The Nerd: Alright, this is Silver Surfer. SILVER SHIT! (inserts game into NES and turns it on) He looks so stupid! I mean, what the Hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... (The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)
(Stage select screen appears)
The Nerd: Alright, so you get this stage select thing, kinda like in Mega Man, which is good for the sake of this review, so I don't really have to beat anything to show you all the stages in the game.
The Nerd: So it's just like one of those fly-and-shoot games, kind of like Defender or LifeForce, you know. Nothing too special, but not bad, actually. Your weapon's kind of lame, but there's power-ups which let you shoot double. (Silver Surfer dies from touching the wall) What the FUCK?! I can't touch the walls?! That's right. You can't touch ANYTHING in this game, so don't fuck around.
The Nerd: Anyway, what was I saying about the weapons? Oh yeah, there-there's not much else I think you can get, I mean, you can shoot backwards, like if somebody's coming behind you, and that's always a real shit-sucker 'cause you wanna concentrate on what's ahead. It's kinda clumsy to switch back, because you press the B button to change direction, and you use A to shoot. (Silver Surfer falls) Ah, fuck! I guess that wasn't a good time to demonstrate.
The Nerd: So there you go, shoot the rubber ducky which doesn't die. (Silver Surfer dies) OH, FUCK! If you play this game, one thing I can guarantee is that your thumb is going to get pretty damn sore from tapping that button. There's not one instant where you can take a break. You're constantly firing away, even when there's nothing in sight, because you don't know what's coming up. I mean, there's no reason not to be shooting. And this wouldn't bother me so fucking much if you could just hold down the button and let it keep shooting, but no. Of course not. So what you need is a turbo button. Whether it's an NES Advantage or an NES Max, put that other fucking controller away, press that turbo button, and never let go.
The Nerd: So I beat the stage, though each stage consists of two or more sections. Now, we're in the second section, and we got an overhead view, which is equally as difficult as any of the rest. Actually, I think they're worse, because you don't know what's supposed to be underneath you or blocking you. I'm assuming I can't touch these wooden parts. Uh-oh, now I'm probably fucked... (Silver Surfer goes through) Oh, never mind, I guess I could go through those. You see, the graphics are so unclear as to what you're allowed to touch and what you're not. You don't know what the hazards are. (Silver Surfer gets killed by an almost-invisible bullet) Look at that. That's not fair. I couldn't see that tiny bullet coming through the trees. It's like camouflaged. And the way those waves move, it's just like a bunch of flickering blue lines. It plays with your eyes and fucks you all up. What a cruel game.
The Nerd: I give up. I'm trying another stage: Fire Lord. Alright, another overhead. (Silver Surfer dies from touching the ground) Ah, FUCK! I can't believe this. You can't touch the ground. That means that you have to stay in the brown area, which pretty much limits you to about 20% of the screen. This is ridiculous, just staying within this narrow range. It's like playing the game Operation, but with a bunch of shit flying around trying to kill you. You have such a tight space to maneuver if you want to kill these things. Come on, come on! (exclaims and shakes head) Let's try again. Come on, COME ON, OH, FUCK! (Silver Surfer crashes into the side, killing him) If only his board wasn't so goddamn long! Or if you can go diagonally, like if you can go at an angle, but you're always pointing straight, which makes it impossible to squeeze through narrow spots like this.
The Nerd: You know, it's so easy to die in this game, and every time you die, you have to see this. (Game over screen with Silver Surfer bent over and crying in sad surrender) This sad, pathetic image of Silver Surfer just trembling in defeat. If you play this game, this image will be burned into your retina. And how appropriate, because this picture expresses better than words my feelings on this game. Just look at it. That sums up the whole thing.
The Nerd: What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no, it isn't bad... IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE! And I dare you to play it. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's bad, but this game just went way, way too far. The difficulty is legendary. This is the grand champion of hard motherfucking games. It doesn't fuck around. Why couldn't there be a health bar, like three hits? Would that be okay? NO. ONE fucking hit, and you're dead. Well, then couldn't you have extra lives? Which you do, but they don't matter because when you die, you start back from the beginning of the stage. There's some checkpoints along the way, yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that when you die, you go back. Compare that to Contra: Super C. You get hit once and you're dead, but you get to continue where you left off. You don't have to start at the beginning of the stage unless you've lost all your lives. If that happened, even your 30-life code wouldn't help much. Silver Surfer, on the other hand, just says "Fuck all that! If you're gonna play, you've gotta be hardcore!"
The Nerd: So now we're in Fire Lord, section 2, whoa, watch the fire, OH, SHIT! (Silver Surfer gets killed by a pumpkin) Fucking... jack-o'lanterns? Alright, let's try again. Dodge the fire, stay up and watch the jack-o'lanterns, oh, better watch that thing, oh, God, I gotta go down! OH, FUCK! Your mother.
