Episode 1: DVD Packaging
You Know What's Bullshit? Security stickers on DVDs.
What's the point? Is this going to prevent somebody from stealing DVDs from Amazon.com's warehouse? And is it really necessary to put them on all three sides? I hate taking these things off. We didn't have this problem with VHS. Like, really now, why do I have to do this? Whose "brilliant" idea was this? Is there something I'm missing? Like, is this supposed to be fun? Do most people enjoy this? I don't. And do you know what's the worst part about it? This DVD's part of a box set. And every single DVD had those three stickers. Isn't it enough that they're all inside the box? No, it isn't enough. There's another fucking thing that goes over. What a waste. That's bullshit.
Episode 2: Pennies
You Know What's Bullshit? Pennies.
Pennies are worthless. What can you buy with a penny? Nothing. So, why do we even have pennies? Get rid of them. Nobody likes to carry pennies around. Why's there so many pennies lying on the street that don't even get picked up? Because nobody fucking wants 'em! They're like mosquitoes. Go away, you fucking pennies. Think about it. There's four quarters to a dollar, two nickels to a dime, and there's five fucking pennies to a nickel. It's pointless.
Even if you save a bunch of pennies, you're not going to feel like counting them. I mean, think about it. Think about how much time store clerks waste counting pennies back to people. And, how often when the change is just a penny, how often do you hear people say, "Keep the change."? A lot. 'Cause people don't want a penny. Every price should end in a 5 or a 0. Pennies are bullshit.
Episode 3: Shoelaces
You Know What's Bullshit? Shoelaces.
What's wrong with them? They're assholes! They always come untied at the most inconvenient moment, like when you're on an escalator or walking through a crowded city street, you could double knot them, triple knot them, quadruple knot them, fucktuple knot them, whatever; They always find a way to untie themselves: Just to be dicks.
Remember Velcro shoes? Those were awesome. Because you didn't have to put up with that shit. Wow, I remember the last time I wore a pair of those, I was in fourth grade. Kids on the school bus would make fun of me because they said I didn't know how to tie my shoes. Well, I knew damn well how to tie my shoes. It's just that I didn't fucking feel like having to tie them!
Remember Bow Biters? We should bring those back, too. Or, better yet, remember the movie Back to the Future 2, the self-lacing Nike shoes? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. If the year 2015 comes, and we still don't have those power laces, all I'm gonna say is: "That's bullshit." (Bullshit!)
Episode 4: Penguin Movies
You Know What's Bullshit? All these movies about penguins.
Why's there so many? Because people love 'em! Aww, look at the penguin, it's so cute! Don't you just love those little fuckers? Aren't they fucking funny?
Look, I have nothing against penguins, but it's not like they're the single-most amazing creatures in the world. Those would be pygmy marmosets. They're awesome and the ultimate proof that God has an outrageous sense of humor in a comedy that's called Nature. Now, why can't we see some movies about those? Because everybody wants the fuckin' penguins instead, and that's bullshit.
Episode 5: Post Office Pens
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?! The post office has only one pen. The bank, on the other hand, has so many pens, they give them out for free. So, if the bank can be so generous, why the Hell's the post office so fucking cheap and only able to afford one single pen? It's even attached to the table by a string. God forbid if somebody steals their only pen. Everybody has to wait in line to use it. There's always somebody writing a fucking novel with it, and when it's finally your turn, guess what? It's always out of ink.
Now, this is what you need to do: go to your bank, grab a few of their free pens, and when you go to the post office, leave them on the table and say, "Here, you need these, because the Bullshit Man said so." That's bullshit. (BULLSHIT!!)
Episode 6: Pay Toilets
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLSHIT?! Public toilets that you have to pay to use.
That's not fair. If I gotta go, it doesn't matter if I have a quarter, I still gotta go! It's not like it's a matter of choice, like it's admission to a fucking show! Then there's times when there's somebody standing in the bathroom handing you paper towels. Like, "What the fuck?!" Who ever came up with the idea of taking money off you taking a shit is fucking bullshit!
Now, let's face it. Unless you stay home, public toilets are mandatory, because in humanity's growing effort to become civilized, proper facilities need to be present to release feces. But, once we have to start paying for our own bodily functions, I say go back to the wild! They want to make a business of us having to do our business? MAN, FUCK THAT! That business is between you and Nature! I say, go out on the grass, and take a shit like that cow. But wait. That's not cow shit. That's bullshit!
Episode 7: Temperature
You Know What's Bullshit?! Temperature.
Yeah. Temperature is bullshit. Why do we have to have it? Think about how often it controls your life. For example, food and beverages. There's stuff that you have to keep cold and stuff that you got to heat up. Isn't it a pain in the ass to use a microwave to reheat last night's dinner? You punch in some number, then you wait, and then it's like, "Damn! It's still fucking cold!" But there could still be a part in the same meal that's so hot, it burns your fucking mouth. Especially potatoes. Potatoes are assholes. They're so unpredictable.
Oh, and of course, there's the weather. Don't even get me started. Right now, it’s cold out. Yeah, it's fucking cold, but in a few months, it's going to be too hot. Yeah. Then it's going to be too cold again, and then too hot, too cold, too hot for the rest of our lives. You dress for the heat, you dress for the cold, IT CONTROLS YOUR DAMN LIFE. Some animals can't even survive in the heat and some can't survive in the cold. Well, how about just have one neutral temperature that satisfies every creature on Earth? Man, fuck the winter, fuck the summer, fuck being hot, fuck being cold, I don't like it! If I could talk to Nature, I'd say, "You know, I like what you done. Space, that's fine. Time, that's fine. Temperature, that's bullshit!" ("YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?!")
Episode 8: Printers
You Know What's Bullshit?! Printers.
Printers are man's inhumanity to man. I hate printers. They give you nothing but shit. (balls up page and throws it at the printer) All I want to do is print out an e-mail, some MapQuest directions, or a Word document. Black text on a sheet of paper: That's all. But no. The color ink cartridge is low on ink. Who cares about the fucking color? I'm just trying to print black!
(pushes the power button twice) I shut the fucker off and I turn it back on and it keeps printing this garbage. What is this?! I didn't ask for this! "Follow these steps"? You mean you can't just show it on the screen? (balls up page) What a waste of paper. And besides, what a waste of ink, the thing that's in such jeopardy.
The color ink is low? Bullshit! I see blue, and I see red, not to mention all I'm trying to do is print black. So you can't print black text, but you can print all this junk. Stop doing it, I don't want this! (rips paper)
So I buy new ink, and guess what? It doesn't work. (The Bullshit Man tries installing the cartridge, but it doesn't work) The numbers have to match. What's the difference between Black 56 and Black 21?! Who the fuck cares?! (throws cartridges) It's the same fucking cartridge, you picky bastard! Oh, and the paper jams. Cut me a break. (rips out page) That's bullshit. (printer printing)
Episode 9: Christmas Aftermath
You Know What's BULLSHIT?! (Christmas music begins playing) That's bullshit. It's nearly the middle of January. Take down your fucking Christmas decorations. ("Bah, humbug.")
To me, Christmas happens in December, but it seems to start whenever it wants and end whenever it wants. I've seen Christmas stuff in stores as early as October. At least wait until after Halloween. That's bullshit! ("BULLSHIT!")
And, what about Thanksgiving? Nobody gives a flying fuck about that. What a glutton of a holiday. It just devours everything around it. And, even after Christmas, you can still walk into a shopping mall and hear Christmas music playing. If you're going to start it early, at least end it early, it's bullshit! ("Bullshit!")
Well, Merry Christmas. ("What's so merry about it?") Or, I can be PC and say Happy Holidays. But nowadays, people complain even more about that. "Uh, I don't want to have to ask everyone what they celebrate." Well, that's why, if you're not sure, you say, "Happy Holidays". "Uhhh, I don't want to say that! I want to say Merry Christmas!" Well, you can't please everybody. So, we need a new PC term. I got it. How 'bout "Happy Shut the Fuck Up!"? Let's start saying that.
