("Terminator 2: Judgement Day"-styled Angry Video Game Nerd intro)
The Nerd: The movie, Terminator 2, is a possible candidate for the best sequel of all time and best film in the action sci-fi genre. Any way you look at it, it's a masterpiece.
The Nerd: Naturally, video games feeding off its success started popping up all over the place. The one most people were familiar with was the arcade shoot 'em up by Midway. It was ported to the Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo.
The Nerd: The gameplay was just as mindless as ever: move the cursor around the screen and shoot everything in sight, except for your comrades who just get in your damn way. (sees a golden Terminator) You know, I wasn't aware they made Terminators in gold.
The Nerd: Fighting the boss is the most redundant thing of all. It takes more bullets than anything you'll ever see. All you do is shoot, shoot, shoot. In the Genesis version, it looks like R.O.B. the Robot. Otherwise, it's basically the same game but with slight changes.
The Nerd: Some of the sound effects are better. In the Super NES version, when the soldiers get hit, they yell "No!"
The Nerd: Which is stupid. But in the Genesis version, they just scream.
The Nerd: Big improvement. But some of the animation is lacking. (Freeze-frames on a flaming barrel) Look at the barrels, the flames don't even move.
The Nerd: Unlike the Super NES version, you get items on the first stage. They come in what looks like a little fridge, and it seems they never run out. How many items could their possibly be in this one little box?
The Nerd: The worst part is where you have to protect John Connor. All that happens; he gets killed and you lose. It's a senseless game, but it was a novelty at the time. The home consoles tried to take advantage of it with the Super Scope and the Sega Menacer. But the only real way to play it was in the arcade. It was even ported on Game Boy. Now that is pathetic.
The Nerd: Now for Terminator 2 on NES. It's all about that little rainbow of death. (He's referring to the LJN logo.) I swear I don't even plan this, it just so happens that LJN holds a monopoly on shitty games. They were also behind every home console version of Terminator 2, even the arcade ports.
The Nerd: "LJN proudly presents..." Oh, I bet. Now, this, of course begins an alternate series of Terminator 2 games that differ from the arcade version. Level 1, you're the Terminator going around at a truck stop, punching people. It's just a monotonous button-masher, and it takes so many punches to put them down. All you want to do is run past them. But you can't do that, because guess what? The whole objective of this stage is to punch everybody out.
The Nerd: The sound effects suck ass, it's just "pfff pfff pfff". There's no difference to when you're punching the air and when you're hitting someone. Couldn't there be at least two distinct sound effects? (The same sound effects are used for punching) Ugggh, God, this takes forever. When you're in between them, you keep getting hit. But even if you keep them all to the side, they bunch together and still, you take a lot of hits. It's the first part of the game, and already I'm fucking sick of it.
The Nerd: Then you go in the tavern, like the first scene of the movie. Once again, you got to punch everybody out. They keep coming out from under the bar. How many guys are back there? Then you come to the boss. Now who is this guy, he's taller than you, and aren't you supposed to be the Terminator? Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger! It does tend to underestimate the hugeness, doesn't it?
(The Terminator dies)
The Nerd: Look, I'm dead, he just took out a Terminator, a machine, with his bare fists. This is absurd. If I crouch down, he can't hit me, so I can just punch him all I want. But it goes on forever, and in fact, I don't think this hurts him. So why have the character in the game act like he's getting hurt when he's clearly not? Looks like I'm jerking him off. He can be killed, but it just takes a little patience.
The Nerd: Level 2, this is the only stage where you're on the motorcycle. One thing you need to know: you got to shoot the gate to open it, otherwise you just crash. Even after that fact, you can still hit the wall unless you're perfect. (Shows footage of "Bart vs. the World") It reminds me of Bart vs. the World when you're on the Great Wall of China. Hate that shit!
