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AVGN Christmas Carol pt. 2

The Nerd looks on in disbelief at the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ghost of Christmas Past: (Where Part 1 left off) Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!

(The Nerd hits himself with "Double Dragon" for the Sega Master System)

The Nerd: I ain't seeing this!

Ghost of Christmas Past: Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?

The Nerd: Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.

Ghost of Christmas Past: But you're already there, drowning in your own misery and torments.

The Nerd: (frowns) You see this? (gives the middle finger)

Ghost of Christmas Past: I do see that.

The Nerd: (waves middle finger) But you're not looking at it.

Ghost of Christmas Past: But I see it.

The Nerd: Look, ghost. Why do you come to me?

Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, to take you back to the past.

The Nerd: To play the shitty games that suck ass? No, thanks.

Ghost of Christmas Past: This is your past, Nerd!

(The Nerd gets blown to the past, where we see a young Nerd playing on a home computer.)

The Nerd: Oh, wow. That's me. I'm playing Round 42. That was the shit; I remember that. (Cut to The Nerd's first experience with the NES.) Oh, now, that's my first time playing the NES! And that's my dad in his underwear, taking out the trash. At least, he's not making me take out the trash. (Cut to James playing "Super Mario Bros. 2") Oh, and that's me playing Mario 2. At least, we all thought it was Mario 2.

Young Nerd: I don't know how you get in there. There's a wall blocking it. So I don't know how to get in.

Young Nerd: (almost gets hit) Yikes, I'm not going down there.

Young Nerd: (after Princess Toadstool dies) This isn't fair.

(cut to Super Mario Bros. "Game Over" Screen and music)

Young Nerd: (Screams angrily) I lose every game!

The Nerd: I remember nothing but torture. (Cut to Rolfe's Christmas 1991 video.) Oh, that's that fateful Christmas day when I got my Super Nintendo.

Young Nerd: My first 16-bit machine! (Laughter from family)

Ghost of Christmas Present: You remember what you said?

The Nerd: Who are you?

Ghost of Christmas Present: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.

The Nerd: Well, what do you want?

Ghost of Christmas Present: I just want to remind you of the fond memories you had with Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?

The Nerd: Talking to you?

Ghost of Christmas Present: No, this is all out of body, don't you get it? Right now, you're looking back and reviewing one of the worst games of the Super Nintendo.

(The Nerd sees himself looking through his collection and pulling out an awful SNES game, titled "Shaq-Fu.")

The Nerd: Shaq-Fu. Just the name makes people cringe, like, you don't even want to go there.

The Nerd: So, it's a fighting game with a storyline that begins with Shaq wandering into a Chinese shop for whatever reason, and an old man tells him that he has to save some kid, so Shaq just goes along with it and steps in the portal and ends up in the 2nd World. I guess we live in the 1st World, so this is the 2nd. So, you're wandering around, fighting everybody you meet, including a goblin sort of thing, some crazy cat bitch, a Persian prince, I guess, and all kinds of weird aliens and a mummy-warrior. I never even heard of such a thing! I just don't know about this. It's really weird. I kinda liked Full House: Tournament Fighter. At least that had more appropriate characters. Now, this is one of those multi-console games which appeared on both the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis/Mega Drive console, and most of the time, the Super Nintendo version was better, which means, I'd really hate to see the Genesis version. Now, besides the ridiculous concept, the dull sound effects, and everything else, the rotten core where this game stank bullshit stems from is in its godforsaken control. The controls are mutilated. Fucking atrocious. They're especially unresponsive when you're trying to execute a special move, and most of the time, you find yourself trying to get close enough to your opponent to hit him! You just end up jumping all around until the clock runs out.

(The Nerd is shown getting angry at how God-awful the controls for "Shaq-Fu" are.)

