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Christmas Aftermath
You Know What's Bullshit? (Christmas music begins playing) That's bullshit. It's nearly the middle of January. Take down your fucking Christmas decorations! (Bah, humbug!)
To me, Christmas happens in December, but it seems to start whenever it wants and end whenever it wants. I've seen Christmas stuff in stores as early as October! At least wait until after Halloween! That's bullshit! (BULLSHIT!!!)
And, what about Thanksgiving? Nobody gives a flying fuck about that. What a glutton of a holiday! It just devours everything around it! And, even after Christmas, you could still walk into a shopping mall and hear Christmas music playing. If you're going to start it early, at least end it early! It's bullshit! (Bullshit!)
Well, Merry Christmas. (What's so merry about it?) Or, I can be PC and say Happy Holidays. But nowadays, people complain even more about that! "Uh, I don't want to have to ask everyone what they celebrate." Well, that's why, if you're not sure, you say, "Happy Holidays". "Oooh, I don't want to say that! I want to say Merry Christmas!" Well, you can't please everybody. So, we need a new PC term. I got it! How 'bout "Happy Shut the Fuck Up"! Let's start saying that.
Well, I think I'm going to go celebrate St. Patrick's Day, like two months early and just start getting wasted now 'cause Christmas is over, and that's bullshit. (BULLSHIT!!!)
Hotel TVs
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT?!? Hotel room TVs. You know why? There's no RCA inputs! I don't know about you, but I like to bring entertainment with me. A DVD player, a video game console, you know? Would it be nice to hook that shit up to your TV? But, you can't because there's no input! Except for that coaxial shit... on the back. So, your only chance is to bring a RCA-to-coaxial adaptor and move that big-ass cabinet away from the wall.
Actually, it would be really nice if the TV had a DVD player! Every television I've ever seen in my life at least has those RCA inputs on the front, unless it's like, twenty or thirty years old. So, let me ask! Where do you find a TV that doesn't have RCA? Go to Best Buy, go to Wal-Mart, go to Circuit City -- any electronics store! I guarantee, you will not find one.
So, is there some secret factory that sells especially made Hotel room TVs just to inconvenience their guests? There must be! And you know why they do it? 'Cause they've got you by the balls. They offer both movies and video games, but you gotta pay for 'em. That's how they get you.
Nobody wants to watch just the regular television. There's like, ten channels and all of them suck. Half of them are 24-hour advertisements for the hotel resort or for local restaurants or some bullshit. It's more entertaining to stare at the picture of the lighthouse on your wall!
Got a laptop? Great! Go on the Internet. Oh, fuck. You gotta pay for that, too, right? It's not like you're going to use it all day. Most of the time, if you're on business or vacation, the only reason you're in a room is because either you're sleeping or there's nothing to do. It's not like I want to pay just to have Internet for two hours! So, fuck it! Break out the deck of cards because that's bullshit!
DVDs
You Know What's BULLSHIT!?! DVDs. I already talked about the excessive packaging and security stickers, but there's so much more wrong with them! With any TV series or movie sequels sold together, they're guaranteed to fuck it up!
The first issue is the packaging. It seems like a game, how many boxes can we fit the DVDs inside? Do we really need all of this? And second, this is the James Bond series. Why couldn't it start with the first movie and work its way to the end? Was there any reason to rearrange them in any order they pleased? A regular consumer might not even be aware of the order. So here's what I do: throw the boxes in the garbage, and fix the DVDs in the right order. Now that's the way it should be. Besides, don't you like the convenience of grabbing a DVD off the shelf? When are you ever gonna wanna cover them up in boxes?
Another thing that can be confusing about box sets is when not all the movies are owned by the same company. This is the Bruce Lee set. Would you believe that there is no Enter the Dragon, but instead Game of Death II? I mean, c'mon, he's not even in that movie, except for stock footage! Even the DVD itself has the balls to claim it stars Bruce Lee. Everybody knows he never completed the first Game of Death; it's false advertising that persists to this very day! If you're buying a box set with intentions of owning all movies of that franchise, you need to have prior knowledge or do the research beforehand to know exactly what you're getting. Box sets are bullshit.
Here's another thing I hate: those little snap things. What's the point? The DVD shuts just fine without those; break 'em the fuck off. That would be like putting them on a CD jewel case or a book, you don't need them.
I also hate how many versions of DVDs get released. We have the rated edition, unrated edition, special edition, ultimate edition, collector’s edition, knock it the hell off!
But what pisses me off the most is when there's a fullscreen and a widescreen edition. Unless you pay attention, you might be suckered into buying the fullscreen. There's no reason the fullscreen should even exist, and if it should, make it the other side, not its own DVD. It's BULLSHIT!