The Nerd: But the most annoying thing is the truck. He keeps coming up from the bottom of the screen and it sucks you toward it. Like, what, does it have a magnet on the front? The first time I played this, I had no idea what you're supposed to do. I'd figure you'd have to accelerate, but couldn't find any way to do so. Turns out you can shoot back, so all you got to do is shoot the truck and then it, like, bounces you forward again. But trying to shoot the truck and paying attention to all the other stuff at the same time is really frustrating. Then you rescue John Connor, and he makes you swear not to kill anyone.
The Nerd: So here comes level 3. You're going around a hospital trying to rescue Sarah. You're not allowed to shoot anyone unless it's in the legs, which is simple, but it makes you feel foolish having to duck all the time. I mean, this is the first side-scrolling stage where you have the gun, and you can't kill anyone.
The Nerd: Level 4, you're in Cyberdyne on a mission to blow the place up. You go around collecting bombs which look like, I don't know, a headless chicken holding a dead rat? What, you don't see it? Oh, I don't know. You take all the bombs and deposit them into this thing-a-ma-fucker, and you think that's it, right? No, you take the bombs back out and lay them in designated spots.
The Nerd: OK, well, what was the point? Why couldn't you just collect the bombs, and put them where they go? I can only imagine what they were thinking. "Duh! You put these bombs in this thing." Alright, what next? "Uhhh, how about you take them back out and you put them somewhere else!" It's treating us like a fucking dog! "Go get the ball, bring it back, go get it again! Heh heh!" Fucking dickwads!
The Nerd: Level 5 is a nightmare. Everywhere you go, you got to jump on moving platforms. Your accuracy better be perfect, or else you're dead. Fuck. It's next to impossible. It teases you by thinking the chain's going to go lower, but it doesn't. It's as wide of a jump as possible, and the platform doesn't even stay down long enough. You only get 1 microsecond to get your mark, and there's a fucking fireball! So this jump is one of the most grueling things you could ever accomplish in your life.
The Nerd: There's another jump that seems to have a glitch or something. (Arnold dies from the lava even though he landed on the pipe) Like, come on, that killed me?! I landed on the pipe, not the lava! Well then, if landing on the pipe kills me, why can't it just look the same as the lava? And what about this right here? That's not a platform? Well, then, why the fuck does it look like a platform? There's some serious issues here.
The Nerd: At last, you fight the T-1000... with your fists. Unless you still have some ammo left over from Cyberdyne. That's because there's no ammo on this stage! Not at all! So if you're down to your bare hands, then that's all you're going to get. If anything, they should have a whole stockpile of ammo to get you ready. Because it's the final battle.
The Nerd: If you look at a game, say from the Castlevania series, right before you get to Dracula, there's a spot where you can load up your supply of items. It's secretive, yeah, but it's there. Even the main corridor has some weapons. But here, you don't get a damn thing. Once you push the T-1000 in the lava, you've won. Then you see the final cutscene. It seems they hit all the key scenes in the movie, which is nice, but why they left out the Terminator theme still perplexes me.
The Nerd: Next we have Terminator 2 on Game Boy. For a portable console, there's not much to complain about, as far as graphics go. In fact, it's pretty well done. You play as John Connor in the future fighting your way to Skynet. The first stage seems simple enough, until you reach the laser barrier at the end. So naturally, you walk back to the left trying to figure out what to do. Then you find out you can shoot these towers. So I take them all down and still, we have a barrier. Turns out you got to shoot down all the towers in order, from tallest to shortest. What a load of random bullshit!
The Nerd: The second level, you're in Skynet. It's more self-explanatory, but these bombs on the floor are such a pain in the ass. I can't shoot them and I can't jump over them either. Oh, and guess what? You know how most of these games, you have 3 lives and no continues? Well here, you get only 1. (Game Over screen with an apocalyptic scene straight from the movie and text saying "With John Connor defeated..." appears) That's it. You die once and the game's over! The thought of making it through the entire game without dying once is ludicrous.
