The Nerd: As a kid, two of my favorite things were video games and Japanese monster movies. Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, Mecha-Godzilla, monsters beating the Hell out of each other and blowing the fuck out of everything in sight. I loved that shit.
The Nerd: Being a Godzilla fan in the late '80s and early '90s wasn't easy for an American, because for one thing, the only way to see these movies was to scan through the TV guide every Sunday and see if any happened to be on. Or go to every local video store, hoping to be lucky enough to find some on VHS.
The Nerd: During my lifetime, there were only 2 Godzilla films released in theaters here in the United States: Godzilla 1985 and Godzilla 2000. The 1998 American version doesn't count. It wasn't until I got Internet that I found out Toho had still been making these movies all through the '90s, but they were only in Japan. I was pissed off.
The Nerd: When it came to video games, we also got fucked pretty hard. This was my first Godzilla game, Godzilla on the NES. Let's pop this piece of reptilian fuck-nugget in. (Godzilla is blocking half of his own name on the title screen) "Godzi, Monster of Monsters!" This should already be a clue to how half-ass this game is, because he's blocking half the title.
(The intro starts)
The Nerd: "In 2XXX AD..." Why's it always X? Like they couldn't come up with an exact year so just make it X. "The earth receives... a... dec... lar... a... tion..." Oh, fuck this, let's start the game.
The Nerd: (Sarcastically) Great looking game. What's this? Godzilla chess? So you take control of both Godzilla and Mothra, and move them around these hexagon spaces, then you go into these battle zones.
The Nerd: This is more like it, right? Classic side-scroller action. More like classic mindless button masher. Oh well, at least you have a lot of attacks. Godzilla punches, kicks, swings his tail and breathes his trademark atomic breath. How often has Godzilla ever been in space? Once, as far as I remember, Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. Why not take place on Earth? I wanna trample some buildings. Instead, I'm just beating up on rocks. And how does Godzilla jump without bending his knees? Looks like he's bouncing on a trampoline. What are these things? Evil totem poles? What's this, too? What's that? What's everything? Did they just send Godzilla to some shithole planet that happens to be the garbage can of the cosmos where everything that never existed got thrown away?
The Nerd: After you get through one of the battle zones, the CPU moves one of its own monsters. Then it's your turn again. You can move Godzilla, or Mothra if you want. Yeah, let's check out Mothra.
The Nerd: Well, the good thing is that she can fly, obviously, which means you can bypass obstacles. When you're playing as Godzilla, every 2 seconds there's a pile of rocks in your way. But Mothra just flies over that shit. Well, except when you get hit. Anything that touches her, she gets forced to the ground. She can shoot tomatoes (?) and drop wings. Yeah, she drops wings, that would be like if you could throw your own arms. Mothra sucks. That's all there is to it. When you pick Mothra, the game just laughs.
(Godzilla is getting hit continuously)
The Nerd: What's this? What the fuck's hitting me? What is this? Oh, it's the volcano? I can't walk past a volcano that's in the background? (Godzilla kicks the volcano) All I gotta do is hit it? That's a sensible solution, kick the top of a volcano.
The Nerd: The idea of each board is to destroy all the monsters. Here, we have Moguera and Gezora. Are you kidding me? Moguera and Gezora? Out of all the available monsters in the Godzilla franchise, they had to go with 2 monsters that weren't even originally from a Godzilla movie. Of course, Moguera appeared in Godzilla vs. Space-Godzilla and there's stock footage of Gezora in Godzilla: Final Wars, but those movies didn't happen until way after this game.
(Godzilla repeatedly hits Moguera)
The Nerd: I found a glitch where you can just keep hitting Moguera with your tail. Look at that. So easy.
(The Nerd is fighting Gezora when the screen goes black and it returns to the board)
The Nerd: What happened? There's a time limit? Yeah, so if you take too long to fight the monster, you gotta start over. And the monster regains some of its life, you don't.
