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Halloween

(Parody of "Halloween" opening before we see Nerd by his game collection)

The Nerd: Well, it's Halloween. And, I gotta go baby-sit. Yeah, of all things, I gotta go watch some little shitheads for the night. But, for the meantime, I'll show you a perfect example of a great movie turned into a real shitbomb.

The Nerd: The first thing that bothers me is the actual manual. Halloween, Halloween. Just in case we didn't see it the first time. And, it says, "A homicidal maniac has escaped from a mental institution." You mean Michael Myers? "You control the babysitter character." You mean Laurie Strode? I guess they had some kind of copyright problem.

The Nerd: Now, exhibit B. What is this? Is this a bootleg? You think, right? But, no. This is the real game. They actually sold this. Now, not every cartridge of Halloween was like this. But, as Wizard Video Games was liquidating their inventory, they started doing this to minimize costs. Have you ever heard of a video game company that was cheap enough to just use a marker and write the name of the game on it?

The Nerd: At least it's orange to kinda keep with the Halloween theme. You pop this fucker in, you start it up, and there you go. That's Halloween on the Atari 2600.

The Nerd: You play as the babysitter, which we already established. We assume it's Laurie Strode. That's Jamie Lee Curtis from the movie. But, whatever. All we know is that you're trying to get away from Michael Myers and save all these kids that you're babysitting. Coming off the Texas Chainsaw Massacre game, you might be disappointed that you don't play as the killer this time and that makes the game even more boring.

The Nerd: As far as the graphics go, it's pretty fair for 1983, but what kind of house is this that you're babysitting? There's no furniture whatsoever, the carpet's puke green and shit brown, the walls go from blue to hot pink, purple, green, and peach. Who the fuck decorated this place? Some retarded Atari rejects?

The Nerd: So, the idea of the game is that you're running around through this house, babysitting an infinite number of kids, and, every now and then, Michael Myers comes out jabbing his knife in a sort of robotic kind of way.

The Nerd: Like in the movies, he's real slow, so, if you use any common sense, you're not going to get killed. But, he can also kill the kids. If he kills you, you lose a life, indicated by the jack-o-lanterns on top of the screen. And, if he kills the kids, nothing really seems to happen, but the goal is to get the kids and lead them to either corner of the house, whether it's the far left or far right. Now, I don't know how the Hell these rooms are supposed to be safe. It's not like you lock them in. There isn't even a door, so I guess Michael Myers just doesn't like to go in those last rooms. And, each time you deliver a kid, you get 675 points. Why that number, I don't know.

The Nerd: Now, I didn't really count, but there's something like eight rooms. And, you could also go on the top floor, but apparently this floor has really bad electrical problems because it keeps going dark, which is really fucking annoying. Hate this shit.

The Nerd: You know, all these colored rooms kinda remind me of the Poe Story, Mask of the Red Death. But anyway, you're just grabbing kids, bringing them to the rooms, and you could find this black sword or something. I don't know, maybe it's like a nightstick or a billy club. I suggest that it's a knife, but it's almost as big as her body, so, your guess is as good as mine. It could be a big black dildo for all I care. So anyway, you grab this thing which magically turns into a tiny green thing. Why the hell does it change completely change in shape and color when you're holding it?

The Nerd: But, moving on, Michael Myers shows up and you can attack him with it other just hold it out and he'll walk into it on his own, then he runs away and I'm just chasing him because I just feel like it. You know...I just realized, she's actually taller than him. And, if you count that red blob of a skirt, she's wider, too. That's a real threatening killer.

The Nerd: So, of course I gotta mention the Halloween music that plays every time when Michael Myers in on the screen. It's cool to hear it for the first time in all its Atari glory, but can't it fucking stop? After a while, it's like, piercing your brain.

The Nerd: So, that's about it. All I got left to show you is what happens when you die. It's fucking hilarious. Your head disappears and you're running around spurting pixelated blood out your neck. What you are looking at maybe the first head decapitation ever in a video game. It's by far the most amusing part of the game, and after only a few minutes, you'll find yourself doing this deliberately.

