("Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" plays in the background, while we see the Nerd getting a package and gets excited about it, but opens it and finds out that it's "Home Alone 2: Lost In New York," for the NES. All the happiness in his face goes away.)
The Nerd: Oh, gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game. Coal would have been nice. Or even better, a bag of poop! So, thanks.
(Intro plays, beginning with the remix of the "Mickey's Christmas Carol" theme and finishing with the "Angry Video Game Nerd" theme.)
The Nerd: Home Alone 2 on the NE-FUCKING-S. Now, just like in the movie, you're anywhere but home; you're lost in New York. Now, I'm really scraping the bottom of the shit barrel with this one. I mean, the first Home Alone game was so bad, why would you even bother with this one? Well, it's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.
The Nerd: Now, the first thing I noticed, besides, of course, the title screen, and the strangely-placed credit scroll, is that the game is actually in memory of someone. Now, that's sad. (The game was in memory of Tom Heidt, a video game programmer at Imagineering, who died in 1992. This message was also seen in The Simpsons: Bartman meets Radioactive Man, another Imagineering-developed game.)
The Nerd: So, you start the game, trying to escape from this hotel, because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now, you don't want to fuck around with this hotel. They'll get everybody after you. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops. Yeah, crazy, bloodthirsty mops will try to get you. Vacuum cleaners, yeah, they'll suck you up. Then, there's suitcases. Even the fucking suitcases are trying to run you over.
The Nerd: Now, another thing I noticed right away was that the sound effects are taken straight from Bart vs. the Space Mutants.
(Comparisons between the two with both sounding exactly the same)
The Nerd: Now, that's common for a video game company to recycle their own sound effects, but that was Acclaim, and this is THQ. Damn robbers. (What the Nerd doesn't realize is that Acclaim and THQ are only publishers; both games were developed by the same company, Imagineering, so it is not theft if the same developer uses the same sound effects for their games.) Now, nothing in the game really makes any sense. You're just running around, and-- Get the fuck off me, Goddamn it!
The Nerd: There's a guy throwing a key. Now, in the world of video games, a key is usually a good thing. You collect keys and use them to open doors, but not this game. The key kills you!
The Nerd: Then, you go into these rooms which have absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Sometimes, you could find items, some of which can be used as temporary weapons, but the main idea is that you just run to the right until you reach the end. But then, what happens? Nothing! You can't go anywhere! You press the button and wait for the elevator, but it doesn't happen! Meanwhile, these suitcases keep flying at you, so you start walking to the right, but, no, that doesn't work either. So, what do you do? You go back and explore the whole level, exhausting every possibility until you realize, yes, you are supposed to wait for that elevator.
The Nerd: I end up pushing the button like a hundred fucking times and I'm being serious! I don't know if it makes a difference, but basically, you gotta wait for that elevator. Then, it starts dropping you off on random floors, you run all the way to the right again, only to be faced with the same problem. It's a dead end! So, what do you do? You go left again. And, when you get back to the elevator, only then can you advance to the next random floor. It doesn't make any logical fucking sense.
The Nerd: So, you're just going around, dodging everything, and sometimes it's impossible to jump over people, so you really need a weapon, which you could sometimes find in these rooms, but watch out for those crazy fucking maids that throw pillows which look like bloody butcher knives missing handles.
The Nerd: When you see the old ladies, you slide on your knees like Pete Townshend, which is probably the best part of the game. Sometimes, the slide can kill things, and other times, it can't. I didn't even know it could be used as an attack until I got to the chef because that's the only way to get past him: Is to slide into him.
The Nerd: Now, of course, every time you hit him, he removes another article of clothing. Now his shirt's gone and...do I really want to do this? Oh, shit! GOD! Then he leaves his hat and...it turns into a pizza. Okay.
The Nerd: There's really no consistency in this game at all. For example, most of your enemies, you could stun them and then just pass by, but this asshole, it doesn't work! You shoot him in the balls, and then he still has his way.
The Nerd: I just want to get up on those boxes so I could jump over. But you can't. You can jump on the boxes to the right, but you can't jump on the ones on the left! I mean, what kind of fucking sense does that make?
The Nerd: Some of the poles you can climb, and some of them, you can't. Some of the potted plants, you can jump on the plant itself, but other times when you're in desperate fucking need, you can't! It's like the game keeps changing the rules!
The Nerd: Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds shitting all over me! GET UP THE FUCKING LADDER! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!
(Screams angrily then forcefully takes game out of system)
The Nerd: MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! (Crash) Shitty games, all my life! SHITTY FUCKING GAMES! I HATE SHITTY FUCKING GAMES! AND I HATE SHITTY FUCKING CHRISTMAS 'CAUSE SHITTY FUCKING CHRISTMAS MEANS MORE SHITTY FUCKING GAMES! HUMBUG! BAH! FUCK IT HUMBUG IT TO HELL!
("Double Dragon" for the Sega Master System falls out of the shelf and hits the Nerd on the head.)
Ghost of Christmas Past: Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
(The Nerd hits himself with game, caption reads "To be Continued...")