(There is a lot of magazines lying around the floor and all of a sudden, the Nerd surprisingly appears like a screamer)
The Nerd: ASS!!!
(The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Song)
(Shots of Kyle Justin, his guitar, and the Nerd reading Nintendo Power)
Kyle Justin: ♪ Get the power. Nintendo Power. Get the clues that you can use. Nintendo Power. Higher and higher. Fighting your way through enemy fire! ♪
(The Nerd eats magazine and blows up Earth and Milky Way.)
The Nerd: It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not going mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's going to be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breaking their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!
When it landed in my mailbox, Issue 1 was the most mind-blowing thing I've ever seen. Just opening up a page to a map of Metroid, it was so helpful. That game made you feel like a rat in a maze! Then, there was this Super Mario Bros. unlimited 1-up trick, the famous Contra code that gets you 30 extra lives, and how to skip to Zelda's Second Quest. All in this groundbreaking issue, from front cover to back, it is absolute classic.
One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a bunch of nerds showing off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fucking clue what it looks like. And, there could be 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fucking shit! So, Nintendo Power printed out some guideline that's basically saying, "Look, dumb shits. This is how you're supposed to do it." And, if my game said "Cheese!", I'd think I'd shit my pants. And, if I was wearing that, I'd have problems.
Nothing brings back memories like breezing through an issue of Nintendo Power. Remember when the Nintendo 64 was the Nintendo Ultra 64? Remember when the piece-of-shit Virtual Boy was called the VR32? Remember the NES Satellite, or the SNES Catapult? Remember Star Fox 2, The game that never saw the light of day? Remember reading all about the new shows coming out like Captain N and the Super Mario Bros. Super Show? Remember the shitty movie The Wizard and that fucking dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember reading about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie, but, it was just like waiting for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. (Raspberry)
Another thing powerful about this magazine was the power to know what games were coming out. But only if we could read between the lines, we could know how shitty they'd be. This one says, "In-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania." This one says Back to the Future has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting "timer." Wow, they knew it was bad.
Another classic section was the Top 30 in which they'd list the most popular Nintendo games. I don't know what Ninja Turtles was doing at number 1 for so damn long. But anyway, it was only NES for a while, but then, they started doing the Top SNES and Game Boy games. They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy. That's just hilarious because that's almost the whole library of games for that fucking piece of shit!
The covers were always exciting to look forward to. This one gave kids nightmares and parents complained. I thought it was awesome. And, I never noticed that face in the background until today. This one's cool because it's an owl and owls are cool. But, this one really sucks. Why's it all gray? I mean, what the fuck kind of cover is this? (Flips open the grey dust jacket to find the real cover page) Oh. Well, what the fuck?
The illustrations were awesome, too. Even if I didn't have the game, it was fun just looking at the pictures. Here's a page of Clash at Demonhead. Just a nice page, everything's fine, but then, there's something that bothered me. What's this? He's flipping the bird, he's giving the finger, and I'm not making this up! Oh, this one's kind of intimidating. I mean, what's Dracula's problem? (Tries to do Dracula's impression while the "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" nighttime music plays)
Speaking of illustrations, there were also the comics. Howard & Nester were classic. Usually, they relate to a new game that was coming out, like this one's about Castlevania II. It even makes mention of that weird tornado thing. There's also a Tetris comic, Battletoads, Zelda, Mario, Star Fox, Metroid, Shadows of the Empire, and Killer Instinct.
The ads were kinda weird. This kid better be careful not to get those games wet. Actually, those games suck ass. Throw them to the sharks. Wow, there you go, huddle around the phone. Charge your parents' phone bill up the ass. "Unmask the power animal in you!" Uh-oh, here we go. "And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!" Holy shit! Will it make me grow claws like that? You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flying a Jeep through space going apeshit with Nintendo controllers. This one's so weird; somebody actually wrote a letter asking, "Did you really freeze a Super Nintendo? I'd love to know." The answer: "Ah, Jay, the wonders of special effects and photographic tricks! The answer that you're looking for is 'No.' The block of ice is actually just a plastic shell. It's way cool though, huh?"
As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fucking disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holding a log of shit. (It's actually meatloaf.) God-damn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (The Nerd skims through the Nintendo Power magazine, then pretends to vomit inside of his "barf bag," which is actually a McDonald's Happy Meal to-go bag.)
