(Fan versions of the "Angry Video Game Nerd" theme play)
The Nerd: I'm gonna review a good game for once. Yeah. Now don't worry, I'll go back to torture myself with shitty ones, but for now, let's do something awesome.
The Nerd: Super Mario Bros. 3 is often considered to be the greatest game on the NES, and for good reasons. It took everything that made the first Mario great and multiplied it several times over, adding new intricate levels of gameplay and challenges. Whether it's the top loader, or that classic gray box, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at the height of its popularity when this masterpiece came along to push it over the top and make an everlasting impression, the defining moment of our childhood pastime. During the final years of the 8-bit era, many other games came along like McKids and Tiny Toon Adventures which tried to emulate its gameplay, its power-up system and overall design. It was one of the first games I remember to have a strategy guide. There was also a Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon series, even though there was no 2. That's the power that this game had. All you gotta do is say "Mario 3," and anyone will go, "Oh, yeah."
The Nerd: Now, all the hype began before the game was even released. Most of us first heard about Mario 3 in the 1989 movie, The Wizard, an innocent little family flick, but essentially a theatrical Nintendo commercial in disguise as a feature film.
The Nerd: The plot involves a boy named Jimmy suffering from a mental disorder after his sister died. They put him in an institution, his brother breaks him out, and they run away. On top of that, Jimmy is Hell-bent on going to California.
(Jimmy says "California!" in multiple scenes)
The Nerd: All just because he wants to leave photographs of his sister inside Dinny the Dinosaur, one of two dinosaur statues previously featured in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
The Nerd: Along the way, they meet some girl who's also a runaway and they find out that Jimmy kicks ass at Nintendo games, so they enter a video game tournament called Video Armageddon. Throughout the course of all this, they're being chased by some asshole who finds lost kids for money. Meanwhile, he's competing with the father and older brother who are trying to find him first.
The Nerd: So, yeah, that's all great, but do you think any 9-year-old kid gave two fucking shits about the plot of this movie? I know I didn't. I saw it in the theater opening day, and here's a perfect re-enactment, all for you. What the Hell is this shit? I don't care what these people are talking about. Ooh, look back there, what game is this? Who the Hell are you?? Go back to the freaking Wonder Years, you piece of shit! What game's that? Oh, you hear it? That's Zelda II. Oh, what games are they playing? Turn around. Come on, I want to see the damn games. That's what it was like, you'd see a few moments of a game, you'd get excited, and then it's back to the story.
Sam Woods: I got the scroll weapon, and I almost beat Mecha-Turtle at the end of Level 3!
The Nerd: While some game lingo was thrown in, the audience, the kids watching the movie, were the experts and would notice anything that was wrong. When Jimmy's playing Double Dragon, he starts mashing buttons before the game even begins. Then after his brother pulls him away, only to turn back, he says:
Corey Woods: 50,000? You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
The Nerd: 50,000? How could you get 50,000 points in less than a minute, and why such a random number? Also note that it's not the arcade version of Double Dragon, it's the Nintendo version, which means that he's playing it on the PlayChoice-10, an arcade clone of games that were also on the NES. Obviously an endorsement from Nintendo. But the tabletop one in the diner, I've never seen that. Then, there's the Nintendo Power Tip line. That's right, people sitting around waiting to help you with any game problem you have.
Haley Brooks: Simon's Quest.
The Nerd: Just call that 900 number, and rack your parents' phone bill up the ass. Enter Lucas, the other villain, the opposing game expert of the film.
Lucas Barton: Pick any game you want. I'm good at all of them. I have 97 of them.
Haley Brooks: You know all 97 of them?
The Nerd: Today, there's about 800 Nintendo games, but for the time being, let's say, "Okay, Lucas is the master at Nintendo because he has all 97 games." You wanna be as badass as him, right? Well, you better get your parents to take out a loan, and get ya every Nintendo game. And of course, the biggest advertisement ever in a movie: the Power Glove. He proves his radicalness by playing Rad Rader. Rock music comes on which doesn't belong from the game. You can chop out 20 seconds of this, repackage it and air it on TV and there you go, it's a commercial for the Power Glove.
Lucas Barton: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.
The Nerd: The Wizard was a rare instance in product placement when the prime moviegoers were interested in the product rather than the movie itself. Again, much like in Pee-Wee, it ends with a big chase through a movie studio, this time the Universal backlot, from the Monster movie sets, to where King Kong attacks the trolley. Universal Theme Park was just about to open in Florida that following year. Another endorsement? Well, it's a Universal film, so of course.
