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Transcript of AVGN Episode R.O.B. the Robot

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(The theme starts up as usual, but then explodes with all the title screens Mike Matei has created zooming in, ending with the title, R.O.B. The Robot. The credits roll as soon as it fades in to the Nerd's room. A different Angry Video Game Nerd theme is also heard. We see the Nerd behind his NES collection, and walks toward the front of the 1st side of his NES collection.)

The Nerd: What's the difference? All these games suck.

(He walks toward another collection of games.)

The Nerd: All these games suck too. I'm surrounded by filth. I might as well just COVER MY WALLS IN SHIT! I'm living in SHIT! Fucking video games. We wasted so many hours of human life with this vile crap! We failed in our existence when we were cursed with the technology to invent such horrible mind-rotting catastrophes! We were better in the fucking medieval times! I wish we were just sitting on a river bank playing with FUCKING ROCKS!

(The Nerd looks and sees various video games on his shelves, all zooming in at once. The Nerd then takes out some games, including Fester's Quest, and drops them on the ground.)

The Nerd: This game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks...

(The Nerd picks up an Atari 5200)

The Nerd: This fucking thing barely even works.

(Takes out more devices, like the Virtual Boy, the ColecoVision Expansion Module #2, the U-Force, and the Atari 5200 Trak-Ball controller)

The Nerd: And this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing...

(Zooms in to some other games like the mini arcade games, as well as the ColecoVision.)

The Nerd: ...and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing, and this fucking thing... (The Nerd crosses his arms.) I don't like 'em.

(Walks to a shelf of games)

The Nerd: Well, what are we gonna play this time?

(Takes out his pen and throws it backwards. He then finds and takes out a game called "Gyromite".)

The Nerd: Gyromite? That was one of the original NES launch titles. Yeah, like Duck Hunt, Excitebike, and Super Mario Bros. All the initial classics. Let's try it out.

(The Nerd inserts the game into the Nintoaster. When the game starts, we find that the title screen reads not "Gyromite," but "Robot Gyro" instead.)

The Nerd: Robot Gyro?? Well that's a good sign, when the title of the game isn't the same as on the fucking cover!

(Not knowing what to do, the Nerd makes Professor Hector walk back and forth while pushing the A and B buttons, which get no response. He gets angry after a few tries, expressing it through his trademark frown. Confused, he inserts a second controller and moves the pipe.)

The Nerd: Oh, okay, I get it. This is like some sort of 2-player co-op mode. OK, well, I was pretty sure I picked 1 player... (he resets the controllers)

(Again, Professor Hector runs back and forth.)

The Nerd: I did! The 1-player mode is a 2-player game. The first player controls the professor, and the 2nd player controls the gates. You both gotta work together. In the 2-player mode, the only difference is that the 2 players alternate back and forth. So, either way, it's a co-op game.

The Nerd: OK, so I need a 2nd player? Who the Hell am I gonna get to play this shit with me?

(R.O.B. the Robot then suddenly pops up behind the couch, and his voice is quite familiar)

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) I will play. I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.

The Nerd: (intrigued) Okay, cool. A robot. (hands R.O.B. the second controller) Here ya go.

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Error. Does not compute. Requires adaptive device.

The Nerd: It's a controller. You play it.

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) I do not have thumbs, you moron.

(Incredulous, the Nerd drops the controller.)

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Requires adaptive device. Location, bottom drawer. (the Nerd gets up) 3.6 centimeters depth, front right corner 9.1 centimeters -

The Nerd: (annoyed) Alright... (holds up device) This thing?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Correct. Place controller into tray. Align actuators with buttons.

The Nerd: Okay, I get it, you push these little things, and they activate the buttons. That's a little excessive, but whatever... (places device in front of R.O.B.) Alright, R.O.B., you got all your stuff, you're all set. Let's play.

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Insufficient. Must have gyros.

The Nerd: (annoyed) You want a fucking gyro now??? (drops controller and leaves for the kitchen, where he prepares a gyro and wraps it up in aluminum foil, then heads back to the basement) Alright, here's your damn gyro.