The Nerd: Come on, kill the kid! Kill the kid! Yeah! Get him! Get him! Alright, now, get me. Get me!

The Nerd: Alright, now. That's enough. You know, it's all coming back to me now. I remember once long ago, I had this game in my possession. I just remember seeing this... blank cartridge for a pale, lifeless, emotionless game with the dullest graphics, the most awful gameplay.

The Nerd: I spent 8 years trying to figure it out...and another 7 trying to keep it locked in my closet because...I knew what was living behind that game... was simply evil. (Knock at door)

Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: TRICK OR TREAT!

The Nerd: Oh, oh, you want some trick or treat? Okay, here's some trick or treat for ya. (Takes bag and shits in it, then gives it to kids)

Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: EEEEWWWWWWWW!

The Nerd: There-there you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for you.

Swamp Thing: That's not chocolate. That's.. poop.

The Nerd: It's not chocolate nor is it poop. IT'S SHIT!

Optimus Prime: Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

Swamp Thing: Yeah, I want some candy!

The Nerd: Oh, yeah. (puts game back in box then opens door again.) Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! (Gives it to Optimus Prime)

Optimus Prime: What the heck is this?

The Nerd: It's an Atari game.

Swamp Thing: What the heck is an Atari, you dope?

The Nerd: Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.

Swamp Thing: First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.

The Nerd: (Gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime) There you go. Have fun.

Optimus Prime: Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

The Nerd: (Closes door)

The Nerd: Well, now that I've got that piece of shit off my hands, how 'bout we check out a couple more? I mean, I've got a little extra time before I got to go baby-sit. And, after all, it is Halloween. So, how about a bonus? BOO! Haunted House.

The Nerd: Well, it's pretty scary. Yeah, what the fuck is this shit? I'm a pair of eyes going around. Oh, God! BOOM! Well, anyway, I'm guessing that you're not really a pair of eyes, but it's just common fact that in the dark, the only thing you can see are someone's eyes.

(The lights darken and all we see is the Nerd's eyes. Back to gameplay, the eyes are suddenly in an orange ball looking like Meatwad)

The Nerd: Wait a minute. It's Meatwad!

(an image of Meatwad appears)

The Nerd: Yeah! It's fucking Meatwad!

The Nerd: Now, I believe you're supposed to be lighting a match here, but this aura of light that surrounds you makes me imagine that there's some sort of body attached to these eyeballs. Now, while this match doesn't help to see the rest of your body, whatever it's supposed to look like, it actually helps you find items and the goal is to collect pieces of an urn.

(the character goes back to where it started and music similar to the Twilight Zone comes on)

The Nerd: Ooooh, so now it's the Twilight Zone.

The Nerd: Well, you go around, watching out for ghosts, bats, and spiders. It couldn't possibly be any more cliché. OOOOOHHHH! Blown up by the ghost!

The Nerd: As the levels progress, you can't see the walls. The game's gotten even darker. That's right, it's gotten darker than dark. The graphics were pretty boring beforehand, but now, there's hardly a damn thing on the screen but black. Gee, this is fun.

(The Nerd takes game out)

The Nerd: Well, we might have time for one more. Let's see.

(He is almost about to pick E.T., but doesn't. Michael Myers in outside, watching his every move.)

The Nerd: How about Frankenstein's Monster? It's alive! IT'S ALIVE! How 'bout, "It's ass! IT'S ASS!"?

The Nerd: Actually, it's pretty stunning. I mean, as far as graphics go, there's a lot going on. The platforms sort of have a gradient shadow effect and it's just got a really busy environment for an Atari and especially looking at Haunted House.

The Nerd: Well, that's the Frankenstein monster. Why is he white? Well, with every bolt of lightning, he becomes more and more green. And, when he becomes all green, he comes alive. Whether he comes alive or you die, that's when the game ends.

The Nerd: Now, your only enemies seem to be this little blue ghost and spiders, and I'm fine with that, I guess. Don't really expect much, but who the Hell are you supposed to be? Just this regular guy in a baseball cap?