Well, I think I'm going to go celebrate St. Patrick's Day like two months early and just start getting wasted now, 'cause Christmas is over, and that's bullshit. ("BULLSHIT!")
Episode 10: Hotel TVs
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT?! Hotel room TVs.
You know why? There's no RCA inputs. I don't know about you, but I like to bring entertainment with me. A DVD player, a video game console, y'know, would it be nice to hook that shit up to your TV? But, you can't, because there's no input, except for that coaxial shit... on the back. So, your only chance is to bring a RCA-to-coaxial adaptor, and move that big-ass cabinet away from the wall.
Actually, it would be really nice if the TV had a DVD player. Every television I've ever seen in my life, at least has the RCA input on the front. Unless it's like, 20 or 30 years old. So, let me ask: Where do you find a TV that doesn't have RCA? Go to Best Buy, go to Wal-Mart, go to Circuit City, any electronics store, I guarantee, you will NOT find one.
So, is there some secret factory that sells especially made Hotel room TVs just to inconvenience their guests? There must be. And you know why they do it? Because they got you by the balls. They offer both movies and video games, but you gotta pay for 'em. That's how they get you.
Nobody wants to just watch the regular television. There's, like, ten channels and they all suck. Half of them are 24-hour advertisements for the hotel resort or for a local restaurant, or some bullshit. It's more entertaining to stare at the picture of the lighthouse on your wall.
Got a laptop? Great. Go on the Internet. Ohh, fuck. You gotta pay for that, too, right? It's not like you're going to use it all day. Most of the time, if you're on business or vacation, the only reason you're in your room is because either you're sleeping, or there's nothing to do. It's not like I want to pay just to have Internet for two hours. So, fuck it, break out the deck of cards, 'cause that's bullshit.
Episode 11: DVDs
The Bullshit Man: You Know What's BULLSHIT!?! DVDs.
The Bullshit Man: I already talked about the excessive packaging and security stickers, but there's so much more wrong with them! With any TV series or movie sequels sold together, they're guaranteed to fuck it up.
The Bullshit Man: The first issue is the packaging. It seems like a game. "How Many Boxes Can We Fit The DVDs Inside?" Do we really need all of this? And second, this is the James Bond series. Why couldn't it start with the first movie, and work its way to the end? Was there any reason to rearrange them in any order they please? A regular consumer might not even be aware of the order.
The Bullshit Man: So, here's what I do: throw the boxes in the garbage, and fix the DVDs in the right order. Now, that's the way it should be. Besides, don't you like the convenience of grabbing a DVD off the shelf? When are you ever gonna wanna cover them up in boxes?
The Bullshit Man: Another thing that can be confusing about box sets is when not all the movies are owned by the same company. This is the Bruce Lee set. Would you believe there is no Enter the Dragon, but instead Game of Death II? I mean, c'mon, he's not even in that movie, except for stock footage. Even the DVD itself has the balls to claim it stars Bruce Lee.
The Bullshit Man: Everybody knows he never completed the first Game of Death: It's false advertising that persists to this very day. If you're buying a box set with intentions of owning all movies of that franchise, you need to have prior knowledge, or do the research beforehand to know exactly what you're getting. Box sets are bullshit.
The Bullshit Man: Here's another thing I hate: those little snap things. What's the point? The DVD shuts just fine without those. Break 'em the fuck off. That would be like putting them on a CD jewel case, or a book. You don't need them.
The Bullshit Man: I also hate how many versions of DVDs get released. We have the rated edition, unrated edition, special edition, ultimate edition, collector’s edition, knock it the Hell off!
The Bullshit Man: But what pisses me off the most is when there's a full screen and a wide-screen edition. Unless you pay attention, you might be suckered into buying the full screen. There's no reason the full screen should even exist, and if it should, make it the other side, not its own DVD, it's bullshit!
The Bullshit Man: Now, you wanna talk about region coding? So, what if I buy a perfectly legal DVD in one part of the world and wanna watch it somewhere else? What if I travel a lot? All these rules treat the customer like a fucking animal. "Better keep your eye on those animals, put up an electric fence, give the dog a shock collar, they might be bad."
The Bullshit Man: Have you ever looked at all the tiny logos found on a DVD? Most of it's pretty useless information, but where's the run-time? That's what I would like to know. It's not on the disc, not on the box, not on the individual DVD case, and not in the booklet.
The Bullshit Man: Gee, run-time? Why would I ever want to know that? How about if I have an appointment, or there is a show coming on, or I'm just planning to go to bed soon? I don't know, is it such a taboo thing for me to know how long the movie is before I watch it?
The Bullshit Man: Most DVDs seem to have them, but they're in such tiny print, they're so hard to find, and they're always in minutes. Just a minor complaint, but look: 153 minutes. Why can't it just say, "2 hours, 33 minutes"? That's like if I say, "I'll see you in a week." I don't say, "I'll see you in 168 hours."
The Bullshit Man: The worst I've seen, sometimes, if there's more than one movie, they just add the total run-time of all the movies. 325 minutes, that's beautiful. Maybe that'll come in handy if I'm planning to have a marathon.
The Bullshit Man: But the most inconvenient thing about DVDs is the menus. All I wanna do is pop in the DVD, hit play, and watch the movie, but instead you get all kinds of shit you don't want to watch. Trailers, logos, that would be fine if you could skip it, but, no, you have to watch this bullshit every time you start the DVD. You find yourself pressing the menu button, just hoping in vain that the menu appears, but it doesn't, and sometimes, even worse, if you hit the menu button, it starts the logo all over again! That'll teach ya.
The Bullshit Man: Sometimes, they even put ads in the beginning, that's just a step away from having ads on your TV, and I'm not talking about regular commercials. I mean, in addition to that, every time you turn on your TV, it plays 10 minutes of ads before it starts.
The Bullshit Man: Or, how 'bout, even better? Let's put TV screens in elevators. Before the elevator can move, you have to watch some ads. We got 'em there.
The Bullshit Man: And, if the DVD is a TV series, just please have a list of the episodes. Here, you go to "Pick An Episode", wait for the animation...
(animation of Optimus Prime showing 6 chapters for every episode)
The Bullshit Man: ...and then, what is this? Every episode has their own screen with chapter selections. Who cares about chapters for a 20-minute TV show? So, you have to go through all the screens, find the episode, move back up to the first chapter, and hit play.
The Bullshit Man: With DVDs, I don't care about any of this shit. I don't want to wait for logos and trailers. I don't even want to see clips of the movie I'm about to watch before the menu appears. Just put in the DVD, take me to the menu, that's it.
The Bullshit Man: With VHS, you had to rewind, sure, but at least there was nothing prohibiting you from fast-forwarding to the movie. And that's another thing I miss. You get that fuzzy line at the top, but isn't it better than that stuttering digital fast forward we're so used to today? You get that awesome telephone dial sound at the beginning of the tape.
(Short succession of beeps)
The Bullshit Man: Okay, that's just weird, but the best part, no matter where you stop, you can always start the movie exactly where you left off.
The Bullshit Man: And DVDs fuck up way more than VHS. With analog tape, it deteriorates gradually. Worst scenario, it may get caught up in your VCR, but DVDs, once they start skipping, they're never the same.
Darth Vader: No, I- am your- fa- t- her.
(DVD freezes up with a gray sign that says DISC ERROR.)
The Bullshit Man: It's like we're going forward in technology, but only making our lives bullshittier. And when the Bullshit Man says "that's bullshit," that's bullshit.
(Grey Screen appears)
Episode 12: Movie Titles
You Know What's Bullshit?! A little while ago, I saw a trailer for a movie called The Final Destination. And I was thinking, "Wow! They must be really out of ideas to do a remake of Final Destination already." But, no. Apparently, it's just another film in the same series. Well, how'd they get off calling it by the same title? A movie should not be called the same thing unless it's a remake or otherwise unrelated. Oh, wait. Sorry. Let me correct myself. THE Final Destination. Years from now, who the Hell's going to know the difference if you're looking for it on DVD? It's going to be like, "Which one? Final Destination or The Final Destination? Which one's the first? I already forget."
