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Transcripts of You Know What's Bullshit Episodes 13-16

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Too Much Cream Cheese

You Know What's Bullshit?! Places that sell bagels with butter or cream cheese, because they put too much fucking cream cheese on it!

Mostly, this problem I've encountered happens at Dunkin' Donuts and Wawa. And those of you from around the world, yes, that's what it's called, Wawa. But is there any need to put this much cream cheese on a bagel? I have to get a plastic spoon or a napkin to wipe it off. You can't bite into it without getting it all over your face. Seriously, who wants all that?! When the cream cheese fills the hole in the middle of the bagel, I think, that's when you should realize it's too much. So, are you going to eat the cheese in the middle of the hole or are you gonna get a spoon to push it out? Like shit being squished out of a seagull's asshole! I mean, who's going to eat that? You might as well just be eating a plain glob of cream cheese! Now, maybe that's what some people like. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came and complained that there wasn't enough cream cheese. So, now, they just cover the fucking things. Now that's fine with me if somebody else likes it, that's okay. But why not have options for different amounts of cream cheese? There should be markings on the wrapping paper that says light, medium, or extra! But I never saw anything like that, and that's BULLSHIT!!

Wait, I'm not done, let me take one moment to talk about something. Though you've never seen my face, you know me as the Bullshit Man. I speak from the heart and I tell you everything that's on my mind, but I'm tired of holding back my true identity. It's kind of embarrassing, but being a man who addresses bullshit, I think it's appropriate you know what I look like, and if you wonder why I keep my face a secret for so long, now you'll know why... Because my face...is BULLSHIT!!

Packaging

You know what's BULLSHIT?! Packaging! You rip open a package and it takes a shit all over your hands. What is this shit? It gets all over the place, and it flies in the air. *cough* *cough* Oh God! It sticks to my fucking clothes too! Who invented this? Who thought it would be a good idea to have a package that you can't open without having a vacuum cleaner ready? Why is this so common? In fact, film festivals hate this. Every application I've ever seen says: "Please do not submit films in fiber-filled envelopes." Because nobody wants this garbage! So then why do we use it? Fiber-filled envelopes need to be abolished. Another thing I hate is packing peanuts. Isn't that fun? You open a box, only to have it explode into a hailstorm of styrofoam. It sticks to everything! I feel like I'm being attacked! I tried to be careful and not let much of it spilled outside the box, but it's impossible when you have to dig in there just to get your stuff. All for that? Packing peanuts belong to the fucking dark side! There's no good reason to use them. They're not enviromentally friendly, and if you have cats or dogs, you got to hurry and clean it up before they eat it and choke! As a human race, we really failed when it comes to mailing things. Let's use newspaper and bubble wrap. That doesn't make a mess, and you can use it over and over again. Fiber-filled envelopes and packing peanuts come from the depths of hell. Take it from a man whose face is made of bullshit. (Bullshit Man opens a box filled with packing peanuts and shows it to the audience) THAT'S BULLSHIT!

DVD and Blu-ray cases

You know whats BUUUULSHIT?! Alright man, I'm gonna tell you why DVD's fail and I'm gonna tell you why DVD's succeed. Alright? We're talking Blu-Ray's too because Blu-Ray's are getting worse. I just wanna talk about some of the stupid packaging that comes with DVD's. I mean first of all, why do they always have to have this thing? You know, we don't need that. And then that's not enough, then you gotta get the rest out. And it's like it always gets stuck. So OK, thats another fucking piece alright, get that out of here and then, what is this? It's like paper things always falling out and everything. So OK, Where are the DVD's? Where are the Blu-ray's? Oh, here they are. Look at this, and then there's still has this stupid thing you gotta open up. Like oh, like come on! So alright, thats that. Then we get Back to the Future on Blu-Ray, check this out! First we got a--alright that dosen't do anything. Oh I See that's another one of these. Throw that away. Like what are we gonna that it gonna scratch up the front cover I don't care. Uh, look at this. Like there's no...like there's nothing holding the DVD it's like, you think it would slip out but it dosen't I tried pulling this way, nothing happens, I tried pulling up on it. Then I feel like, break the DVD if I pulled too hard. These like thingamajigs down here which you gotta, you know. I..I even know how this comes out and oh crap this! There are instructions, there's fucking instructions how to take a DVD out a Blu-Ray whatever the fuck is. So, look at this. Alright so anyway. Now this is a good one, just open it up and there you go. Sometimes these things in the middle always different. Some of it you gotta push hard than others. I like these kinds, they like those two little pieces you push down, DVD pops out. You know. Umm, This one here. This one's pretty easy, No trouble here. Obviously you don't wanna to fall out too easy cause if you don't want the DVD to like, you know, gets scratched during shipping or anything. Umm, But this is good you know you know it just snap shut, That was i say, Goregous, This is Goregous, That's the way you want it. This one, this one still pretty easy, but they're all different. and then, this one here, Woah! It's not opening. Ohhh... Look at this! You gotta open up these little stupid fucking latches! What the point? Like, like right now the DVD doesn't snap shut, like i need these things to like hold it? No, i don't! I don't need these! Like, like, look! like right now, is this gonna be like, Oh, oh shit! The DVD won't stay shut! Whoops! Whoops! Whoops! No, You just do that, it's snap shut, You don't need these things! Fuckin' assholes!

Parking Lot Spikes

You Know What's Bullshit?! Those spike things in parking lots! Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It's when a public parking space doesn't want vehicles passing in one direction, for whatever reason. So the most sensible solution they could come up with is to put these spike things on the road! If you drive over them in the wrong direction, it fucks up your tires! Nice invention! You think you went a little overboard there?! It's like setting a mouse trap that treats a common driver like a fucking house pest. I can imagine sitting there in my car with deflated tires. Like, "Sorry, I went the wrong way. Does the punishment fit the crime? Couldn't there just be a sign or a one-way barrier of some kind? " Is it really a better idea to have cars stuck there with their tires ruined? Having to wait for a tow truck to come and haul them away? What if the tires deflate slow enough so that the vehicle can get out onto the highway and get into a fucking accident? Better to risk people's lives and property than to have somebody going the wrong way in your parking lot. There actually exist plenty of websites that sell this shit. This one here flat out says, "They are designed to puncture the tires of offending vehicles." That sounds like a prank. If that's accepted and legal, then why stop there?! How about a giant bucket that pours glue onto the car, and then fans that blows feathers all over it?! How about springs that flip the car onto its top?! How about Ewoks cutting down swinging logs that smash your windows, fatally wounding both the passenger and driver, and then the gremlins come and puncture the gas tank? Manic deranged werebears take their flamethrowers to it, and the whole fucking car explodes! (BOOM!) That'll do it! That'll keep people out of your precious parking lot! Fucking assholes! That's not just bullshit! THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!!

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