Kyle Justin: (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town")
♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪
♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪
♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
♪ He hates the games that stink ♪
♪ He knows which games to break ♪
♪ He just might even hate them all ♪
♪ 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake ♪
♪ You'd better watch out, don't give these games a try ♪
♪ You better not play 'em, he's tellin' you why
♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! (the Nerd holds up the games he played and reviewed from his episode "Bible Games") Now 2 years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah. Now would you believe there's actually more of them? (the Nerd picks up the games that he's going to review in this episode) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible?! Why would you do that?! These games suck ass! (the Nerd puts the games down) If I was God, I'd be pissed.
The Nerd: First, let's check out Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land. (notes instructions on cartridge) What the Hell is this?! "To start the game, please wait up to 9 flashes on TV screen. Power on, please wait 7 seconds between power on and power off"? (the Nerd puts the game into the Toploader) Wow! Quite a lot of instructions just to start the damn game!
The Nerd: You play as Moses. I guess on his journey to the Promised Land, he had to go through labyrinths, and shooting "W's" at everything and collecting sacks with the letter "M." I don't know about this one. It's just a puzzle game. It's playable. Basically, you have to collect a certain amount of items in order for an exit to appear. I'm not even sure exactly what the items are, but it pretty much means that you have to uncover every square. (Exclaims) This is so redundant! It's really one of those games where you need a Turbo controller.
The Nerd: So, the exit appears, you take it, and then you get a bunch of Bible questions like: "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies, Kill all babies--" Kill all...babies? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"?! And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means it's something they made up. "Kill all babies"! So for every question you answered correctly, you get, what else? A Bible, and then you get a violent picture of somebody being whipped, and then it's on to the next level.
The Nerd: Oh, this is so monotonous. Obviously, I'm going all the way in the middle. Oh no, now I gotta go all the way back.
(18 seconds later)
The Nerd: Oh, fucking Hell. This is ridiculous!
(10 seconds later)
The Nerd: So then I get back out. I finish all the crap I gotta do. Oh, so I guess it's the question marks I gotta get. And then what? Where's the exit?
(cuts across to the other side of the screen)
The Nerd: (groans) It's back over there?! Oh my Lord. I've had enough with this shit.
The Nerd: All right. Next up, let's try... Noah's Ark? (turning to the camera) Haven't we played this already?
(croaky sound)
The Nerd: Remember in Bible Adventures, there were three games, and one of which was Noah's Ark, that stupid shit where you're picking up stacks of animals, then of course, there's the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D, the only unlicensed Super NES game, which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein, where you're going around shooting goats.
The Nerd: So now we have yet another game based off of Noah's Ark. But there's something very different about this one. What's that? (points at the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality on the game cartridge) It was actually licensed by Nintendo. Who made this?
("Contra" title music plays as the camera zooms in on the cartridge and shows it was published by Konami. Lightning flashes.)
The Nerd: Okay, now I'm really curious!
(The Nerd puts the game on the Toploader, the camera zooms in to the title, then the Nerd plays it, and actually feels somewhat satisfied with the game. Afterwards, he takes the game out of the Toploader. The "Life Lost" music from "Contra" plays as he takes it out.)
The Nerd: Okay, who would've thought this would actually be decent?! Well, it was only released in Europe, which means it's in the PAL format and it can't be played on any North American NES, unless you have the Toploader. (the Nerd puts the game back into the Toploader and turns it on) That plays anything. (the Nerd gives the Toploader a thumbs-up)
The Nerd: The game's not bad, but it's fucking weird. Why are there Native Americans in Noah's time? And why does he turn into a fish? If he and all the animals can turn into fish, they wouldn't even need the fucking ark. Also, it's generally a pain in the ass, because enemies can drain half your life-bar with one hit. Even the tiniest things such as bees, which take almost all your life. And there's lots of things you can't even touch at all, where you die instantly. This makes it almost pointless to even have a life-bar.
The Nerd: Also, there's hidden bonus stages. But if you find one of them, it doesn't bring you back. So, rather than returning you to the game where you left off, it puts you back at the beginning of the stage, which is fucking bullshit! But overall, I would at least go as far to call it a game.
The Nerd: All right. What's next? (holds up the game "Joshua" for the NES) Ooh. Joshua. This one looks fun, right? (Hint: it doesn't)
The Nerd: Oh, no. Doesn't this look familiar? It's the same thing as Exodus. Well, that scratches that off the list. What's the point of discussing the same game twice? The only difference is that you're Joshua, I assume, and that there's a voice.
Digitized Voice: Be courageous, Joshua!
