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Transcripts of You Know What's Bullshit Episodes 5-8

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Post Office Pens

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT? The post office has only one pen! The bank, on the other hand, has so many pens, they give them out for free! So, if the bank can be so generous, why the hell's the post office so fucking cheap and only able to afford one single pen?! It's even attached to the table by a string! God forbid if somebody steals their only pen! Everybody has to wait in line to use it. There's always somebody writing a fucking novel with it, and when it's finally your turn, guess what? It's always out of ink!

Now, this is what you need to do: go to your bank, grab a few of their free pens, and when you go to the post office, leave them on the table and say, "Here! You need these because the Bullshit Man said so!" That's bullshit.

Pay Toilets

You Know What's Bullllllllllllllshit? Public toilets that you have to pay to use.

That's not fair! If I gotta go, it doesn't matter if I have a quarter. I still gotta go! It's not like it's a matter of choice, like it's admission to a fucking show! Then, there's times when there's somebody standing in the bathroom handing you paper towels. Like, what the fuck? Who ever came up with the idea of taking money off you taking a shit is fucking bullshit!

Now, let's face it. Unless you stay home, public toilets are mandatory, because in humanity's growing effort to become civilized, proper facilities need to be present to release feces. But, once we have to start paying for our own bodily functions, I say go back to the wild! They want to make a business of us having to do our business? Man, fuck that! That business is between you and Nature! I say go out on the grass and take a shit like that cow. Oh, wait. That's not cow shit. That's bullshit.

Temperature

You Know What's Bullshit? Temperature.

Yeah. Temperature is bullshit. Why do we have to have it? Think about how often it controls your life. For example, food and beverages. There's stuff that you have to keep cold and stuff that you got to heat up. Isn't it a pain in the ass to use a microwave to reheat last night's dinner? You punch in some number, then you wait, and then it's like, "Damn! It's still fucking cold!" But there could still be a part in the same meal that's so hot, it burns your fucking mouth! Especially potatoes. Potatoes are assholes. They're so unpredictable.

Oh, and of course, there's the weather. Don't even get me started. Right now, it’s cold out. Yeah, it's fucking cold, but in a few months, it's going to be too hot. Yeah! Then it's going to be too cold again, and then too hot, too cold, too hot FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES! You dress for the heat, you dress for the cold. It controls your damn life! Some animals can't even survive in the heat and some can't survive in the cold! Well, how about just have one neutral temperature that satisfies every creature on Earth?! Man, FUCK THE WINTER, FUCK THE SUMMER, FUCK BEING HOT, FUCK BEING COLD, I DON'T LIKE IT! If I could talk to Nature, I'd say, "You know, I like what you done. Space, that's fine. Time, that's fine. Temperature? That's bullshit!"

Printers

You Know What's Bullshit?! Printers.

Printers are man's inhumanity to man. I hate printers! They give you nothing but shit! All I want to do is print out an e-mail, some MapQuest directions, or a Word document. Black text on a sheet of paper! That's all! But, no! The color ink cartridge is low on ink. Who cares about the fucking color?! I'm just trying to print black!

I shut the fucker off and I turn it back on and it keeps printing this garbage. What is this?! I didn't ask for this! "Follow these steps"? You mean you can't just show it on the screen? What a waste of paper! And besides, what a waste of ink, the thing that's in such jeopardy!

The color ink is low? Bullshit! I see blue and I see red, not to mention all I'm trying to do is print black. So you can't print black text, but you can print all this junk. Stop doing it! I don't want this!

So I buy new ink, and guess what? It doesn't work! The numbers have to match! What's the difference between Black 56 and Black 21? WHO THE FUCK CARES?! IT’S THE SAME FUCKING CARTRIDGE, YOU PICKY BASTARD!! Oh, and the paper jams! Cut me a break. That's bullshit!

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