The Nerd: The Magnavox Odyssey was released in 1972 making it the world's first home video game console. So when it comes to going back to the past...you can't go back much more than this.
The Nerd: Look at this thing; looks like a spaceship. What's the top for? The controllers are even stranger. You get a reset button, and two knobs on the sides; one to move vertical, and one to move horizontal, and then one more to do God know's what. But tell me, how're you supposed to hold these things, or do you just put them on a table? The wires are bulky, and not flexible at all. They're short, too. If you're sitting on your couch, the wires don't reach. However, the wire that connects the console to the TV is long as shit.
The Nerd: Alright, I guess you're supposed to play with it on your lap, or on the floor. Alright, now we're ready to play some Odyssey. Oh, of course, I forgot one thing. We need a game. These are the games. Pretty elaborate right? The titles are the best part. Like, what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe Wrecking Crew on the NES, or After Burner on the Sega Master System, or how about Game #1 on the Odyssey. There's no power button, When you put the game in, the console starts up. Pretty efficient I guess, but half the time, it doesn't work. You got to keep fucking around 'til the picture comes in. And after that, what do you get? Just a dot, or a dash, whatever the fuck you want to call it.
The Nerd: The only thing we need now is someone to play with. Sorry, but these are 2-player games, so, I really don't have much of a choice. Alright, come on out. This...is the Nerdy Turd.
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: I cloned him from my own shit. Alright, Nerdy Turd, you ready to play some Odyssey?
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises and picks up the controller)
The Nerd: You bet your ass you are. Alright, where you at? Oh, there you are! Woah! There you are! Woaaaah! Woaaaaaaaaaaah!! Woaaaaah!! Woaaah!! Ahhh!! Let's play hide and seek. Alright, I won't look. OK, hide somewhere.
(Nerdy Turd hides)
The Nerd: You ready? OK. Alright, are you here?
(Nerdy Turd makes farting noise)
The Nerd: Oh, I was close! What're you doing? Oh, I get it, it's like taking a shit. Let me try. (the Nerd makes it come out like shit) Ah!!! Let's both do it, like, go with me, so it's like the shit's getting thinner as it comes out. (they both do it at the same time) Ah!!! It broke off! Let's make a popsicle. Yeah! It's a popsicle! You're raping me, you're raping me! Let's just go all over. Woooooo, wooooo!!!!! Man, people in 1972 must have been bored out of their minds. You really got to use your imagination, because the Odyssey doesn't have sound. And when you think about it, it doesn't have graphics, either.
The Nerd: Yeah, check out all this stuff the comes with the system. You have chips, cards, dice, a scoreboard, and most important, the overlays. This is the substitute for graphics. They come in two different sizes, depending on which kind of screen you have. The games themselves are all the same thing, just two dots on the screen. But they're all programmed slightly different. The instruction manual is absolutely imperative, because without it, you wouldn't know the right combination, which game and which overlay.
The Nerd: Let's try some Tennis. You just stick this son-of-a-bitch on the screen here, and you're all set! Now isn't that exciting?
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Yeah, you just got to make your own sound effects. (the Nerd makes sound effects) You can cheat, too. If you turn this little knob here, you can steer the ball. Yeah, that's not fair, is it? We're playing dirty now, motherfucker! When, in a tennis game, would the ball fly around somebody? It's surreal, because you can move wherever you want. It's not like you have to stay on your side of the net. So, the players have to keep their own rules and their own score. That's right, the game doesn't even keep score! It's a fucking free-for-all!
The Nerd: Now let's try this Skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes. And with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the lines, and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now that is what you'd call, "A desperate attempt at a video game."
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Now we have Simon Says. You just do what the card says, and see who gets there first. Simon says, "Go to the wrist." Simon says, "Go to the pet's ear." Now this is some A-Class entertainment. Look, it's the dog's tongue. (the Nerd makes panting noises) Oh, look, he's got a nuclear boner! Nuclear boner! She's giving birth to a solar baby. Here it comes! (the Nerdy Turd and the Nerd make fart noises)
The Nerd: It's time for Football, and all I can say about this one is that for the first football game on a home video game console, it's fucking horrible! There's a board, a football marker, and pages of instructions to explain it all. You gotta do all kinds of math, calculate the wind and shit. So, to Hell with that!
