(The Cinemassacre and The Angry Video Game Nerd logos appear)
Wayne Campbell: (extreme close-up) WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Garth Algar: (extreme close-up) WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(The Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays)
(The title card appears, accompanied by the "Wayne's World" theme song.)
The Nerd: What can you say about Wayne's World? It's one of the movies that defined the early '90s. It makes fun of all the clichés that were going on at the time, and it only gets funnier every time you watch it.
The Nerd: Now, of course, there had to be video games. This is Wayne's World on the NES. It's hard to imagine what kind of material there is to work with. The movie's about two guys who run a show from their basement, and then a sponsor comes, tries to steal the show, and the rest is just a bunch of jokes. So, how do you take that, and make it into a game? Let's find out.
(places the game cartridge in the top loader and the game starts)
The Nerd: Okay, there it is. That's how you make a Wayne's World game. Just have Garth running around with a laser gun shooting stuff. That's real creative.
The Nerd: Look at this madness. Walking drums, floating hi-hats. Get it? Because Garth plays drums, he goes into Drum World. What kind of idea is that?
The Nerd: The graphics make me want to hurl. It's as bland as a kindergarten coloring book. Orange walls, purple floors; Garth is almost completely white, like they didn't have time to color him in. This looks terrible!
Wayne: It certainly does suck!
The Nerd: The music, I shit you not, is just a two-second loop being repeated over and over.
(2-second music loop from the game plays)
Wayne: It's giving me a headache.
The Nerd: The layout is a joke. Even in the most linear side-scrollers, you still have to figure out which is the best way to maneuver, like "Should I go up on this platform?" or "Should I go underneath?" But here, you can just stay on the ground and keep walking right. There's zero strategy involved.
Benjamin Kane: You know, I know nothing about video games, but I found what you just said riveting.
The Nerd: The next level, you're Wayne. But this is where the game gets incredibly difficult, because Wayne can't do anything other than this awkward kick. Of course, Wayne is well known for his martial arts.
(Wayne does a martial arts yell)
The Nerd: You can't kill anything unless it's right next to you. Most of the time, you get killed first, and then you go back to the Garth stage.
Wayne: No way!
The Nerd: That's it. You die once, you start over.
Garth: We'll try harder, okay? Just give us a second chance.
The Nerd: There's a bonus stage at a donut shop, but it looks more like an eyeball factory. You're just going around collecting donuts. But I can never figure out how to get the donuts in the middle. And whenever you jump down, you hurt yourself. Everything just sucks.
The Nerd: I like how in one of the cutscenes...well, I use the term "cutscene" very loosely, but anyway, they're talking about going to the bands playing at the gas works, and they mention the Lousy Beatles. In the movie, it was the Shitty Beatles. It's a shame they can't use the word "shitty" in a Nintendo game, because "shitty" is the best word to describe this whole thing!
The Nerd: The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says Wayne's World, kids will want it.
Noah Vanderhoff: Kids know dick.
The Nerd: There's clearly no thought process going on behind this miserable mess. Just make a game based on a popular movie and shit it into the stores.
Garth: It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad.
The Nerd: Talk about some 8-bit frustration right here. I hate this kick! You have to time it perfectly. Ungh! God! What are these things anyway? Just floating TV screens? Not floating TVs, but floating TV screens. Ungh, jeez! Wayne is just completely worthless!
Wayne: I'm just gonna stay here and lick the cat's butt!
The Nerd: Oh, look what's gonna happen. I'm just gonna jump over there and the spider's gonna kill me.
The Nerd: The hell with this game! I can't say I expected it to be good... but this is just a maximum catastrophe of ASS! Take it away, Garth.
(The Nerd throws the game onto a table, and Garth smashes up the game with a hammer.)
The Nerd: You're not gonna believe this, but there's another one, on the Super Nintendo.
Wayne: I was not aware of that.
The Nerd: The only difference is that we're going from 8-bit vomit to 16-bit vomit. One is just as bad as the other, but without the original gag reflex one gets from eating dog shit that's been blended with goat piss.
Wayne: Ah yes, it's a lot like Star Trek: The Next Generation. In many ways, it's superior. But will never be as recognized as the original.
The Nerd: It starts with Wayne and Garth doing a Top 10 list of worst video games. The irony is stunning. In this game, Wayne's trying to rescue Garth, which is already a disappointment not to be able to play as both of them. That's like Bill & Ted with just Bill, or Beavis & Butthead with just Beavis.
The Nerd: Wayne looks like a bobblehead. Your weapon is a guitar that shoots sonic booms, and the environment is once again constructed from different pieces of musical equipment. Instruments of all kinds, even bagpipes, and amps that shoot lightning. You'd think by now they could have come up with a more original idea.
Wayne: Yeah! And monkeys might fly out of my butt!
The Nerd: The voices are redundant. Every time Wayne gets an item, he says "Excellent."
The Nerd: And every time he gets hit, he says "NOT!"