The Nerd: Fire's coming down. Got that part under control. Watch the jack-o'lanterns. (Silver Surfer crashes into the ceiling) Fuck! Touched the damn ceiling. Fire's coming down, jack-o'lanterns, oh, oh, ugh! ASS! Alright, this time, I'm trying to shoot those fucking jack-o'lanterns. Stay back, back, back, ugh! Oh! God! Alright, getting into place, watching the walls, (Silver Surfer gets killed by another pumpkin) oh, you FUCKING PUMPKIN PIECE OF SHIT! OK, this time, staying up on the top, don't get hit, don't get hit, get under that thing, oh, here we go, don't get hit, yes! Yes! YES! (Yells) NO!
The Nerd: I can't take it anymore. (Drinks some Yuengling) You know... there's really no point in going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sitting on top of the TV. You know, if you beat the game, it probably just says "The End," and that's it. So to keep playing it, ya gotta be a fucking nerd. (Continues to play game)
The Nerd: Okay, we gotta watch out for these statues puking lava. (Silver Surfer gets killed by a pumpkin) God! ANOTHER motherfucking pumpkin. There's so many obstacles, it's unbeliev- (touches red pot and dies) I CAN'T TOUCH THAT RED POT?! (it appears that he got hit by lava right at the moment he touched the pot) Alright, that's where I give up.
The Nerd: Let's try another stage. I figure I gotta be able to defeat at least one of them. Now, this is really a bitch. I mean, all these ghouls coming at me. They got bats, jack-o'lanterns, and now ghosts? It's like another Kindergarten Halloween game. They should have just called it: whatever. (BOO! HAUNTED HOUSE!) This is just insane, I mean, look at all this! Oh, my God! So much shit, so much shit! Here we go! Oh, yeah! (Silver Surfer crashes into a wooden log) Oh, God! I touched the... log?
The Nerd: You fucking ghosts! You fucking motherfucking pieces of shit! UGH! God, I hate those gargoyles! They just... shit all over the place! I hate it. I just fucking hate it. Look at this. This pattern is just insane, it's basically just a bunch of lines waving across the screen, and if you go anywhere near those paths, you're dead.
The Nerd: Once again, let's try another stage: Possessor. Well, it's not any easier, especially when I'm losing my patience. And look at this. There's so much stuff coming at you. Bullets are flying everywhere. Ugh! Let's pause it. Ju-just look. (Red waves appear on the screen) Look, any of these areas are dead zones. You have stuff coming at you every which way, which means there's not one safe spot because you need to keep moving forward. So, you're in danger's way all the time. You just have to play the shit out of it until you know in advance exactly what's going to happen.
The Nerd: Unless you've played this game, you have no idea how hard it is. Let me try to explain, okay? Imagine if I were to draw a maze on a sheet of paper. I'm asking you to draw a line from the beginning of this maze to the end. You can't run into any dead ends, and you can't touch any of the lines. Now, while you're trying to do this, I'm moving the maze to the left. It would drive you fucking nuts. And if that's a bit too theoretical to accept, let me explain it this way: imagine playing Mega Man 2.
(Shows game footage from "Mega Man 2")
The Nerd: Imagine you had no health bar. Imagine if you get hit one single fucking time, you're dead. And is that fair? It's challenging, yes. But it's not to say that unless you're a hardcore expert, you're going to take a few hits sooner or later. Now I'm not done. Imagine, on top of that, multiply the number of enemies on the screen and give them more hit points. (Shows game footage from "The Legend of Zelda" on NES) Imagine if you were playing Zelda and you weren't allowed to get hit once or touch any of the walls or blocks.
The Nerd: I mean, this game just pukes snot up my ass. (Silver Surfer dies repeatedly) It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE! (lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice) Oh, God, I can't fucking stand it.
The Nerd: (Sighs) One last stage, and I'm sure it's no exception to the difficulty. You're just trying to avoid this stuff that's coming sideways, and then this gun appears at the top of the screen with no warning and shoots in three directions. Instant death. If you try to blast it away as soon as it appears, you just end up getting yourself killed too because you need to be in the line of fire in order to shoot at it. Sometimes, you come to like a blockade of enemies, just a flood of bullets coming down the whole screen. It's just one big dead zone. If you're in that area, YOU'RE SIMPLY DEAD! So fuck it, I can't complete a single stage!
The Nerd: This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot without your toes or heels touching the floor. It would be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?!
The Nerd: I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall, but the fact that he just touches the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp? Why's he fucking up rubber ducks and weeping like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fucking joke! Like, what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fucking insult! This game should have been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fucking LJN poster I have back here! MAN, I WOULD JUST PISS AND SHIT ALL OVER THIS FUCKING GAME! IN FACT, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVING AN ANAL EVACUATION! (Swigs some Yuengling) Fuck! (Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it to the wall in rage.)
(Credits roll, after which the GameTrailers logo appears)
The Nerd: ASSSS!
- Sometime after the Nerd uses the NES Max, it is revealed that he is using the normal NES controller again.