The Nerd: But what's even stranger: this game ("Joshua") was a copy of a game ("Exodus"), which is a copy of another game, Crystal Mines. Damn!
The Nerd: Well, here's a little history lesson. Color Dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the NES like Captain Comic, Secret Scout, and Raid 2020. Maybe I'll review that ("Raid 2020") in the year 2020. Anyway, Color Dreams, for whatever reason, decide they wanted to start doing Bible games now under the name Wisdom Tree. Essentially, they're recycling some of their old Color Dreams games and adding Christian themes. For example, here we have Menace Beach (the Nerd holds up "Menace Beach" for the NES), which was turned into Sunday Funday. Let's check it out. (the Nerd puts the game into the Toploader)
The Nerd: So this is Menace Beach. Basically, you're some kid on a skateboard trying to rescue some girl. It's played by God-awful control, a pathetic attack range, and the most annoying level design I've ever seen. But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her. And each time, her clothes gradually disappear. The first time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening. She says: (girl voice) "I've been here so long my clothes are starting to rot." (normal voice) Seriously, that's the only explanation. I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot. But the funny thing is that it's a strangely effective way to get you to play the game because just for curiosity's sake, it makes you wonder: how much of her clothes are going to come off? It's like: "Hey, we got this horrible shitty game, but there's a girl taking her clothes off. So you gotta keep playing."
The Nerd: How did this turn into a Bible game?! Well, let's find out. Here comes Sunday Funday. (the Nerd holds up the game cartridge for the NES) It might interest you to know that this is actually the last game ever made for the NES, and it was as late as 1995. (the Nerd puts the game into the Toploader) Oh, no, no, no, there's three games! ("Sunday Funday", "Fishfall", "4Him") Oh, boy. Well, let's try them all.
The Nerd: Here's Fishfall. Okay, you're a hand trying to grab falling fish and throw 'em up into a floating basket. What does this have to do with the Bible? What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel -- up at an electric eel -- have to do with the Bible? Oh, okay, it's got some Bible verses thrown in. Now it makes perfect sense.
The Nerd: Okay, let's try 4Him. (Some song lyrics appear on the screen, lighting up in time to the beat) What? It's karaoke? Oh, please.
The Nerd: Now that I've wasted my time with all that, let's play Sunday Funday. Well, it's identical to Menace Beach. Just look at the title screens. It's the same exact game. Now, there are a few minor differences, but we'll get to them as we go.
The Nerd: Instead of trying to rescue your girl... you're not even gonna believe this when I tell you... you're trying to get... to Sunday School. Yeah. Now as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult. WHO ARE THESE RAGING ATHEISTS THAT DON'T WANT YOU TO GO TO CHURCH?! It's bad enough that the entire town's trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns? The old ladies coming out of boxes? And animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like, why does everyone want him dead?
The Nerd: I'd say he's having quite a day, and the funny thing is he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it. Like: "Oh, what do you do on a Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers, I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fucking face off!" Yeah, look at the face! (He kills a guy) Oh, God, that's so violent.
The Nerd: Now, instead of this stripping chick, you get this annoying bitch who does nothing but nag you. (nagging lady voice) "Get your ass to Sunday School!" (normal voice) The only other thing I've noticed that's been changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers. Maybe ninjas were too violent, and Elvis' devilish rock 'n' roll was too much for a religious game. But everything else fits perfectly fine. Why does a bird come out every time you kill someone? And why do they turn from white to black? Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson.
The Nerd: Your attack is so pathetic. It seems you have to keep skating past people while tapping the button, and I've never figured out the right time. It's just luck whether you hit them or not. What are you supposed to be doing anyway? Just spinning around? Look at this, I'm still trying to hit this guy. (the Nerd finally did it) Finally! (He lands on the bomb.) Oh, fuck!
The Nerd: Another real piss-off is that it keeps going dark. Seems like I'm running into that problem a lot with games lately. It's so annoying! You have to keep hitting the switches to keep the room bright.
The Nerd: Oh, come on, get the damn switch! Oh, what the fuck? Oh, man! I really hate those springs, all I'm trying to do is go down and to right but I can't make it! (The springs bounce him back, and he grunts) Oh, shit! (grunts angrily) God! When you don't want the springs to bounce you around, they do. And when you want them to, they don't! What the fuck?! Why didn't it bounce me? There's also these squares that make you fall through the pipes. I don't know what that's about.
The Nerd: Some enemies you can only kill with bombs, and trying to get them stand near a bomb is ridiculously hard. Come on! Of course he's not gonna come near it! (he manages to get the enemy close to the bomb) OK, there, perfect. He's laughing, he's got two bombs ready to blow, and... he walks away. OK, there's another one. Of course, he goes right past it. Oh, there he goes - Fuck.
