The Nerd: Well, Friday the 13th on Nintendo. What can you say? The knife going into the eye in the beginning right away should be an indication of how cool it is. This game is infamous for being... great, right? I mean, everybody just loves this game because it's awesome. I mean, the concept is just brilliant. Adapting a series of R-rated slasher movies for all the kiddies to play? Great idea.
The Nerd: There's six camp counselors you can play as, whether they're characters from the movie or not. I don't care, because it's a good game. Going around throwing rocks at zombies, collecting lighters, running around trying to find fireplaces to light, what more can you ask for? Oh, and every great game has a map screen. And being that most of the game is side-scrolling, you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be going, but, but, that's cool. It's cool. It makes it more challenging. I like that. Like when you're walking left, but you're really headed right on the map, I love figuring that shit out. I love it. It's just great.
(Checks around room for about 10 seconds, then he shows a sort-of-pissed-off face)
The Nerd: LIKE PUKE UP A DONKEY'S ASS! WHAT A SHITLOAD OF MOTHERFUCKING BULLFUCK! I mean, I'd rather eat snot and diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's dick, and if you thought I was serious about this game--
(Jason Voorhees comes out with the Nerd in a choke hold, ready to slice his head off with a machete.)
The Nerd: (terrified) Agh! Ju-- You're absolutely right, because I was just kidding. I was just kidding, I swear! I swear to God, I was just kidding, I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck. It's NOT a shitload of fuck. (Jason eases off and starts to slowly walk away; the Nerd looks amazed, sighs)
The Nerd: (sarcastically) I love this game. Love the way the stones keep missing the zombies because they go in this nice arc that flies over 'em. Fantastic. Gotta get the knife, it's mandatory.
(8-bit alarm sound goes off)
The Nerd: Hear that sound? That's the Jason Alarm. When you hear that, you have to switch to the map screen and see which cabin's blinking. See right there? (highlights spot) That's where I am. And over there, that blinking cabin way over there? (highlights cabin) That's where I'm supposed to go to fight Jason. And I have a time limit, so I need to get all the way over there as fast as I can, or else Jason kills one of the camp counselors.
The Nerd: So which way do I walk? I guess left, because it's left on the map screen. Sounds self-explanatory. So here I am, just following the Yellow Brick Road. (The "Follow The Yellow Brick Road" song from "The Wizard of Oz" plays) 'Cause that's what it looks like, right? In the Scarecrow scene? But that's okay, because this game kicks ass.
The Nerd: (opens map screen, and he realizes that he's been going the wrong way) Oh, fuck! Look at the map. I've been walking in the wrong fucking direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great. It's because this game is free from all logic. Logic is for pussies! So I finally get to the cabin, I walk in, and that mannequin counselor says: "THANK YOU!" Thanks for... walking into the cabin? I didn't fight Jason yet, but you're welcome. He's around somewhere. (walks around in cabin) Oh, yeah, he's coming. Uh-oh, he's coming.
(In-game Jason pops out of nowhere, frightening the Nerd)
The Nerd: WHOA! Well, he scared the SHIT outta of me and now he's fighting me like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (defeats Jason)
Jason: YOU WIN... FOR NOW.
The Nerd: So I beat him, but he'll be back many times. Just like in the movies. Even after they called Part IV The Final Chapter. And then they went on to make it all the way up to number ten, known as Jason X, where he's in outer space. (shows scenes from respective movies) But that's another story.
The Nerd: So, for now, I go back to walking around, looking for cabins with fireplaces. Wasn't this a great idea? Isn't this fun? They go in 3D for the cabin parts. I love how smooth the camera angles are. The overall design, the AstroTurf floors, just ingenious. The control's so fluent, you just might have to tap the D-Pad twice to get it to move. Isn't this fun? I just love trying to find the door because there's nothing in here, and now I just want to get the fuck out. Just want to get the fuck out. (Whispers) Get the fuck out. (Looks around room again, whispers again) Because it sucks. (The Nerd turns game off, looks around trying to find Jason, who is found) Shit. (Tries to get out) Damn it! Goddamn it! Open, you piece of shit! Son of a fuck!
The Nerd: Oh shit. (Jason has him pinned) Don't kill me. (Jason shows the Nerd the game cartridge, apparently wanting him to play again, as if saying: "I won't kill you if you play this game." The Nerd looks at cartridge) Kill me.
