Kyle Justin: (To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪
♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪
♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪
♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
♪ He hates the games that stink ♪
♪ He knows which games to break ♪
♪ He just might even hate them all ♪
♪ 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake! ♪
♪ You'd better watch out ♪
♪ Don't give these games a try ♪
♪ You better not play 'em ♪
♪ He's tellin' you why ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
The Nerd: I'm here to talk about a series of games based on stories from the Bible. All with weird, deformed cartridges made for Nintendo systems, but without any endorsement from Nintendo. And take this one, for example: Bible Adventures. Would you want to buy this? With its weird baby-blue cartridge? That's made by a Christian gaming company that makes unauthorized Nintendo games? Let's check it out.
The Nerd: Alright, 3 games in 1. You got Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. First let's do Noah's Ark.
(Begins to play "Noah's Ark")
The Nerd: Well, there's Noah. He moves pretty fast for an old guy. The object's to get the animals in the ark. (Noah picks up an animal) Holy shit! You just pick them up? Is that how Noah did it? He did it all by himself by picking the animals up and carrying them in the ark? Well, according to Bible Adventures, that's how it happened. So there's where you drop those fuckers off. You just bring them to the door, and let those bastards run in there. You get a checklist of all the animals you need, so it's pretty simple. Go find some more, bring them back. Fun, huh?
The Nerd: I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head. It doesn't even slow him down. How can such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit?! Let alone a horse and an ox? Or, fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen?! What the fucking shit?! Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts the Hulk to shame! And the poor creatures are so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away! Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris.
The Nerd: The only animals that have the balls to fight back are the pigs. (The pig refuses to be picked up) Stop it! Damn pig! I'm only taking you into the ark. There's gonna be a flood. What, do you want to die? Alright, that's it. You're gonna get it. So, what do you do? You grab that... whatever that is, and you knock that motherfucker out. (Noah throws the block at the pig, knocking it unconscious) Ughhhh! Take that, bitch! Now I gotcha. You're going in the ark, you fuck nut.
The Nerd: I hate those pigs. But I also hate the oxen. (Noah keeps dropping an ox) You drop them every time you jump, so you got to keep picking them back up again. The monkeys are also pretty damn annoying. Sometimes you just gotta keep chasing them around. What a sight. Look at it, an old man climbing a tree chasing monkeys. That's quite ridiculous. You fucking monkey, get back here! Now you're gonna get it. (Noah knocks the monkey out) Ughhhh! Take that, you monkey fuck! You're going in the ark.
The Nerd: Another thing that's really amazing about Noah is that he can run so fast, he can actually outrun the screen, which is really annoying because you can't see where you're going, so you have to stop to let the screen catch up. Another sign of a badly-designed game.
The Nerd: Now, it looks like we got all the animals, except the snakes. Now that's gotta be tricky, right? Grabbing them's out of the question, so let's pick up that... thing and try and knock them out. (Noah throws the block at a snake, knocking it off the tree trunk) Well, I can knock them out, but if I don't catch them, they're gone. I can't catch them, either. Shit! How do you get those damn snakes? Well, guess what? I was trying to get the wrong snakes, but how could you blame me? They're the first snakes you see in the game. Well, check this out. I go in this cave, and this is real frustrating because to climb the walls, you have to jump and hit the A button at the perfect time. Then, once you get to the top, there you go. There's your snakes. So, these are the real snakes you're supposed to get. Not the ones in the trees. They're only decoys. Challenge is one thing, but why does this game have to fucking trick me? So don't get the snakes that you first see when you're walking around, go take a wild guess. Climb through the cave until you find the real ones. Fuck this game.
The Nerd: Now you thought that was bad? A game where you collect a bunch of objects to bring back to the middle of the board? How could it get any worse? Just watch. Our next game is Baby Moses. Alright, well, the object of the game is to get to the end of the level, carrying baby Moses. Now, this is really annoying because while carrying him, there's no way to defend yourself from everything that's out to kill you, and I do mean everything. If the soldiers catch baby Moses, they throw him in the water. What assholes. And what's with this theme of carrying things? It's actually kind of a rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2. Even the graphics kinda remind me of it. Except for those chocolate cats. Speaking of carrying things, look at how many things she can stack. What kind of picture is this? Moses’ mom carrying baby Moses, carrying a block of cheese, carrying a guy carrying a spear? I'd never thought I'd see that.
