(Episode begins with the Nerd, facepalming at his computer. He lets out a sigh.)
"Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" may be a pretty bad game, but, it is GOD compared to "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".
Th-that game, is just the epitome of bad. I mean, I know you've played a lot of bad games before, but, no, lemme tell you... that game is bad.
(The Nerd drinks his Rolling Rock.)
I mean, it's like, "Castlevania II", you expect it to be, like, no, it's like, you expect it to be good because it's one of the "Castlevania" games. It's the sequel, but, it's such a disappointment because, it's such a big fuckin' piece of shit, but, "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" and a lot of other Nintendo games there isn't any expectations, there's no disappointments to be had because they're just, you know, rare, obscure games like, y'know, "McKids" or uh, "Taxman" [He meant to say "Wall Street Kid"] or whatever? But, "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", as rare and obscure as it is, you play it once and you're haunted for life. I mean, I'm traumatized after playing it. I can't believe how bad it is. I mean, it's BAD. Like, that's why I'm coming in front of the camera right now; To show you, with my own face, how fuckin' bad it is. I mean... "Simon's Quest", you heard the sincerity in my voice? Well, now, see the sincerity in my eyes. This game is fuckin' HORRIBLE! It's fuckin' horrible.
(The Nerd drinks his Rolling Rock again.)
I mean, i-it's like... like, "PONG" is better, and "Pong" is only like, three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger, like electronic wrist games, those are better than "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde". It makes no fuckin' sense. It's like, what were they thinking? Like, I seriously can't believe how bad that fuckin' game is. It's so bad, that I'm not even gonna show it to you, because... it's just...
(The Nerd sighs and drinks more Rolling Rock.)
I mean... maybe, you need some kinda proof. Maybe I should show you some clips from the game. It's gonna be really hard though... Just, I just don't wanna play it right now, (starts to grin and chuckle a little) I really don't wanna play it. I don't, I don't even want to, look at the, fuckin' box that encases that piece of shit... that game's fuckin' bad.
(The Nerd drinks his Rolling Rock again.)
(Whispers) It's fuckin' horrible. I'm gonna show it to you, though. Just to prove how bad it is, but, I warn you... here it goes.
(The Nerd shows the cartridge.)
Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. Who the hell would spend this much fuckin' money on this game? [Referring to the 89¢ price tag on the cartridge]
(An angled shot of a television set is shown, with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde being played on it.)
This is so not worth the time. All right, first of all, who are these people tryin' to kill ya? Why do you walk so slow? And the staff doesn't do anything. Look at this, I'm gonna try to kill somebody and it's not gonna work. See that? It's like, they give you a weapon, and then, it doesn't do anything. I mean, imagine if in "Zelda", imagine if Link couldn't use his sword. And THEN, look, then, you die... and then you turn into Mr. Hyde, I guess, you walk around, punchin' people and throwin' shit, and then, for no reason you just DIE. Lightning will strike, like, real spontaneous, then, you're dead... and then, the game's over. What the fuck is THAT shit?!
Okay. You've seen the game... now, that should satisfy all your curiosity. If you are curious enough to play it, just do yourself a favor and don't. I mean, if you're like a hardcore Nintendo fan as I am, and you have to have every single game in your collection, please do yourself an enormous favor and just stay the fuck away from this awful piece of shit.
(Yet again, the Nerd drinks his Rolling Rock)
I mean, don't even buy it, like, used for like a penny or whatever... I mean, that shiny gold copper will be worth a fortune someday compared to this awful pile of steaming goat shit. I mean, don't even download it. Like, no matter how curious you are, just do yourself a favor and never play it, because, you will be wishing for the rest of your life that you could invent a time machine and go back to the day you played that game and just fuckin' kill yourself. I mean, if you ever find that game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is like, is so small, it's invisible. I mean, you'd rather super glue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather -- You know -- The-the thing is --
(The Nerd takes one more swig of Rolling Rock.)
You'd think I'm jokin', like I'm trying to be funny or somethin'. But, no, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fuckin' horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious.
(An extreme close-up of the Nerd's face is shown.)
DEAD. FUCKIN'. SERIOUS.
(The Nerd breaks into a grin just as the picture fades out.)