The Nerd: That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying "not" to? Usually, the word "not" follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to Borat.
Borat: And this suit is not black!
Borat's Therapist: No, no, "not" has to be the end.
Borat: OK, OK, this suit is black, not.
The Nerd: But whether or not the voices are used in the right context, it gets incredibly aggravating to have to hear the same thing over and over again.
Wayne: Excellent. NOT!
The Nerd: Maybe it would have been cute to hear it one time, but who thought it was a good idea to program it like this? Are they mental?!
Wayne: Get the net!
The Nerd: The controls are awful. You can't shoot while ducking...
Wayne: NOT! NOT!
The Nerd: ...you can accidentally jump up to a higher platform, and when you try to land on things, you have to be at the right angle, or else you fall through.
The Nerd: After a little bit of time, you start to get used to it as if your brain begins to flick the shit switch and adapt to its bad controls.
Garth: It's... it's like a new pair of underwear. You know? At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
The Nerd: But even after I've overcome the crappy learning curve, still, I can't pass the first level.
Wayne: Not worthy! Not worthy!
The Nerd: Talk about non-linear. This level is a maze. I can't even figure out where I'm supposed to go, let alone survive.
Wayne and Garth: We're not worthy!
The Nerd: Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there is a code.
Benjamin: I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
Russell Finley: No, I did not realize that.
The Nerd: So we might as well put in the code and take a peek at the rest of the game.
Wayne: Game on!
Garth: Yeah, game on!
The Nerd: The second stage is at the diner. Apparently either Wayne got shrunk down in size or everything is giant. This doesn't have anything to do with Wayne's World. Did they think they were making a game of Honey, I Shrunk The Kids? And everything's alive; Coffee cups, donut men. What's going on here?
Garth: Hey, Mr. Donut Head Man, who's trying to kill you? I don't know, but they better not. OHHHHHHH! That's not good, I'm not happy, oh, no!
The Nerd: And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
Wayne: Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!
The Nerd: The music in this stage is real familiar. Is this supposed to be Foxy Lady?
(Background music that sounds similar to the song "Foxy Lady" plays)
The Nerd: It sounds kinda like it. Maybe they couldn't get the rights.
The Nerd: It also has the all-time worst butchering of Bohemian Rhapsody.
(16-bit style "Bohemian Rhapsody" plays in the cutscene, much to the Nerd's embarrassment.)
The Nerd: Stage three is at the gas works. Remember Wayne's annoying ex-girlfriend? Well, she makes an appearance in this game. Several.
Stacy: Hi, Wayne!
The Nerd: What, did she find a way to clone herself? What kind of bar is this? What kind of bar would put their arcade machines up on ledges where no normal person could reach? What bar would have fire shooting out of the floor?
The Nerd: The main enemies you face are laser-shooting disco balls. That's original. My favorite are the darts. It's like people are throwing darts and you're getting in the way.
The Nerd: You wouldn't believe the boss. Seriously, take a guess who the boss is. A giant disco ball? No. A giant pinball machine? No. Some generic bar guy? No. The answer... is Elvis.
Elvis Presley: Mmm! Jelly donut.
The Nerd: Elvis is in a Wayne's World game!
Elvis: Thank you very much.
Garth: Isn't that weird?
Wayne and Terry: Yes, that's weird.
The Nerd: Could it be any more out of place? Doesn't Wayne's World exist in the '90s? What is Elvis doing there? Does he have to talk so damn much?!
Elvis: Thank you very much.
The Nerd: The last level is a neighborhood that's been sucked into purgatory. I guess. I'm just making that up. It's a bunch of homes floating in the clouds. How else would you describe it?
The Nerd: The layout still finds ways to throw you off. (Wayne can't pass by a pole) What's blocking me? A pole that's in the foreground? Shouldn't I be able to walk behind it?
Wayne: I'm being shit on! That's all! Shit on!
The Nerd: There's a deranged hockey player who doesn't even look like a human being. But what is a human being according to this game? Someone with a bobblehead? Or someone who looks like some kind of cartoon monster?
The Nerd: The last boss of the game... are you ready for this? A gelatinous cube that swallowed Garth. Now, this is funny, because as random as it is, this cube was actually mentioned in the movie as an arcade game at Noah's Arcade, but I never thought in a million years I would see the gelatinous cube in a real-life game.
The Nerd: The ending is just another cutscene with Wayne and Garth. It's the same sort of thing you see in between the levels, so it's nothing special.
(The Nerd takes the "Wayne's World" SNES cartridge out)
The Nerd: This game is only slightly better than the NES version. But both of them make you wonder, "What were they thinking?!" You know what I'd like to do?
Glen: Yeah, I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy that did it...rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face...so he can see how black it is before he dies.
The Nerd: Actually... I think I'm gonna hurl.
(The Nerd "hurls" on the "Wayne's World" SNES cartridge, accompanied by the "Wayne's World" theme song.)