The Nerd: Beware of the black spaces. If you jump through them, you fall in the water and die. (Baby Moses suddenly shoots up above the game) Whoa! Either that or it shoots baby Moses up in the sky. What's going on? T-this game sucks ass.
The Nerd: God, this is annoying! The only way to have any fun at all is to throw baby Moses in the water, and then go explore the level without him. This is a weird game. What other game could you say, “I just threw baby Moses in the water”. For some reason, I just can't stop saying “baby Moses”. Baby Moses, baby Moses. When you finish the level, it says, “Good work! But you forgot..." (slight chuckle) ..."baby Moses." I didn't forget him, I just didn't want him.
The Nerd: Well, there's only one shitty game left: David and Goliath. Well, you're going around, carrying sheep. Yeah, are you surprised? The object is to bring four sheep to this blinking arrow to advance to the next level. The originality just stuns me. And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your only infant child puking to death, that is choking on his own puke chunks. That's disgusting, I apologize.
The Nerd: Those sheep are a bitch to carry, especially if you're trying to get past the lion. That lion hates sheep and anybody who carries sheep. However, if you go past him without the sheep, he doesn't give a shit. I can even pick the lion up and it doesn't care. Sure, try that in real life. Pick up a lion and see what happens. And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. Yeah, right in the fucking nuts. You can even use an acorn to knock the lion out. Damn! I wouldn't want to get hit by one of those acorns.
The Nerd: Those lions are fucking wusses. (The lion appears to get hit by an acorn) What? What happened? Did you see that? That lion just fell flat on his ass. And he fell at the same time as the squirrel. So, who knocked them both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see the squirrel throw an acorn. It clobbers the lion. BAM! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws another acorn, which comes right back down, and BAM! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb shit.
The Nerd: Anyway, let's go get some sheep. I like the sheep sound effects. (BUHHHHRRRRR) Baaaaaaahhhhhh. (BUHHHRRRRR) Come on, you damn sheep. I'm not gonna hurt you. Sheepy, sheepy. (In higher-pitched tone) Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy. (normal voice) Fuck this. I feel like a stupid asshole going after all these sheep for no reason.
The Nerd: The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird shit. One minute it's sleeping, then it runs up and over the tree, and oh my God! (The squirrel seems to be climbing up the sky) Look at that! It's a flying squirrel. Or it's like climbing the sky. Where'd it go? Oh, there it is. Wow. They were on drugs when they made this game.
The Nerd: Later in the game, you get a weapon. Some kind of fireball or something, I don't know. But it sucks. It's just like the rock in Friday the 13th, it arcs over everybody you try to hit. What good is a weapon that doesn't go straight? Like it deliberately dodges your target. What a piece of shit. Now, I know I'm sucking pretty bad at this, but unless you've played this, you have no idea how friggin' awful the controls are. It just feels slippery. And you feel like you have to force everything you're doing. But that makes it more likely to overshoot a jump or undershoot it trying not to. It doesn't help either that there's all these rocks coming down. And finally, when I get up here, it's not even worth it because there's nowhere to go. I can't even go in those caves. So, that's enough of this shit.
The Nerd: Well, that's Bible Adventures. You thought that was weird? Well, wait until you see Bible Buffet. Yeah, Bible Buffet. When I first heard the title, I just didn't get it. My only guess was it has to do with food and the Bible. Well, guess what? I got half of that right. It definitely has to do with food. But there’s no mention of anything from the Bible anywhere in this whole game. What is this I'm looking at? It-it's a board game? In fact, it's a rip-off of Candy Land. Just look at it, all the different food-themed lands like Potato Land, Barbeque Land, Pizza Land, and Dessert Land.
Clear NES Voice: Player 1!
