(The title card appears, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" fight music. Later, we see the Nerd put the Power Glove on, accompanied by the "TITLE BOUT!" music from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!".)
The Nerd: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean BAD. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? (Holds up an NES controller) Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay. Playing it, you know, with a controller. So, if anything, the Power Glove is an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fucking jerking off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, one fucking complaint about this glove; it doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fucking play it!
The Nerd: Now, before you can even begin to get this fucking piece of shit to work, you have to put these three sensors on your TV like this. (the sensors fall) Fuck! Piece of shit--FUCK! (puts a Panasonic 3D0 controller on top of the sensors, accompanied by the "Excitebike" Track Selection Screen music)
The Nerd: Now, if you own the Power Glove, you're gonna need to know what the program codes are. Yes, that's right, you have to put in a different code for each game that you play. So, go on the Internet, get a whole bunch of fucking codes for all the fucking games, and whenever you're playing a fucking game, you gotta punch in the code. (The Nerd types out Prog.-1-Enter-Enter, sensors fall off the TV again) Fuck! (The Nerd ends up putting duct tape on the sensors, accompanied by the "Excitebike" Title Screen and Game Over Theme)
The Nerd: (Super Glove Ball) Alright, Super Glove Ball. Well, the game is, basically, you're just this glove, and you're going around grabbing balls. Grab the flying fish! Grab 'em! Grab 'em! I don't get it. That's it. I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm going to show you different games on the Power Glove.
The Nerd: (Metroid) To shoot, I just squeeze my fingers. Damn! Fuck! Go up! GO UP! Go up! I can't get the fuck up there. Goddamn it! It's easier to do a handstand while taking a shit.
The Nerd: (Double Dragon) How do I attack? Oh, somehow I kicked, but I don't really know how I did it. I'm getting my ass kicked! Ughhhh. Damn! Come on! Get him! Get him! Punch him--aw, fuck. I can't pass the first screen in Double Dragon. Damn it! Just might as well just use the fucking controller. (uses the built-in D-pad and buttons) (under his breath) Jesus Christ. (normal voice) What's the point of this?
The Nerd: (Castlevania) Castlevania. By twitching my finger like this, I swing the whip. Come on, oh, yeah, there we go! How do I jump? How the fuck do I jump? Is that it? By squeezing? Is that jump? Can I get up the stairs? Can I get up the fucking stairs? Fuck! How do I get up the fucking stairs? Oh. Just jump. Can I do a nice jump over this? Come on! Do a jump! Yeah! There we go! We jumped. It's awesome. It-it's really exciting when you actually get something to work. Go down. There we go. No, don't go that way. Go this way. You asshole, come on. Don't go up the steps, go down the stairs. Don't go up the steps, go down! Don't go up the fucking steps, go down! Go down, you- ahhh, how the fuck am I going up there again? Come- oh, Jesus, jumping all over the place, I didn't even know you can jump backwards. Come on, ah, you fucking fishmen. Oh, good luck, I'm gonna fall in the water and die. FUCK! Wow, this sucks. This sucks hard. Come on, now jump! JUMP! Jump! Oh, wow! That helped. Ok, keep going. Ah! Fuck!
The Nerd: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. There's only one way to do this game with the Power Glove. (punches cartridge)
The Nerd: (Kung-Fu Heroes) So, while it's not very responsive, I can go up and I can go down and left and right. But, everything else, like the punching and the kicking just seems to come at... random.
The Nerd: (Bubble Bobble) (The Nerd keeps dying, apparently) If you're trying to pop the bubbles, good luck. It sucks monkey fuck. Sucks monkey fuck!
The Nerd: (LifeForce) Down. Go down. Come on, DOWN, DOWN! GO THE FUCK DOWN! Down! Go down. Left. Go back. Come on, go back! Go left! I can't shoot anybody over there. Go back. Go up. Up. Oh, Jesus, oh, God. Fuck, go! Damn it! Fuck-a-doodle-shit.
The Nerd: (Jackal) "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fucking Power Glove! I can't even line myself up to shoot this fucking tank up here. Go up! Shoot the tank! Damn it! Shoot the tank! Shoot the tank! I think I got it. Uh, I can't get around the rock. God-damn it! Move! Ah, left. Left. Come on, left! Left. You can go left. Come on, up. Left! Up! I can't even get around the trees. Oh, yeah! There we go. There we go! Oh, yeah, we're moving on. We're moving on! Okay. Oh, God! Oh, shit!
The Nerd: (Zelda II: The Adventure of Link) One of the big problems is that I can't either stop jumping or stop ducking. Alright, well, do I want to really bother to talk to him? Nah, not really. No, I don't! Come on, I really, I was, I'm serious. I really don't want to talk to you. Go, leave the f-- leave the fucking cabin, or house, or whatever the fuck it is. Come on, keep walking. Oh, there we go. I didn't really mean to go in there. Alright, leave. Leave the house, go left. Go left. Come on, go left. Augh, you f-- I'm in the house again. I don't wanna-- fuck! Get the fuck out of the house! Get up. Go away. Alright, left. Oh, there we-- Oh, Jesus Christ, why am I shooting the sword?
The Nerd: (R.C. Pro-Am) Alright! Here we go! We got this, man! We got this by the ass!
The Nerd: (Rad Racer) You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select," the game goes 3D. I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. It can't get any more rad than that.
The Nerd: (Top Gun) Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like puking on a pile of shit. (the Nerd gets to the dreaded landing sequence) Oh, my God, what the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. (The Nerd attempts to land the jet, in which he finally succeeds in landing it! He looks in awe and amazement!) (A montage begins accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" theme; there are shots of him playing with the Power Glove, putting games in the NES, putting the game codes in, hitting himself with the Power Glove and going hysterical, e.g., throwing a pen at the screen, a shot of the sensors and then a shot of him putting "Defender II" in and pushing it down with his middle finger.)
The Nerd: (Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!) Oh, Punch-Out!! Alright, well, I don't know how to fucking dodge. That's really a problem. Punching seems to work somewhat. Fuck! Oh, God-damn it. Oh, shit! I lost to Glass Joe. I lost... to Glass Joe.
The Nerd: (Contra) Try doing the Contra code with this fucking thing. I shoot by twitching my finger. Jump by clenching my fist. Yeah, there we go. There we go! Alright, come on, now. Oh, God, get him! Get him! Get him--! Ohh, fuck! You piece of shit! (Middle finger at Contra Game Over screen)
The Nerd: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fucking glove on my hand. I'm trying to play a fucking game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. (Pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.) Well, hey, let's end with the classic, Super Mario Bros.
The Nerd: Alright, Mario. You don't have to keep jumping. At least you made it over the Goomba. You were lucky, you fuck! Alright, what, come on, I can't get up on the pipe? I'm not even doing anything. I'm touching the fucking floor right now. I am touching the floor. And I can't get him to stop jumping. Get over the pipe, you fucking asshole! Oh, I can't get over the pipe. Oh, this-- oh, yeah-- ohh! Fuck. Come on- oh, yeah! Oh, no! Come on, come on! Oh, shit! Oh, you fuck!
The Nerd: Now, you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fucking shit! You're better off fucking shit than fucking with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fucking shitty this fucking shit is. It's so bad, it sucks! It's so fucking suck it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore. (holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" Game Over Theme)