You Know What's Bullshit? Security stickers on DVDs.
What's the point? Is this going to prevent somebody from stealing DVDs from Amazon.com's warehouse? And, is it really necessary to put them on all three sides? I hate taking these things off! We didn't have this problem with VHS. Like, really now. Why do I have to do this? Whose brilliant idea was this? Is there something I'm missing? Like, is this supposed to be fun? Do most people enjoy this? I don't. And do you know what's the worst part about it? This DVD's part of a box set. And every single DVD had those three stickers. Isn't it enough that they're all inside the box? No! It isn't enough. There's another fucking thing that goes over. What a waste! That's bullshit!
You Know What's Bullshit? Pennies.
Pennies are worthless. What can you buy with a penny? Nothing. So, why do we even have pennies? Get rid of them. Nobody likes to carry pennies around. Why's there so many pennies lying on the street that don't even get picked up? Because nobody fucking wants 'em! They're like mosquitoes - go away, you fucking pennies! Think about it. There's four quarters to a dollar, two nickels to a dime, and there's FIVE fucking pennies to a nickel. It's pointless.
Even if you save a bunch of pennies, you're not going to feel like counting them! I mean, think about it. Think about how much time store clerks waste counting pennies back to people. And, how often when the change is just a penny, how often do you people say, "Keep the change."? A lot. 'Cause people don't want a penny. Every price should end in a five or a zero. Pennies are bullshit!
You Know What's Bullshit? Shoelaces.
What's wrong with them? They're assholes! They always come untied at the most inconvenient moment, like when you're on an escalator or walking through a crowded city street. You could double knot them, triple knot them, quadruple knot them, fucktuple knot them, WHATEVER! THEY ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO UNTIE THEMSELVES! Just to be dicks.
Remember Velcro shoes? Those were awesome! Because you didn't have to put up with that shit! Wow, I remember the last time I wore a pair of those, I was in fourth grade. Children on the school bus would make fun of me because they said I didn't know how to tie my shoes. Well, I knew damn well how to tie my shoes! It's just that I didn't fucking feel like having to tie them!
Remember Bow Biters? We should bring those back, too. Or, better yet, remember the movie Back to the Future 2, the self-lacing Nike shoes? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! If the year 2015 comes, and we still don't have those power laces, all I'm going to say is that's bullshit!
You Know What's Bullshit? All these movies about penguins!
Why's there so many?! Because people love them! Aww, look at the penguin! It's so cute! Don't you just love those little fuckers? Aren't they fucking funny?
Look, I have nothing against penguins, but it's not like they're the single-most amazing creatures in the world. Those would be pygmy marmosets. They're awesome and the ultimate proof that God has an outrageous sense of humor in a comedy that's called Nature. Now, why can't we see some movies about those? BECAUSE EVERYBODY WANTS THE FUCKING PENGUINS INSTEAD! And, that's bullshit.