(Animation of a parody of the 1960's Batman TV series opening with the Nerd and Luigi beating up previous characters on the Angry Video Game Nerd show)
(The Joker is laughing and putting "Batman: Return of the Joker" into the NES Top Loader forcing the Batnerd to play)
Joker: Batty batty bat! Batty-batty-bat! Ohoohooha!
Batnerd: OK, so I guess because the Joker's in the title I'm playing Batman: Return of the Joker on NES. It's a follow up to the first Batman game on NES, they couldn't wait for the next movie to come out, so they had to make an instant sequel. Unlike the first game, where you had the option to punch or switch between an inventory of weapons, this game basically gives you one weapon, a Batgun. You can get a lot of upgrades for this weapon, but I can't help but find it strange that Batman is just going around shooting people with infinite ammo and never using his fists. For an NES game, the graphics are good, and the music, once again, is awesome. Seems like Sunsoft games always have good music. Blaster Master, Fester's Quest. Yeah, I said that. You can even make Batman dance to the music because when you press up he turns his head. (Batman doing the Batdance in rhythm to the music of Stage 1)
Joker: Oooh, the Batdance! Ohoohoohoo! (the Joker begins doing the Batdance and laughing)
Batnerd: I don't know what purpose that has... But when you get to the boss, the music sounds incredibly familiar.(the boss music plays then Crash Man's theme from "Mega Man 2" plays) Mega Man 2? Yeah, it does sound like it. Just a lot faster, that's all. Once you get to the third stage, the game gets way too difficult way too fast. You're slipping around on the ice trying not to fall and all these tornadoes keep flying at you. Even after a lot of trial and error, it's still next to impossible not to get hit by these things. Come on, you fucking tornado piece of shit, I know you're there, just inching forward, I know you're there... FUCK! There's also the traditional annoying backwards fall bullshit. Whenever you get hit, you fly back, right? You're familiar with that. But here, even if you're facing the other direction you get sucked back into the hole! (the Joker is laughing in the background) What in the holy mother of fuck is that about? That doesn't even follow the laws of physics! (the Joker keeps on laughing) Then there's the falling ceiling gag. You know, for you to get by they have to fall. There's no other option. If you stand under it, it kills you. To get it down, you stand under it. What a paradox!
LOOK AT THIS PANDEMONIUM! THERE'S A FUCKING CEILING WAITING TO COME DOWN AND KILL ME, THERE'S A GUY THROWING AN OIL DRUM, IF I TRY TO GET OUT OF THE WAY, I GET HIT BY THESE ROTATING BLADES AND SHIT! I take the guy down and then I try to set off the ceiling trap and... (the ceiling trap kills him) I'm dead. (the Joker is laughing more) SHUDDUP!
Joker: (Stops laughing and frowns) Fuck you, motherfucker!
Batnerd: So, I try it again, and this time I just carefully step to the edge, just taking baby steps- (the Nerd gets hit and dies) GOD! This game's fucking BRUTAL, it doesn't even make any sense! COME ON, YOU PIECE OF SHIT - FUCK! OK, so I'm trying to jump on a moving platform while somebody's shooting at me. How the Hell does that work? Oh shit! Whoa, I got lucky there! (the Nerd and the Joker rise slowly, tense. The Nerd dies) FUCK! (the Joker laughs some more) So, I'm just going to try to shoot him from across the hole, but as you can see, I can't. You just gotta get on there. ASS! One more try, I just can't get hit! COME ON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! COME ON! Ah! Thank God! And how do you like this, you can actually get blocked by a powerup. But HE can still shoot through! THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Joker: Boo-hoo! So unfair! Ohhhh!