They did the same thing with The Fast and The Furious. The 4th one is just called Fast & Furious. It's almost like they're trying to disguise the fact that it's a sequel, like nobody wants to see sequels. The whole fucking industry is built off of sequels and remakes and TV show adaptations. By making a sequel, they're obviously trying to capitalize on the success of the earlier movies. So, why not tell people this is 4? At least they could have called it The Fast and the 4rious. It would've been stupid, but it would've been no more gimmicky like 2 Fast 2 Furious. If they're going to make the title so similar, they might as well just call it the same exact thing, because what's the point? By taking out the word "The," it really helps distinguish it from the first movie. If they wanted to distinguish it from the first movie, they would just call it The Fast and the Furious 4! And if it's a Stallone movie, it's fucked. Rocky Balboa, Rambo. What next? A sequel to Cliffhanger called Cliff Hanger?
What is the problem with movie titles nowadays? Could they possibly be anymore confusing? Are they out of their fucking minds? I'm the Bullshit Man and I say, "That's bullshit!"
Episode 13: Too Much Cream Cheese
The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUUULLSHIT?! Places that sell bagels with butter or cream cheese, because they put too much fuckin' cream cheese on it.
The Bullshit Man: Mostly, this problem I've encountered happens at Dunkin' Donuts and Wawa. And those of you from around the world, yes, that's what it's called, Wawa.
The Bullshit Man: But is there any need to put this much cream cheese on a bagel? I have to get a plastic spoon or a napkin to wipe it off. You can't bite into it without getting it all over your face.
The Bullshit Man: Seriously, who wants all that? When the cream cheese fills the hole in the middle of the bagel, I think, that's when you should realize it's too much. So, are you gonna eat the cheese in the middle of the hole, or are you gonna get a spoon and push it out, like shit being squished out of a seagull's asshole?
The Bullshit Man: I mean, who's going to eat that? You might as well just be eating a plain glob of cream cheese. Now, maybe that's what some people like. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came and complained that there wasn't enough cream cheese. So, now, they just cover the fucking things.
The Bullshit Man: Now that's fine with me if somebody else likes it, that's okay. But why not have options for different amounts of cream cheese? There should be markings on the wrapping paper that says "light," "medium," or "extra". But I never saw anything like that, and that's bullshit.
("You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music plays)
The Bullshit Man: Wait, I'm not done. (record needle scratches) Let me take one moment to talk about something. Though you've never seen my face, you know me as the Bullshit Man.
The Bullshit Man: I speak from the heart and I tell you everything that's on my mind, but I'm tired of holding back my true identity.
The Bullshit Man: It's kind of embarrassing, but being a man who addresses bullshit, I think it's appropriate you know what I look like, and if you wonder why I'd keep my face a secret for so long, now you'll know why.
(Bullshit Man reveals what his face is made of.)
The Bullshit Man: Because my face... is bullshit.
("You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music continues)
Episode 14: Fiber Envelopes & Packing Peanuts
The Bullshit Man: You Know What's BULLSHIT?! Packaging.
The Bullshit Man: You rip open a package, and it takes a shit all over your hands. What is this shit? It gets all over the place, and it flies in the air! (coughs) Oh, God! It sticks to my fucking clothes, too. Who invented this? Who thought it would be a good idea to have a package that you can't open without having a vacuum cleaner ready? Why is this so common?
The Bullshit Man: In fact, film festivals hate this. Every application I've ever seen says "Please do not submit films in fiber-filled envelopes." Because nobody wants this garbage! So then, why do we use it? Fiber-filled envelopes need to be abolished.
The Bullshit Man: Another thing I hate is packing peanuts. Isn't that fun? You open a box, only to have it explode into a hailstorm of styrofoam. It sticks to everything. I feel like I'm being attacked.
The Bullshit Man: I try to be careful and not let much of it spill outside the box, but it's impossible when you have to dig in there just to get your stuff. All for that? Packing peanuts belong to the fucking dark side. There's no good reason to use them. They're not environmentally friendly, and if you have cats or dogs, you got to hurry and clean it up before they eat it and choke.
The Bullshit Man: As a human race, we really failed when it comes to mailing things. Let's use newspaper and bubble wrap. That doesn't make a mess, and you can use it over and over again. Fiber-filled envelopes and packing peanuts come from the depths of Hell. Take it from a man whose face is made of bullshit.
(Bullshit Man opens a box filled with packing peanuts and shows it to the audience)
The Bullshit Man: That's bullshit!
Episode 15: DVD & Blu-ray Cases
You Know What's BUUUULLSHIT?! Alright man, I'm gonna tell you why DVDs fail and I'm gonna tell you why DVDs succeed. Alright, we're talking Blu-rays too because Blu-rays are getting worse. I just wanna talk about some of the stupid packaging that comes with DVDs. I mean first of all, why do they always have to have this thing? You know, we don't need that. And then that's not enough, then you gotta get the rest out. And it like always gets stuck. So OK, thats another fucking piece! Alright, get that out of here (throws packaging) and then, then what is this? You got like paper things always falling out and everything. So OK, where are the DVDs? Where are the Blu-rays? Oh, here they are. Look at this, and then there's still has this stupid thing you gotta open up. Like oh, like come on! So alright, that's that. Then we get Back to the Future on Blu-ray, check this out! First we got a--alright, that doesn't do anything. Oh, I see, that's another one of these. Throw that away! Like what, are we gonna be worried that it's gonna scratch up the front cover? I don't care. Um... look at this. Like there's no... like... there's nothing holding the DVD it's like.... you think it would just slip out, but it doesn't - I tried pulling this way.... nothing happens, I tried pulling up on it, then I feel like I'm gonna like, break the DVD if I pull too hard. There's these little like thingamajigs down here which you gotta, you know. I... I don't even know how this comes out and oh crap, look! Look at this! There are instructions. There's fucking instructions... how to take a DVD out!
(Mike corrects him: "Blu-ray.")
A Blu-ray, whatever the fuck it is. So.... look at this. Alright, so anyway, that's that. Now this is a good one, just open it up and there you go. Sometimes these things in the middle are always different. Some of them you gotta push hard than others. I like these kinds, they just have like those two little pieces you push down, DVD pops out, you know. Umm, this one here... this one's pretty easy, No trouble here. Obviously you don't want it to fall out too easy cause if you don't want the DVD to like, you know, get scratched during shipping or anything. Umm, But this is good you know you know, it just snaps shut, That was I say, gorgeous, This is gorgeous, That's the way you want it. This one... this one still pretty easy, but they're all different. and then, this one here, wha-! It's not opening. Ohhh... Look at this! You gotta open up these little... stupid... fucking latches! Like, what's the point? Like, like right now the DVD doesn't snap shut, like I need these things to like hold it? No, I don't! I don't need these! Like, like, look! Like, right now, is this gonna be like, "Oh, oh, shit! The DVD won't stay shut! Whoops! Whoops! Whoops!"? No! You just do that, it's snap shut. You don't need these things. (throws case) Fuckin' assholes.
Episode 16: Traffic Spikes
You Know What's Bullshit?! Those spike things in parking lots.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It's when a public parking space doesn't want vehicles passing in one direction, for whatever reason, so the most sensible solution they could come up with is to put these spike things on the road. If you drive over them in the wrong direction, it fucks up your tires. Nice invention. Think you went a little overboard there? It's like setting a mouse trap, it treats the common driver like a fucking house pest. I can imagine sitting there in my car with deflated tires. Like, "Sorry, I went the wrong way." Does the punishment fit the crime? Couldn't there just be a sign or a one-way barrier of some kind? Is it really a better idea to have cars stuck there with their tires ruined? Having to wait for a tow truck to come and haul them away? What if the tires deflate slow enough so that the vehicle can get out onto the highway and then get into a fucking accident? Better to risk people's lives and property than to have somebody going the wrong way in your parking lot. There actually exist plenty of websites that sell this shit. This one here flat out says, "They are designed to puncture the tires of offending vehicles." That sounds like a prank. If that's accepted and legal, then why stop there? How about a giant bucket that pours glue onto the car, and then fans that blows feathers all over it? How about springs that flip the car onto its top? How about Ewoks cutting down swinging logs that smash your windows, fatally wounding both the passenger and driver, and then the gremlins come and puncture the gas tank? Manic deranged werebears take their flamethrowers to it, and the whole fucking car explodes?! (BOOM!) That'll do it. That'll keep people out of your precious parking lot. Fucking assholes. That's not just bullshit. That's fucking bullshit!