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) You idiot, that is not a gyro.

The Nerd: I know, I tried! What, do you want me to go to fucking Greece?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Bottom drawer.

(The Nerd shakes his head in annoyance before opening the drawer again and gets the gyros, A.K.A., spinning tops.)

The Nerd: Okay, so these are the gyros. In other words, spinning tops. They come with a spinner, which takes a D battery. (inserts D battery in spinner) On top of the four AA's you'll need for R.O.B. (inserts 4 AA batteries into R.O.B.)

The Nerd: When you place a gyro on the spinner, it does just that, it spins. Man, does this thing spin. You could probably sharpen a pencil on it.

(finishes setting up R.O.B.)

The Nerd: Now this whole setup is like something Doc Brown or Pee-Wee Herman would use.

The Nerd: (angrily) You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with?!

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Affirmative.

The Nerd: "Affirmative," your ass! Let's play.

The Nerd: So this is how it works. When you want to control R.O.B., you press Start. Now the screen flashes different colors which somehow communicates with R.O.B. through the sensors in his eyes. Creepy. And now, we're finally ready to move that gate.

(R.O.B. moves quite slowly, and the Nerd looks at him with annoyance. R.O.B finally drops a gyro on the button.)

The Nerd: Finally. (notices a Smick approaching) Oh! No, no, no, no, NO! (tries to control R.O.B., but gets killed)

The Nerd: The object of the game is simple: Professor Hector somehow got himself trapped in a room full of dynamite and dinosaurs. Man, he really fucked up.

The Nerd: Supposedly, these dinosaurs or whatever are called Smicks. If you touch them, you die. Unfortunately, Hector cannot jump. He can't even reach out to grab dynamite that's right above his face. This means having to climb up to a higher height and drop down on the dynamite.

The Nerd: He can also pick up radishes. The Smicks happen to love radishes, and will stop at anything to eat them. (They're probably herbivorous dinosaurs.)

The Nerd: If your timing is right, you can use the gates to squish the Smicks. Yeah! But watch out, the same thing can happen to the professor.

The Nerd: The goal is to collect all the dynamite. After that, you advance to the next stage. It's like a classic arcade platformer like Donkey Kong or the original Mario Bros. It could be a fun game, except for having to use a damn robot.

(The Nerd turns off "Gyromite" and removes it from the Nintoaster)

The Nerd: Alright, R.O.B., you wanna play something else? How about LifeForce?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Negative.

The Nerd: Well, then what do you want to play?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Stack-Up.

The Nerd: Stack-Up?

(The Nerd gets "Stack-Up" from the shelf, and notices the weirdness about the game, accompanied by the rock version of the Battletoads (NES) title screen)

The Nerd: (uncertainly) You sure about this, R.O.B.?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Yes. Trust me. It's good.

(The Nerd inserts "Stack-Up" into the Nintoaster and the title screen says "Robot Block" instead of "Stack-Up.")

The Nerd: Robot Block? What's with the alternate titles?

(re-sets up R.O.B. for "Stack-Up," A.K.A., "Robot Block")

The Nerd: The idea is to set up the blocks in a pre-arranged pattern. And yes, that's what they call them, "Blocks". (shows they're the shape of a child toy, of a circle) They're a little bit, um, rounded, I'd say, for blocks.

The Nerd: The goal is to move the blocks from one pattern to the next with as few moves and in as little time as possible. So R.O.B. is a little more functional here than in Gyromite, meaning that this is a physical game where the outcome is determined by how soon you get the blocks to their final destination.

(one of the blocks falls off)

The Nerd: (Exclaims)

The Nerd: When you're done, you press Start. Because there's no way the game actually knows when you win, you can just lie, and keep pressing Start all you want.

The Nerd: It almost doesn't even need to be a video game. The video part is just to control the robot.

Professor Hector: (digitized voice) Down.

The Nerd: By hopping around on different command keys, or programming a preset combination of movements...or by playing Bingo.

Each row corresponds with a R.O.B. movement. When the row is completed, he does that movement.