The Nerd: (sarcastically) Oh, look at this! This is nice! I'm stuck, I need a balloon to fly over the hole but I need to go back to get the balloon! Too bad I can't jump high enough. So, it's time to commit suicide. (he jumps into the sea) Here's the problem, this little ledge shouldn't be here! It's pointless because once you're there, you're stuck.
The Nerd: Oh, fuck, get me away from the bombs! I hate those fucking springs! (Screams) Ooh, got lucky there... (the Nerd gets sprung into a bottomless pit) I hate those fucking things, they're the worst! Damn! Oh, this game is so annoying.
The Nerd: Look at this! I got trapped in some sort of pipe! There's no way down, what I'm trying to do is get on the floor and go under it, but there's a fucking spring that comes up. Then there's that damn switch making it go dark. I get bounced all over the place. Man! Just get down there! (Groans three times) Fuck!
The Nerd: I'm surprised, this game is actually really hard. It's one of the hardest I've ever played. Mostly because of this shit right here! You have to bounce on a bunch of springs. Some bounce you up, and some bounce you down. The idea is to not touch the ones that bounce you down or else you die. But there's no clear distinction! They all look the same.
The Nerd: At first there's a pattern. Up, down, up, down, down! That's real nice! So it fucking fools you into thinking that there's a pattern, and then it just throws you off! But trying to avoid those down springs is almost impossible! Oh my fuck! Fuck this game. Fuck this fucking piece of shit! Oh, man, I'm doing good. Holy shit, I might actually make it...! (the Nerd dies yet again) Fuck!!! (the Nerd just stares in shock) Oh, boy.
The Nerd: Alright, well, that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial, it's Bible games on CD-i! YEAH!! We're livin' on the edge! (inserts the CD into the CD-i) More like livin' on a prayer!
The Nerd: First, we have Moses: The Exodus. Honestly, there's not much to say. It's basically an educational tool with some games thrown in. First, there's Pyramid Pursuit. This is the main game. Basically you're exploring a pyramid. It's a point-and-click game, but not a good one that actually makes you think. This one is a no-brainer. It flat out explains what you're supposed to do. Go this way, go that way. The voices are the fuckest bologna shit you'd ever hear.
Anubis: (in a labored, monotone voice) I am an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
The Nerd: What is it, a robot? But let me give you a quick tour of the other stuff. First, you have this animated story about Moses.
Male Narrator: Moses trusted God. He knew that no matter what, God would take care of him.
The Nerd: Then you have Tell Me More which is just more history lessons about the Bible.
Female Narrator: In the time of Moses, a sacrifice might be an animal like an ox.
The Nerd: Then you have The Bible, which is just scripture from the Bible.
The Nerd: Then you have the Playroom. The first thing you notice is the Sing-Along. It's just a bunch of karaoke songs.
Child Singer: Moses and me, we've got a choice to make. Leadin' the way. I've got to do it!
The Nerd: But tell me, why is "Moses and Me" graffitied on a wall? Then there's a Slider Puzzle. Nothing to say about that.
The Nerd: Then there's the coloring book, and this is where things become really ass! It's kinda like Mario Paint but really hard to control. Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place. And what the Hell's going on here? Leprosy? That's nice.
The Nerd: Then there's this Connect the Dots bullshit. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice.
Kid: Whoops!
The Nerd: If you get the dot, you get the irritating voice.
Kid: Yippee!
The Nerd: And it NEVER FUCKING STOPS.
(the voice says "yippee" and "whoops" a couple of times, then the Nerd gets annoyed at the voice)
The Nerd: Is that really necessary? Like, what, are they fucking crazy? Well, anyway, that's about all there is to say about that. The other two games are the same deal.
The Nerd: They all have the same puzzle game, sing-along, all that. The only real difference is the main games. David and Goliath has this board game.
Goliath: I am Goliath!
Narrator: You've landed on Goliath's square. That'll send him back!
The Nerd: It doesn't make much sense because you never see the entire board, so you don't know where Goliath is. That's like if you were playing Monopoly and you put your face up to the game. You never know what's going on.
The Nerd: The last game's The Story of Samson. It has a game called Riddler's Race. So was the Riddler in the Bible? (a picture of the Riddler appears) I didn't know that.
The Nerd: So, basically, you're a harpist on your way to play the harp at Samson's wedding. But there's a bunch of people after you, and if they catch you, you have to answer a Bible riddle. Yep, that's it.
(sound of goat bleating)
The Nerd: Alright, well, I think I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays, and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night.