Episode 17: iTunes
You Know What's Bullshit?! iTunes.
I listen to music just about every day. I'm always using iTunes. I've been helplessly dependent on this software for the past 10 years now. It's truly my digital jukebox, and I can't imagine my life without it anymore.
But, I do have to say, it's pretty annoying every time you buy a new computer, you have to authorize it to play all the music that you purchased on the old computer from the iTunes Store. It wouldn't be so bad, except there is a limit to how many computers you can authorize. That would never happen with CDs. Have you ever had a CD player tell you "Sorry, but you own too many CD players. You're gonna have to deauthorize one of them, or else you can't play the CD."? So, next thing, I'm going up in the fucking attic to find my old computer, so I can plug it in and deauthorize it.
But now, let's get into the main point about iTunes. It's an evolving beast, always pestering you with updates. Way too often, I open iTunes to find a message that says "There's a new version of iTunes. Do you want to download the update?" I say "Sure, that's sounds good. I'd like to update." Then I find something is different. Something I don't like. For example, remember when there's used to be a button to burn CDs? It was a nice little round flashy button, convenient and easy to get to. For years now, that button's been gone. Now, you have to go to the File menu and Burn Playlist to Disc. There isn't even a short key for it, you have to go to the menu. I understand that not many people are burning CDs nowadays, but what made Apple decide that it was so obsolete, they have to get rid of the button?
It's changes like this that piss me off. If it's not broken, don't fix it. So I caught on to you, you stupid updates. I'm not downloading you anymore! I'm sticking with the old version. But then, the message comes back. Oh, yeah. It comes back to haunt you. You have no choice. One of these days, you're gonna download it by accident. Even if you click that little checkbox to stop reminding you, all that means is that say, it's asking you to download version 10.2.7, it'll stop asking you again...for that particular version, but a week later after version 10.2.8 is out, it's gonna start asking you again!
Eventually, when you're suckered into updating, there is gonna be all this new shit. Genius playlists? Nice, now I gotta have to wait for iTunes to scan all my music, so that I can create playlists based on songs that other users have that are similar to mine, whatever. You know what would be genius? To go back to the way it was! Now there's Ping? What the hell's that? Every time they add something, it seems like it takes longer to boot up. Back in the day, I'd click iTunes, it would open. Now, it bounces a few times, shows me a beach ball, and when it finally starts, it tells it's searching for Genius results, accessing the iTunes Store, updating playlist information, contacting Mars, raising shields, activating atomic soundwave booster, scanning for nuclear barracudas. How about just let me play my music, and let that be it? You can flip through the album artwork now, all these unnecessary things, just to look more impressive to the common dummy who sits there and goes "Wow, that looks cool, I want to buy that!".
iTunes is turning into a monster. We all keep feeding it, and it's been growing ever since. One day, all the albums are gonna be holograms, flying all over the place, you're gonna be able to listen to 10 songs at the same time. How did we get so far away from just dropping the needle on a record and letting it play? Cassettes, CDs. Remember when CDs first came out? It was like "Damn, you don't have to rewind them!" You can skip songs? You could put it on repeat or shuffle? And then one day somebody looked at their CD and their computer, and decided the two must come together. Like a caveman putting a stick to a fire, the computerized music format was born, and the digital devil has been pulling us deeper in ever since.
And tell that devil to fuck off, stop updating iTunes, and say that's bullshit!
Episode 18: Feeding Birds
You Know What's Bullshit?! Feeding birds.
I have a bird feeder in my backyard, I don't know why it's there. Every now and then I put bird seed in it, and then the next day, It's all gone. Why'd I bother? I could've gone weeks without filling the damn thing and the birds always manage to come back. So they're obviously not starving to death. Why do I feed them? They don't feed me! I could tell you that for damn sure! Yeah I'll let you know the day a cardinal flies in and brings me a fucking sandwich. Birds do nothing for me. They come, eat the food, and leave shit all over my patio. These bastards are spoiled too. I could just throw the bird seed out into the yard, but they get it all in this nice little feeder that hangs up in a tree where they like it.
How about the hummingbird? The hummingbird is like the rich snob who only dines at the finest restaurants. This asshole won't settle for the plain ordinary bird seed. Oh no! Instead, a specially made concoction of sugar and water. And if that's not enough, it has to be inside a very specific container. Want me to come pull out a chair for you fucking birds? Put the napkin in your lap for you? Bring out some of my best wine so you can taste them and spit 'em in my fucking face? Only reason I feed the birds is because the cats like watching them. Yeah. They're entertaining, aren't they? Well, some bird species on this planet have very amusing names. Supposedly, there's a bird called a Red-Footed Booby. Yeah, I don't believe it either. There's also Dickcissel, Turdus, and all these tit names like Brown Tit Babbler, Penduline Tits, Agile Tit Tyrant, and Great Tit. (chuckles) Oh, that can't be real, that's bullshit.
Episode 19: Wire Hangers
The Bullshit Man: You know What's Bullshit? Wire hangers.
The Bullshit Man: I don't need the best hangers to hang my clothing. I don't care about those fancy fluffy ones, or those big ass ones for hanging suits. All I need is something sturdy and reliable.
The Bullshit Man: But when I run out of all my good hangers, I end up having to resort to hanging some of my shirts on these cheap wire hangers. I don't even know why I have so many of these. They're useless. The shirts keep falling off because the wires keep bending. Even when I try to bend them up, they still fall off.
The Bullshit Man: Get on there, you son-of-a-bitch! Unh, FUCK!
(Wire hanger falls off)
The Bullshit Man: UGH! You can't support the weight of that heavy shirt? Oh, and don't ever try hanging pants on it. You'd have better luck with those stupid clip things that only work when you're in the store. The only reason to use wire hangers is for your Captain Hook costume.
The Bullshit Man: Wire hangers are such pieces of shit, even Michael Myers hates 'em.
(clip from Halloween is shown where Michael Myers is swatting away wire hangers)
The Bullshit Man: I kinda like that hanger from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
(clip from movie is shown where Toht restores his hanger.)
The Bullshit Man: Although the scene that sums up wire hangers perfectly is the scene from Mommie Dearest.
Joan Crawford: (angrily) What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you, NO WIRE HANGERS EVER?!
The Bullshit Man: Wire hangers suck! They might work at first, but then a week later, you find your clothes on the floor. That's when it's time to use the drawers, because that's bullshit.
Episode 20: Microwaves
The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) Microwaves. Why do they beep all the time? Every time I push a button, beep beep! What's the point? Just to let me know I'm hitting the buttons? I can see on the digital screen what I'm pressing, I don't need a loud, obnoxious beep to let me know.
The Bullshit Man: I know this may seem like a minor complaint, but it's really starting to get on my nerves. My whole life, every microwave I've ever owned goes "Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep!" Microwaves are the noisiest kitchen appliance I own besides a blender, and a blender has every reason to be loud!
The Bullshit Man: I'm not trying to wake anybody up. You know what I'm talking about. You might be living with roommates, it might be your parents, whoever's in the house is gonna hear "Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep!" I just want a little something to eat, I don't want the whole house to know what I'm doing!
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) And then, when the timer's done, what does it do? (microwave beeps) Beep beep. Just to let you know the food's done. As if I didn't remember, two minutes ago, I put food in the microwave. Maybe that'll be helpful when I'm 98 years old and I can't even remember if I took a shit that day! They should start selling these beeping microwaves as an option. They could call em, "Microwaves for old fucks!"