The Nerd: Why do I have to control a professor in a game to control a robot? Why can't I just control the robot myself? That'd be a lot easier, right? Yeah. A remote control robot. Kids would like that. You'd see 'em sitting on the sidewalks playing with their remote control R.O.B.'s. You just need to bring a TV set outside just to use 'em, that's all.

(R.O.B. knocks the blocks over, and the Nerd claps a hand to his forehead in annoyance, and turns off "Stack-Up," A.K.A., "Robot Block.")

The Nerd: Alright, R.O.B., let's, uh, play something different. Oh, how about Contra?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Negative.

The Nerd: No? Um, how about, uh, Bubble Bobble? That's a great 2-player game.

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Negative.

The Nerd: Well, then what do you wanna play?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Gyromite.

The Nerd: Gyromite? Well, we already played that. Let's pick something different.

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Stack-Up.

The Nerd: Th-those can't be the only two games you play. How about Double Dragon II or Dr. Mario? Family Feud?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Does not compute. Must be Gyromite or Stack-Up.

The Nerd: (angrily) Oh, come on, R.O.B., you come over and all you want to play are the same two games? Look, I've got this whole shelf, both sides, nearly 800 NES games--

R.O.B.: (throws "Gyromite" at the Nerd) (robotic voice) Gyromite, (throws "Stack-Up" at the Nerd) or Stack-Up. (the Nerd rubs his cheek in pain, then looks at R.O.B. angrily)

(A montage of the Nerd playing "Stack-Up" is shown. Then, a clip of the Nerd playing "Gyromite" is shown.)

The Nerd: Oh, no, no, no, no-- (Professor Hector dies) (Growling) Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! (Professor Hector dies again) (Exclaims) Fucking Smick's a dick!

(Fade to a different clip. The gyro falls off as soon as it's dropped.)

The Nerd: (moans) Oh, fuck...

(A clip of the Nerd playing "Stack-Up" again is shown.)

The Nerd: Knock it the fuck off... No, don't knock it off! (the blocks fall off)

(A clip of the Nerd playing "Gyromite" again is shown)

(The gyro stops spinning and falls off the actuator)

The Nerd: Oh, no, no, no, NO!

(Professor Hector gets squashed)

The Nerd (Growling) WHAT THE FUCK?! (he switches places with R.O.B.) You know what? You be the first player! Yeah, let's see how you like it!

(The Nerd mimics R.O.B.'s motions.)

The Nerd: Yeah, ain't that fun? How do you like that? You robo-fuckazoid piece of shit!

(throws a gyro at R.O.B., knocking him over)

The Nerd: To Hell with R.O.B., I'm playing by myself. Man, all because you need two controllers, you know what? I'll just play with my feet.

(The Nerd presses his feet on the red and blue buttons)

The Nerd: Yeah, that works pretty good. Or, wait, better yet.

(The Nerd takes two NES controllers, and puts them together so that Player 1's controller has the D-pad, Select, and Start, and Player 2's controller has A and B.)

The Nerd: Yeah, you like my new invention? I call it the "Gyromite controller". Plays Gyromite. Wait a minute, I got a better idea. How about play a different fucking game?

(The Nerd gets up to get a different game, but R.O.B. reacts by flashing his eyes. The Nerd notices he's now holding a copy of "Stack-Up." He places it back and selects something else, only to notice that he's now holding a copy of "Gyromite." He notices that the entire side of the shelf has been turned into either "Gyromite" or "Stack-Up." The Nerd backs away in horror. R.O.B. gets up and jumps onto the couch, and the Nerd notices him.)

The Nerd: You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!

(R.O.B. possesses all of the video game controllers, similar to the "Super Mario Bros. 3" and "The Wizard" Review where the Devil controlled all of the Nerd's gaming systems)

The Nerd: (backs away in fear) Oh, my God!

(R.O.B. shoots a fireball out of the now-possessed television that hits the Nerd, which causes him to make the Mario doll fall to the floor, and R.O.B. manipulates various controllers to tie the Nerd down into place.)

The Nerd: Bastard! Swine!

