The Nerd: If they move, kill them! Yeah, shoot them! Shoot them! That's what you do, kill everybody on the screen! Don't let anybody live! That's what games were all about. You see somebody, you pump their motherfucking ass full of lead!
The Nerd: But then along came a game on the Japanese home computer, the MSX2. It was called Metal Gear and it was a fresh new idea. It was about survival rather than blunt force. Instead of running up and killing everybody, it was all about getting by undetected. It was an epic revolutionary idea and it paved the way for the stealth genre. Snake would become one of the classic video game characters and of course was one of the most popular names of the 80's next to Michael. I always think of Snake from Escape from New York or the wrestler Jake the Snake. And his full name is "Solid Snake"? Might as well just be "Erect Cock".
The Nerd: There were so many sequels it gets confusing, maybe even "Chronologically Confusing". There was Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid and Metal Gear Solid 2. Couldn't they have come up with a title that sounded different? Like, which one's the real 2?
The Nerd: Well, if you want to get technical the first sequel was Snake's Revenge, but that was only a sequel to the NES version. The original game's developer, Hideo Kojima, wasn't involved in either of the NES versions, so Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake was the first true sequel. But again it was on the MSX2, so unless you lived in Japan, chances are you weren't aware of it at the time. Metal Gear Solid was basically the third in the series, but it was the first one most people played because it was on the PlayStation. It was also the first one to utilize 3D environments, first-person views and cinematic elements. Today, there's so many Metal Gear Solid sequels and so many versions of each game, it's out of control.
The Nerd: The point is today Metal Gear is a franchise. But forget about all that just for one moment. Pretend that it's 1988 and we don't live in Japan. To our knowledge, the only game is Metal Gear on the NES. I remember renting it from the video store and thinking "Wow, that looks pretty cool." But there was something about the cover that was really familiar, which I never realized 'til now. It's Kyle Reese from The Terminator. Yeah, without a doubt. It also has the fastest title screen in video game history. Watch how long it stays. (The title screen quickly disappears) Then it goes to the demo. Seriously, it's only up there for 2 seconds, I'll time it. (The Nerd times it 00:02:02) There we go, 2 seconds. It's like the game's saying "Oh, well you're not gonna push Start? Well, fuck you, then!"
The Nerd: So you drop from a parachute and who the hell are these other 3 guys? I don't even know if you ever see them again. Then you get a briefing from your boss. It says "First, attempt to contact missing our "Grey Fox"." Great, there's a typo on the first message. [Technically not; it's spelled "grey" in most other parts of the world.] So then you walk over, and you could just go up and fight this guy, or wait for him to fall asleep. Or feel asleep. I guess if he feels asleep, that's good enough. But even then when you go near him he just wakes up, so what's the difference? Then there's all these dogs. Your first instinct is to sneak by, but look at this! I can't fucking go through! (stutters) What's blocking me?! If you really weren't intended to fit through, couldn't they have put these jeeps closer to the grass? You can only move along a grid so basically you can't go near anything. Bad game design at its finest.
The Nerd: So I punch out all these dogs and then I just go to the next screen, just keep walking down, walking down- (The dogs respawn) Oh, fuck. What was the point of that? You know what the point was? To waste my fucking time. Now the dogs are back? Of course, it's the classic respawning enemy bullshit. So I gotta punch the fucking dogs again, and y'know, who goes around punching dogs? Alright, come on, you mother-bitch, come on! (Grunts) Damn it! Alright now I'm gonna get in this truck here. Wow this truck's the size of a fucking house. And it doesn't make any sense, you stay the same size so how does the truck get bigger? Oh well, whatever, what's this? Binoculars? Alright, gonna go back out here...
(An enemy respawns and shoots him once he gets out of the truck!)
The Nerd: The fuck?! That was ridiculous! The enemies respawn if you go in the truck! It's not like I left the screen, it was just a sub-area. And once you're out of the truck, you're immediately open to enemy fire. That is so fucking cheap! You wanna play dirty? OK, you fucking goddamn piece of shit.
The Nerd: The one thing that's cool I still have my binoculars so I don't gotta go in that truck again. Just gonna punch this motherfucker, die! Asshole. Go to the select screen here, choose the binoculars. OK, so let's try them out. Alright, I'm using the D-Pad, looks like I'm scanning the environment. Just a little handy way to see what lies ahead, I suppose. Now I'm going back to the select screen to turn it off. OK...
(The enemy respawns once he turns off the binoculars!)
The Nerd: WHAT?! You son of a bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch, or were the game designers deliberately trying to be FUCKING ASSHOLES?! Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea on it!"
