(opens with him playing The Karate Kid)
This game is ASS!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck. (in lower pitch) Fuck! (in slow-mo, with the word coming out of his mouth) FUCK! (sticks the middle finger at the TV, drops controller, stutters) FUCK! (grabs TV and yells) DIE! (in super-slow motion): FUCKERS! (Cuts to him in his kitchen) Would you try to help me now, man? (shoves his head into a cabinet)
(shows the game cart to the views) Well, let me be honest with you about this one. Ooh, boy, I HATE this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: "I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it". So what is it about this game that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screaming at the TV, throwing the controllers? I mean, anybody who had beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction, but, rather, regrets, because, it is a complete waste of fucking time. I mean, it's like coming out a brutal fight, being the winner, but, achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
The biggest problem is that the control is so awkward. You have to press up to jump which doesn't really help because you can only go straight up in the air. He has, you gotta be like, absolutely still, and if you touch an enemy, you fly in the opposite direction. You can't get close enough to really attack anybody. You die in every pit and it's so easy to fall in them. So, every time you get hit near a pit you're basically dead.
Level one is ridiculously easy, you just fight one-on-one and then you kick the shit outta everybody, and there you go, you win, doing again, and again.
Now, level two is where it gets to the side-scrolling gameplay. It's almost a ripoff of Kung Fu but, much worse.
Every once in a while there's these stupid bonus stages which are next to impossible, and, I think it's pretty safe to say that it would be easier to do this in real life.
Now when you get to level three, there's a typhoon, so, the wind keeps pushing you back, and if that's not enough, there's these twigs and birds flying through the air. Every possible projectile hurts you and makes you fly back, and there's pits everywhere.
I hate this game, but, why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked theirselves. They all have the same reason; Because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but, the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
Then, you get to level four and holy shit, is it hard. You can't get near anybody to attack them, and they all have these long spears that make you fly back. You can sometimes hit people when you're walking uphill, but, when you're going down, you can't really attack low enough to hit them. They're all basically just bullying up on you and they just knock you all around and there's nothing you can do.
And, guess what? That's the last level, and if you were expecting some big ending to be worth all your trouble, well, you're wrong. The only thing that happens at the end is that Mr. Miyagi winks. What a piece of shit.
Man, I guess they decided that since the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like, nearly impossible, but, if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because, it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away, don't even touch it.
(spits on cartridge; puts it in the toilet. Cut to black; sound of flushing can be heard.)