The Nerd: Spider-Man on the Atari 2600. Let's pop this sucker in here. We're playing with the Atari wireless controller. Pretty nifty, right? Atari was ahead of their time. So, you're just climbing up the building, you're shooting with the web, which is, like, black for some reason. It almost looks like Spider-Man's shooting out like a long turd or something. And, you can't touch anything, except the yellow parts, so, oh, the web didn't reach, oh, and I'm falling, but you can save yourself if you just keep shooting the web. So, anyway, you're just trying to get up here. You can shoot diagonal too, but it's really finicky with the controller. Aw, FUCK! Oh, God! Oh, shit! This game is just fucking horrible!
The Nerd: Holy shit! It's Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: You need some help with this game?
The Nerd: I sure do! This shitty-ass fucking game's driving me nuts!
Spider-Man: This game can't be shitty. This is Spider-Man!
The Nerd: Yeah, it's Spider-Man, but sorry, Spider-Man, this game really does suck.
Spider-Man: You must be doing something wrong. Let me help you with this game.
The Nerd: You'll help me with this game?
The Nerd: Oh, gee-whizz, thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: I'll show you how it's done. See, you gotta press the up, right?
The Nerd: Yeah, I got that part.
Spider-Man: It's really so easy, it's practically boring in a way. You could just go up, up, up. See I like going diagonal because it sometimes gets boring going straight. Getting to the top. Getting to the top. (Creates a little rap) "James likes the little web. Little web, little web, little web, little web, little web."
The Nerd: What is that thing supposed to be? It's-it's like a checkerboard or like a disco cube or something.
Spider-Man: That's the Superbomb.
The Nerd: The Superbomb?
Spider-Man: The Superbomb.
The Nerd: Well, there's bombs in the game, why can't that bomb look like a bomb?
Spider-Man: It's fucking Spider-Man!
The Nerd: Yeah, I know!
Spider-Man: Watch this.
The Nerd: You can't touch the Superbomb.
Spider-Man: Wait, you gotta go around it?
The Nerd: Oh, there you go, oh, no! He's gonna hit you, he's gonna hit you! AH! Ah, you're falling, you're falling! Oh, my- uh! When you let go- you know what's gonna happen when you let go of that button? You're gonna fall.
Spider-Man: (groans) You know, this is starting to piss me off, actually.
The Nerd: There you go, come on! Ah, you died.
Spider-Man: Well, you were talking to me! FUCKLOAD OF SHIT!
The Nerd: This is YOUR game! YOUR GAME!
Spider-Man: SHIT-FUCK! FUCK! GOD--FUCK! (Yells angrily and takes game out of Atari while he uses web and the song plays the first level theme of "Fester's Quest".) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!
(Spider-Man smashes game to ground.)
The Nerd: Don't worry, Spider-Man, it's only a game. Here, have a beer.
Spider-Man: I don't want this corporate bullshit.
The Nerd: It's Rolling Rock.
Spider-Man: It's Shit Rock. (Pours beer out, shows Yuengling bottle.) Stick to the local brew. (The Nerd takes swig.) That's the local brew. (The Nerd approves the beer taste, gives it a thumbs up.)
The Nerd: Well, we got another game on the NES, and we're gonna play it in the Top-loader. Yeah, we're being pretty fancy today. The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit. (real title: "Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six.")
Spider-Man: I'm trying to understand the controls here.
The Nerd: Alright, A punches, if you tap A, it does like a jump kick. Oh, you hold the button, and it shoots the web. The control is awful and the worst thing about trying to review a game with bad controls is that you can't explain it. You can only jump straight up. Unless you-you already push-
Spider-Man: You know, you're pushing the wrong buttons.
The Nerd: No, I'm not! Look, I can't even hit this guy! Oh, look at this!
Spider-Man: Get him! Why are you fucking jerking around?
The Nerd: Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself.
Spider-Man: Why are you jumping all over the place?
The Nerd: Because every time I hit the button it, like, jumps.
Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come to you!
The Nerd: There's no, like jump kick move, like you can't jump then do an attack.
Spider-Man: Well, then, don't do that move!
The Nerd: Well, he- I can't hit him when he's in the air.
Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come down, then!
The Nerd: Look, now what's he doing? He's not gonna come up. I can't even tell if I’m hitting him.
Spider-Man: Oh, you got him!
The Nerd: Did I?
Spider-Man: The power bar went down, but you're gonna fucking die way before than he does.