The Nerd: Well, anyway, nothing in this game seems to kill you, except for the water. You fall in the water, you die. You get touched by anything else, it freezes you for a second. So, the goal is to keep collecting these blocks to build a wall and trap the monster.

The Nerd: So, you get the block, then you go back up to where you started, and then, oh, fuck! What the shit is this?! Look at all these Goddamn bats! What the Hell's going on?! Never have I had to dodge such a relentless onslaught of vampire bats. Have mercy.

The Nerd: So, then you just keep going back and forth, getting that block over and over again. Now, one thing that kinda bothers me is this area up to the left. You can't even go there! You can't pass through this green shit, and you might think you can exit one side of the screen and come out the other like in many games, but no. That doesn't happen here. So, this spot, as far as I know, is just a waste. But the worst thing is the jump precision.

The Nerd: Here we go. Jump! Alright, now jump! AH, FUCK!

(Frankenstein Monster comes alive, but gets bigger and bigger until it breaks the fourth wall and comes out of the TV.)

The Nerd: OH, GOD!

(Frankenstein Monster comes near him, but the Nerd quickly responds by shooting it with a Super Scope.)

(BOOOOOOOM!)

The Nerd: Well, now that's my cue to get the fuck out of here and go baby-sit.

(The Nerd goes to house, but has no idea that Michael Myers is following him every step of the way. He enters, and to his shock, Swamp Thing and Optimus Prime are the ones that he will baby-sit for the night.)

The Nerd: Alright, you little bastards. (Shocked) Oh, no. NO.

Swamp Thing: Look! It's the Poopy Man!

The Nerd: No, no, no! The Poopy Man's more like the Boogeyman and he's going to get you if you don't turn off this game!

Swamp Thing: Play the game, nerd!

The Nerd: I've played the game enough tonight!

Swamp Thing: Play the game!

The Nerd: NO!

(Both chant "PLAY THE GAME!" until the Nerd gives in.)

The Nerd: Alright, I'll play the game! (gets hit by toy)

Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Both: You suck! You suck! And you smell like poop! You stink!

(Notices Myers)

Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Shut up! You suck! You suck! Hahahahaha! You stink! You stink!

The Nerd: (Continues to get hit) SHUT UUUUUUUUUP!

(Lights go out, kids scream hysterically)

The Nerd: Alright! Alright! Stop! Stop! It's okay. It's okay. You got a basement?

Swamp Thing: Yeah.

The Nerd: A circuit breaker?

Swamp Thing: Yeah.

The Nerd: Okay, alright, then.

(He goes below towards the circuit breaker. On his way there, he notices the bag of shit. When he arrives, he fixes breaker, then notices Michael Myers just as the Halloween theme plays. He runs away from him, then grabs the bag then breaks shit over his head, but after just a slight pause to wipe it off, Michael continues on. The Nerd goes to stairs, but Swamp Thing stands in the way.)

Swamp Thing: Use these, Nerd.

(Swamp Thing throws two wireless Atari 2600 controllers, which he uses to poke Michael's eyeballs out and to make him drop the knife.)

The Nerd: Got 'im!

(The Nerd goes back to living room, with the power back on, everything's fine, but Michael Myers comes back and almost fatally chokes Nerd to death, but notices the game, so he plays game for a few minutes, but quickly grows tired of it, opting to kill the Nerd instead until the kids come to his rescue.)

Optimus Prime: One shall stand! One shall fall!

(Kids begin to beat Michael Myers with boxing gloves. He later is knocked out unconscious.)

(The Nerd gives nods of approval)

Swamp Thing: Was that the poopy man?

The Nerd: Yeah. I think it was.

(He notices he disappeared, accompanied by the Halloween Ending Theme, going out the outside door, then runs outside and finds a neighbor.)

The Nerd: Hey! Call the police! Tell the sheriff! He's on the loose!

Neighbor: Is this some kind of a joke? I've been trick-or-treated like shit tonight!

The Nerd: (shakes his head in disapproval.) You don't know what shit is.

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