(The Nerd pretends to insert the game sideways.)
The Nerd: So, anyway, we start off with the title screen of a deformed bear with sunglasses riding a skateboard. A stereotypical anti-drug corporate waste of imagination. You can choose between one and two players - if you're lucky enough to have a friend who would actually play this piece of shit with you.
The Nerd: Okay, here's the plot: You're the ultra hip, skateboard schmuck Wally Bear. Your Uncle Gary Grizzly wants you to gather up your straight-edged friends and head over to his house for a party. Wally must reach his house before dark, or at least before the timer runs out, or he loses all of his lives.
The Nerd: Every bird and attack dog on the block wants you dead, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that besides jump for your life. You can get items such as pizzas, frisbees, or hubcaps to throw at enemies. And you can't really hit birds because they just dart across the screen. Now, why would a bird want to kill a skateboarding bear, anyway?
The Nerd: The levels are just incredibly repetitive. Like, literally, the same backgrounds are used over and over again, kinda like in a Flintstones cartoon. If you notice during a driving scene, it's just the same stuff in the background, being repeated over and over again. The only difference is that The Flintstones was entertaining, this... this is just a piece of fuck.
The Nerd: There's also this asshole named Ricky the Rat who's trying to knock you off your skateboard and turn you into a heroin junkie. You also have to prevent a poodle from getting her radio stolen, stop a lizard from drunk driving, and deal with other things that either want you to die or want you to snort crack up your bear snout.
The Nerd: The music in this game just fucking sucks. I mean, no bad game is complete without some auditory shit that makes you want to puke. You'd rather listen to your only infant child choking to death. So, just turn down the volume, and while you're at it, just turn off the fucking game!
The Nerd: Back in the '80s, it seemed as though there were all these characters trying to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was McGruff, or Pee Wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny, and Miss Piggy. And this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure that the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless you're fucked up on drugs. So, in that case, let's say NO to drugs, (drinking his Rolling Rock) and let's say NO to this fucking game.
[Updated content; unclear on whether the episode was updated for an AVGN DVD release, or updated online on Cinemassacre. See the original non-HQ YouTube release for the shorter episode.]
The Nerd: It has just come to my attention that there was a Wally Bear hotline. 1-800-HI-WALLY. Now, you wouldn't think that after like 20 years that number would still be functional. But, somewhere in some old dusty basement... Wally Bear still lives.
(The Nerd listens to the indistinct phone chatter for a couple of minutes, the words difficult to hear. The scene fades from the Nerd listening to the phone, to scenes of a creepy, dark basement, with a transparent Wally Bear appearing.)
The Nerd: Fuck that. It's creeping me out! It's like listening to a ghost!
(Wally Bear floats out of the phone, and the Nerd is shocked.)
- The game was originally going to be called Wally Bear & the Just Say No! Gang, but it obviously had to be shortened to just the NO! Gang due to "Just Say No" being trademarked for the infamous Nancy Reagan anti-drug campaign during the 80s.
- The Wally Bear hotline, which the Nerd calls at the end of the episode, is now (as of June 2007) deactivated. This episode was filmed in September 2006, so at that time the hotline was still active.
- The Nerd didn't know that as well as a phone hotline, Wally Bear and his friends had an anti-drug club which could be joined by sending a postcard to the NCADI (National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information), and the characters were also used on the health.org website on their children's section.