(Day 7 of "Twelve Days of Shitsmas". The Nerd opens the tiny present and reveals the V.I.P. starring Pamela Anderson video game for the Playstation)
The Nerd: V.I.P. starring Pamela Anderson. Her name is very familiar to anyone having been a teenage boy in the '90s. I don't think a single day went by on the school bus without hearing "Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson." After all, she was in such great movies like Barb Wire and Naked Souls. She was best known for the TV show Baywatch and after that, there was V.I.P. which I know nothing about, but let's check out the game. (The Nerd pops the V.I.P. disc into the Playstation and turns it on)
The Nerd: The story begins with a doctor calling a team of bodyguards for help, known as V.I.P. (A cut scene is shown from the game of the doctor calling V.I.P. for help as men in suits lurk outside the window) What kind of company is this and why would you call them? Why don't you just call 9-1-1? They don't even look like an emergency response team. They're dressed like they're getting ready for a photoshoot for a magazine cover, it doesn't make any sense. (Zoom in on Pamela's character) Pamela has never looked so creepy. Obviously, this is the original Playstation, so the graphics are acceptable for their time, but I can never get over this synthetic human look. Trying to look like real life, but appearing as lifeless as ever.
The Nerd: Then the game begins as you go to the doctor's estate, still dressed in your skimpy outfits, and beat up all the thugs who are trying to break into his home, or whatever the hell's supposed to be happening. They don't even explain it yet, but they suspect the doctor's playing some kind of trick. Who cares, let me tell you about the game.
The Nerd: I use the term "game" very loosely because it isn't really much of a game at all. You just copy the on-screen button combinations. If you enter it correctly, Pamela will automatically perform an attack combo. After she's taken out a group of thugs, she will automatically move to the next screen. It's like the game is playing itself: you're just passively watching the action take place in what appears to be a fighting game but is actually more like a hyped-up version of Simon Says.
The Nerd: You don't even need the game to play this, just get out your Playstation controllers and you can play along with me. (The Nerd begins to enter the combos while fighting thugs) Down, Circle... Up, Triangle... Right, Square... You enjoy that? Well, you're playing V.I.P. and that's all there is to it. It goes on and on and on. Of course I have to mention, she's hitting people with her purse. Nah, she's a girl, give her a purse.
The Nerd: Then all of a sudden, things change up. You take control of her partner, or I mean, as much control as the game allows. Here, you're moving the crosshairs of the gun around. That's right, she's using a gun, then why does the Pamela character use a purse? On the cover, she has a gun, but the manual says "she hates guns". Go figure that out.
The Nerd: What could be said about the gun portion of the game? Not much. Have you ever played an arcade shooter style like this? It's the same thing. Just move the crosshairs to the target, shoot, repeat, reload every now and then, repeat, repeat. What is she wearing anyway? She's going out to battle and this kinda thing is her normal job, shouldn't she be wearing some kind of body armor? Instead, she's wearing as little as she can possibly get away with. This is a scumbag's idea of a game. "Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!"
The Nerd: Every now and then, you find diamonds for points and they always seem to fly up her ass. You can cash the points in to watch more cutscenes. Even if it's the same cutscenes you've already seen without points, or you can see these still shots. What the hell is the point of this?
The Nerd: Anyway, I have to comment on the high energy music that seems like it's trying to get you all hyped up for nothing. It sounds sorta like a Sega Genesis synth guitar that's being choked. Like somebody's trying to rock out through a walkie-talkie that's been shoved up a hippopotamus's butt right before it muck-spreads but still, you gotta give it credit, it's trying it's best just blasting out through the farts of the hippo's ass, cranking out that high octane, pulse-pounding, hard-rocking music and in the end, all I'm doing is just pressing buttons.
(The Nerd plays as footage from the game is shown)
The Nerd: Down, Right, Square.. Left, Square, X... Right, Square, X.
(The Nerd reaches for the Day 8 gift)