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Transcript of AVGN episode Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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The Nerd: (In "scary" and "menacing" monotone voice) In 1983, a shitty game based on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games.

The Nerd: It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. It's pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity.

The Nerd: For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky-ass game.

The Nerd: Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the Internet, the Angry Video Game Nerd.

(2006 Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays, with a desert like setting, dead and lifeless. Cut to hillbilly playing his banjo and sitting in front of a table with old games up for sale. The Nerd walks in.)

The Nerd: What do you got here?

Hillbilly: A bunch of shit.

The Nerd: I see. Unfortunately, this is kind of my thing. (Notices "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" for the Atari 2600) How much is this one right here?

Hillbilly: A hundred.

The Nerd: A hundred? As in like $100?

Hillbilly: No, shit-for-brains. A hundred centavos. Of course, $100! We are living in the U.S. of A, ain't we?

The Nerd: I-I'll take it for $50.

Hillbilly: It's $100.

The Nerd: It's a piece of shit! Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what it is?

Hillbilly: I have no idea what that is. I could tell you what it looks like. It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now!

The Nerd: This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.

Hillbilly: That there is a rare video game, boy.

The Nerd: Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, I'm like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

Hillbilly: That ordinarily would sell for $300! I tell you why because that is one of the first horror movie video games ever made. Are you going to buy it or are you just going to look at it, okay? Cause, if you're going to look at it, you just put it right back down on the fucking table!

The Nerd: Nah, that's alright, I'm not interested.

Hillbilly: I tell you what.

The Nerd: Yeah, what?

Hillbilly: Yeah, it's still $100.

The Nerd: Yeah, what the fuck? Man, are you-

Hillbilly: Yeah, it's $100 and, I tell you what. Don't waste it.

The Nerd: Okay, what?

Hillbilly: You give me $150-

The Nerd: $150? What are you talking about?

Hillbilly: I didn't finish the deal here. Keep your drawers open, shorty! I will throw in this one for free. F-R-E-E-E. Free.

The Nerd: For free? $150 for it?

Hillbilly: Yep.

(The Nerd takes the other box. Menacing music plays, then cut to the Nerd Room.)

The Nerd: Alright, Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the Atari 2600. Let's pop this shit-fucker in and give it a go.

(The Nerd turns on TV)

The Nerd: Now, I gotta admit, there's really not much to say. You control Leatherface, the chainsaw-murdering psychopath, and you just go around killing people. That's right, you're the bad guy. Now, I think I understand why this game was so offensive. Sure, the graphics don't look too violent, but just the idea. The goal of the game is to murder innocent girls! Damn!

The Nerd: And, look at that! You get a thousand points every time you slice the living flesh off somebody. That's it! Go, Leatherface! Cut them bitches up! Get 'em! Get her! Yeah!

The Nerd: Now, compared to something like Grand Theft Auto, this doesn't look like much. Except here, your only goal is to slaughter people, whereas in Grand Theft Auto, there's other objectives.

The Nerd: Now, as far as Atari goes, there's not much point of complaining about the graphics, but, could they have at least made his chainsaw a different color than his body? It just blends in. It's just like his arms just tangled together or he has like, a big jagged dick coming out of his chest. Like, what the Hell, man?!?!

The Nerd: The dead girls are another thing that confuses me. What is this? I see two puddles of blood, but what happened to her body? I mean, I know that it's all cut up, but looking at it, it just doesn't make any sense. Is she upside down? It really takes a lot of imagination to see this as anything other than a colored mess of pixels.

The Nerd: Another thing really screwed up is that the vehicle is almost as big as the house. And, the trees are huge! The trunks along are half as wide as the house and they're further back, which means that they're probably even bigger than that. The scale in perspective in this game is all fucked up.

The Nerd: Then there's hay and wheelchairs and animal skulls. What happened in this field before you got there? Was there somebody in a wheelchair gunning down bulls?

The Nerd: The sound effects just suck my ass. It's Atari, so you can't expect much, but all you hear is just the farting of the chainsaw. And this high-pitched beep.

The Nerd: I mean, I've been wondering, what the fuck is this beeping sound for? But, according to rumor, it's supposed to be the girl screaming. Now, I say "rumor," because that's really a stretch.

The Nerd: Now, what the Hell? I'm stuck! Goddamn it! So, while you're running around, you gotta dodge every object you see because if you touch anything, and I mean if you touch anything, if just the edge of your body makes contact with one foreign pixel, you're stuck.

The Nerd: Now, look, I'm just trying to go by this thing here, and look! I can't fucking move! This doesn't make any sense! What kind of asshole would be immobilized be some random object just lying on the ground? What a shitload of fuck. Sometimes, you're chasing a girl and she keeps disappearing and reappearing behind you. So, they have, like some kind of teleportation skill. That would probably be a good thing if a psycho killer's chasing after you. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like they can teleport far!

The Nerd: The worst thing about this is that the more you use your chainsaw, the more you use up your fuel. That's right. The fucking thing runs on gas. When you run out of fuel, you're dead. So, when the game's over, the screen goes black like a Mortal Kombat fatality and the girl kicks you in the butt. How "violent." She kicks you in the rear.

The Nerd: Now, I can take bodies getting slashed apart with a chainsaw, but a kick in the ass, that's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

(He turns off the TV, then notices that Chop Top has entered the room holding a wire hanger.)

Chop Top: Hey, hey, it's ANN! More like AVGN! Heh, heh! I'm your most far-out fan, man!

The Nerd: Yeah, yeah, cool.