The Nerd: The highlight is the game tournament, where the three finalists, Jimmy, Lucas, and some geeky bitch that nobody cares about [Mora Grissom], all compete in a game that nobody had even played yet! With the craziest host ever and the most epic introduction to anything in existence on the planet, this is when for the first time we set our eyes on Super Mario Bros. 3. Not only did it blow our minds to get a preview of this game on the big screen, but it also gave us a big tip. Who the fuck would know the first time playing to fly up over the ceiling and get the magic flute, and then to use it as a warp to get to World 4? After seeing The Wizard, we sure did.
Sam Woods: Jimmy! Watch the mushrooms!
The Nerd: Rather than it being a simple test of who makes it the farthest, they had some weird scoring system with knights running. How exactly do they keep score? But, who cares? This movie may be a mess, but it lives on in our hearts with a sentimental quality. Just the fact that they actually have Wizard reunions is a testament to that. But now, let's talk about Mario 3. This is gonna be short, because there's not much you can say that already hasn't been said a million times, but I'll put it blunt and simple: this game kicks your ass till diarrhea comes out your dick. The only thing better than playing this game would be to have a magic leprechaun come and bring you beer.
The Nerd: There's 8 worlds, each with a different theme: desert, snow, sky, and my favorite is the one where everything's giant. Each of the worlds has a big map screen where you can select which level you play. At first, it's as simple as clearing each level and moving on, but later the paths become more complicated, whether it means going through pipes, breaking through boundaries, or sailing over water, but the actual levels are what it's all about. Slide through a bunch of bad guys, oh, that's so much fun.
The Nerd: The two-player game has a perfect balance. It's where you can either work together to complete the game or just compete for items and race each other to the end. Or you could die deliberately so that the other player will have to play the hard levels. There's card games, puzzle games, and even a bonus stage where you can play the original Mario Bros. arcade. Again, this offers many possibilities to be an asshole toward the other player.
The Nerd: The power-ups are awesome. In the original Mario there's the Mushroom and Fire Flower, but now there's the leaf that turns you into a raccoon. You can break blocks with your tail, or if you get a good stretch of land to run, enough to get your P-bar up, you can fly for a short period of time. But if you get the P-wing, you can fly through the whole level. There's also the P-switch that turns blocks into coins. What does "P" stand for, and why is there so much "P" in this game?? It's not full of shit, it's full of "P."
The Nerd: But about the power-ups, you also have a frog suit that swims a lot easier, you got a hammer suit which throws hammers, and a Tanuki suit that turns into a statue. I dunno what that's about. I mean, I know you use it to protect yourself from enemies, but man, what kind of crack were they smoking? But the really cool thing is that you can save these power-ups and use them whenever you need them. Like, before the start of the level you might think, "Eh, it's time to break out the frog suit."
The Nerd: The enemies in the game are out of control. You got these Goombas hopping around in wind-up boots. Then you got an angry sun, Big Bertha, and nuclear waffles. Not to mention you gotta fight all the Koopa Kids and beat Bowser at the end.
The Nerd: Alright, going through the pipes, oh, wait, oh... BULLSHIT!! What a bunch of fucking bullshit! Come on, you piece of shit... come on, MOVE YOUR ASS! Hey, how do I get this flower over here? I dunno, I'm just gonna try to... ugh, come on! Yeah, alright. This game's tricky-dicky. It's pretty damn hard, too. Then there's this part where the only way to reach the goal is to fly in the air, while holding a Koopa shell, and break all the blocks. Who'd even think to go up there?
The Nerd: Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does!
The Nerd: Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
Video Armageddon Host: Come up here, my little beauties!!
Crowd: 6! 6! 6!
The Nerd: Yeah, "Video Armageddon!" The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, "the hills have eyes." Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards?
(game plays backward with an ominous voice overlaid)
The Nerd: This game's the product of the fucking Devil. And none of the other Mario games are like that, so I don't know why it's only this one. But, in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good, it's a sin.
Super Mario Bros. 3: Your mother!!
(NES Toploader floats down to the floor)
The Nerd: Oh, my!
(the controller is yanked off the Nerd's hands)
Super Mario Bros. 3: Heh-heh-heh-heh...
