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Title card

("Dramatic Accent 01" from iLife Sound Effects plays during the title card.)

(Shots of The Nerd's game area, accompanied by "Suspense Accent 03", also from the iLife Sound Effects library, playing three times.)

The Nerd: Oh, God... Oh, God! Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie that's ASS and you make it into a game? You get a piece of shit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But, if you get a piece of shit, you don't want that! And this, of course, is Independence Day for the PlayStation. I don't even want to talk about this. It's making me sick. MAKING ME SICK!

The Nerd: The first thing that sucks is just, well... look at it! How many times have you played a game where you're flying around shooting at things? It's okay. But, that's the problem. It's so okay that it's not even worth... existing! It's so bland and mediocre that it's hard to even come up with legitimate complaints. But, don't worry. We're going to rip into it. So, this is the first stage: the Grand Canyon. The object is to take out four main generators on this alien spaceship. And if you forget, this annoying voice keeps reminding you. (Take out the generators to attack the destroyer!) There's one right here! Shoot, shoot, shoot, sh- FUCK! It usually takes a few passes to destroy it. You think that you could just turn around and hit it some more, but no! It just disappears. You're never able to spot it from a distance and use enough of your firepower to take out because the damn things just pop up when you're too close to be ready. I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fucking face. What the ass is that all about? To describe this game's ass-ness, all I can say is it's very ass. Where are those fucking generators? Look! I'm going around three-sixty and I can't find them! (yells) WHERE ARE THEY, GODDAMN IT?! Oh, there's one! FUCK! (Take out the generators to attack-) I wish that voice would just shut the hell up! It keeps telling me to take out the generators, as if I'm not fucking trying! The radar doesn't do diddly-dick. It's too small, makes no fucking sense, and I don't like it. Trying to hit anything with bullets is impossible. Only the missiles seem to be effective. The control sucks monkey balls. If you go anywhere near the ground, you're going to hit it. Alright, so I'm going to get this power-up down here. What, did I- I just fly over it? Okay, we're going to get this next one, whatever it is. Oh, you motherfucker! You can't fuck around too much with this game because there's a time limit. And, when the time's up, the alien ship just blows up everything. If you make your goals, you get to attack the ship, and then you get to advance to the next level. Then, you got Washington, D.C., which looks like shit. Your object here is to defend the E-3. What's the E-3? Where is it? How do I defend it? I don't know. So, fuck it. Want to see more of the game? Just use a password. Ugh. (He slowly scrolls through each letter to enter the password.) Oh, God! Oh, why is it so slow? WHY IS IT SO ASS?!

Alright, so, not to name all the stages, but you got Las Vegas, Moscow, New York City, Paris, and the mothership. All I can say is: they all suck, and it's all just the same.

The Nerd: The worst thing about this is that is makes me feel really guilty to be playing it, like I should be doing something better with my time. Like roll a dog turd in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta- I gotta go out somewhere and do something wild! Like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

The Nerd: You know, I played a lotta shit in my day, but this game is... fuck! The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of something similar. Something from the past. Top Gun on the NES. (Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.) While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than Independence Day. In fact, just thinking about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log coming out of a buffalo's asshole and landing in a bowl of M&Ms. This was a game based off a crappy 80's movie. But here, we got a game based off a crappy 90's movie. Top Gun may be a piece of shit, but at least has a nostalgia factor to it. It's a piece of shit I might have some affection for.

The Nerd: Video games have come a long way. And this one happens to be middle-of-the-road. PlayStation, a lot of people feel, was the last of the classic game consoles. Personally, I think it was all over after Super Nintendo.

The Nerd: Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and, most important, you celebrate your independence not to play shitty fucking games.

(The Nerd tosses game disc and passes up the Sears Tower, Mount Rushmore, the Hollywood sign, Hawaii, the West Pacific, a Japanese shrine, the Great Wall, the Taj Mahal, the Coliseum, the Eiffel Tower, Stonehenge, the West Atlantic, New York City, and finally back to his house where it explodes into fireworks, covering the screen, then a caption appears saying "EAT AT JOE'S.")

Errors

  • The Nerd thought Independence Day was completely awful. He made a mistake. Independence Day was a movie which 75% of the audience liked and 61% of the critics liked, according to Rotten Tomatoes. Also, for Top Gun, 55% of the critics liked it, and 83% of the audience liked it, also according to Rotten Tomatoes.

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