The original Ninja Turtles is one of the most annoying games I've ever played. You first play it and think: "Well, this can't be too bad. The control's decent, it's fun killing things, the sound effects are cool." You may even think I'm trying to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage. You may be, like, you know, "Come on, it's the first of its kind, be easy on it." But, no. It sucks. It sucks ass from a straw. And you want to know why? Well, where do I begin?
That beeping sound when you're low on energy? I mean, that's so annoying! Now, look at that! Now, how the hell am I supposed to get up there? That's impossible! And who is that guy with the chainsaw anyway? Remember him from Ninja Turtles? I sure don't. The only way I can get up there is with Donatello, the turtle with the longest weapon.
(The Nerd sighs.)
C'mon, get over here, you fuck nut. Alright. Okay, all that just for a pizza? Pizza shit!
Okay, here's a trick I think everybody knows: When you're fighting Rocksteady, you jump on these crates with Donatello and you just keep hitting him with your bo. Now, what's really weird is the timing. I mean, you have to hit him when he's sorta ducking, not when he's standing up. I guess that would make too much sense, so it's obviously a game flaw.
Then there's that level where you have to save the dam. April O'Neil says: "You have my support." Okay. What the Hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearing bitch. So, you have to swim and deactivate all these bombs, and there's so many things out there to kill you, and you have a time limit. So, naturally, you're rushing to make it through as fast as you can. And all these electric plants hurt you, so you need a lot of patience. But how could you have patience when you're in a fucking hurry? FUCK!
Level 3 is like a maze. You're in the Turtle Van going around, and there's steamrollers coming at you from everywhere. And you know what I always thought was really weird? Why does the Turtle Van have the same energy bar as the turtle that you have selected? Like, shouldn't it have its own since it's, like, the vehicle and not... you know, the turtle? Never mind.
So, here's a pop quiz: Who were the target audience for this game? Kids. Kids who were fans of Ninja Turtles. Now, you think they actually would have put more Ninja Turtle characters in the game? Like, uh, Baxter Stockman, the Rat King, Krang?
I mean, it's not like Krang was, like, a minor character that came in the fifth season of the show. Krang was right there from the beginning. So, like, there's no excuse. There was no excuse not to have him there. I mean, instead, make way for, uh, the missile balloons, flying robot heads, those little butterfly things, Mr. Fire Man.
(The Nerd takes a sip of Rolling Rock.)
And why don't you hear the Ninja Turtles theme song anywhere in the game? What a piece of shit.
And you know what I hate? The fucking jumps in the sewer. If your accuracy is slightly off, you're going down. So, you really gotta take your time and watch what's coming up. Ugh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sake! They can't even swim?
And look at this shit right here! These spike walls come out at you like an Indiana Jones booby trap. And some game designer who's laughing their ass off decided to put a pizza down there. Okay, w-well, what's the point? I mean, are you going to be suicidal enough to go and try to get that pizza? I mean, who's going to do that? It's impossible. What a joke!
Speaking of hard-to-reach pizzas, look at this! Come on! Augh! You fuck rat! This is just a bunch of cock-a-dookie, this is bullfuck. Jesus Christ Almighty. holy shit! Fuck! Oh my god. Oh, man. Why is this game so hard? It's for kids! Have mercy!
And why does this jump have to be so close to the ceiling? Fuck this game! And you know what pisses me off? Every time you fall down, you have to walk through the entire room all over again. All the enemies come back, so you have to fight everybody all over again. Now, if you get the pizza, the pizza doesn't come back, only the bad guys. What a shitload of fuck!
I mean, you can't even develop a strategy because the enemies keep changing. It's completely random. I can't get over this fucking jump. If only those two extra platforms weren't there, it wouldn't be a problem. God! Can I get up? Can I get up? Nooo! God-fucking-damnit, get the fuck up there! Get up there! Fuck! Whoa dude, this game's, like, a total bummer. What a joke! Fuck! (walks over the small gap) Wait, you can just walk over it? You can just... walk over it.
(The Nerd sighs.)
You are scum.
(The Nerd starts drinking a bottle of Rolling Rock.)
Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls, this game is an inside-out asshole regurgitated putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, IT FUCKING BLOWS, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT... and I don't like it.