The Nerd: The worst part is after you've defeated Moguera and Gezora, guess who's next: Moguera and Gezora. Yeah, they just keep recycling the same monsters but add one per stage. Like here we have Varan, another obscure monster that appeared in its own movie then made a small cameo in a Godzilla film.
The Nerd: Engaging the monsters in battle is awkward. "Will you fight the enemy?" Yes. "Will you fight Gezora?" Yes. That's the enemy, right? Other times, you don't want to fight the enemy, but it doesn't take "no" for an answer. No! (Doesn't take "no" for an answer) Goddamn it, I said, "No!" (Still doesn't take "no" for an answer) Then there's times when the game thinks you're trying to move and the monster's blocking your way, like "Yeah, there's the monster, I wanna fight him."
The Nerd: Throughout the game, the choice of enemies gradually becomes more what you expect. It goes from Baragon and the Smog Monster to Gigan and Ghidorah, but Ghidorah's tucked away in the corner so you'll be lucky if you get that far.
The Nerd: Here's Mecha-Godzilla, now that's what I'm talking about. (Mecha-Godzilla's health is really low) Almost got him! I'm gonna win! I'm gonna beat Mecha-Godzilla!
(Just as the Nerd is about to beat Mecha-Godzilla, the time runs out and he goes back to the board screen.)
The Nerd: THAT FUCKING TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT-SUCKING TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter. It's like the game just pulls the plug, like, "Oh, you gonna win? (Mimics a guy pulling a plug) Well, not anymore, you ass-bag, fecal-fucker, shit-shaped anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fucking cheats. (drinks some Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: But we're not done because there's a sequel: Godzilla 2. This one's gotta be way better, right? I mean, they experimented with the first one, a little trial and error. Now it's time for some improvement. I mean, sometimes you gotta take a nasty shit before you can take a better shit.
(More like taking an even nastier shit. The game is even worse. The Nerd is surprised of what he sees.)
The Nerd: What is this?! This doesn't even look like a Godzilla game! This is just as much of a Godzilla game as SimCity when the monster attacks. You don't even get to play as Godzilla; you're the military. You just move tanks and planes around like a fucking board game.
The Nerd: When you go to battle mode, it sort of goes into an RPG-style. You each take your turns attacking. Whether or not you hit or miss depends on the outcome of a slot machine. Yes, a fucking slot machine. I don't even understand how this whole thing works, but one thing for sure, you'll never be lucky enough to match up all three. You might do minimal damage at best, but the monsters keep regaining their energy. But not you.
The Nerd: The music in this game is so horrible, they actually have an option to turn it off. But when you turn off the music, it turns off the sound effects too. So what's the point? You might as well just mute the fucking TV!
The Nerd: You thought the first game was bad? This is an insult to the first game! This shouldn't have been called Godzilla 2! That would be like if the NES had a Ninja Gaiden IV, but it was a puzzle game. You don't pretend this is a sequel when it's not even in the same category. It should've been called Godzilla: Strategic Operations Simulator, or SimZilla.
The Nerd: Well, I'm afraid to say, but let's check out Godzilla on Game Boy. (Game starts up) Okay, this looks promising. The demo shows the monster roll call. They all look great. Godzilla looks okay. His head's kinda messed up. Looks like that thing in Empire Strikes Back that comes out of the asteroid. But let's see how this game looks.
(The game is not what the Nerd expected, so he becomes even more shocked, and drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock.)
The Nerd: Are you fucking joking? Godzilla looks like the dragons from Bubble Bobble! You're going around climbing vines, pushing rocks, and hitting monsters with a boxing glove that Godzilla spits from his mouth. How could they do this to the king of the monsters? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick.
The Nerd: I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare. "Fuck it!" (The Nerd throws the Game Boy away, and drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: Next up, moving over to Super Nintendo, we got Super Godzilla. Ooh. Now we're bringing "super" into it. That means we're not playing around anymore. Time to get serious.