The Nerd: Oh my God, it's talking. Well, you spin the wheel, and you make some moves like any other board game, then you get to play all these weird mini-games, which sort of resembles an Atari game. The sound effects are classic. (assorted 8-bit sound effects) And it definitely resembles Attack of the Killer Tomatoes more than it does the Bible.
The Nerd: So you lay down all these “exploding pancakes” which blow up everything. I think they're supposed to be oil drums or something, but everything else is some kind of food, so I'm just going to call them “exploding pancakes”. I mean, this is just fucking weird. It might as well be anything. I mean, look at all the stuff that's trying to kill me. Potato chips and pizzas and... pork chops and bottles, watermelons, ice cream cones, ice cubes, and cans of like, soda coming out of a vending machine? Look, a snowman. Watch this. I'm gonna blow his fucking head off. (The snowman gets his head blown off his body) Yeah, that snowman's dead as shit.
The Nerd: Ugh, I just pushed that thing into the exit. But, there's no way to get it back out. So, now I blocked myself from finishing the level, and my only choice now is to reset the game or commit suicide.
The Nerd: Every once in a while, you get a quiz. True or false? Umm... I guess true. True or false? Uhh... I guess false. What the hell am I guessing? It would help if I had the questions. You know where they are? They're in the manual. So, unless you still have the manual, let alone have the fucking game, you're not gonna know what the questions are. Now, what was the problem with putting the questions on the screen? Why didn't they do that instead? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
Clear NES Voice: Alright!
The Nerd: That voice is just crazy. I-I don't know what it is, but it sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I don't know. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But, I also suppose it's rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari that's all about food trying to kill you. Yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer. And if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to “Thou Shall Not Kill”? Please, somebody tell me. What the Hell am I playing? I kinda like it, but I gotta turn it off before I go insane.
The Nerd: So, let's play another Bible game. It's The Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack... is Genesis. ("Invisible Touch" plays in the background.) I'm just making this up, but let's move on to Super Nintendo and check out this game that I'm actually not making up. I couldn't even come up with anything half as crazy if I tried. This is Super Noah's Ark 3D. Yet it's also referred to as Super 3D Noah's Ark, because of the way the title art’s misrepresented. So, who knows? Call it whatever you want. Call it Super 3D Fuck Farts if you want. I know it's weird, but the weirdness actually starts with the cartridge.
The Nerd: As you can see, it looks like no other Super Nintendo game you've ever seen. In fact, it doesn't even look like a game at all. It looks more like a Game Genie. By this time, I believe Nintendo was catching on to the fact that Wisdom Tree was making these Bible games for their system without their permission, so what I think happened was when Super Nintendo came out, they put a new lockout chip inside the system, which only allows games licensed by Nintendo to work. So, how many Super Nintendo games came out not licensed by Nintendo? Well, just one, and it found a way. By plugging an official Super Nintendo game into the top of it, it overrides the lockout chip and you can play it. The question is, would you want to? Well, actually, yeah, you would.
The Nerd: What other first-person shooter game do you get to play as Noah? I really can't believe this game exists. But, it seems to be a fact because I'm playing it. Now, does it look like Wolfenstein 3D? (Game footage of "Wolfenstein 3D" is shown) Yes. In fact, it is Wolfenstein 3D. It doesn't even count as a rip-off. It's the same fucking game, but with Noah. Instead of shooting Nazis, he's shooting goats. All the levels are exact duplicates, but what's really funny to know is that there's a story going around that ID, the company that made Wolfenstein and Doom, gave their own game to Wisdom Tree for them to turn it into this. Why?
The Nerd: Well, according to the rumor, ID was pissed off that the Super Nintendo version of Wolfenstein was inferior to the PC version, and that Nintendo basically butchered it by turning down the violence, as well as altering other things, so as some sort of joke, or whatever, ID handed the source code over to Wisdom Tree for them to make the mockery which you're looking at now.