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) Why does it have to beep? Obviously, I'm just standing there waiting. It's 3 in the morning. I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes, I wait till the timer gets to 1 second, and I hit cancel just so I don't have to hear that shit, but you eventually have to reset the timer anyway, which makes it beep some more. Even if you look at it funny, it beeps. I give it the finger, it beeps, as if it's always cursing at me. The asshole.
The Bullshit Man: And don't go anywhere, don't set the timer for two minutes, and think you can go do something else, because if you're not back in two minutes, it'll beep. Ten seconds later, it'll beep again. (beeps) And again... (beeps) and again just to remind you. (rapid beeping) And does it matter, anyway? Does my food become warm at exactly two minutes? I don't know, it's mashed potatoes. I guess, maybe, 2 minutes, 30 seconds? It's just a guessing game. Who knows the exact time, unless you're a fucking "microwaveologist"?
The Bullshit Man: If you are, maybe you can explain. What the fuck is a microwave, anyway, and should I get a regular size wave? You tell me; It's a fucking box that makes stuff hot. How does that happen? Why does it make the food warm, but if I leave a metal fork in there, there's sparks and flames? What kind of sorcery is this thing? Takes 3 minutes to heat up a bowl of soup, but sets the foiler wrap on my meatball sub in flames in a matter of seconds? Somebody invented it, it's called a microwave oven, and it's bullshit!
Episode 21: Assholes
The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT!? Assholes! No, literally. My asshole. My dick, too. Why? Because they piss the shit out of me! Especially in the morning. Watch this.
(In the bathroom)
The Bullshit Man: Alright, which one of you bastards wants to go first? Well, you're not giving me much of a choice there. (Lifts up toilet seat.) Must've been some good dreams. Wish I could remember 'em. (The Bullshit Man starts urinating in the toilet, with some of it getting on the floor. The Bullshit Man gets closer to the toilet every time it gets on the floor.)
(Later, he sits on the toilet.)
The Bullshit Man: Come on! Shit, you asshole!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: Hey, who's the asshole, pal?
The Bullshit Man: You're the asshole, you asshole.
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: It takes one to know one, fuck face.
The Bullshit Man: Just hurry up and shit, you dumbass, jerkhead motherfucker!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I know you are, but what am I?
The Bullshit Man: An asshole, that's what you are!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I am a hole in your ass.
The Bullshit Man: Come on, I gotta take a shower.
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I ain't stoppin' ya, cock mongrel.
(Bullshit Man shakes his head)
(In the shower, the Bullshit Man groans and farts.)
The Bullshit Man: Oh no, not now! (Turns off shower to go to take a shit.) Are you shitting me?
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: Yeah, I'm shitting you, dickbrain.
The Bullshit Man: Why now? You wait 'til I take a shower to take a shit?
The Bullshit's Man's Asshole: You can take the shit, pal. I'm the one leaving it.
The Bullshit Man: Stop being an asshole!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: Can't change what I am, goat-fucker.
The Bullshit Man: What are you then?
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: A hole in your ass.
The Bullshit Man: Which is?
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: An asshole.
The Bullshit Man: Well, we agree on that.
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: I'm much better-looking than you, Shitface.
The Bullshit Man: Stop it, I hate when you call me "Shitface"!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: But, what's that on your face?
The Bullshit Man: Shit, okay? I have a face full of shit!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: (Chuckles) Shitface.
The Bullshit Man: Fuck you! I used to look normal before all this bullshit happened to me!
The Bullshit Man's Asshole: How sad. I'm the one who has to regurgitate bullshit from your stupid ass.
The Bullshit Man: Oh, no. That's not bullshit. (Meaning what his asshole is doing) That's bullshit! (Meaning his face)
Episode 22: Car GPS
The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLSHIT?! The GPS in my car. But the thing is, I need it. I'm not good at navigating. Back in the day, when you'd have to print out directions on the Internet, it was a pain in the ass. So then the GPS comes along and makes life easier. Well, almost.
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) Sometimes, it takes too long to get a signal. If the GPS doesn't know where I am, how the Hell do I? Come on, are there space Gremlins hanging on the satellites?
The Bullshit Man: So then, I'm driving around, and it sends me on the most back-ass roads possible.
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) How did I get here? I didn't set it to avoid major highways or anything. It'll take you through someone's driveway, wherever it takes it to get it from Point A to Point B.
The Bullshit Man: If you're on a bridge, it expects you to turn off a road that's underneath the bridge.
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) Really? You want me to crash through the guardrail and kill myself?
The Bullshit Man: So I keep going, and it keeps saying "Recalculating."
The Bullshit Man's GPS: Recalculating.
The Bullshit Man: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Recalculating. Shut up.
The Bullshit Man's GPS: Recalculating.
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) It takes like 9 hours, and when it finally works, it tells me to turn on the road where it's 10 feet in front of me.
The Bullshit Man's GPS: Recalculating.
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) Of course, it's too late. That's like split-second reaction time. So I pass the road, and what does it do? Recalculates again to another road without any advance notice.
The Bullshit Man's GPS: Recalculating.
The Bullshit Man: We could do this all day.
The Bullshit Man's GPS: Recalculating.
The Bullshit Man: Fuck you.
The Bullshit Man's GPS: Go kill yourself.
The Bullshit Man: (voiceover) And I hate it when it falls off the window. The worst is those weight things that sit on the dashboard. I just don't like the idea. What if I get into the accident? I don't want this thing flying at me and smashing my fucking skull.
(The GPS flies off the windshield and hits the Bullshit Man, with a Wilhelm scream and blood all over the screen)
The Bullshit Man: Oh, well, I can't go back to not using a GPS, I'm dependent on the damn things. But, they're like creepy artificial life forms that are in control of your destiny, and could kill you if you were dumb enough to do what exactly they said. That thing, on the windshield, is bullshit.
("You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music plays)
The Bullshit Man's GPS: (off-screen) Recalculating.
Episode 23: Warranties
You Know What's Bullshit? Warranties.
You go to the store, you buy something, say a shitty pair of speakers for your computer, the cashier asks if you want to buy a warranty with it. That should cover against malfunction or defects or whatnot. You say, "No." What's the point anyway? If you take it out of the box and there's something wrong with it, you could usually return it anyway.
A warranty typically covers anything that may happen to it years from now. But, if you drop it or damage it somehow accidentally, it won't cover that. No, only if it miraculously self-destructs on its own. And by the time it dies naturally, the warranty will be expired. One time, I bought a video projector. The sales guy told me that the bulbs are really expensive and they cost hundreds of dollars to replace. So he sold me a warranty. He said that in case the bulb would burn out in within 3 years, this warranty would entitle me to a replacement.
Sounded like a good plan. Well, just less than three years ago, the bulb burns out. So, I take it back to the store with the warranty. None of the same people are working there anymore. They have no idea what I'm talking about.
I show them the warranty. The salespeople look at it. The cashiers look at it. The manager comes out and looks at it. Nobody has a fucking clue. I tell them it's supposed to cover the bulb. If the bulb burns out, I get a new one. The manager thinks it over, scratches his head, and comes to the conclusion that the warranty only covers manufacture defects, anything but the bulb, and that the warranty may have been different 3 years ago when I bought it.
3 years ago, I bought a piece of paper. They sold me a piece of paper that would have gone to better use if I wiped my ass with it! My receipt did no good, either. It was now just a reminder to the money I wasted. And that's bullshit!
Episode 24: Amplifiers That Don't Go To 11
The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUULLSHIT?! Amplifiers that don't go to 11.
The Bullshit Man: Come on! Why do most amplifiers still go to 10? What do I do when I need that extra boost? It's been almost 30 years since Marty DiBergi's ground-breaking documentary about the most influential rock band of all time: Spın̈al Tap. They invented the 11-amp, and you'd think by now, everybody would be using it.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it?
The Bullshit Man: That band is so prolific. They were the first band to do an all-black album cover. Where do you think Metallica got the idea from? Well, AC/DC came first, but that had words on it, it wasn't really all black. Spın̈al Tap was the band that made Stonehenge famous. Nobody would ever known about Stonehenge had it not been for the song.
