(The Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays and finishes and Kyle Justin moves to his right)
The Nerd: (picks up the game from his futon) Battletoads on Nintendo. Now don't worry. It's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. (Kyle Justin enters and sits on the Nerd's futon) But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinking: "What is this? A cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff or something?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- (Nerd turns to his right, notices Kyle and starts talking to him) Who the fuck are you?
Kyle: I'm your guitar guy. (the Nerd doesn't get it) I...sing your theme song... (the Nerd still doesn't get it) from...behind the couch.
The Nerd: Well, then, GO BACK BEHIND THE DAMN COUCH! Geez!
Kyle: You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
The Nerd: Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
Kyle: (stutters) Why can't I do the review with you?
The Nerd: Oh, uh, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! IT'S LIKE, I PLAY THE GAME, AND YOU-- GET YOUR ASS BACK BEHIND THE FUCKING COUCH!
(Kyle is fighting back his tears)
Kyle: (angrily through his tears) I don't ever get to do anything: You don't even use my song that much anymore.
The Nerd: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS BEHIND MY DAMN COUCH ANYWAY?!
Kyle: THERE ARE NO OTHER COUCHES TO GO BEHIND!
(Kyle is fighting back his tears again and has a flashback, while a piano version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays.)
The Nerd: (Kyle is hiding behind the futon) What a piece of shit.
The Nerd from his "Top Gun" review: ASSSSSS!!! (Kyle is still hiding behind the futon) FUUUUUCK!!!
The Nerd from his "Power Glove" review: You don't know shit about how fucking shitty this fucking shit is. (Kyle is still hiding behind the futon) It's so bad, it sucks! It's so fucking sucks, it fucks!
The Nerd from his "Back to the Future" review: I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a road killed skunk than play this game. (Kyle is hiding behind the futon writing what the Nerd says on his notepad, making it part of his lyrics for The Angry Video Game Nerd theme)
The Nerd from his "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" review: (Nerd drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock and puts in on the futon. Kyle, hiding behind the futon, sees the bottle of Rolling Rock and tries to take a drink, but there is none left) Cowabunga. Cow-a-fucking piece of dog shit! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit!
(flashback is over and Kyle is still fighting back his tears and the Nerd doesn't want to see him upset and finally gives in)
The Nerd: All right, fine. You can sit here just this one time!
(Kyle smiles as the Nerd picks up the 1st controller)
Kyle: (happily) Thank you.
The Nerd: All right! You happy?
Kyle: I'm very happy. (Kyle picks up the 2nd controller)
The Nerd: Very good. Okay. (to the viewers) So, anyway, Battletoads on the NES. (to Kyle) Wh -- PUT THAT DOWN! PUT IT DOWN! DROP IT! YOU CAN'T FUCKIN' PLAY THE GAME WITH ME!
Kyle: (chuckles in disbelief) Why not?
The Nerd: Because, it's-it's not even a 2-player game.
Kyle: Yeah, it is.
The Nerd: No, it's not. Look, you see two players? Press Start, that's it. (to the viewers) All right, so anyway, the game begins and -- (To Kyle) How'd you do that?
Kyle: I pushed Start.
The Nerd: (shocked) Oh, so it's arcade-style. The second player has to push Start to join in. Why not just a regular select screen like any other NES game? (to viewers) Speaking of which, the intro shows three toads: Rash, Pimple, and Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, and Gonorrhea?
The Nerd: Besides, Pimple's not even in the game. He's captured and the goal is to rescue him. But on to the game, the first level is like a classic beat 'em up. Punching people is so satisfying. I like how your fists enlarge. When you headbutt, you grow ram horns. And when you kick, your foot grows into a giant boot. You can throw your enemies and grab weapons. So much fun. And when you pause the game, you get this catchy beat.
(the game pauses, the catchy beat plays and the Nerd and Kyle dance along with it)
The Nerd: What's the point of that? When you pause the game, it should just be quiet. (to Kyle) Get the dragon! Hit him! Hit him! (Nerd's toad hits Kyle's toad by accident)
Kyle: What the Hell?!
The Nerd: I didn't know I could hit you! Get the pig! Knock him off! (Kyle's toad kick Nerd's toad off the platform by accident) Hey, you killed me!
The Nerd: Oh, flies! Let me get 'em!
Kyle: No, I need them!
The Nerd: Mine! Mine!
The Nerd: Oh, look, it's a 1-up! (Nerd's toad tries to get the 1-up, but misses) Aw, fuck!
Kyle: (his toad gets the 1-up) Yeah!
The Nerd: Aw, that's not fair. You kill me, and then take my 1-up?
Kyle: Hey, I let you try to get it. It's not my fault you fucked up.
The Nerd: It's the boss. Don't get hit. (Kyle's toad gets hit by the boss) Dumbass. (Nerd's toad defeats the boss)
The Nerd: (to the viewers) Okay, Level 2: You're hanging on strings going down a hole or something. (to Kyle) Get the bird!
Kyle: I'm trying! (Kyle's toad knocks off Nerd's toad instead)
The Nerd: Aw, you fucker!