(slaps the Nerd with the controller, knocking off his glasses)
Super Mario Bros. 3: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
The Nerd: Oh, my God, it's a possessed NES!
(Super Mario Bros. 3 burps and pukes onto the Nerd's face)
Super Mario Bros. 3: Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!!
(The Nerd gets angry and pulls the game out of the NES)
The Nerd: The FUCK did you just say???
Super Mario Bros. 3: I said, "Your mother sucks cocks in HELL!!!"
The Nerd: Aaaah!!
(makes cross with his fingers)
The Nerd: Go back to Hell, you evil motherfucker!!!
Super Mario Bros. 3: Shove it up your ass, you motherfucking cocksucker!!
The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!!
Super Mario Bros. 3: What an excellent fucking day for an exorcism.
The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!!
Super Mario Bros. 3: Aagh!
The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!!
Super Mario Bros. 3: Aagh! Fuck your mother!!
The Nerd: THE POWER OF SUPER MECHA DEATH CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!
(Super Mecha Death Christ enters)
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
(Super Mecha Death Christ shoots Super Mario Bros. 3)
Super Mario Bros. 3: Actually, that wasn't quite what I had in mind!
The Nerd: YEAH!!! SUPER MECHA DEATH CHRIST 2000 B.C. VERSION 4.0 BETA, BITCH!!
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!!
(Super Mecha Death Christ uses heat vision on Super Mario Bros. 3 and keeps shooting at Super Mario Bros. 3)
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!! FUCKERS!! FUCKERRRRRRRRS!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!
(Super Mario Bros. 3 cartridge is destroyed)
The Nerd: Holy shit!
(Super Mecha Death Christ shoots the Nerd)
Super Mecha Death Christ: WATCH THAT FUCKING LANGUAGE!!
(the cartridge demon appears)
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!!
(Super Mecha Death Christ and the Demon have a showdown. Then, the Demon calls out his game consoles minions.)
(enters the Nerd on top of his air conditioner and wearing his NES Accessory Suit)
The Nerd: All right! WHO WANTS SOME?!!
(The PlayStation and two Nintendo Consoles starts attacking the Nerd, but the Nerd has time to react by shooting them with his Super Scope)
The Nerd: MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
(PlayStation shoots Memory Cards, the 1st NES console shoots game cartridges, and the 2nd NES console shoots fire, all going to the Nerd, but the Nerd protects himself with his cape (NES Accessory: Power Pad)
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!!!
(NES controller wraps around the Nerd's leg but the Nerd shoots it with his Konami LaserScope)
(N64 controller starts moving around and gets killed by the Nerd)
The Nerd: MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
(The Nerd starts shooting at various game consoles)
(Goodbye, Sega Saturn)
(Virtual Boy starts coming towards the Nerd and shoots Heat Vision at the Nerd, but the Nerd protects himself with the Power Pad and blows the crap out of Virtual Boy)
(Goodbye, Sega Genesis)
(The Book of the Dead starts laughing)
The Nerd: WHOA, NOT YOU!!!
(The Nerd shoots The Book of the Dead)
(Super Mecha Death Christ and the Demon still have a showdown)
(Meanwhile, the Super NES jumps to the Nerd, but the Nerd catches it and tears it apart.)
(the Nerd withdraws his Super Scope and shoots the 1st NES and withdraws his left NES Zapper and shoots the Sega Master System and withdraws his right NES Zapper)
The Nerd: I'M THE LORD OF THE HARVEST!!! BRING IT DOWN, BRING IT DOWN!!!
(the Nerd shoots rapidly with two zappers)
The Nerd: AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
(Goodbye, Sega Dreamcast)
(the Nerd shoots the 2nd NES and the Playstation with his Konami Laser Scope, Zapper, and Super Scope.)
(Now, it's the final showdown: The Nerd and Super Mecha Death Christ vs. the Demon)
(The Nerd and Super Mecha Death Christ shoots the Demon until the Demon explodes and dies.)
The Nerd: WE ANNIHILATED 'EM!
Super Mecha Death Christ: YES, WE DID!!!
(we look at the Nerd)
Super Mecha Death Christ: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?
(Super Mecha Death Christ is talking about the Nerd's NES Accessory suit)
The Nerd: Oh. Oh, this shit?
(the Nerd nods)
The Nerd: I'll tell you all about it.