(Fan versions of Angry Video Game Nerd theme play)
The Nerd: The Wizard of Oz. A great series of books, but most remembered as the classic 1939 film adaptation. Everyone's seen this as a kid, and it's one of the most cherished movies of all time. Now, did it ever need to have a game? Well, with all the shitty movie adaptations on Nintendo, it should come as no surprise. But, this is Super Nintendo, so it can't be that bad, right?
(Nerd inserts the Wizard of Oz game into the Super Nintendo. He turns on the system. The theme to the Wizard of Oz game plays as soon as he turns it on.)
The Nerd: The title screen looks promising enough, but if you watch the demo, you see Dorothy fall down a hole and die in a matter of seconds. They didn't even try. It's the worst demo I've ever seen and the perfect foreshadowing for one of the worst games ever.
So you start the game, and the intro begins. To say the least, it's horrifying. Look at how ugly this is. Dorothy looks like she's dead. And the graphics on Toto really stand out for some reason. Then the tornado comes and Dorothy gets sucked away like a cardboard cutout. So, she's in Oz right away and Glinda gives Dorothy the ruby slippers. I always thought that was sketchy. Why does Glinda have such disregard for Dorothy's safety? Having the ruby slippers makes her the target of the Wicked Witch. It's not like Dorothy asked for the damn slippers. Also, why doesn't she just tell her she can click her heels and go home right away? Fucking bitch.
(The Wicked Witch's bubble enters from the left side of the screen.)
The Nerd: Oh my God! The witch has a bubble, too?! I don't remember that from the movie. The basic gist of the game, you gotta get through four countries, each consisting of seven of eight stages. You have to collect bricks and tickets along the way. The bricks are used for building a bridge from one country to the next and the tickets are for entering the Emerald City at the end. There's also mini-games, like match the picture and this word scrambler thing with Toto. Trust me, it sucks. (Toto falls off a letter block)
But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this Wizard of Oz or Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you.
The Nerd: OH, GOD! HERE IT IS! WATCH OUT FOR THE CLOCK! (Hits himself with the clock and exclaims)
The Nerd: Then there's lemons dropping down. You know, like in the lyrics of Somewhere Over the Rainbow? The lemon drops? That's fucking desperate. My favorite's the cat cactus. That's creative, right? You get it? A cat cactus? There's even enemies that you could barely see, like this tiny mouse on the fence in the background. Like, are you kidding me? That doesn't even make any sense from a perspective viewpoint. She's like, standing in front of the fence. As far as tying to defend yourself from all this shit, you're screwed. Dorothy has two attacks: shooting magical items that she collects or kicking. The only thing effective is shooting at things, but your ammo runs out extremely quick and it's very rare to find more. In fact, only a few stages in the whole game have this ammo, which comes in the form of gems or stars. Can you imagine how annoying this is? Take, for example, Super Mario World, okay?
(Cuts to Super Mario World, with the "Here We Go!" Yoshi music playing.)
The Nerd: Imagine if there were no mushrooms, fire flowers, or anything throughout most of the game. You have to go back to the first stage every time you need something. Is that fair?
(Cuts back to The Wizard of Oz.)
The Nerd: But let's face it; you're gonna keep running out of ammo in the middle of a stage, so your main attack is the kick. It's all you have. Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest? (Dorothy kicks constantly at a huge crow, with him cawing out in pain each time)
Well, anyway, this kick is practically useless. Most enemies come from above, I mean, look. You can't kick while jumping either, which is really a problem. So, in the air, you can't defend yourself. Unfortunately, you need to be in the air to jump your way through the game. She's carrying that fucking wand around, you wish she could just whack things with it, but no. It's just for decoration. (Dorothy spins her wand) What a joke. Most of the time, you're just constantly taking hits, hoping to have spare energy. Fuck! Shit!
The Nerd: Along the way, you meet the other classic Oz characters. Thankfully, you can play as all of them, and switch between them. And each of them have their own individual life bars, which makes it helpful, so when you lose energy it doesn't affect the other characters, but their attack range doesn't improve much. The Scarecrow can use the pitchfork, which is okay. But you still can't attack while ducking or jumping.
Now, Tin Man, what a miserable fuck. He raises the shittiness to a whole new level. He can't duck or jump at all. THAT fucking helps, right?! Why make a character in a platforming jumping game that can't jump?! HE'S USELESS! A COMPLETE WASTE! And, just to tease you, he's the only one that who has two attacks. He can kick and use the ax. But what good is that if he's incapable of jumping?
The Nerd: Now, the Lion's the best, and here's why-
(The Cowardly Lion suddenly enters from the left side of the screen.)
Cowardly Lion: Oh! I'm the Lion! I'm the Lion! I'm the Lion from The Wizard of Oz! (Grabs controller) (Roars) One time I first took a shit up the side of a bar. Let's have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Oh, I like to wipe my ass with this tail!
(The Nerd tries not to laugh, but he can't resist.)
Cowardly Lion: It's not my dick, it's my tail!
The Nerd: Shut up! Shut up! (Shouting) Shut up! Look, want you to read this game. We're up to your part right now.
Cowardly Lion: Oh, my part! (laughs)
The Nerd: Now, here's how the Lion works in the game. Now, as far as the attacks go, he has like this weird bitch-slap.
Cowardly Lion: (Chortles)
(The Lion tries to bitch-slap him, but can't.)
Cowardly Lion: (Chuckles)
The Nerd: Yeah, it's the equivalent of Scarecrow's pitchfork. And he's the only character besides Dorothy that can shoot stuff.
(The Lion throws blocks at the Nerd, but this time it hits him, almost knocking him off the couch.)
Cowardly Lion: With a nuck and a ruff and a fuck and a f-fuck!
The Nerd: Hey man, did you just swear?!
