(Julio plays the Angry Video Game Nerd theme remix)
(The title card appears, and the "Rambo" opening theme on the NES plays, accompanied by the Nerd pulling out the game)
The Nerd: Fuck. I gotta do this one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cause there's a new Rambo movie coming out. Back in the '80s, Rambo was the shit, but the NES game was just plain shit.
(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)
The Nerd: Well, it's based off Rambo: First Blood, Part II rather than the first one. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... probably wasn't their best interest.
The Nerd: It begins with the Colonel visiting Rambo in prison making him a deal: go rescue prisoners in Vietnam and you're free. But you have a choice. "I'm not afraid of death," or "I feel better in prison." Hmmm, how about "I feel better in prison"? "But it's up to you. The game doesn't start until you say YES." What's the point of having an option then? I'm saying "Leave me in the fucking prison," but then again, I might as well not even put the game in if I'm gonna say "No!" That's like in the movie if he would have said: "John, the movie can't continue till you say yes."
The Nerd: So the game begins. You're just walking around the hangar talking to people. Rambo just looks like some shirtless guy wearing red Spandex. So you're just walking around, talking to this person, talking to that person, then finally you go to the Colonel one last time where he says, "You've got 36 hours to get in, complete your assignment, and get the Hell out," the first swear I recall from a video game.
The Nerd: Then the plane drops you off and finally, the action begins. You spent most of your time just killing snakes, bugs, and other small animals with a knife. It's actually a complete clone of Zelda II. Yeah, that's right. That's the flying sword, or knife in this case. The numbers that appear when you kill the enemies, the way you talk to people, the dark caves which require a lantern to light the way, and overall, the layout is similar.
The Nerd: Now, speaking of the knife, that's one of the most disappointing aspects about this shitwad of a game. Why am I not using the machine gun like on the front cover? Why am I just fighting snakes and bugs? (sarcastically) This is "exciting". Doesn't this remind you of the movie? (Comparisons between movie and game) Remember when Rambo has to fight a giant spider? I don't.
The Nerd: Eventually, you start to fight appropriate enemies and you do gain an inventory of weapons such as flying daggers, arrows, and grenades. Man, who the Hell throws grenades at a tiger, anyway? You also get the machine gun, but this doesn't happen until much later in the game.
The Nerd: The problem may not be that the game doesn't follow the movie; it actually follows the movie way too much. Almost every key scene is recreated through character dialogue, but who cares? It's almost like they focused too much on the story rather than the overall gameplay.
The Nerd: When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: "What do you think of me?" The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, "What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out."
The Nerd: There's times when you have to follow her, but all she does is walk back and forth, so you're actually supposed to go meet her somewhere. But where the fuck that is is up to you to find out.
The Nerd: Now that's the biggest problem of this game: Finding out where the Hell you're supposed to go. You stand on these little boxes that say N for North, and S for South. You push Up and then you go to the next screen, and it's just like in Friday the 13th where you can change paths, but it's confusing to navigate because everything looks the same. If you keep walking in the same direction, the stage just repeats over and over. Sometimes you think you're making progress, but then you realize that you're doing laps over the same stretch of land.
The Nerd: But, to make it even more confusing, there's times when in order to advance to the next section of the game, you have to walk in one direction, and then go back the same way you came, so it's like if you walk to the right, you could just keep walking to the right forever. It's an endless cycle. But, if you walk to the left, that's when it takes you somewhere different. WHAT A SHITLOAD OF FUCKING BULLSHIT!
The Nerd: There's also a scene where you control the girl. She can't do anything but walk and there's no fighting involved. All you do, basically, is just walk from point A to point B. Why?
The Nerd: Another thing that blazes my balls is that when you're low on energy, the screen flashes. I guess it's nice to be alerted that you're dying, but it doesn't have to be so fucking annoying! Maybe you can say it's nitpicking, but I say it's shit-picking.
The Nerd: The controls are mindblowingly awful. It doesn't look bad, but believe me, it's bad. You can move and jump around just fine, but when it comes to using your weapons, it feels stiff. When you try to attack something, it's almost impossible without getting hit.
The Nerd: Getting across this bridge is a real shit-bitch. Damn! FUCK! Alright, come on, you bastard! I'm almost there. Almost there. FUCK! Oh, God.
The Nerd: How did they fuck up Rambo this bad? You think it wouldn't be that hard, just a guy in a bandana going around shooting people. Kinda like Contra. Yeah, that worked, didn't it? Side-scrolling, overhead, or even a semi-3D perspective, it all worked, as long as the control is fluent, the action's good, and the overall game play is stimulating. That's all it needs, but instead we get a confusing, incoherent mess that doesn't even really know what it's trying to be. A needless storyline, confusing navigation, frustrating controls, and a second-rate clone of Zelda II. Though it predated Zelda II in its U.S. release, Zelda II came out first in Japan.
(The Nerd finds a glitch making him go back to the beginning.)
The Nerd: Oh, what? What the shit?! I'm back at the beginning. How did this happen?! I just fell and now I'm back at the beginning of the damn game. I still have my weapons, but I got a long way to make it back to where I came. Murdock is still telling me the same shit he told me before, as if I never started the mission yet. So I guess I just found some crazy glitch.