The Nerd: This game falls between the asscrack of basketball fans and fighting game fans. It doesn't please anybody. I also gotta mention that there also used to be a website dedicated to finding and destroying every cartridge of this game. It's that bad. Now, I can go into depth and describe the controls and every last detail why this game is so God-awful, but I don't even have to. The name says it all! The title doesn't even sound good! Shaq-Fu? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a fighting game starring Shaquille O'Neal and call it Shaq-Fu pretty much proves that you could put "Fu" at the end of anything! How 'bout Robin Williams-Fu? Or U2-Fu? I mean, who came up with this shit?! WHAT, WERE THEY SMOKING CRACK UP THEIR ASS?!

The Nerd: Oh, Ghost. Please. I can't stand it anymore. Ghost? Where are you?

(Scary music plays)

The Nerd: Oh, my God! I know who you are! Dreadful apparition, WHY MUST YOU TROUBLE ME?!?! WHY DO YOU SPIRITS WALK THE EARTH, AND...WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?! (Ghost turns out to be Dracula from "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest," who leads him to his living room in the future) (in shock) Oh, my God.

Elderly Nerd: You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, it's actually what they called it. But, it was very revolutionary when it first came out, but looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullshit fuck game called Far Cry Vengeance. (The Nerd puts hat over his head) Now, you put the word "Vengeance" at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck. (Elderly Nerd blows system and game then puts it in.)

Woman: Hey, big fella. You look like the kind of man you could... handle himself.

Man: You look like the kind of woman I'd like to handle.

(Elderly Nerd laughs)

Soldier: How long have you been with the rebels?

Man: I'm not that kind of rebel, pal.

Soldier: I'm not your pal, you bastard guy!

(He laughs again)

Elderly Nerd: Oh, look at that. Look at all the grass growing. Kinda like in Creepshow. Hey, yo, stupid ass! I'm right behind you, fuckface. Kill him! Kill him!

Anouncer: Kill him!

Elderly Nerd: Here you go! (Grunts) Yea-oh, right in the balls!

(tries to get up, but can't)

Elderly Nerd: FUCK!!! The control is fucking awful! Now it's time for Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz.

Announcer: Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz!

Elderly Nerd: Oh, and that guy's like, "Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz!!!"

(Elderly Nerd coughs)

Elderly Nerd: Alright, now despite being a pretty good game, there's the party games. And instead of having a few really good ones, they just have a whole bunch of really shitty ones! They just suck, should I say, monkey fuck? I mean, this doesn't even have anything to do with the monkeys, you're just a fucking dog going around trying to move the fucking sheeps off the screen. Ahh, it's fruit! Yeah, get the fruit in the basket! It's fruit! This is the worst fucking thing ever. Look at this. MOVE!!! MOVE, GODDAMN IT!!! WHAT--LOOK AT THIS!!! GOD-MAN-UCK-ITCH-ASS-SHIT--What a shitload of--WHAT WERE THEY THINKI-I'D RATHER DRINK DIARRHEA SAUCE!!!! Alright! It's time to BOOGIE!!! Boogie! Boogie-Boogie-Boogie-Boogie!

(Elderly Nerd plays game to the tune of "Walking on Sunshine" and suffers a fatal back injury and heart attack before collapsing on the ground, with the Nerd terrified with what happened.)

The Nerd: Spirit, please, have mercy! I can’t stand to look at this, anymore! 

(The Nerd looks at his own grave at shock)

The Nerd: NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!

(The Nerd looks back on games and events from past two years, along with flashbacks with his own past. Then the camera zooms back to the Nerd still yelling "NO!!!" before waking up, with a change of heart about games.)

The Nerd: It's Christmas! (Laughing happily) I haven’t missed it! (Laughs more happily) (angrily at Double Dragon for Sega Master System) You little shitload of fuck! (happily) IT'S CHRISTMAS!!! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY!!!! (Laughs even more happily) Look at all these games! All these games! I think I'm going to play Super Mario World! Fuck, yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on!

(Suddenly, the smile disappears and he finally turns off the Super Nintendo, and ejects "Super Mario World.")

The Nerd: Man, fuck that! Let's play some shitty ones.

(He holds up a Virtual Boy, then credits roll with the "Mickey's Christmas Carol" remix, and ending with the "Angry Video Game Nerd" theme again)

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