(title card appears accompanied by the Ninja Gaiden Stage 2-2, Stage 4-1 music.)
The Nerd: You got a game and a controller; that's the way it goes. But sometimes that wasn't enough. Nintendo was always coming up with creative and unique ways to play games. Today, there's the Wii and the DS stylus pen. But even in the early days with the NES, they were doing the same kind of thing. Some of them were pretty awesome at the time, but others were failed experiments that made you look like a jackass. So let's take a look at some of the NES accessories. I already talked about the Power Glove, we all know it's bad, so bad.
The Nerd: Let's start with the Zapper. Back then we just called it "the gun", because that's what it is. There's nothing more satisfying than just shooting the fuck out of things. It was the quintessential gaming accessory. Almost every console had their own version of "the gun". Only problem: It doesn't work so great anymore. Depends on the game, the kind of TV you're using, and the gun itself. I have three of them. The first one is completely random: sometimes it makes its target, but most of the time, it doesn't.
(The dog laughs after the duck is missed in Duck Hunt)
The Nerd: The second one has a pattern, every other round it, like, goes dead. So here comes the two clay pigeons, I shoot 'em, no problem. Then, the next ones come out... I can't hit 'em, even if I press the thing against the screen. The third Zapper has the same problem, except that the pattern's swapped. What the fuck is going on? Even the alleged light bulb trick doesn't work. Here, we have Wild Gunman. What, you gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy.
(the Nerd plays a bunch of shooting games, then plays Duck Hunt with his cat on the TV, swatting at the ducks)
The Nerd: (to his cat) Hey, get down!
(the cat continues to chase the ducks on the TV until they fly away. The dog from Duck Hunt comes up to laugh at the Nerd, while the Nerd puts the gun to the screen to shoot the dog.)
The Nerd: The Super Nintendo also had its own gun; more like a big-ass bazooka: the Super Scope. If you're familiar with the Zapper, this one's a totally different story. The Zapper used light detection, that is when you pull the trigger, the screen goes black for a fraction of a second and the targets become white squares. The Zapper detects whether or not it's pointing at the light, hence the term "light gun" that everybody likes to call it. But the Super Scope uses a sensor that you plug into the Super Nintendo, much like the Wii and its Wii Zapper.
The Nerd: Another thing about the Super Scope is that it isn't powered by the NES; it's wireless, which you'd think would be cool, but that means that you gotta use six double-A batteries, and this fucking beast drains 'em in a few hours. And why's the trigger on the top? It should be down here. This is balls. You'd think the Super Scope would be more reliable than the original Zapper, but it's not.
The Nerd: Even if I point the gun in the same spot, the bullets just scatter all over the place. All because I'm using a flat-screen TV.
The Nerd: Now let's look at the Miracle Piano. It's a miracle if I could figure this shit out. You might be thinking, "Wow, Nintendo had a piano?" Well, yeah, Nintendo had everything, but it was also available on other game consoles and home computers. It's got one game, which is basically a piano teaching tool. It's actually not bad.
The Nerd: Well, that's really all there is to say. My only complaint is that the music comes from the keyboard, which is okay, but the metronome comes from the TV, and that can be a little confusing.
The Nerd: Other than having standard lessons, you also get this robot game. Play the song right, or the robot dies. Then there's a duck game, you gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on!
(the Nerd starts to mess the song notes up, and then starts banging on the piano keys)
The Nerd: Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
(The Nerd continues banging on the piano keys)
The Nerd: Next, we have the Power Pad. You lay it on the floor, kinda like Twister. Let's pop in good old World Class Track Meet, and have a race, jump hurdles, and do the long jump or triple jump. The present-day equivalent of the Power Pad is Dance Dance Revolution, and there will also be a version on the Wii.
The Nerd: It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room, and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear, like, all this thumping and shit; they hated it! Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.
(the Nerd plays World Class Track Meet, gradually growing tired and out of breath)
The Nerd: Fuck this!
(the Nerd falls to the floor and starts slapping the buttons rapidly with his hands until he wins, and is exhausted and takes a deep breath.)
The Nerd: Yeah, it all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory, probably the stupidest thing ever invented: the SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic! You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't want to hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? (reading from the SpeedBoards box) To "put the speed at your fingers"?! Why in the ass would I need that?!
(shows gameplay footage from the NES Ghostbusters)
The Nerd: If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller like the NES Max or NES Advantage. How could they even SELL such a thing? Even though it's made by a third-party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
The Nerd: Next up, oh boy: the Konami LaserScope. Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire"!
The Nerd: (he shouts "FIRE!" seventeen times in a row to shoot with the game Laser Invasion) It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module... yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head.
The Nerd: It also advertises that "parents will love what they don't hear". It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non-players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone, or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah, while you're saying "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Fuck!