The Nerd: Now, where the fuck am I? It's the same screen being repeated. Is it like in Zelda where you have to go northwest-southwest? But no you just go down. Whenever you go left or right, it just takes you back to the same spot. Then let me ask a perfectly legit question: What were they thinking?! Why not just have one path? Thanks for tricking me into thinking I'm going somewhere when I'm really not. Alright, you bastard. Com-
(He gets a Game Over, and he is sent back to the start)
The Nerd: Fuck! Oh my God. I gotta go back to the beginning every time? Are there any checkpoints? Am I ever going to get to continue? And where's my fucking gun? Is that all I get, just my fists? Oh, I have a pack of cigarettes too. Wow, hey kids, smoke up.
The Nerd: The menu sucks. Check it out - this is how it works. Select brings up the main menu, now Select does nothing. B goes back to the game, and A chooses a sub-menu. Now Select goes back to the game, and B now does nothing and A chooses the items. It's so inconsistent. Until you get used to it, it takes too fucking long to navigate!
The Nerd: I'm not trying to find flaws with this game, this is honestly how I felt the first time playing this 20 years ago. I hated it. I wanted to know two things. When do I get a gun, when do I get to continue? I kept dying over and over again, and seeing that first screen so many times left a permanent mental image in my brain for the rest of my life. But once you learn how to get by you go into the first building, and soon enough you get the gun. Once that happens, the game gets a lot easier, but still, every time you die you go back to the fucking beginning. But like I said, you get to keep your weapons, so once you have the gun you're all set. And some of the trucks drive you around, kind of like a Warp Zone. But you have no control over it. You step into a random truck and off you go. "Uh-oh! The truck have started to move!" Man, these translations suck. Couldn't they get anyone to proofread this shitload of fuck?! Anyway each time I play I seem to get one step further.
The Nerd: But there's always going to be something unexpected. (Snake falls through a hole and dies) Like that right there. How was I supposed to know there'd be a trap door?! It's all about trial and error. Just because of that, I have to start all over again. I've heard that if you use the transceiver, it makes the trap door go away. Which it does, but you still die. What the fuck?!
The Nerd: Anyway, you go around collecting items, key cards and rescuing hostages. But if you want a chance to read any of the dialogue boxes you better be careful not to touch the D-Pad. Yeah, you know how in most games you can cancel out the text by pressing A or B, or sometimes Start? But never the fucking D-Pad! Naturally when you're getting an item, you're using the D-Pad 'cause you're walking toward it. So you have to remember to let go right away. That is some mixed-up buffalo bullshit right there! And sometimes the dialogue box can actually get blocked. They can't keep the objects in the game from getting in front of the text? Or maybe it's to hide their inability to proofread. "I have located some plastic explosive." This game's a mess! How did they fuck it up so bad?!
The Nerd: There's so many spots where you just walk into a room and drop dead. Like here, I have to switch on my gas mask. Of course, if I don't realize that, I only have 1 second to react before my health's drained all the way. And then the fucking boss calls to say "I forgot to - I mean I forget to tell you something! You will need your gas mask." Oh. No shit. You're a little fucking late there, asshole. You think you could tell me before I step into the room? Not after? I mean, if I survived long enough to get his message I would have already figured that out. But you wanna know what else sucks about this room? To get in you need to have your key card selected. Then right away, you need to select your gas mask. So unavoidably, you lose some health. And then once again, to get out of the room, you have to select your key card. So twice you take damage. And as far as I know, there's no way to avoid it.
The Nerd: Probably my favorite fucked-up part is right here. See this truck, it's too close to the edge of the screen. So if you want to go in there, you have to leave the screen twice. You go right, go up and go left. What game would ever make you do that?
The Nerd: And it's so annoying when people gang up on you. Oh my God! Get off me! Get off- I can't get them off! (Grunts twice) Fuck! But anyway, it's a pretty epic game, so most likely you won't beat it in one sitting. That's why there's a password system. But like you'd expect, it's horrendous. Is there any reason why these passwords have to be so fucking long? Even this would be overdoing it. Why do we need this little extra part? Like for the love of fuck! Well guess what, if you use the password it starts you at the building where you left off. Why couldn't that happen just by continuing? The whole purpose of having a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. Not just to continue! Imagine every time you die typing in this password. It's either that or start at the beginning, so pick your fucking poison, motherfucker!
The Nerd: This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible, and yeah, I know it's a classic but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you want to rip me a new asshole, that's fine, I have like 12. Yeah, I've got Charlie Brown Ghost Ass. And it's not just me, Hideo Kojima himself said it slurped anal grease from a warthog's dickhole. Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game. The stealth element wasn't there, and Metal Gear wasn't even in the game. Yeah, that's right. The final boss is supposed to be a robot named Metal Gear. So if you're going to call the game Metal Gear and not have Metal Gear, that's like having Legend of Zelda with no Zelda.
The Nerd: If the original Metal Gear was Kojima's baby, then the NES version is his deformed grandchild. Now, I know it's still a classic if you look past all its flaws. It's like digging for gold under a pile of horseshit. Or perhaps it's a gleaming silver turd. It might not look like shit... but it sure smells like it.