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Transcript of AVGN episode Fester's Quest

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(Parody of "Addams Family" opening, with da-dums and finger snapping, then at the very end, both change to fart sounds and middle fingers)

Fester: Were you expecting, uh, maybe, uh, the Ninja Turtles?! (in response, the Addams Family laughs, except Lurch)

Fester: Well, we're going to play some Fester's Quest. And this is going to get ugly. So there's Uncle Fucking Fester, minding his own business, sitting outside. Then aliens come down, and, well, that's the plot of the game. Fester's gotta save the world from aliens. If it happened to the Simpsons, why not the Addams Family? Makes as much sense as Tim Allen fighting dinosaurs. (He's referring to the "Home Improvement" video game.)

Fester: Yeah. So, anyway, I'm just shooting these purple jellyfish things on the ground. What's the point? They don't hurt you unless you deliberately walk into them. And why's part of my body disappearing? Anyway, they leave behind items, but why couldn't they just have the items lying on the ground rather than just having to blast your way through this shit? Sometimes, there's a bunch of them, like stacked together in one spot. It takes fucking forever and it makes my fingers tired. It's just another gimmick to make you buy a turbo controller. So, I just picked up a better gun, does a little more damage to the enemies, but it seems to dodge your targets. It just goes back and forth. And if it touches anything, it stops! And look at this! I just want to shoot this fuckface! Goddamn!

Fester: Oh, and these sewer parts, this is the part where the game really starts to take it in the fucking ass. It basically makes your gun useless. And these green blob things, fuck 'em to Hell! Instead of conveniently dying when you shoot them, they just multiply. Come on, you fucking pieces of shit! What the hell I'd do? I got my old gun back? It's nice that it shoots straight, but it's not going to help with killing these things. Switching back to the old gun would actually be a nice feature, but not when you accidentally step on an item that downgrades your weapon. Come on! Die! DIE! Jesus! They just keep multiplying! Without the dynamite, there's no way to get through these things. I have to keep walking back. And let's not forget one thing. Look at your health bar. That's full life! I'm not kidding. Some life bar, right? If you get hit twice, you're dead. Come on, you fucking pieces of shit! They're still multiplying! They don't die. They don't die. Die, you fucking frogs! Geez, can Fester move any slower? Oh, yes, he can! If he gets hit by frog spit, that is. Oh, shit! Come on, oh, no! Oh, Jesus Christ! YOU FUCKERS!

Fester: Might as well continue. What? Continue, my ass! This doesn't look like continuing! You got the same weapon and items, though. Whoopidy-fucking-doo! But you start back at the beginning of the game! I can't cross where the hole is, which means I gotta go all the way back through the sewers all over again and deal with those green blobs again.

Fester: GODDAMN!

Wednesday: This game better stop SUCKING ASS or else I'm going to have give it the finger. The middle finger. (Flashes middle finger)

Fester: Hate these frogs. This gun is useless! It just circles around everything. Look at that! It went completely around that frog and it didn't even hit him! I can't even shoot because the house and trees are in the way. I can't use the gun. I am so fucking dead! So fucking dead! Oh, my god! If I could just get past this one gu- SHIT!!! Alright, let's try it again, this time with dynamite. Sucks that you have to waste this shit. But, it'll have to do. Oh, when are they going to stop? When are they going to stop? When are they fucking going to stop? Oh, my god! Oh, fuck! Come on! Alright, oh, shit! TWO MORE?! Where'd they come from?! What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Jesus! Holy shit! Well, I'm back at the beginning, again. Oh, why'd you have to do that? I downgraded the gun again!

Gomez: I think it's a shitload of fuck!

Fester: I think you better shut your ass.

Fester: JESUS CHRIST! God! Come on! I just want to get down there! Geez, is there enough fucking frogs? Look! I downgraded the gun again! Alright, I'm going to go in that house over there. If I could fucking make it! Alright, now, we're going to use a key to open the door. (Enters a 3D maze) Oh, nice. Beautiful. It's one of those half-assed first-person sort of deals. In the 8-bit era, it was kind of cool to see anything that looked three-dimensional, but it's a fucking pile of steaming goat shit! There's a door. Is it the one I came in? Well, let's see. Oh, it is. But for whatever reason, it takes you to the back. You want to go back in. (He can't) You're kidding me. You gotta use another key? What, does the door eat the key or something?

Fester: These mazes are such fucking shit. I don't know where I'm going. Couldn't they have made any parts of it look different or decorate the walls, have something to help identify where you are? Wait... what's the point of this, anyway? Are there enemies to fight? No! Is there a time limit? No! Are there any items to get? No, except I've come across one power-up. But, really, is there any good reason to have this maze thing? It sucks anus!

Fester: Then you come up to this crazy alien guy. He's actually not that hard, 'cause there's plenty of room to fight him, for one thing. But he sure takes a lot of hits! Well, I beat the game.

Fester: That's the last guy. It's over.

Wednesday: That's just the first boss.

Fester: It's the last guy!

Gomez: It's not.

Fester: I know. But let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

(Gomez takes the game out, puts it on model train tracks, and starts up a Lionel miniature train. Eventually, the train hits the game, making a big explosion, derailing the train and damaging everything around it. Afterwards, Gomez puffs a cigar after destroying "Fester's Quest.")

Fester: Well, we might have cleaned our hands of that monstrosity, but there's a ton of other Addams Family-related games and I'm willing to bet that many of them suck just as hard. Here's one I happen to have, which I'm going to throw in here as a bonus. The Addams Family on the Sega Genesis.

Fester: So you play as Gomez, just walking around, regular sidescroller - oh, shit! It's a ghost! Oh my fucking God! Then, there's like, monster broccoli, zombies, monkeys in spinning teacups, and a ton of weird, unnamable things. So, you're just going around, jumping on things, collecting dollar symbols. Then there's a letter A. I really don't know what it does.

Gomez: The game's not too hard, but it's easy to die, if that makes any sense. And this is due to two fatal flaws.

Fester: One, the control is too sensitive. You just slide all over the place. And the other thing is that you have to be completely accurate to jump on your enemies. Look at this! I jump on both these guys, one of them dies, and the other one kills me. Like in Fester's Quest, at the start of the game, you only have two units of life. So, if you're like me, you're going to die and die and die and DIE!

Gomez: Alright, let's try harder. No fucking around!

Fester: Watch out for the penguins! Alright, we're gonna- yep! Here we go! Yep, just keep on jumping! I don't even care if I kill them, I just want to get through them. Here we go! Oh, oh! Oooh, I got lucky there, I think. Alright, just keep jumping the pen- oh! But I jumped on him! What? Are you kidding me? (cut to a split-screen shot of two different levels) Man, fuck this game. This game is ASS. (the camera zooms in on a letter "A" block and two "$" power-ups, and freeze-frames, spelling "A$$")

(Kyle Justin, dressed as Cousin Itt, sings "Addams Family" parody theme, with game screen shots accompanying it.)

Kyle: It's crappy and it's kooky!

A stupid piece of poopy!

I'd rather eat my dookie!

It makes me wanna pee!

Sucking some ass (Fuck!)

Sucking some balls (FUCK!)

Sucking some balls, sucking some balls, sucking some ass! (FUCK!)

Makes me wanna see a assload of diarrhea.

It's worse than gonorrhea.

I'm gonna take that pee!

(Wednesday lifts up skirt and takes a piss on the Genesis game)

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