(Richard Strauss's "Also Sprach Zarathustra" [more commonly known from the 1968 Stanley Kubrick movie, 2001: A Space Oddysey] plays, and the camera zooms in on a large, monolith-like object.)
The Nerd: What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a ColecoVision. (The Nerd "struggles" to pick it up.) WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!
The Nerd: IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.
The Nerd: Anyway, the ColecoVision was released in 1982, and like the Intellivision, it had the same stupid-ass keypad! But with a joystick. Well, almost a joystick, and it's so stiff it doesn't fare much better.
The Nerd: First, let's try out Montezuma's Revenge. Well, I would make some comment about diarrhea or something, but it's actually a pretty good platforming game. You collect a bunch of treasures while avoiding all kinds of hazards. Standard stuff, you know, but well done. Only problem: this controller is fucking HORRIBLE! But the good news is that, unlike the Intellivision, you can unplug the controller and swap it with an Atari or a Sega Genesis controller. Who would've thought that would be compatible? But, what a great thing.
The Nerd: Now let's try out Rocky. That's right, Rocky on the ColecoVision. The music and the graphics are quite good for the time, but would it be too much trouble to add any facial features? As far to my knowledge, your only opponent is Clubber Lang. After all, Rocky III was the newest movie, so there's definitely no Ivan Drago. But all you do is mash buttons and it all boils down to a big crock of shit.
The Nerd: Okay, you're not gonna believe this one. It's called Cabbage Patch Kids: Adventure in the Park. It's basically like another Pitfall game but with a random layout. Why would I swing on the vines when I can hop on the lily pad instead? Then there's screens which don't have anything on it, so what's the point of having them? And so many of them look the same.
The Nerd: Next is Campaign '84. Yes, a game based on a presidential campaign, probably the worst fucking concept for any game in history. First you pick what you want to accomplish, you know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country, like "ban all shoelaces?" And that's my favorite, cause shoelaces are bullshit.
The Nerd: Then you pick the Donkey or the Elephant. I don't really know which is which. And then you're moving around and... I really seem to be having a lot of trouble with this because I can barely move! Alright, let's try to touch the megaphone. Okay. "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the Hell was watching me get dressed? If I want to put my shoes on first, that's my own Goddamn business.
The Nerd: Next up is Chuck Norris. Yeah, that's right, Chuck Norris: The Game. You're walking around and then you get into fights. And the attacks are completely ineffective. Come on, you son-of-a-bitch! Wow. This is shit.
The Nerd: Next we have Dance Fantasy. Okay, well my first question is where is the music, and what the Hell am I trying to do? You're just like floating around! It's as much fun as dragging a mouse around a computer screen.
The Nerd: Dr. Seuss's Fix Up the Mix-up Puzzler. It's a puzzle game where you put together different Dr. Seuss characters. Yeah, that's about as much as I can say about that.
The Nerd: Learning with Leeper. It's one of the most juvenile games I've ever played. You're a weird eyeball with legs and there's four little games to pick from. In the balloon game, all you gotta do is match the letters. See, that's a "T" up there, so all I do is I just grab the "T", I match them up, and there you go. You win. It's pretty hard, right? In the maze game, you're a frog being chased by a centipede. All you gotta do is get to the end of the maze and that's it. The dog game, I have no fucking clue what to do. But the paint game is basically like an old Paint program. If you thought Mario Paint was primitive, well, look again.
The Nerd: Next is Looping. Here we go-- Oh, well, let's try again. Oh, man, that pilot's drunk as shit! Oh I gotta get through the wall, here we go-- Okay. Maybe I gotta go over it. Oh, I guess not. Uh-oh, let's try again. Oh, man, what am I supposed to do?! FUCK! Oh, I know. I gotta shoot through it. (after crashing again, he finally takes the game out, angrily scowls at it, and then throws it against the wall.)
The Nerd: Robin Hood. I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shooting the fuck out of people with your arrows. Man, all this violence going on, but the sun is just smiling away.
The Nerd: Slurpy. Ok, you're just going around slurping balls. And there's all kinds of weird creatures coming at you. And I-I really don't know how else to describe this thing, it's like---What the Hell?
The Nerd: Smurf Rescue. Yeah, how could you go wrong with a game about the Smurfs? All you do is keep walking right. Nobody's trying to kill you, everything's just fine and dandy. What a nice game. This is the happiest game ever made.
The Nerd: WarGames. I'm assuming it's based off the movie, since they both came out in 1983. You're basically trying to stop nuclear missiles from blowing up the whole world. It's kinda serious. But there's another one called War Room, which is a similar game, except this one has some comedic relief, because it's got giant mutant chickens.
The Nerd: Alright, well this video is getting out of hand, and we can spend all day talking about these games and discussing them in depth, but I only wanted to give you an introduction to two classic gaming consoles. Now I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects, but let me tell ya: That's the name of the game.
The Nerd: But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor.
The Nerd: Okay, that would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the PlayStation 3. You're gonna be able to play X-BOX games on it." There would be lawsuits up the ass.
The Nerd: And there were more expansion modules. The second one's a steering wheel for the driving games, and the third one connects the fucker to an Adam computer. I wonder if the Addams Family had an Adam computer?
The Nerd: Now the fourth expansion module connects it to a dishwasher. And then, the fifth and final one connects it to your ass!
Kyle Justin: (singing) ♪ Never do more than I really need. ♪
Kyle Justin: ♪ My mind is racing, but my body's in the lead. ♪
Kyle Justin: ♪ Tonight's the night, I'm gonna push it to the limit. ♪
Kyle Justin: ♪ I'll live all of my years in a single minute. ♪
Kyle Justin: ♪ Fill my eyes with that double vision. ♪
Kyle Justin: ♪ No disguise for that double vision. ♪
Kyle Justin: ♪ Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me. My double vision's got the best of me. ♪