The Nerd: Hockey. This one's more fun. You just try to drive the puck into the opponent's net. If you keep tapping the reset button, you can change direction. Anything goes in this game. Gotta keep it away from the net! Keep it away from the--ugggh!!! You bastard!
The Nerd: This one's called Analogic. (pronounces it "Anal-logic") Yeah, that sounds fun, it's like the logic of your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and Myanus. The idea is to get to the other player's planet by following a pattern of numbers. You figure out the patterns by adding the numbers of the last player's move into some fucking math equation. It might sound like a complete waste of time, but that's because it is.
The Nerd: Cat and Mouse. In this game, one player's the cat, and the other player's the mouse. The cat tries to catch the mouse, and the mouse tries to get to the hole. The blue squares are supposed to be furniture, so you're supposed to have to go around. But there's nothing preventing you from passing through, so naturally, both players are gonna end up cheating. Besides, why can't the furniture look like furniture, and the hole look like a hole? Instead, they're visual representations of what they may have looked like if this game had graphics. But it's an overlay; draw some fucking furniture.
(the Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Next is Haunted House, the first horror game. You're a detective going around picking up clues. The second player draws the cards telling you what clue to get. Also, the second player is hiding as the ghost.
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Oh, there you are! No matter how many times I've read the instructions, I just don't get it.
The Nerd: Submarine. Player 2 has to follow a squiggly line, and dodge torpedoes fired by player 1. But the torpedo never seems to go in the direction that it should. And whether or not player one is supposed to move, I can't even say. It's just, you know.
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Yeah. States. OK, this one is just a name that state game. You draw a card, you move the cursor on a state. But, what about the little states? How're you supposed to point at them? I guess you could just point with your finger. This doesn't need to be a video game in any way. I also love how the instruction book tells you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there. Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Last game, Roulette. For this one you get out the Roulette board, you get out the chips and you play Roulette. The wheel is the overlay. Whoever spins the wheel just closes their eyes, moves the cursor all over the place and then you just look at where it landed. If it goes off the wheel, which is does often, you line it up to the nearest number. But most of the time, it just goes off the screen, so you're never sure where it landed. If you want to play Roulette without blowing money on the casinos, then get yourself a Roulette mat and a wheel. A wheel and a ball is all you need. Not a sheet of plastic with a glowing square on your TV screen. In conclusion, it just...
(Nerdy Turd makes fart noises)
The Nerd: Yeah, you said it. "Primitive" isn't even the word, it barely qualifies as a video game. Master Shake would say, "It's like if I want to play Tetris, I'd draw it in a flip book and animate it!" You might as well be playing with rocks. But to be fair, the Odyssey lived up to it's name. An odyssey being a long and eventful journey. It truly was, for the first video game console, we went skiing, played tennis, went around the world, went to the casinos, went to outer space, submarines, cats and mice, and a haunted house. But there's one thing that makes it badass, check this out.
The Nerd: This is the Odyssey Gun. But let's talk about guns. You're all familiar with the Nintendo Zapper, right? Originally, it was grey, but later, they changed it to orange. It's pretty clear that video game and toy manufacturers have become more sensitive. They don't want to give kids something that looks like a gun. Remember Megatron? He transformed into a gun. But later, they gave that orange tip at the end, and then, he didn't even change into a gun at all. So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like.
(the Nerd opens up the box accompanied by the boot-up theme to "Donkey Kong Country 2" for the Super NES)
The Nerd: Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you call a gun! I mean look at it, it's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... (exhales in disbelief) It ju-it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! (expresses awesomeness and happiness) Let's try it out!! (The "Contra" level completed music is used, as the Nerd hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen as the "Super C" Game Over theme plays with the Nerdy Turd appearing and making fart noises)
(During the ending credits, the Nerdy Turd makes farting noises, accompanied by the Level 1 Music from "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game," for the NES)