Spın̈al Tap: ♪ Stonehenge, where the demons dwell. ♪
The Bullshit Man: Well, maybe some people knew about Stonehenge. Anyway, the amplifier that goes to 11 is ingenious. It's the best idea ever. With all other amplifiers, you go up to 10, and that's it. You've hit the roof. There's nowhere to go after that. Nowhere to go. After, "Yeah, I-I don't know where to go now. Everything I just said, that's bullshit."
Episode 25: Grass
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLLLLLLLLLLSHIT?! Grass.
Not just any grass, grass planted high-level nutrient soil pasture, or native range land with sufficient sunlight, carbon dioxide and water to produce photosynthetic tissue for the productive carbohydrates.
Fertilizer is applied early in the spring growth season. The C3 species of grass develop when temperatures are between 40 and 75 degrees. And generate leaves that grow into tube-like rolls at their base, and unfurl as they extend. The growth habits are nutritious forage to the live stock. A non-castrated male of the cattle species comes by and eats the grass.
The vegetated pillars are passed through the esophagus and ingested into the cattle's stomach which consists of four compartments.
The rumen breaks down the food with the adv bacteria. The partly digested food is passed on to the reticulum where foreign materials are filtered out, passes through the omasum and then the abomasum where it becomes fully digested with HCI acid, then it goes into the small and large intestines where it becomes shit.
The fecal matter causes the rectal walls to expand, triggering the contractions of the rectal muscles, and the relaxation of the anal sphincter. The crap is forced out of the rectumant of the anal canal, where the muscles create wave-like movements that push the contents of the canal forward.
Finally, the anus contracts itself over the exiting feces, emptying the grass-turned turds out of the male cattle's asshole onto the ground.
(points to the feces) You know what that is. (looks at the feces) THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Episode 26: Vampires
(Organ rendition of "You Know What's Bullshit?!" theme music plays)
You Know What's Bullshit?! Vampires.
Don't get me wrong. Vampires were an awesome concept. An unholy creature of the night that's dead but remains alive by feeding on the blood of the living? With an unstoppable, immortal villain like that, they need to have a weakness, an Achilles' heel if you will. But with all of the stories over the generations, there's been too many ways to kill a vampire, or keep them from killing you.
Of course, there's the classic wooden stake; you drive it through their heart and they die. Then there's silver; I guess the werewolf curse rubbed off; silver's not as common with the vampire myth, but supposedly, it still does the job. Whether a silver bullet or anything made of silver. So if you can stab them with something silver, and something made of wood, then it could probably be made of anything. I don't know, has anyone ever tested anything else? You can also kill a vampire by severing their head. Now, I don't know anybody that would survive if their head was cut off. I guess anything that would normally kill a person would also kill a vampire. In fact, in the Dracula novel, the famous count is killed by knives. Fire, that's another one. If a vampire's trapped in a fire and burns to ashes, that's game over. Sunlight, that's classic. A vampire is as vulnerable as undeveloped film; expose them to sunlight, they're useless.
Then there's all the religious things: for example, a vampire's scared away if you show them a crucifix. Or anything that's shaped like a cross, so it can even happen by accident. Holy water: just because water's been blessed by a priest they can't touch it, it burns them. By the way, who cares about Holy water when you can also kill them with regular, plain-ass water? That's right, running water to be exact: so if they fall in a river or try to take a shower or something, they're done for. A Bible: they can't touch that either. The Hawthorne tree can also hurt a vampire because of its connection with the crown of thorns on Jesus Christ.
So, that's the religious stuff. Of course, a vampire is an unholy being so he's fended off by Holy things; that makes sense at least, but where did the whole garlic thing come from? If you put garlic around your house, consider yourself safe. Vampires won't go near it! I don't like asparagus, but you put asparagus in the room, I'm not gonna run away. Wolfbane: another thing that should be reserved for the werewolf: that's what "wolfbane" means, it's a werewolf repellent. But no, it keeps vampires away too. Mirrors: they don't cast a reflection, that's fine if you want to recognize them, but sometimes they hate mirrors so much, it's another way to keep them out. Rice or seeds: this one is just fucking stupid. Supposedly, if you spread rice or seeds around, they'll have to stop and count them all. So every vampire's like the Count from Sesame Street? How dysfunctional can any terror of the night be to have to count things? Also, they have to sleep in their own native soil; that comes from the myth of them having to return to their own grave at night. So they can't travel far, unless they have their coffin with them, filled with dirt. That's great.
Wanna load up your house with garlic, crucifixes, and wolfbane to keep out vampires? Not necessary, just don't invite them in. That's right, a vampire can't enter your home UNLESS YOU INVITE THEM! Is this supposed to be a bloodsucking horror, or a cocksucking pussy? If vampires were real, I wouldn't even be scared, I'd feel sorry for them. They can't go out in the day, they have to drink blood, they're killed by water and sunlight, two things that are as common as common can be, and they have to sleep in a coffin filled with dirt. Might as well be filled with BULLSHIT!
(Organ rendition of "You Know What's Bullshit?!" Theme plays)
Episode 27: Hotel Rooms
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
If you stay in a lot of hotels, you come across some weird things, contraptions that defy human intelligence, like this bathroom door. What the hell is this all about? Instead of a regular knob, we have this circular latch. How does this work? Method #1: Shut the doors and turn the latch. Nope. Method #2: Turn the latch first, then shut the doors. UGH! Come on! UGH! FUCK! The bathroom is the worst possible place to have this problem. This door needs to shut, nobody wants to see you in there doing your business. (The Bullshit Man continues to struggle shutting the doors and even accidentally shuts his thumb in the latch) Ow! How did they fuck up something as simple as a door? (The Bullshit Man finally manages to shut the door) Finally.
Here's an example of a hotel room with a real bathroom door. Isn't that nice? Now, where's the light switch? Where is it? (The Bullshit Man finds the light switch on the outside of the bathroom) You gotta be kidding me. It's outside the bathroom. Who came up with that idea? Put the light switch in the bathroom! Sure, some of the space is taken up by the tub, sink and toilet, but you have plenty of wall space, don't design a bathroom without a light switch. What if you're in the shower and your roommate accidentally flicks the wrong switch? They wouldn't even realize it would go pitch black in there and you'd be shouting over the sound of running water with soap and shampoo in your eyes.
While we're on the topic of hotels, why are the stairs so elusive? Everybody's so used to elevators that the stairs are completely forgotten. If you ask the hotel staff "Where's the stairs?", they usually look at you funny, like you just asked "Where's the fucking shitbath?". And when you do find the stairs, it looks like nobody's used them in years. I always feel like I managed to unlock some secret dungeon. Why are the stairs so taboo? Nobody knows where they are. What would everybody do if there was a fire? Hotels are the most bizarre, unpredictable examples of modern architecture, not to mention, they're bullshit.
Episode 28: Word Pronunciations
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Word Pronunciations. The internet has joined the world together and now everybody with all their different dialects and preferences gets to criticize each other for how they speak. A word that I can not avoid using is "Review" (says it as reeview). I've always said "'Review" till everybody tells me it's "Re'view." Why would it be 'Review?' What about "'Recap"? Would you say "Re'cap"? Re'do, re'call, re'hire, re'group, re'appear, re'enact...why is it so strange to say 'review?' The prefix "re-" means to do again, you're viewing something again for comment, you re-view it.
"Bury," that's the next one. What am I doing wrong this time? It's "Bury." But everyone else says "Berry." It's spelled with a U. Why wouldn't it be "Bury?" There is such a thing as Berry, but that's a different word and it's clearly spelled with an E, not to mention an extra R which doesn't seem to affect anything. (Shows a picture for Bury) This is Bury, (Shows a picture for Berry) that's Berry. If we have two different words that mean two different things and spell two different ways, why the fuck don't we pronounce them two different ways?
Why would anyone care anyway if I say "review" or "bury?" Are you confused? As long as you understand what I'm saying, what's the point of bringing so much attention to it? It's not important, However, if I took a word like "Walk" and pronounced it like "Disanfoplinopius(?)," then you might need to raise some questions.