Cowardly Lion: Uh, (laughs) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! (laughs)
The Nerd: Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
Cowardly Lion: (Gasps) Die? (Begins to cry)
The Nerd: ...he never comes back!
(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)
Cowardly Lion: Fuck!
The Nerd: Now, it's time to discuss the game's most fatal flaw. It's a glitch that defies all your gaming sensibilities: You fall through the platforms. No kidding. If you try to jump from an angle, or land anywhere other than dead center, you're going through. (Dorothy falls through a leaf) Like, how in fuck-hell do I miss jumping on something this big?! I've never seen anything so ridiculous in my life. It makes the game virtually unplayable. A lot of times, I find myself rocking the D-pad back and forth to ensure I land precisely where I want. And then sometimes, it still doesn't work. You just gotta take your time. Plan each jump very carefully.
(The leaf Dorothy is on collapses, making her fall into the pit below.)
The Nerd: Oh, I didn't know THAT was going to happen. So, no. You can't take your time. This is one of the hardest games I've ever played, but for all the wrong reasons. Every time you get Game Over, you have to enter a password to continue, and like any shitty game, it's long and tedious. And I swear, I had to enter this password about 50 times before I finished this game. Alright, I'm almost to the end of the stage, almost to the end...
(The game fades to black, and fades back to the start of the stage! WHAT THE FUCK?!)
The Nerd: What?! I died?! Yeah, it doesn't matter if you reach the edge of the screen, you gotta be right on the arrow or above it. Have you ever seen a game be that picky? As long as I touch the right side of the screen, that should count!
Another thing that pisses the shit out of me is that you can't jump down off ledges. Let's take a good game, for example. Yep. Referring back to Contra again, if you push Down and the jump button at the same time, you jump down. Simple, right? But no! You can't do that in this game. Why's that such a big deal? Well, here's an example. I'm going to get hurt by this green flame. (The Scarecrow walks by the flame, causing him to get burned) You see? I just got hit. It's too high to jump over, and it's too low to walk under. All I want to do is drop down on the floor and walk underneath it. But, the only way to do that is to walk all the way to the left, drop down, and now I can pass under. (The Scarecrow safely passes by the flame) What a piece of shit.
The layout of the game is absurd. The platforms are placed at complete random. Sometimes they're out of reach, and other times you can't distinguish between what you're allowed to jump on and what's decoration. So you just gotta jump around at the scenery until you find something where you can land. (Dorothy can't land on a big yellow platform) Like... Right now. I'm completely stumped. I can't go anywhere! (Dorothy manages to land on an hourglass) Oh! Okay. I can't jump on this big, bright yellow thing, but this half-hidden hourglass that's partially in the background I can.
The Nerd: Towards the end of the game, you fight the Wicked Witch. Well, I don't have any ammo to shoot at her and because she's up on the ledge, I can't hit her since there's no jump attacks, which means Dorothy's out. That fucking kick won't get us anywhere. That seems like the only time when Tin Man can come in handy. But, what the hell?! Why is it that when I stand close, the ax disappears? It's like you gotta stand at the right spot.
The Nerd: SHIT! Come on!
(The Cowardly Lion re-enters from the left.)
Cowardly Lion: (Chuckles) (He sees the Wicked Witch) Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
The Nerd: Come on, you fucking green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
Cowardly Lion: (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)
The Nerd: Now, shortly after the Witch, you go into the Emerald City.
Cowardly Lion: Yeah. Emerald Shitty Asshole.
The Nerd: Yeah, it's the last stage in the game.
Cowardly Lion: Thank fucking God.
The Nerd: And to navigate this place is confusing as all hell.
Cowardly Lion: Hell's confusing.
The Nerd: Yeah, there's times when you're wandering around without any clue where to go.
Cowardly Lion: Yeah, what's that green thing?
The Nerd: That green- I don't know what th-
(As soon as the Cowardly Lion enters the green emerald door, the game fades to black.)
The Nerd: Oh, that big emerald is a door?
Cowardly Lion: Yeah, yeah, what are you, stupid?
The Nerd: Oh yeah, sure, that's easy to figure out. Now this is the last room of the game.
Cowardly Lion: About fucking time.
The Nerd: All you gotta do is get the two keys up on the top two corners.
Cowardly Lion: Get up there!
The Nerd: Now, what the fuck? I mean, how am I supposed to get under this flame?
Cowardly Lion: Piss on it.
The Nerd: Oh, fuck it. (The Scarecrow gets burned by the flame) So you get the two keys, and that's it. No end boss or anything special.
Cowardly Lion: That sucks.
The Nerd: And the Wizard tells you some bullshit that's not important, and then sends Dorothy home.
Cowardly Lion: (laughs) Oh, balloon.
The Nerd: Yeah. The animation's stunning.
Cowardly Lion: I thought it was a ballsack.
The Nerd: There's no place like home.
Cowardly Lion: Wipe your ass on Toto! (laughs) RUFF!
(The Nerd turns the SNES off and ejects the Wizard of Oz game. He takes it out of the system.)
The Nerd: There's no shitty game like this. I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But I'm serious, it's really ALMOST THAT BAD! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO!
(He throws the game, then the Lion shits, which catches up to the game and almost glues the game to the ceiling thanks to it.)
The Nerd: DAMN! YOU JUST PLASTERED THE GAME ON MY CEILING WITH YOUR SHIT!
(The Lion laughs)
Cowardly Lion: (singing) If I were the king of the grenade!
The Nerd: Hey man, did you just swear?!
Cowardly Lion: Yo, Yeah. I said oh uh fuck you fuck you dick dick dick dick dick! (laughs) Ruff Ruff!
Cowardly Lion: Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah. Fuck you Fuck you Dick Dick Dick! (laughs)