(the game shoots)
The Nerd: I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!"
(the game shoots again)
The Nerd: FUCK! FUCK-FIRE! FUCK! FUCK! ASS! You can say anything. SHIT! BITCH! CUNT! FUCK! FART!
(the game shoots as he swears)
(the Nerd plays Duck Hunt with the LaserScope)
The Nerd: FUCK!
The Nerd: (chuckles) Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck."
(the Duck Hunt dog shows a dead duck.)
The Nerd: Next is the Roll & Rocker. This thing is the biggest shit-biscuit I've ever seen. You stand on it and supposedly you rock back and forth, which controls the D-Pad. The modern-day equivalent would be the Wii Fit.
The Nerd: The Roll & Rocker is supposed to be compatible with every game for the NES, but I find that it isn't compatible with any of 'em. Each game responds differently, but none of them work. Adventure Island keeps walking right, Excitebike keeps going down, Skate or Die goes in circles, Kung Fu ducks to the right, Metal Gear does nothing at all, Ninja Turtles III walks in place, and 1943 just fidgets around a lot.
The Nerd: It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?!
(the Nerd takes a closer look at the back to find it's made by LJN, the company notorious for publishing awful NES games.)
The Nerd: (quietly but angrily) Son-of-a-bitch. (normally) Well, we might as well try a LJN game. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Let's see if this works.
(Beetlejuice just walks in place)
The Nerd: No, of course not, it doesn't. It doesn't work, it just doesn't work. I need a beer.
(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock and discovers something that amazes him.)
The Nerd: I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ON the Roll & Rocker!
(the Nerd drinks more Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: I've also heard that you can't weigh more than a hundred pounds, but I still don't understand why I can't get any kind of response out of it. (The Nerd kicks the Roll & Rocker out of sight) Let's try the cat. (Puts the cat on the Roll & Rocker) Get on there, you little bastard.
(the cat stays on the Roll & Rocker for awhile, then walks off)
The Nerd: (scoffs) Cat's like, "Fuck that shit!" Even though the Roll & Rocker does absolutely nothing, the B and A buttons still work. Yeah. You plug the regular controller into it, so while you're standing on the thing, you still use the B and A buttons like normal. So even if it did work, what's the point?! If I'm holding the controller anyway, why not just use the controller?!
The Nerd: It blows my mind! It's like, "What were they thinking?!"
The Nerd: One more: the U-Force. So hot, nothing can touch it. Nothing comes between you and the game. That's what the advertisement said. You open the thing up, it basically looks like Electronic Battleship. It's got a 3-Dimensional invisible power field. Wow, a power field? Now, we're literally playing with power.
(the Nerd plays Super Mario Bros.)
The Nerd: Come on, jump. Jump! Come on, Mario, jump! God, how do I jump? Come on, jump!
The Nerd: ASS!
The Nerd: Oh, jump is over here, alright here we go.
The Nerd: Get the mushroom--(exclaims) Aw, now that's ass-y! Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot, I guess you could say I'm an ass-aholic.
The Nerd: Let's try Kung Fu. Yeah, I'm honestly surprised, this thing kinda works. Looking at the instructions, each game has a specific set-up and a switch combination, kinda like the codes with the Power Glove.
Punch-Out!! uses an upright position and a Power Bar. Everything's always power. What's so power about it? It's only a plastic bar, and why do you need it?
(the Nerd plays Punch Out!!)
The Nerd: Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about, this actually works! I'm punchin' somebody with the U-Force! Oh, watch out! (Exclaims) (Little Mac gets knocked down) Get up, get up, get up! Alright.
The Nerd: Alright. One more game. I can't believe we gotta touch this one again.
(the Nerd flashes Top Gun for the NES)
The Nerd: Top Gun has an option of using this weird joystick thing. I don't see the point when I can just use an actual joystick, and what's really weird is that this thing is, again, is just a piece of plastic. It doesn't have any wires connecting to it, you just plant it there. And the buttons actually work, and it steers okay, too. To tell you the truth, I'm stunned.
(The Nerd gets to the dreaded landing sequence, confident that he'll be able to successfully land the plane with the U-Force. He tries to and after about 50 seconds, just when he thinks he's finally landed the plane, it goes over the aircraft carrier and blows up in the water! BOOM!)
The Nerd: (Yells) ASS!
(Shows Top Gun Game Over screen)
The Nerd: So, that covers most of the dreaded NES accessories. But, I know that there's one in particular that I didn't mention, (R.O.B. peeps up behind the Nerd briefly as he speaks.) but, you know, can't do it all in one shot. So, we'll save it 'til later, I'll see you next time, (puts on Indiana Jones' signature fedora.) I think you know what's next.