The Nerd: (looks at game cartridge for a few seconds, then he shakes his head in disgust and disbelief.) So I'm about to review Die Hard on Nintendo. But before I begin, I think I need to address the, kinda disturbing, maybe offensive nature of the, the front cover. (flashes front cover) What does this remind you of? (Front cover bears an eerie resemblance to the Twin Towers burning due to the 9/11/2001 terrorist attacks) It's kinda, you know, it's a little, uh, yeah... Uh, let's carry on.
The Nerd: So, is this game going to be good, or is it going to suck? Well, take a wild fucking guess! So this is the first enemy in the game, and I can't even get near him because he's shooting bullets all over the place and running away like an asshole! Come back here, you fucker! COME ON!!! Ah, missed!
The Nerd: Oh, now there's another guy already? God, I can't move! Now I'm out of bullets?! Are you for real?! If only I can get near him, I'm gonna punch the shit out of him! Come on! Ugh! Ugh! Come on! Ugh! Your mother! Come on! Come on! Fuck you up! Come on! You know, is his other arm paralyzed or something? What's going on? Well, come on, you motherfucker! Come on, I'm gonna fuck you up! Come on! YEAH! Got him. Now, how sad is this? I killed one guy in the game so far, and I'm almost dead. Now, once you're dead, the game's over and you start back at the beginning. But at least they got the goddamn courtesy to give you a life bar!
The Nerd: Anyway, let's take a look at the status screen so I could try my best to explain the object of this game. Well, you can see there's 39 crooks. I'm under the impression that there's 40 bad guys in the game and your goal is to hunt and kill all of them. And that's nearly impossible when one guy can take all your life. And that's kind of interesting. You usually don't get to know how many guys you're gonna kill. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. there's a counter telling you exactly how many Goombas and Koopa Troopas are in the entire game. Only difference: you don't have to kill 'em all.
The Nerd: Alright, so you got your life bar, which is self-explanatory. Then, you got a foot bar. Yeah, your feet have power, too, right? You can run by holding the B button, but that drains your foot power. Now let me ask a question. What's the difference between saving your foot power and using it to get your ass moving? Is it better to run and waste your foot power, or just walk slow and waste your fucking time? Also, if you walk over broken glass, that also drains your foot power. And I can see where they're going with this. In the movie Die Hard, John McClane's feet end up in pretty bad shape, and by the end of the movie he's limping. Now that's nice that they try to make it like the movie, but there's some times when you should do that, and some times when it's not necessary. That's like if in Lethal Weapon if you're going around eating dog biscuits for power-ups.
The Nerd: So let me finish up with all this shit. You got your weapons, the items you pick, and, I don't know, some map that doesn't make any sense, then you got some weird lock system. After a certain amount of time passes, one of the locks activates or whatever. And, when all these locks activate, I assume you're dead. Well, why not just have a clock with a simple time limit? I don't know.
The Nerd: So you can break glass, which is cool, but you can't walk over it without draining your foot power, so it's not cool. Then, you got outside windows, which you think would have some kind of purpose, but, no, you just jump out and die. What's the point? Why would you commit suicide unless you don't have a clue what you're doing? It's a beginner's trap.
The Nerd: Now what I really hate is this darkness thing. You can't see around any of the walls. Half the time, there's nothing going on, you're just walking around. And, he walks like there's something wrong with him. He's got, like, one leg. So, you're just going around, and then all of a sudden, you're dead. And, you don't even see it coming. You can't even scratch your head. You'll just be playing, and then all of a sudden, WHOA! You're dead.
The Nerd: The power-ups are soda cans. And the best part of the game is the vending machines, because you can just shoot the soda out of them, and you're gonna need it to stay alive. You can also find first-aid kits to heal some of your foot power, and you can pick up flash grenades, which are supposed to stun your enemies. But I've never once been able to hit anybody with one of these damn things, and besides, why would you want to stun them when you could just take them out with a bullet?
The Nerd: So there's a beginner and advanced mode, and, from what I've noticed, there's no difference except that the advanced mode starts you off at any random floor, whereas in the beginner mode, you always start at the 32nd floor. Now let's talk about the floors. It seems you could go to any floor you want, any time you want, that is between 31 and 35. You could use the elevators, the stairs, or even the air ducts. But, how do you know where you're supposed to go? I don't know. I just find guys and kill them. There's supposed to be hostages on the 30th floor, but for whatever reason you can't go there yet, so I'm guessing that happens at the end.
The Nerd: But, anyway, if you go up to the 35th floor, there's a guy who has a key to the roof, but finding him is a real bitch because he never wants to show up until you've already tried the locked door a million times. But, once you find him, you're obviously going to take a lot of bullets because there really isn't any way to dodge in this narrow hallway. Die! That's kinda weird; he's dead in the doorway. But, anyway, you take the key, you unlock the door, you go to the roof, and, well, this is the roof. Sometimes, when you get here, John McClane calls the cops, and sometimes, he doesn't. It's like in the movie, and I don't know if it's necessary or affects anything in the game, but it doesn't even seem like you have any control over it, so it really doesn't fucking matter.
The Nerd: Somewhere up here, there's a rope, which I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up the gym locker, or whatever it is, and then he says, "I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off. No thanks!" Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No! I'm not gonna do that"? Going back to Mario, again, what if Mario just said, "You know, I’m really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No thanks!"? This is ridiculous! I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
The Nerd: So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? "Take out the main computer"? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?" But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, "What the fuck?"
The Nerd: The graphics don't even make any sense. I don't even know what anything's supposed to be. What's this? What's that? Seriously, what the shit is this thing? WHAT THE SHIT IS IT?!
The Nerd: I just can't figure this out. This is like, one of those games that you need a manual or read somebody's walkthrough on the Internet, but when it gets to that, it's like, who cares? I'd rather have a mountain lion dump its ass all over my face. I'd rather unclog a shitty toilet with my bare hands.
The Nerd: You know, I'm not fucking around anymore. Forget trying to explain how this game works. Let's just fucking do it.
("Redrum" by Immediate Music plays)
The Nerd: Back here, you motherfucker! Get back here! Look at all these bullets! Fuck.
(Sweat drips ferociously from his face)
The Nerd: The control is so stiff. You could only shoot straight or at a 45° angle. There's guys around every corner, there’s guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!
(music changes to the "Backdraft" oil building music)
The Nerd: Damn! Fuck! Oh, you fucking bastard.
The Nerd: (roars) DIIIIIII--!
The Nerd: This game's being ass!
The Nerd: SHIT! Think, God-damn it! (rolls around in a police manner) Geronimo, motherfucker!
(3 loud explosions)
(The Nerd gives bloody middle finger, then heads towards the NES, takes game out forcefully.)
The Nerd: (imitating John McClane) YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER! (He tosses game, which erupts into a Hellish fireball that consumes the Nerd.)