The Nerd: And there's a bit of conspiracy going on. According to the Bible, Noah puts two of each animal in the ark, right? Well, according to this game, he put a whole bunch of goats on there. And, if that's not crazy enough, guess what? All those goats want Noah dead. Damn! Why's there so many of them and why do you shoot them with a slingshot? I think that would actually make them more angry. I can't even see what you're supposed to be shooting at them anyway. It just looks invisible. It's supposed to be food, I guess, but why does it put the animals to sleep? Well, I guess Noah shoots the food so hard that it knocks the animals unconscious. Now, what's even stranger is how they attack you. They just do like these weird kicks from a mile away and they hit you. Like, how can they even reach?
The Nerd: Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Music from the game plays) Wow, that's great. Just what you need, some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats. So that's it. There's more animals along the way, but you get the idea.
The Nerd: So, as we've seen, every one of these Bible games rips off something. So, just to show you another example, let's take a look at Spiritual Warfare on the Nintendo. (Starts the game up) Okay. Right off the bat, what does this game look like? Hmmm. Well, here's some hints. Look, it's an aerial view with, like, bushes and rocks. You start out with three hearts for health, you hold two items, you go into a little cave and talk to someone. And when you walk into the next area, the screen moves. There's that square-shaped stairwell, and there's a raft. You go down ladders with gray stone walls. And when you start the game, you get to type in a name. Well, if you can't already tell what this game looks like, let me spell it out.
(He spells out ZELDA.)
The Nerd: That's right. Zelda. Let's recap, shall we? In Zelda, we have an aerial view with bushes and rocks, you start with three hearts for the health, you hold two items, you go in a little cave and talk to someone, when you walk into the next area, the screen moves, there's that square-shaped stairwell, you go down ladders with the gray stone walls, there's your raft, and when you start the game, you get to type in a name. What a shameless rip-off! Well, at least they came up with a few original ideas. Like, sometimes when you kill your enemies, a flying devil comes out. And besides the usual rocks and bushes and trees or whatever, they randomly have all these garbage cans placed about. That's where this game belongs, in the fucking garbage!
The Nerd: Alright, let's play one more game: King of Kings. Oh, great! Three more games. Fuck. Let's do The Wise Men. Well, you're on a camel; you're basically trying to ride to the end of the level. Your obstacles include lizards, a cactus that comes out of the ground, flying rocks, porcupines shooting needles, moving pitfalls, and blocks that come down and stun you. Just like in Bible Adventures, the control is really awkward. But here, it's so bad, it's nearly unplayable.
The Nerd: So, every once in a while, you pick up these scrolls that make you answer questions about the Bible, like "Who is Jesus’ mother?" Well, that would be Mary. Now, why are there quizzes in the middle of this game? Quizzes aren't fun! Quizzes make you feel like you're in school! Games are fun! Quizzes: not fun! Put them together! (Makes a silly facial expression.)
The Nerd: So, you'd probably rather just play the game than answer the questions, which would be a good reason to just avoid the scrolls, but if you get the questions right, you get energy, which you want. Now, a lot of these questions are true or false, and once you get used to that, you tend not to look at the words true and false because you instinctively assume true always comes above false. But no. Not with this game. They alternate just to trick you. Many times, I accidentally pick false when I mean to pick true. I mean, what's up with that shit? Just keep them the same!
The Nerd: Now let's try Flight to Egypt. It's bad. Alright, Jesus and the Temple, last fucking game. Let's get it over with.
The Nerd: Okay, another rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall. Well, at least they upped the challenge on those logs, but it's just flat-out annoying. The logs have the most erratic pattern. Sometimes you jump too early, thinking that the next log is going to come, but it doesn't. Then, just to tease you, it pops up at the bottom, crawling up the waterfall just to sit there and mock you. Other times, the second log shows up, but once you're on it, and expecting the third one, it doesn't come. But, just for one final kick in the balls, it throws all these other logs down to make you think you can salvage it and jump your way back to safety to try again. But no. Not quite.
The Nerd: The graphics are really flawed. I mean, usually, you know how to time your jumps once you see that log come over the waterfall, but sometimes, they just appear at random, which doesn't give you enough time to react. Also, what's going on with the colors in the sky? Looks like something you might see if you take too much LSD.
The Nerd: There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I'd rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass. I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus hole. It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass shit. That's it. So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Birthday Jesus, whatever. Happy Holidays. I'll see you in 2007.