(Godzilla roars in the game, and the intro starts)
The Nerd: Ooh, the year 199X. They narrow it down to the decade, so I guess they were a little more confident with the date on this one. The graphics are nice. It looks like what you'd expect in a Godzilla game. But the gameplay is a totally different story.
The Nerd: You control Godzilla, who's represented by a blue dot on the map screen. The top of the screen is just for show. So, playing as Godzilla, you want to be destroying buildings, right? Well, here, the buildings drain your health. That makes no sense! Godzilla destroys buildings all the time! That's what he's good at! That's like if Mike Tyson couldn't punch anybody without hurting his hand.
The Nerd: When you engage the enemy monster, it goes into a battle screen. Now this looks like the Godzilla game I've been waiting for. But, no, not quite. Because it's unlike any fighting game you've ever played. The on-screen instructions don't make any sense. There's two stamina meters, which they refer to as 'fighting spirit'. They say to hold down the enemy's fighting spirit, then punch to open up Godzilla's attack window, and pull back quickly. So let me try to summarize: You get close to the enemy, you punch him, then you go back and hit L and R to choose an attack. They don't tell you that, do they? They don't tell you you're supposed to press L and FUCKING R! Why is it so hard to have two monsters fighting without it being a fucking Einstein project?!
(Shows footage of the "Godzilla" NES game)
The Nerd: I'd hate to say, but I still prefer the NES version. At least that one is easy to understand how to play it.
The Nerd: By this time, I gave up on Godzilla games. If they couldn't get it right on Super Nintendo, then all hope was gone. My wish was just to have a traditional tournament fighter featuring all the Godzilla monsters.
The Nerd: Well, my wish was half-granted. (The Nerd takes the Super Famicom game from his shelf) The Godzilla game of my dreams was actually made, but only released in Japan, which means we're going to have to play it on the Super Famicom. (The Nerd puts the game on the Super Famicom and starts it up) It's called Godzilla: Kaijuu Daikessen. (Japanese for "Godzilla: Monster War") It's bittersweet to finally play this. Today, it's nothing special. But back then, I would've loved it. It has most of the monsters you know from the movies. They all have special moves, the backgrounds are recognizable, and the music is there. It's fucking Godzilla.
The Nerd: But the whole tragedy of this and what I'll never forget is that Nintendo Power teased me with this game. (takes out the magazine and opens up to the page of the "Godzilla" game) Issue 72, May, 1995: "Coming Soon! Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters!" When I saw this page, I shit my pants. "A Godzilla tournament fighter?! Oh my God! I can't wait to play this!" Never again was it mentioned, and never could I find it in stores. Only in Japan, only in Japan...
The Nerd: 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a great Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. (takes a drink of Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee, Godzilla: Save the Earth, Godzilla: Unleashed. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.
(Title screen of "Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters" appears)
Announcer: Monsters! Fight!
(The Nerd is shocked to see that the game is what he expected, which is a good thing, then plays "Godzilla: Save the Earth," and still has the same reaction, and then moves on to PlayStation 2 to play "Godzilla: Unleashed," and like the 2 Xbox Godzilla games, he still has the same reaction.)
(The word "FUCK" comes through the bottom of his heart, and comes out of his mouth)
The Nerd: (Yells) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK!!!!!!! (As he screams the Ultimate Fuck, along with Godzilla roaring, he angrily makes some of his Super NES games fall off of his shelf, Godzilla-style. Afterwards, he's on his futon drinking Rolling Rock.)
The Nerd: Why couldn't I have those games when I was a kid? Goddamn it, I was born too fucking early! (sighs) Instead, I have to grow up with these miserable pieces of shit fuckin' anal jugs. These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from sucking Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical weiner! These games are shit drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole, and then being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, "while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face!"
The Nerd: Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, It's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck... cunt... Fuck. Goddamn it. I just said "Fuck!" from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fucking games are... (censored bleep with color bars over his mouth; uncensored version, "This game, these fucking games are...scunt!")! Oh, yeah. It's that bad.
(Credits roll, and then Godzilla roars and the Nerd yells "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" at the same time)