Each issue always came with a poster. As you can see, I still have them on my walls. But, each one represents frustration. Getting these things out without ripping the fuck out of the poster is just a real shitsucker. (accidentally rips poster) Aw, fuck! Aw, shit. (accidentally rips poster) Fuck. Eventually, they started putting staples in the posters. (rips poster) FUCK! (tries getting the staple out of the poster but accidentally rips the poster) Piece of shit!
Besides the posters, there's a lot of stupid shit like this Donkey Kong iron-on t-shirt. (The Nerd tries to iron it on, but with no success.) This... weird scratch-n'-sniff EarthBound thing. (He scratches, then sniffs.) AUUUGGGHHH!!! IT STINKS! Then, there's also these cards in the back. I mean, what's the point? Star Fox looks fucking pissed. Speaking of Star Fox, there's also this fighter jet cut-out model. (He cuts the pieces out, but doesn't know how to put it together.) Then, there's these magic eye pictures. You're supposed to stare at this thing and see Mario or something. I don't see shit.
There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Ted's phone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fucking made, unless you count Son of the Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later. And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?
And then, there's this prize. It's just plain weird. "Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a tropical paradise, surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back-" Well, not if it's erupting, like in the picture! It's tropical, dude! Here's the sun. I really don't see the sun. That’s fun- oh, so, that's where the fun is? Right there? Surf? Uh, okay. You? You're right there? Okay. Sand? Well, that is definitely sand. And trees? Uh, yep. There are trees all over the place.
There was also a contest to design enemies for future Mega Man games. Some of the entries included Balloon Man, Sun Man, Yo-Yo Man, Spring Man, Magic Man, Clock Man, Whip Man, Spook Man, and Clown Man. The only two female characters were Mega Woman and Mega Girl. Then there's Weaseletta and Terror Teddy. What the fuck?
Nintendo Power was great, but as it went on, they made some dumb decisions. It was nice when the spines were all numbered, so I can easily organize all the issues, but then, what the fuck? That's so inconvenient, and, some of them didn't even have the number on the front cover. You had to open it and find out. Then, they came back to their senses and brought the spines back. With a picture of Mario. Way to go. Above and beyond.
So, let's read some letters. Here, somebody asks, “Do your Nintendo tapes really last five years? Does it matter if you set them on chairs or if you put the controllers on the floor?" Heh. Here, somebody sent in their recipe for Mike Tyson's punch. Oh, that's funny. Oh, and, oh, my God! Here we go! We got a Zelda rap. (rapping with the rap music) It's the Legend of Zelda and it's really bad, the creatures in the game are really rad. This sounds familiar. Alright, now we've got some Mario jokes. "Why did Mario cross the road? Because he couldn't find a warp zone." "What kind of fish would dare to attack Mario? A Barakoopa." "How does Mario know what will happen in the future? He uses a Luigi board." Aw. Alright, now, we got some Zelda jokes. "How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used his Hookshot." "What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce." "What did Link say to Ganon when he captured Zelda? Leever alone!" Okay, here's a really weird one. "If Mario Paint has 41,664 dots available <judging from page 112 of the Mario Paint Player's Guide>, and 15 different colors to choose from, then did you know that there are a total of 1,978,857,121,979,410,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 different possible images to create on a single page? That's a lot, eh? Just thought I'd tell you." "Uh, thanks, Ian. That's certainly some useful information."
Now, we got some complaints. "The game I purchased that was completely different than I expected was Rambo for the NES. I saw him firing a machine gun on the package and it looked really cool, so I bought it. When I got home, I started to play the game. It was boring. All you could do was walk around and fight with a knife. The only enemies I met were spiders, gorillas, bugs, et cetera." Tell me about it. We'll get to that one sometime. Oh, oh, here we go. "I once bought a game from a friend called Fester's Quest. I was expecting a great game after reading about it in Nintendo Power. But, even with the magazine at my side, it took me 2 1/2 hours to make it to the 1st boss and another 2 to make it to the 2nd." You want to know about Fester's Quest? Next time.
Oh, here's a good complaint. "So, nice names, guys! Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, PilotWings 64, Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on! Yeeeeeesh! I'm not really mad, but I think you guys could at least put some effort into the names of the games." He totally has a good point. But, here's the response: "So, you're saying you wouldn't be in favor of our plan to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?" Wow, what an asshole. "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!"
Kyle Justin: ♪ Get the power. Nintendo Power. Get the clues that you can use. Nintendo Power. Higher and higher. Fighting your way through enemy fire. ♪
(different shots are used while Kyle Justin sings Nintendo Power)