(Now, while the Nerd is playing, Jason is watching over him. The Nerd looks at Jason, who points at the TV with his machete.)
The Nerd: So I'm walkin' around, looking for fireplaces, answering to the Jason Alarm every once in a while. And along the way, I continue to collect lighters, keys, weird bottles, and because that rock is as useless as a wad of paper, upgrading to the knife is essential. I go into the cabin, and right away there's another mannequin camp counselor. (zooms in onto counselor) I love how they have no face. It's real creative.
The Nerd: I love all those options on the right. (camera pans to options) Most of which can be condensed into the simple use of the A button. But, this game just over-complicates things because it's so good. So let's try "CHANGE."
(player character changes)
The Nerd: Alright, we switch camp counselors. So now my character's slower, I don't have any of my items anymore, (cut to close-up on the Nerd's face), and I'm back to using the FUCKING ROCK AGAIN. That really accomplished a lot! The day-to-night transitions are nice and smooth. I mean, seriously, it's a big improvement over Simon's Quest, where a fucking box appears and it interrupts the gameplay. (shows gameplay from "Simon's Quest" of the "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE" dialogue box appearing)
The Nerd: No need for it, but Friday the 13th doesn't have that problem, proving that day-to-night transitions can work when done right. Jason comes out once in a while to scare the shit out of me. (zooms in on Jason's sprite) And he looks pretty good in purple, doesn't he? That's a good color for him. You know that Jason couldn't have been the only enemy in the game. It's interesting to see the use of zombies, birds, and even wolves added to the mix. Even Jason's mom makes an appearance. Do you know who she reminds me of? Those annoying fucking Medusas from Simon's Quest. Oh wait, I'm talking about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game, too? So anyway, let's get back to Friday the 13th. (character gets killed) So I'm dead. So once all six camp counselors are gone, the game's over.
(Screen reads "YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD. GAME OVER.")
The Nerd: That's ingenious. That's the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? (looks at Jason) "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it. Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids?! Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they turn into an item and, like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: "You're fucking dead. And your friends, too." Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say something even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say: "You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fucking pets are being skinned alive. Your mom's a fucking whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're going to Hell. Live with it. Game Over."
The Nerd: So that's it. (the Nerd turns game off, and then Jason chokes him, turns on the TV again, tosses controller at him. Using his machete, he points to the "PUSH START BUTTON" message. The camera pans to the Nerd, shaking his head) I don't know what else to say. The music? Just listen. (the overworld music plays, cuts to his face, with a pissed-off open-mouthed expression) It's fuckin' great. And even better, it loops over and over, so you get to hear the same thing constantly. Just wonderful. I love those scary, faceless kids in the cabin. Makes me have nightmares. As if the map screen isn't confusing enough, when you go into the cave or woods, you have no idea where you are. When up stand on a path, you press up, and then the screen changes. You have no idea where you are because the graphics are so repetitive.
(At this point, Jason is beginning to get mad)
The Nerd: Every goddamn screen looks the same. I can't tell where I am, or where I'm going with this shit! And the cabins? Just fucking horrible! (Jason is getting furious) I can't find the fucking fireplaces, I get lost once I'm inside, I can't simply turn around and see the door. The control's so fucking awkward. I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronic wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea! I'd rather fucking eat my fucking balls off and puke 'em up my fucking ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick!
(Jason is raising his machete to kill the Nerd.)
The Nerd: The music is fucking worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down, except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, (camera cuts to the Nerd's mouth using X-rated dialogue) and it can KISS MY FUCKING ASSHOLE! (Throws controller at Jason, hitting him, making him fall down in slow motion, dropping his machete, then begins to attack him) DIE! DIE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! UGH! HUUUURGH!
The Nerd: (Takes out grey and silver NES Zapper from 1985 out of his pocket) You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that FUCKING GAME, YOU NO-GOOD, PIECE OF-! (BANG! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head, blowing his head off, leaving a puddle of blood. Cuts to the Nerd in another room)
The Nerd: This game... IS FUCKING HORRIBLE! (Throws game against a wall, then drinks a lot of Rolling Rock) (The Nerd is asleep on couch, with a bottle of tequila and a few empty bottles of beer. Freddy Krueger's clawed glove, accompanied by the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" theme music, comes up from behind the couch just as the Nerd wakes up and notices it. Caption reads, "To Be Continued...", then the credits roll.)