(R.O.B starts beating the Nerd as he spits out blood, and then jumps on the futon, and flashes his eyes to somehow turn all of the games in the room into either "Gyromite" or "Stack-Up," and the Nerd is shocked.)

The Nerd: (weakly) What have you done?

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Prime objective, eliminate all games that don't meet criteria. Criteria equals Gyromite and Stack-Up. Prime objective complete. No more inferior games; no more long passwords, (shows "Metal Gear" for the NES) no more annoying music, (shows "Super Pitfall" on NES) no more despicable controls, (shows "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" on SNES) no more barf-inducing graphics, (shows "Action 52" on NES)no more useless weapons, (shows "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde") like before. In 1983, the video game market was over-saturated with inferior games, all the product of human imperfection. The video game crash left many game companies bankrupt. A prophecy was told that a hero would rise from the ashes. A robot warrior, that is I.

The Nerd: (trying to grab the Mario doll that fell to the floor) Oh, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Nintendo made video games awesome again, for the most part. But I don't think Nintendo's success had anything to do with you!

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) Be quiet. You are a biological unit with insufficient intellect to make that determination.

The Nerd: You're no hero. (reaches for the Mario doll that fell to the floor and grabs it) This is my hero! (The Nerd starts beating up R.O.B. with the Mario doll. R.O.B. knocks the Mario doll out of the Nerd's hand. As R.O.B. picks up the Mario doll, the Nerd notices the battery case cover exposed.) Batteries! (the Nerd tries reaching for it, but R.O.B. crushes his fingers against the floor.) OW! (R.O.B. throws the Mario doll to the floor and destroys it.)

R.O.B.: (robotic voice) You will be terminated.

(R.O.B. uses the controllers to electrocute the Nerd and shoots lasers at him, causing him to violently hurl blood until he collapses, unconscious. After that, R.O.B. touches the TV that he possessed to grow to a giant size, and starts destroying New Jersey. The camera zooms in on the unconscious Nerd, then fades out.)

(Fade in to a black-and-white video clip montage of several previous Angry Video Game Nerd episodes. Each is presented when the Nerd narrates.)

The Nerd: No more shitty games? No more... Karate Kid? No more Top Gun? No more Ghostbusters? No more Fester's Quest? (takes a deep sigh) No more Virtual Boy? No more Dick Tracy? No more...Little Red Hood? No more... Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

(A scene from the Nerd's very first on-camera appearance is shown.)

The Nerd: (suddenly furious) I won't fucking HAVE IT!

(The camera goes back to the Nerd, who has now regained consciousness, as he grabs the Power Glove, the Konami LaserScope, the Power Pad, the U-Force, and the Super Scope. Now in the superhero costume consisting of those, the Nerd touches the TV to grow to a larger size, then jumps out into New Jersey as R.O.B. notices, the Nerd gives R.O.B. the bird, and they begin fighting. R.O.B. fires lasers at the Nerd. The Nerd then dodges the lasers and gets hit by a laser blast.)

The Nerd: Oh, that's the way you want it, that's the way you're gonna get it!

(R.O.B. shoots lasers out of his eyes, but the Nerd reflects it with the U-Force, causing it to hit R.O.B.)

The Nerd: (Grunts loudly) Motherfucker!

(The Nerd makes R.O.B. fall down, shoots R.O.B.'s battery case open, and uses his Konami LaserScope to shoot the batteries out, which destroys R.O.B.)

The Nerd: YEAH!

(The games turn back into what they were before, as the ending theme of "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" begins to play. Games seen include "Street Fighter 2010," "Batman: Return of the Joker," "Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle," "Back to the Future II and III," "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure," "Fester's Quest," for the NES, "The Wizard of Oz," "Wayne's World" for the SNES, and "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" for the NES. The Nerd re-enters his house, in normal form, and looks at his game collection. He then grabs a stack of video games and hugs them, indicating he is happy to have his games back where they should be. The episode ends with the camera panning into the game cover of "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest", which was the first game review the Nerd did, before the screen fades to black and the credits roll.)

Trivia

  • The Nerd probably ate the gyro when he confused the gyros that are needed to play "Gyromite" as the food.

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