The Nerd: So the only way I'm gonna show you the rest of this game is to enter a password, BUT LOOK AT THIS! Why does the fucking password have to be so damn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?!
The Nerd: If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for. The password system should be simple, straightforward, and easy to use. As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and move on. It doesn't need to be a fucking project! Assholes.
The Nerd: Ugh. Well, so this is it. The end of the game. And, they sure saved the hardest part for last. It's just a fuckin' barrage of shit coming down. It's like you need a bulletproof umbrella. There's no way to dodge this shit. And the only way to hit the copter is with grenades. It takes about a million hits and there's no damage indicator. It doesn't blink or anything when you hit it, so the first time I tried this, I didn't even know if the damn things were working. But, with patience, you finally win and then you go back to the hangar, a job well done. And from here on, you can just walk around and talk to people. There's Murdock, that bastard... You get out your machine gun, you shoot him, and... he turns into a frog.
(The Nerd stares in shock)
The Nerd: Yeah... you shoot Chinese letters, and he turns into... a frog. Just what I expected.
(He takes a drink from his flask, then angrily takes game out of system, grabs a swig from flask, accompanied by the password music from "Rambo" for the NES, takes out his Bic, spits, then the game explodes into flames.)
The Nerd: Now I think that was enough. But there's more Rambo games. So, just for a bullshit bonus, let's take a look at a couple more. Here, we have Rambo: First Blood Part II on the Sega Master System.
The Nerd: Now, okay. This is more like it. Starts up with the action right away, you're just going around shooting people, and on top of that, it's two players. We know that this (zooms in on Player 1's sprite) is Rambo, but who's this guy? (zooms in on Player 2's sprite) But anyway, it doesn't matter.
The Nerd: The controls are basic. Number 1 shoots bullets and number 2 fires exploding hand arrows. You give them a little number 1, you give them a little number 2. Heh... Number 2.
The Nerd: Well, at first it seems like a decent game, but it's also very frustrating because you move incredibly slow, you can't shoot down, and the bullets don't go far. They also look like ping-pong balls.
The Nerd: The game reminds me of Ikari Warriors, and it suffers from the same problems, though the levels are not nearly as monotonous, but one thing that happens is, if you die, you could reappear in an obstructive place and get stuck. You're trapped. I mean, there's nothing you could do, other than to just hope to just get hit by enemy fire so you could reappear somewhere else.
The Nerd: Another weird thing that happens frequently is that after you come back, you know, when you're in that brief invincible flashing stage, the controls get locked. You can only move left and right. I mean, this seems to happen mostly on the second player for some fucking reason. Other times while you're flashing, you can walk across the water. Who does Rambo think he is, Jesus Christ? (A picture of Jesus appears.)
The Nerd: Well, let's check out Rambo III, again on the Sega Master System. Now, this one's gonna be fun because it uses... (brings out a gun) the light gun. (he waves the gun around frantically) Unless the fucking thing doesn't work! (waves the gun about again) Uh, it kinda works. I mean, you just gotta wave it around, like Rambo. Rambo never shoots straight.
(The Nerd has a tough time with the Light Phaser.)
The Nerd: WHAT THE ASS?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS THING?! (He tries it again, but to no avail, and exhales in anger.) Piece of shit.
The Nerd: Now, with the Rambo games, I could probably go on for hours. But, that's not what's about. I just wanted to give you a basic overview. Now, it's been about 20 years since these games were out. It's also been about 20 years since the last Rambo movie.
The Nerd: Now, I'm psyched to go see Rambo IV. But it's not gonna be called Rambo IV, is it? Let's address this title situation one last time. Now, back in my Chronologically Confused video, I was making fun of Rocky VI being called Rocky Balboa, so I made a sarcastic comment. Let's take a look.
The Nerd from his Chronologically Confused video: What are they going to do? Call it John Rambo?
The Nerd: And what do they do? That's what they called it. Now I feel bad. I feel like I picked on a retard or something, like: "What are you, retarded?" "Oh. I'm sorry." But then what do they do? They change it again to just Rambo. Like, is this a sequel or a remake? It couldn't get any more confusing.
The Nerd: Even though the original movie was called First Blood, people often refer to it as Rambo. But, in the second movie, they downgraded First Blood into a subtitle calling it Rambo: First Blood Part II. But the Nintendo game is just Rambo, as well as the Sega version. Even though the box says the full title, the game itself and even the title screen just say Rambo. So technically, the immediate title of the second movie is Rambo. Next came Rambo III. Technically, it should be Rambo II or First Blood Part III. I mean, there's no consistency. But, just for the sake of confusion, it is the third in the series, so whatever. It's Rambo III.
The Nerd: But then comes Rambo. How do you follow Rambo III with just Rambo? That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, "I'm watching Rambo," it's like, "Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean First Blood? Or do you mean Rambo: First Blood Part II? Or do you mean Rambo, the 4th movie?" "THAT'S WHAT IT IS! THE FOURTH FUCKING MOVIE!" WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST CALLED IT RAMBO IV? I, II, III, IV!
(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while ripping a poster off the wall.)