It doesn't matter, because there's no consistency with pronunciations anyway. Oh sorry, I should've said "pronunciation." Well, then why do you "pronounce" a word? Why don't you "pronunce" it?
I hate plural words. There's no rules. If the plural of Pan is Pans, then why the Hell is there no such thing as Mans? The plural of Man is Men. How about Ox and Oxen? Where'd they get that from? Why isn't it Oxes? Like Boxes? What's the plural of Cock then? Coxen? How about Moose? What would you say if there's more than one moose? Mooses, right? No, it's just Moose. Yeah, it's the same fucking word. How about Goose? Would you say "there's a flock of goose?" No, you say Geese. That's just great. Well then, fuck you, next time I see a bunch of moose I'm gonna say "Hey, look at all those motherfucking MEESE!" Don't tell me it's not a real word. It is. It is a word. I just said it. Should be on a goddamn shirt.
What's up with Mouse and Mice? That makes no sense. Instead of House and Houses, let's start saying House and Hice. Booth, Booths, Tooth, Tooths... sorry, Teeth. Fuck plurals. Fuck silent letters too. How about the middle day of the week? It's spelled like "wed-nes-day," but you pronounce it "wens-day." What's with the silent letters? Silent B (Plumber), silent C (Muscle), silent D (Handkerchief), silent G (Design), silent H (Scheme), silent I (Business), silent K (Knife), silent N (Damn), silent P (Pneumonia), silent T (Buffet), silent U (Guess), silent W (Wrong), how about a silent __ (FU)?
How about we'll pronounce our words however we want? Everybody's different. Talk the way you talk. Anybody who objects, shut the Hell up, suck our coxen. I've spent my whole life trying to learn the English language, and I'll never get it perfect, because it's BULLSHIT!
Episode 29: Public Bathrooms
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Public bathrooms. Everybody's gotta use 'em, so you have no choice to deal with the bullshit. They're all different: Sometimes they're fine, other times, they're not. Did you ever try to sit down and take a shit and all of a sudden the toilet flushes itself on its own and sprays your ass with water? It's like an industrial strength flush because some fuckheads clog the toilet so they have to make them extra powerful. You never know what's gonna happen: You go to dry your hands and the automatic paper towel dispenser only spits out like 2 inches of paper towels at a time. As soon as you touch it, it becomes a sopping wet paper ball and your hands are still dripping wet, just because some assholes waste all the paper, we're suffering the punishment of having these awful contraptions. Then there's the paperless version: The dreaded air blower. It's supposed to be eco-friendly, I get the idea, but the air either comes out so soft it takes hours to get your hands dry, or it's so fucking brutal it nearly blasts your flesh off!
I also hate bathrooms that only have one urinal with a toilet next to it. Like somebody would really wanna be seen taking a shit next to somebody taking a piss. Put a fucking stall around it! The thing I hate most of all is the faucets. (The Bullshit Man struggles to get the automatic faucet to activate) Come on! Come... I feel like an idiot. (The faucet finally activates) There it goes. (The Bullshit Man struggles at another faucet) Come on! Come on! (It finally activates) There we go. (It turns back off suddenly) Oh, and that's it? (The Bullshit Man is at a push-activated faucet) Ah man, I hate these ones that you have to push. It only stays on while you're pushing it. I can't wash both hands at the same time? This sucks. What's the point of this? This is because some idiots couldn't turn the sinks off? Public bathrooms are like an obstacle course of technical failures. A place where shit happens and this kind is bullshit. Not to mention, even while taking a piss, you can't get away from sports.
Episode 30: Water
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Water, specifically the water that you drink. You need it to stay hydrated. When you're in public, you always end up having to buy bottled water but there's so many different choices. It's just water, what's the deal? Have you ever read the back of the label? It should just say ingredients: water, but it isn't always just water, is it? Dasani water, which is made by the Coca-Cola Company, contains additives. (The Bullshit Man reads the Dasani label) "Magnesium sulfate"? "Potassium chloride"? "Salt"? "Adds a negligible amount of sodium"? (The Bullshit Man turns to the camera) Negligible or not, I don't want sodium added to my water. The whole point is to hydrate yourself, not get more thirsty and I'm not a chemist, but I don't know what all that other stuff is for. Oh, there you go, "Minerals added for taste." Ah, gotta love the taste of that magnesium sulfate and potassium chloride! And what's with the Dasani Drops flavor enhancer? On the ad on the website, it looks like period blood. At least you have plenty of different options whenever you're in a store. Here you can make sure what you're buying is just plain water without any bullshit added to it but in most public places, I've been taking notice, the only option is Dasani water. Seriously, go to a movie theater, anywhere, find water that isn't Dasani, it's not often. Dasani is everywhere, especially conventions and concerts. Crowded, sweaty places where dehydration can be a serious problem. Why can't we have access to real water? I mean, come on, no other water besides Dasani? Coca-Cola bought out all these places and runs a monopoly on this basic human necessity. If they could find a way to buy the air we breathe and add chemicals to it, I bet they would, and that's bullshit!
Episode 31: Sleep
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?! Sleep. I hate it. I can get so much more done if I didn't have to shut my eyes and go unconscious every now and then. Everybody has a different sleeping schedule. There's the early birds who represent the majority of our society, function naturally during the day, and there's the night owls who function naturally during the night. We need both these kind of people to make the world work. But the part that triggers my Bullshit Alert is that the early birds often feel the need to look down upon night owls. "Oh, you wake up at noon..." As if they're superior just because they like to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn. What is this stigma against night owls? Even Ben Franklin said, "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." What an ass. It's as if when the early birds see somebody asleep, they interpret it as laziness without realizing night owls are working while they're asleep. Once the phone stops ringing and things become quiet, night owls can focus on being productive and get a lot done, especially artists who have to be creative. They can't always summon spontaneous imagination. Sometimes, it only comes natural in the late night hours. If you're not a morning person, chances are you found out during school when you're forced to wake up early no matter who you are. School starts so fucking early, all those years of my alarm clock waking me out of a deep REM sleep, I never got used to it. When you grow up, only then, do you get to choose your own destiny. In college, everybody stays up late. I didn't know anybody in college who liked getting up early. Is it a generational thing? Maybe, and that's possibly the reason older generations like to make fun of night owls Because, the elderly are never thought of as being energetic or lively, so when they see young people sleeping, that's their chance to get back at them. I tried to get to the core meaning of why early birds make fun of night owls, and I think it has something to do with the awareness that somebody else is sleeping. The shut eyes and lack of consciousness has some connection with the appearance of death. And that makes people feel awkward, so they balance it out by making fun of the situation. That's why people sometimes play pranks on their sleeping friends. Drawing on their faces, the 'ole shaving cream in the hands, stuff like that. So I guess it boils down to the fear of death, the eternal sleep. But, for now, we'll die in short intervals. We can't escape sleep, it's the inevitable bullshit.
Episode 32: Dangerous Funeral Processions
The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
The Bullshit Man: Sometimes, I talk about things that aren't that important, but this time, it's about life and death.
The Bullshit Man: So I'm in my truck, I'm driving up to a red light, the light changes green, I keep going. But the next car comes through the intersection and nearly hits me! At first, I think it's just some asshole running a red light, but then I notice all the cars are going through the light and then I realize it's a funeral procession.
The Bullshit Man: My frustration subsides and I feel a wave of sympathy. Funerals are not bullshit, they're a healthy way of getting together with family and mourning the death of a loved one.
The Bullshit Man: The part that's bullshit is that they don't make it clear enough that it's a funeral procession. It's not like anybody's directing traffic or it's not like an ambulance or a police car that has loud sirens and flashing lights. These are just ordinary cars. Sometimes they have flags on top or just stickers on the windshield which you'll never see until you're up close. Other times, they just have their blinkers on and that's it. When you see a car with their blinkers on from the side, it just looks like they have their turn signal on.