The Nerd: Come on, damn it!
Spider-Man: Just wait. Patience. There's no fucking clock in this game. There's only 20 of 'em... in the background.
The Nerd: Thank fucking Lord!
The Nerd: Look, see, you can't even kill that one guy.
Spider-Man: But is it necessary to kill them in all honesty? Do we have to kill everybody we see? I'm the Nerd. I'm the Nerd. Look how I play. I go back and forth, back and forth. This is what the Nerd does. He goes back and forth. And this level is fucking annoying me. There's nothing up here, so you go down, and you go down, and then you.... kill something and you fucking go down, and you can't go that way, so you, you go up. Alright, God-damn it! There's nothing over here. What the fuck's the point of this? Alright, you know what? This-this game's a piece of shit. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I don't know where the fuck I'm going, I can't get up here! Do it, damn it!
The Nerd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
The Nerd and Spider-Man: IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!
Spider-Man: IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRAP! (Takes game out using web and destroys it while the song plays "New Junk City" from Earthworm Jim on Sega Genesis.)
The Nerd: Alright, we got another game on the Game Boy. To play the Game Boy, you need the game. Here's the Game, that's the Boy, this is the Game Boy. The game is The Amazing Spider-Man, and believe it or not, the control is even worse. The punch is delayed, like a full second later. And that was the web? That's ridiculous. How do I get up?
Spider-Man: Jump! Jump!
The Nerd I am jumping! Look, it won't-
Spider-Man: You look fucking retarded. See, now you're being Spider-Man. Shit. Alright, now you're fucking being dead.
The Nerd: Look at this; there's just all this falling rock crap on me. Wow, there's a suicide button in the game!
Spider-Man: Well, what do you expect? You're fucking jumping while you're trying to hang on to a building.
The Nerd: I can't climb up there!
Spider-Man: Go in!
The Nerd: I'm trying!
Spider-Man: You have to jump to it.
The Nerd: Oh, okay. So that's what the jump button's for. Okay, you're pretty much depended on the web to get over some of these jumps. But, how do you do the web? I don't know. The control just does whatever the fuck it wants! LOOK AT THAT! HOLY SHIT! Oh, my God, I can't- I tried to jump, I swear! This is God-awful, this is ass.
Spider-Man: Let me try the game out.
The Nerd: Knock yourself out.
(Spider-Man climbs to ceiling.)
The Nerd: What are you doing on my fucking ceiling?
Spider-Man: Okay, I agree, the control is a little delayed, but- oh; and then you fucking just do this-
The Nerd: What are you going to do there?
Spider-Man: I don't know. God-damn it! (exclaims) Alright, this guy's fucking impossible. Get over here, you fucking son-of-a-bitch! (while hitting himself with Game Boy) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS?! (hits ceiling with Game Boy) THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUT OF ME, AND IT'S FUCKING SHIT! IT'S HORRIBLE!
(Throws Game Boy to ground, smashing it.)
The Nerd: One more game. Spider-Man 2 on the Game Boy Advance. Well, I'm playing it on my DS, to be exact. Alright, well, this is the first level of the game, you gotta deliver pizzas.
Spider-Man: They put that in a video game?
The Nerd: Well, that's pretty weird, yeah. I mean, you delivered pizzas before though, right?
Spider-Man: No, no, no, I never did that.
The Nerd: Yeah, you did in the movie, Spider-Man 2.
Spider-Man: I did that at one point, but I don't want people fucking knowing about that.
The Nerd: Did you ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?
Spider-Man: Not on purpose, but for them to put that in the game, it's insulting, and it's-
The Nerd: Yeah, I agree.
Spider-Man: I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
The Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
(Spider-Man flips the Nerd off.)
Spider-Man: I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fucking ass!
(Kyle Justin plays a parody of the Spider-Man theme song)
Kyle Justin: Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
Takes a dump in a coffee can,
Plays some games with a grudge,
Gonna shit out some anal fudge,
Look out, here comes some shitty games.
Alcohol is his power source,
Takes a piss like a drunken horse,
Climbs a wall, then he falls,
This game sucks his spider balls,
Oh, no, he's playing the shitty games.
When he plays his games,
He feels so ashamed,
He shoots webs from his wrist,
But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed.
Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd,
Rather suck on a frozen turd,
Or eat some crap from a moose,
Gonna chug down some poopy juice.
Are such a great big fuck-up,
They make you want to throw up,
All over Spider-Man.