Kyle: I didn't mean to do it.
The Nerd: That's really a problem. You shouldn't be able to hit each other: (loudly) THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT! Come on, you piece of shit! (Nerd's toad gets killed by the enemy) (angrily growls) (Game Over: Continue?)
Kyle: What happened?
The Nerd: I died.
Kyle: But I didn't die.
The Nerd: (to Kyle) Oh, that's lousy. If one player dies, you got to start the level all over! (The Nerd and Kyle restart Level 2) Okay, so we can't hit each other. You take the right, and I take the left.
Kyle: Okay. (Kyle's toad turns into a wrecking ball and accidentally kills Nerd's toad)
The Nerd: What the Hell was that? I said stay to the right!
Kyle: I couldn't help it. This stupid wrecking ball thing just keeps swinging from side to side.
(Nerd's toad tries to kill the enemy with a wrecking ball, but it kills Kyle's toad instead)
The Nerd: Oops! I-I didn't mean that!
Kyle: You see?
The Nerd: (angrily screams) WHY HAVE AN ATTACK LIKE THAT IN A GAME WHERE YOU CAN HARM THE OTHER PLAYER?! (Nerd's toad kill Kyle's toad again) Ah, fuck!
Kyle: How are we supposed to work as a team when you keep killing me?
The Nerd: Level 3: We're really lucky we made it this far. (to Kyle) Yeah, pound the guy to the ground. (Nerd's toad hits both the enemy and Kyle's toad at the same time)
Kyle: Aw, what the fuck?
The Nerd: (groans) You get him.
Kyle: No, you get him.
The Nerd: All right. (awesomeness voice) So awesome. Just pound him to the ground and kick him. (Nerd's toad kicks the enemy off the ground and the falls off the platform) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?! (to Kyle) All right now, just don't hit the walls. But get the ramp. Get the ramp. (Nerd's toad falls to the hole of what looks like rocks) Aw, fuck!
Kyle: How'd you miss that?!
The Nerd: I don't know! All right, let's try again.
(Kyle's toad misses the ramp)
The Nerd: You missed the ramp! (Game Over: Continue?) Game Over?! That's Game Over for you, not for me!
Kyle: Uh, I don't know.
(Level 3 restarts)
The Nerd: What? You gotta be fucking kidding me. YOU DIED, BUT WE BOTH HAVE TO RESTART THE LEVEL!
The Nerd: THAT'S BULLSHIT! THAT'S TERRIBLE PROGRAMMING! How is it fair that when one player dies, they both have t-- AND MY LIVES AREN'T REPLENISHED! I still have just one extra life: That means I'm going to die next, and then we're both gonna have to start over again. Watch it! Watch it!
Kyle: I know! I know! (Nerd's toad knocks off Kyle's toad) What the fuck?
The Nerd: I swear I didn't mean to do that: I was trying to hit the guy! Okay, now this is real important. None of us hit the walls, okay? Jump! Jump! (Nerd's toad crashes into the wall and flies off) Aw, fuck!
Kyle: Oh, good job.
(Game Over: Continue?)
The Nerd: Oh, my, God.
Kyle: Well, we got to start all over again.
The Nerd: How many lives do you have?
Kyle: Like 2?
The Nerd: Well, I guess we're not gonna make it much further.
Kyle: Well, I could just die twice on purpose and then we can both start--
The Nerd: NO, NO-NO-NO-NO! FUCK THAT! THERE'S NO REASON WHY THE GAME SHOULD BE PROGRAMMED THIS WAY, AND WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO STAND FOR IT!
Kyle: AW, TO HELL WITH THIS SHIT!
The Nerd: TO HELL WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT!
Kyle: TO HELL WITH THIS BANANA...BUFFALO...WEARING...BASTARD BULLSHIT!
The Nerd: YEAH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING! ALL RIGHT! (to the viewers) So anyway, Battletoads...is--
Kyle: I'M GOING BEHIND THE COUCH!
(Kyle moves back behind the couch)
The Nerd: (to Kyle) Yeah, you do that! GO BUNKER YOURSELF...FROM ALL THESE, LIKE, SHITTY GAMES! Yeah! (to the viewers) So, Battletoads is not a 2-player game. Having a second player is as convenient as having a Siamese bulldog attached to your anus! It's just wh- like, with 1 player, it's hard. But with 2, it's virtually unplayable!
Kyle: (playing his guitar and singing) ♪ He's the angriest gamer you ever heard. ♪
The Nerd: YOU BET YOUR ASS!
Kyle: (playing his guitar and singing) ♪ He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd. ♪
The Nerd: GO BEHIND SOMEONE ELSE'S COUCH!
Kyle: THERE ARE NO OTHER COUCHES TO GO BEHIND!
(The Nerd laughs humorously)
The Nerd: (to the viewers) Basically, Battletoads is not a 2--
Kyle: I'M GOING BEHIND THE COUCH!
(Kyle moves behind the futon)
The Nerd: Well, good then! I mean, go bunker your- (starts to laugh) Fuck!