The Nerd: At the end of the second stage, you have to reprogram the Terminator. Okay, is this how John Connor did it? I never thought this part of the story would make it into the game. Basically, you have to mend the wires together so that the electric currents go the right way. But you have a time limit, and it always seems to end right before you figure out what you're doing. You can't even pause the game to look at it because the screen goes blank. At least you get a second chance here, but two fuck-ups and you're done.
The Nerd: One last game, thank fucking God. Terminator 2 on Super Nintendo. And does it have the Terminator theme? No, of course not. Well, it's sort of a crappy remix version of it. How the Hell did they make so many Terminator games and not have the theme? The only one I've seen that has it is the Sega CD version.
The Nerd: If you watch the demo, it shows a naked Arnold walking into the bar, and they censor him Austin Powers style! Now that's funny! Once you hit Start, it bypasses this whole scene.
The Nerd: Right away, you have your clothes on and you're going around punching people. All I can say is, my God, the control is so bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo wooo!! Oh, God.
The Nerd: I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator and made him into a mockery. It's a fucking joke! And I'm not just doing this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go faster is to hop around like a fucking idiot.
The Nerd: Unlike the NES version, the goal isn't to knock everybody out 'cause they're never-ending. In fact, that could be a good joke to play on someone, like: "Hey, give it a try! Kill all the guys! I dare you! You'll be playing forever."
The Nerd: The goal is to find a pistol and a shotgun. But that's not all, you need to find John Connor's phone number. But that's still not enough. You need to collect future objects. I don't know what the Hell these are supposed to be, but they look like little coolers or first aid kits. I don't remember them from the movie, so why is it so necessary to include them in the game?
The Nerd: Now unless you've played the game before, you'd probably assume once you uncover these objects, you've collected them. But no, you're supposed to aim your gun and shoot them. Now look at your itinerary, it says "Collect future objects." So unless your idea of collecting objects is to blow the everlasting fuck out of them, shouldn't it say destroy future objects? One thing I find amusing is that everything in this bar blows up for no apparent reason. You can even attack the waitress.
The Nerd: Any sane human being would shut off the game before even completing the first stage, but I tried my best to persevere and what I found next is this. (Zooms in on a tiny motorcycle) That little motorcycle, believe it or not, that's you. You can't tell it apart from the others. The first time I got to this stage, I died before I had the chance to figure out what was going on.
(Game Over screen with the nuclear explosion scene from the movie and the date August 29, 1997, signifying the beginning of Judgement Day, appears)
The Nerd: Oh, yeah, and by the way, 1 life. Yep, die once and it's all over. They really stuck to that format, didn't they? Play the whole game in one go! It's unthinkable.
(The motorcycle crashes into a truck, and the truck bursts into flames)
The Nerd: Oh man, a head-on collision with a truck and a motorcycle, and the truck explodes. Now let me tell you, I still don't understand how you control this. The main problem being that I can't figure out how to turn. It has something to do with holding the D-Pad and the Y button, but I can't get the feel for it. Without even hesitating, I can honestly say this is the absolute WORST driving stage I have ever played! Roger Rabbit was bad, Dick Tracy was horrible, and at the time, I thought that one was the worst. But now that I've played this, just... wow. It takes the cake.
The Nerd: That's as far as I can make it, and that's about all the Terminator games I have to play. In conclusion, the Grand Rotten Turkey Award goes to this. (the Nerd holds up the "Terminator 2" SNES cart)
The Nerd: Out of all the Terminator games I've played, this has got to be the worst. Because you've got to take into consideration the limitations of the NES and the capabilities of the Super NES. Wouldn't you think the Super NES version would be best by far? Not only that, but it's the sequel, so there's no excuse why it shouldn't have been better.
The Nerd: So do yourself a favor and never ever play this game, because there's no fate but what you make for yourself. Choose the right fate and terminate this son of a bitch!
(The Nerd walks into a steel mill looking into the molten steel)
The Nerd: Goodbye, baby!
(The Nerd tosses the game into the molten steel.)