Chop Top: Whoa, man! So, is this where, like, you do all your videos?

The Nerd: Yeah.

Chop Top: Well, would you be able to give me a tour or something? Heh, heh.

The Nerd: Yeah, okay. Well, here's the games, you see? (Chop Top takes a cigarette lighter and touches the flame to the tip of the hanger) Here's the games. And, uh, you know, all the systems are right here. And, uh, that's it. The tour's over. You can go.

Chop Top: Whoa! That's far out! Heh, heh! Oh, yeah! Your, your next game review's going to be E.T., right?

The Nerd: (getting visibly annoyed) Oh, no! No!

Chop Top: No? Well, what are you going to do next, huh?

The Nerd: I don't know.

Chop Top: Are you actually going to do any Nintendo 64 games?

The Nerd: Eventually.

Chop Top: Hey man, remember in your Chronologically Confused video, you, like totally mentioned that part about that, like John Rambo! Well, you know, they're actually making a new Rambo movie!

The Nerd: I know.

Chop Top: And, they're calling it John Rambo, man!

The Nerd: I was aware of that.

Chop Top: You were totally right on the balls! Right on the money! RIGHT ON MY BALLS!!! Heh, heh! Hey, man! I have a friend named Lester, and he, like, really wants to be in, like, one of your videos, man!

The Nerd: Oh, okay!

Chop Top: Would you, like, when you do the E.T. review, like, could you just do, like, totally like, put his name in the review, like in the middle of it, when, you're, like, doing E.T., could you like-

(he laughs insanely, lights the end of the hanger again, and then scratches the top of his head with the hanger)

Chop Top: What kind of editing software do you use? Because, you know, I actually would like to become an angry nerd reviewer just like you! But, like, I was thinking, what would be easier? If I just got a knife and, like, cut you open and like, go inside of you and actually became you!

(The Nerd grabs the Atari 5200 Trak Ball controller off of a shelf and whacks Chop Top in the head with it, knocking him to the floor. Just then, Leatherface emerges from the hallway brandishing his chainsaw. As he starts it up, The Nerd mouths "What the fuck?" in shock. Leatherface charges at The Nerd, who gets away and runs out of the room, slamming the door behind him.)

Chop Top: GET THAT NERD, LEATHER! GET THAT NERD!

(Leatherface cuts through the door and runs after The Nerd. Chop Top gets "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" cart out of the Atari and follows.)

(Cut back to the hillbilly's table as The Nerd comes running up frantically.)

The Nerd: YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME! THERE'S THIS GUY COMING AFTER ME!

Hillbilly: Whoa, whoa!

The Nerd: I'm dead serious!

Hillbilly: Settle down!

The Nerd: I'm not kidding! There really is somebody coming after me!

Hillbilly: Son, be cool. Be calm. Be collected. Hey! What's that over there?

(The Nerd looks away and the hillbilly smacks him with his banjo, knocking him out.)

Hillbilly: Batter up, Bitch Boy! (He drops the banjo and begins dragging the unconscious Nerd across the ground by his legs) You motherfuckers! Don't tell me what I should... do! For they be motherfuckers!

(Cut to a storage shed where The Nerd wakes up to find that the hillbilly, Chop Top, and Leatherface have taken him prisoner and tied him to a chair.)

The Nerd: WHOA!!

Chop Top: Oh, poor baby! He's waking up! He's waking up! Boo-hoo!

The Nerd: OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?!?!?! COME ON, MAN!!! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!

Chop Top: You are going to be one fucked up Nerd!

The Nerd: GET ME OUT OF HERE, MAN! COME ON!

Chop Top: Man, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

The Nerd: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! WHAT THE FU-

Hillbilly: Shut the fuck up. (He ties a rubber chicken in his mouth) I guarantee ya, it's going to be better tasting that chicken what's-- than what's in store for you next. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chop Top: Here you go, bitch! How do you like to play some Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

The Nerd: NO! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!! NO!!!! (muffled yelling) I DON'T WANT THE GAME!

Chop Top: Here's the button! You know how the fucking button works? You push it with your finger like that. Then you can play the game. Play the fucking game or I'll grind your fucking eyeballs out!!!

The Nerd: (muffled) I DON'T WANT THE FUCKING GAME!

Chop Top: Play the game! Play the game! Play the game!

Hillbilly: So, what do you think there, nerd boy? How's the game going for you?

The Nerd: (muffled) This game's a fucking piece of shit!

Hillbilly: Yeah, I think it's shit! Hehehe!

Chop Top: Are you having fun playing Texas Chainsaw Massacre for Atari 2600?! (laughs crazily)

Hillbilly: Well, if he don't like playing video games, then why the fuck is he playing video games?

Leatherface: (muffled laughing)

The Nerd: (muffled screaming)

Hillbilly: Hehehe!

Chop Top: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How do you like that, nerd? How do you like it? How do you like it? AHAHAHAHAHA!

Hillbilly: He's playing the game like he really don't like it. Ain't that a shame? Listen to him whimper like a little girl! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEHEHEHE! Yeah, boy!

(The Nerd finally gets the upper hand)

Hillbilly: OH, SHIT!

Chop Top: Get him, Leatherface! He's getting out!

Hillbilly: Come on, Leatherface! Go get him!

(The Nerd runs away, with Leatherface following close behind. He then is blocked by a bicycle, with proves to be an advantage for him. He then finally gets back to his damaged home, then notices the other game. He flips it over and we find that it is the Halloween game. Then, a caption says, "To Be Continued... This Halloween.")

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