The Bullshit Man: You won't realize what's happening until the last second before impact! And the worst part is, everybody looks at you like you're the asshole, like you were trying to cut in on purpose. I respect that it's a funeral, but it'd be nice to keep there from being another funeral!
The Bullshit Man: Is it so necessary to stay together that it's worth disrupting the normal flow of traffic and endangering everybody on the road? Can't they just say "Meet at the church?" "Meet at the cemetery?" Maybe in the old days, people had a harder time finding their way, but now there's cell phones, there's internet and there's GPS, which I admit, GPS can be bullshit, too.
The Bullshit Man: Let's respect the dead, but let's also respect the safety of people who are still alive. Dangerous funeral processions are bullshit!
Episode 33: Oversized Packaging
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Look, just look. (The Bullshit Man holds an oversized Lexar JumpDrive package towards the camera) I don't need to say anything. Why does something this small need to have packaging this large? It's such a waste of cardboard and it leads to more waste because oversized packaging requires oversized boxes to mail it in. I ordered this from Amazon and when the box came, I didn't even know what it was. I thought I got drunk and ordered a big coffee table book or something, then I opened it and saw this. You wanna get technical? The JumpDrive is two and a half inches long. The packaging is thirteen inches by nine inches and if you were to use all that extra space, I estimate you could fit forty-five JumpDrives.
(The Bullshit Man holds another Lexar JumpDrive package but this one is the right size.) Now this right here is how it should be. This is proof that it can be done. This is the same company, Lexar and I ordered both of them from Amazon. If they're from the same manufacturer and sold by the same place, why do they come in two completely different kinds of packaging? They're the same product too. The only difference is the capacity: One holds 128 gigabytes, the other holds 256. You might say the large packaging is for extra security or some shit, like if somebody robs an Amazon warehouse, then wouldn't you think the more expensive JumpDrive would be the one in the large packaging? There's no way to make sense of it. Holding the big one is a surreal experience. It makes me feel like my hands are small, like I'm shrinking in size. Maybe this wasn't meant to be sold, maybe it's a prop for the next Honey, I Shrunk movie.
Also, this is a pretty serious piece of cardboard. You could break a window with this thing. To get the JumpDrive out with your bare hands, it would take a lot of force. (The Bullshit Man groans trying to tear the large packaging open with his bare hands) Why do they make you have to use scissors? Holy shit. It even withstands scissors. You will not defeat me, you piece of shit! (The Bullshit Man uses a saw to cut the packaging and continues to tear at it, groaning.) Your mother, your mother, your mother! (The Bullshit Man continues to saw and tear, using a box cutter, scissors and a screwdriver, finally managing to pop it out.) Finally. (Noticing the JumpDrive is secured in a plastic casing.) Oh, fuck! (Finally tears it out after more struggle.) Geez. It's been awhile since I've talked about all this kind of nonsense. It's really hard because there's lack of time but there's no lack of bullshit.
Episode 34: Clothing Tags
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Those T-shaped things in clothing. I don't know if there's a name for them and I don't give a shit but all I know is they suck. You know what I mean, right? They're basically plastic strings that run through the fabric to attach the price tag so after you buy them, you have to take them off. Could they come up with a better solution? How about just a sticker or something that clips on? I hate removing these things. I avoid buying new clothes just so I don't have to deal with this. (The Bullshit Man groans pulling a price tag off as it rips and the plastic part stays in the shirt.) Fuck! Once the tag is off, all hope is lost. I don't feel like having to find scissors every time I buy new clothes. I know there's probably an easier way to remove them but why should we ever have to discuss how to remove tags from clothing? I don't care, it shouldn't even have to occupy the smallest portion of our brains.
Removing them isn't even the part that's bullshit. The real bullshit is that you'll find these things laying all over the house. I don't understand why because after I take them off, I throw them in the trash but somehow, they keep appearing everywhere. It's truly a phenomenon. If you have cats or infants, the stakes are raised because you don't want anybody swallowing them so it becomes almost a matter of life or death to find these fuckers. They blend into the carpet, they turn invisible the moment you cut them off. When you use scissors, it makes two pieces, so you have to keep track of both of them. I always hold the end with the tag but I don't have three hands so the other end is going to fall somewhere but I always find it and throw it in the trash immediately. Then how do they keep showing up? Where are they coming from? Are there little sneaky elves that come in and hide them around the house? It's a mystery but the only thing that's perfectly clear is that they're bullshit.
Episode 35: Wobbly Tables
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Wobbly tables. You know what I mean, you're at a restaurant or wherever. You lean on a table and, whoa, it jiggles! Try cutting some steak and everything trembles like there's a fucking earthquake! Yeah, you sit across from somebody, you each place your elbows on the table, and it teeters back and forth like a seesaw! Is this supposed to be fun? Who likes this? I don't. I don't wanna spill wine or coffee, stain my clothes, or burn myself!
What causes this wobbly table phenomenon? Why is it so common? One example's the cross-shaped base. This is when the table is supported by one leg, but with four foot extensions. For some reason, they aren't properly balanced or the floor is uneven or whatever. So one foot is always raised, and the constant shifting of human weight causes the table to rock in four possible directions. It's similar to a D-Pad on an NES controller, but this is no game. Maybe if you hooked up to an NES, you can have the Mario table D-Pad challenge. There you go. Use that idea for your retro restaurant. You're welcome.
Tables with four legs have the same problem. Again, likely due to an uneven floor, but sometimes, one leg is ever so slightly shorter or missing a small piece on the bottom. How does this happen? Are there a group of magic gnomes sneaking about with saws and chisels? Let's ruin everybody's tables! [giggles]
The problem persists with almost every type of table I've seen. The cross-legged based, trestle based, pestle-based, tennis ball foot, cloth foot, Big Bird foot, Cat in the Hat bazooka palm tree foot, you know. How hard is it to make a table that isn't defeated by the natural predicament of an uneven earth? It's not a new invention! Tables have been around for a long time! The Ancient Chinese ones were awesome! I bet those didn't wobble. How about the Ancient Egyptian ones? I mean, look at that! [stammers] Okay, that doesn't look to stable, but it's old!
We need to find a better solution for tables. Drive a fucking metal stake through it. I don't care. Just get it to stop wobbling! I'm the Bullshit Man, and I missed you. But I wouldn't miss this bullshit!
Episode 36: Snow
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT?!
Snow. Yeah, everybody knows it. What more could be said, but the topic is bullshit and this is one of the bullshittiest of all.
The only month I find snow welcome is in December, only if it comes down in moderation. You want that unreasonable balance where it's just enough to give you that holiday spirit but not enough to affect your family travels. It's like asking for a slight hint of apocalypse and the chance of it actually snowing on Christmas or whenever exactly it is you want it to happen is less than 10%; unless you live inside of a movie, then it's 100. You want to see just enough snow to bring back all those childhood memories of school being cancelled, having snowball fights, sledding, making snowmen. But now it's all about shoveling driveways, rescheduling appointments, and in the worst scenarios trying not to get killed.
When January comes you're thinking, okay snow, we get it. You made your point. Fuck you too. Then February it's so bad it's not even worth complaining about. You're thinking, this is the worst of it. Just hang in there. It'll be over soon. And then March comes and it's like oh, come on. Enough already.
St. Patrick's Day is supposed to be a green holiday but it's always blanketed in white snow. When I was a kid I remember playing outside looking for four-leaf clovers but recently I don't think I've ever seen a living clover on St. Patrick's Day. You'd have a better chance seeing a leprechaun so maybe by Easter it might be over, and then half the summer is spent trying to catch up on all the things you're trying to do that got postponed.
And the summer heat is the only thing that rivals the snow but as much as I hate wiping sweat from my forehead every 10 seconds to keep it from dripping in my eyes and swatting flies that keep landing in my ears, still, no matter how bad the summer gets you can at least get in your car and drive to a grocery store but in snow like this, you can't leave the house. Shut down your life, make no plans, just hibernate till it's all over and next year get ready to deal with it again, again, and again. You might ask, if you hate snow so much, why do you choose to live in an area that gets snow? That I answer, I don't know. I don't know. All I know is it's bullshit.