Now, you wanna talk about region coding? So what if I buy a perfectly legal DVD in one part of the world and wanna watch it somewhere else? What if I travel a lot? All these rules treat the customer like a fucking animal! Better keep your eye on those animals, put up an electric fence, give the dog a shock collar, they might be bad.
Have you ever looked at all the tiny logos found on a DVD? Most of it is just useless information, but where's the runtime? That's what I would like to know. It's not on the disc, not on the box, not on the individual DVD case, and not in the booklet. Gee, runtime? Why would I ever want to know that? How about if I have an appointment, or there is a show coming on, or I'm just planning to go to bed soon? I don't know, is it such a taboo thing for me to know how long the movie is before I watch it? Most DVDs seem to have them, but they're in such tiny print, they're so hard to find and they're always in minutes. Just a minor complaint, but look: 153 minutes. Why can't it just say, "2 hours, 33 minutes"? That's like if I say, "I'll see you in a week." I don't say, "I'll see you in 168 hours!" The worst I've seen, sometimes, if there is more than one movie, they just add the total runtime of all the movies! 325 minutes, that's beautiful! Maybe that will come in handy if I'm planning to have a marathon!
But the most inconvenient thing about DVDs is the menus. All I want to do is pop in the DVD, hit play and watch the movie, but instead you get all kinds of shit you don't want to watch. Trailers, logos, that would be fine if you could skip it, but no, you have to watch this bullshit every time you start the DVD! You find yourself pressing the menu button, just hoping in vain that the menu appears, but it doesn't, and sometimes, even worse, if you hit the menu button, it starts the logo all over again! That'll teach ya! Sometimes, they even put ads in the beginning, that's just a step away from having ads on your TV and I'm not talking about regular commercials. I mean, in addition to that, every time you turn on your TV, it plays ten minutes of ads before it starts. Or how 'bout even better, let's put TV screens in elevators. Before the elevator can move, you have to watch some ads. We got 'em there!
And, if the DVD is a TV series, just please have a list of the episodes. Here, you go to "Pick An Episode", wait for the animation, and then, what is this? Every episode has their own screen with chapter selections. Who cares about chapters for a twenty-minute TV show?! So, you have to go through all the screens, find the episode, move back up to the first chapter, and hit play.
With DVDs, I don't care about any of this shit. I don't want to wait for logos and trailers. I don't even want to see clips of the movie I'm about to watch before the menu appears. Just put in the DVD, take me to the menu, that's it! With VHS, you had to rewind, sure, but at least there was nothing prohibiting you from fast-forwarding to the movie. And that's another thing I miss: you get that fuzzy line at the top. But, isn't that better than that stuttering digital fast forward we're all so used to today? You get that awesome telephone dial sound at the beginning of the tape. (Short succession of beeps) Okay, that's just weird, but the best part, no matter where you stop, you could always start the movie exactly where you left off. And, DVDs fuck up way more than VHS. With analog tapes, it deteriorates gradually. Worst scenario, it may get caught up in your VCR. But DVDs, once they start skipping, they're never the same. (Luke, I- am your- fa- t- her.)
It's like we're going forward in technology, but only making our lives bullshittier. And when the Bullshit Man says that's bullshit, that's bullshit!
Movie Titles
You Know What's Bullshit?! A little while ago, I saw a trailer for a movie called The Final Destination. And I was thinking, "Wow! They must be really out of ideas to do a remake of Final Destination already." But, no. Apparently, it's just another film in the same series. Well, how'd they get off calling it by the same title? A movie should not be called the same thing unless it's a remake or otherwise unrelated. Oh, wait. Sorry. Let me correct myself. THE Final Destination. Years from now, who the hell's going to know the difference if you're looking for it on DVD? It's going to be like, "Which one? Final Destination or The Final Destination? Which one's the first? I already forget."
They did the same thing with The Fast and The Furious. The fourth one is just called Fast & Furious. It's almost like they're trying to disguise the fact that it's a sequel, like nobody wants to see sequels. The whole fucking industry is BUILT off of sequels and remakes and TV show adaptations. By making a sequel, they're obviously trying to capitalize on the success of the earlier movies. So, why not tell people this is 4? At least they could have called it "The Fast and the 4rious". It would have been stupid, but it would have been no more gimmicky like 2 Fast 2 Furious. If they're going to make the title so similar, they might as well just call it the same exact thing, because what's the point? By taking out the word "The", it really helps distinguish it from the first movie. If they wanted to distinguish it from the first movie, they would just call it "The Fast and the Furious 4"! And if it's a Stallone movie, it's fucked. Rocky Balboa, Rambo. What next? A sequel to Cliffhanger called "Cliff Hanger"?
What is the problem with movie titles nowadays?! Could they possibly be anymore confusing? Are they out of their fucking minds?! I'm the Bullshit Man and I say, "That's bullshit!"