Batnerd: It's like they deliberately programmed this thing as a MEANS OF TORTURE! There's also a slide move, but I never found a safe time to use it, so half the time I forgot I had it. The only thing easy about this game are the bosses. Except for the Joker, he's impossible. So overall, it's really not the worst Batman game, and it's not really a bad game in general, it just has some things about it that suck, so-
Joker: Ohh! Would you like to play a bad game, Batman? How about the Game Boy version, Return of the Joker! (inserts the game into the Game Boy while laughing) Have fun, motherfucker! (gives the Batnerd the Game Boy while laughing some more)
Batnerd: OK, Return of the Joker on Game Boy. The game begins, and what does it sound like? (the stage select music plays and then the Mega Man 2 stage select music plays) I don't know why I'm making all these observations. I guess I just have Mega Man on the mind. So anyway, it's completely different from the NES version. You main attack is punching, but you can also collect other weapons. And the wall jump is back too, so it's actually more like the first NES game. But there's also a grappling hook, which is really annoying, because you can never get it to work when you need it work!
Joker: It's like Jungle Hunt. Did you ever play Jungle Hunt? (the Joker sings the "Jungle Hunt" music and laughs)
Batnerd: And other times, it just has a mind of its own! The control is overly complicated. It seems like they should've had either the wall jump or the grappling hook, not both! Here, there's deadly sewer water rising up. I'm desperately trying to make my way to the other platforms, but instead, I keep bouncing around the place! Alright, so I'm just trying to get the power up that's up there. Trying to do the wall jump and the fucking grappling hook's going off. Uggh, missed again. Alright here we go, I just wanna get - there we go. OK, see, now I got the power-up now I just wanna land but it isn't even, and then the grappling hook goes off, I don't wanna go that way, I wanna go to the right! Alright, I made it, but now the wall jump like sends me back, it's like, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BACK, I WANT TO GO TO THE RIGHT! The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle! And I really hate that grappling hook! Ok now jump! FUCK! Alright, here we go again. Fuck! I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker. Oh, I can't believe this, GET UP THERE! GET UP THERE! That's it, I can't play this game any more! I can't even finish the first fucking level!
Joker: Ohoohoohoo! Oh, what're you playing, Return of the Joker? Didn't you just play Return of the Joker? Return of the Joker, Return of the Joker, but how about Revenge of the Joker for the Sega Genesis! (laughs) Oh, Return of the Joker, Revenge of the Joker! Return, oh Return, Revenge, Return, Revenge, (the Joker laughs, puts the game in the Sega 32X add-on for the Sega Genesis and gives the Batnerd the Sega Genesis controller)
Batnerd: OK, so this is not Return, but Revenge of the Joker. To start off, it looks promising enough. It's basically a 16-bit version of the NES game Return of the Joker. Why does it take so long to destroy the crates? All it is is just a power-up, it should take one shot. It's like in Fester's Quest, all those fucking purple blobs you gotta shoot. (Batman kicks the crate) Oh, so you have a kick? I got it, alright, kick for the crates and firepower for everything else. What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing, what's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?! Then you get these live gargoyle statues, ones that attack. Oh, God, shoot them in the head, and nothing happens. Shoot them down in the uh, mid section, and nothing happens. Oh, my God. It's like, what am I supposed to do here? I just keep shooting him and nothing happens. Alright, so I'm trying to slide into him and nothing happens. Oh, my God, I'm fucking dead! Alright, this time, I'm gonna try jumping over him. THAT DOESN'T WORK EITHER! I TRY HITTING HIM IN EVERY SPOT THAT I CAN! OK, so you can kill him? I just don't know how to do it but... WELL, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! DAMN!
OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?!?!?! WHAT, DO THEY JUST DIE WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT, like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? IT'S JUST THE FIRST LEVEL OF THE GAME! AGAIN, THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CATASTROPHE!
Joker: (laughing some more) Oh, the gargoyles, they're after you!
Batnerd: I'm sick of this shit! I've had enough of this shit! Come on! (the Batnerd escapes the ropes)
Joker: No, you're not gonna get loose! Ohh!
(Batnerd and the Joker fight each other and eventually the Batnerd punches the Joker through a wall of cardboard boxes. They keep fighting until the Joker falls on the couch and the Nerd grabs some of the Batman games)
Batnerd: I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass! (names each game before shoving it) Batman: Revenge of the Joker! Batman: Return of the Joker! Batman Forever! Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64!
(After the Cinemassacre Credits) HOLY BATSHIT!
- When you fight the still gargoyles, you have to do a kick attack in order to kill the gargoyles in one hit.