The Nerd: It's a Nintoaster. And yes, it works.
(The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme starts)
The Nerd: Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: Action 52: "Fuck this game, please do a review of it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow. I guess I got to do it now.
The Nerd: Let's start with the cartridge. It's the freak misfit of the NES library. Games came in gray, black, blue, silver, gold... but clear? You can tell just by looking at it; this is a game that's so bad, it has nothing to hide.
The Nerd: Another thing, if you play for more than an hour, not that you'd want to, it gets really hot and smells like burning plastic. It's not because of the toaster. The same thing happens if you play it in the Toploader.
The Nerd: Not only is this game crap, but it's crap that comes with a price: $199.00.
The Nerd: That's a lot of money. But there's 52 games. (The Nerd takes out his calculator out of his shirt pocket and starts doing calculations) So let me calculate this: $199 divided by 52 equals... (calculator shows 3.826923) Uh... well, you gotta pay tax too, so let's just say $4 a game.
The Nerd: Wow. What a deal. 52 action-packed games bundled in to one cartridge? All for an efficient price? It was every kid's dream. MORE GAMES! MORE GAMES! YEAH!
(Game starts up)
The Nerd: Lights... Camera... Action 52! Awww-hawwww! Where did they get the music?
(scene shows an album from Rob Base & D.J. E-Z Rock: "It Takes Two.") (music that also plays from that album in "Action 52" is the digitized version of "It Takes Two.")
The Nerd: Okay... um, the significance? It Takes Two, Action 52? (shrugs)
Digitized Voice: Make your selection now.
The Nerd: Well, let's get this thing started. We're gonna have ourselves a little marathon here and determine if the $199 was worth it.
(Keep in mind, some glitches the Nerd encountered in this episode on his cartridge can be problems with his individual copy of the cartridge, being because they poorly designed each cartridge of Action 52 and Cheetahmen 2. If only the Nerd knew that.)
1. Firebreather / Fire Breathers
The Nerd: Game Number One: Firebreather. Okay... well, it's pretty self-explanatory. And would you know this is the only game on the entire cartridge that's two players only? Gee, which game should we start with? Well, how about the only game you can't play alone? Well, that's $4 wasted already.
2. Starevil / Star Evil
The Nerd: Number 2: Star Evil.
(The Nerd starts the game and the plane, in which he is controlling, starts by crashing into a wall. He is shocked.)
The Nerd: Who's gonna dodge that? Nobody. Not the first time. You'd have to know: "Oh, this is gonna be a vertical 2D shooter, and there's gonna be an obstacle immediately at the start of the game."
The Nerd: Well, that's one way to get you on your toes. Other than that, it's real easy. As long as you keep firing, none of the enemies come anywhere near you. I guess that makes sense. If I was an intergalatic vacuum cleaner getting shot at, I'd be like, "Oh, fuckin' Hell! There's a menorah shooting Q-Tips! Get out of the way!"
The Nerd: Not even the first level boss wants to be involved. Sometimes it doesn't show up at all, and you're stuck in a dead end. What happened? Did the game give up? Ugh. That's another $4. Next.
The Nerd: Number 3: Illuminator.
The Nerd: You're not even allowed to see in this game? Real "fun" idea. For a room that has about a thousand light bulbs, it sure goes dark a lot. And they're just decoration. Thought you could light a room with a light? No, you got to kill vampires. But, after you've killed one, you only get one second before the room goes dark again.
The Nerd: Who wants to play a game that's pitch black? It's so black I could see my reflection in the screen. The question is: How much more black could this be? And the answer... is none. And no, you can't go any higher. This is it. Great fucking game.
4. G-Force Fgt. / G-Force (G-Force Fighter)
The Nerd: Number 4: G-Force F--... what?! Or just G-Force. It's another 2D shooter. You know what? This would be okay... for Atari 2600. The only two controls are move and shoot. This game was made in 1991, the same year Super NES came out. Not to mention, if you wanna play a good 2D side-scroller game on the NES, try fucking Life Force.
The Nerd: And what is this anyway? An inside-out dolphin shooting at roadkill toads? I don't know, I'm just using my imagination. That's all you have when you play this miserable pile of goat shit.
The Nerd: Number 5: Ooze. (sarcastically) Oh, wow. A title screen? Really? (sees some green blobs on the screen) (shocked) Oh, my God, it's... it's...! (Multiple Shit Pickles appear, startling the Nerd)
Shit Pickle: Shit Pickle, Shit Pickle!
The Nerd: WOAH HOH!
Shit Pickle: Shit Pickle, Shit Pickle, Shit Pickle!
The Nerd: WOAH!
Shit Pickle: Shit Pickle!
The Nerd: OH!
Shit Pickle: Shit Pickle!
The Nerd: Uh--
'Shit Pickle:Pickle! Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shit!'
The Nerd: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Shit Pickle:Shit Pickle!
The Nerd: Alllllrighty then. Okay.
The Nerd: Well, this is the first game that uses the B button. FOR JUMPING! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects A to jump. (which B, for jumping, is usually found in many bootleg games) But, that's the least of our worries. To jump over a hole, you have to tap the B button, and then press over. If you're holding the B button like you normally would, it locks you vertically until you let go. It's an anomaly of game programming.
The Nerd: You know what's really weird? Whenever you restart the menu, it always starts at Ooze. Is that the programmers' personal recommendation? Well, so far, every one of these games is a bomb. But out of 52, I'm sure that eventually we'll find one that's decent. (drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock, has a worried expression) I hope.
6. Silver Sword
The Nerd: Number 6: Silver Sword. Well, green, green, and more green. What is this? A cabbage patch on a golf course? Infested with killer scrotums? This is a disgrace to the NES. The same platform that brought us games like The Legend of Zelda. Silver Sword. The sword isn't even silver. Maybe it's corroded.
7. Critical BP. / Crytical Bypass (Critical Bypass)
The Nerd: Number 7: Critical BP. Or Critical Bypass. Oh, now it's spelled with a Y? Aww, that's dreadful. It's like an optical illusion. Well, that's pretty bad, when the game causes eye strain and you can't even fucking look at it.
The Nerd: What is this anyway? A pogo ball on a segway shooting at birthday presents? Augh, Critical Bypass. It's critical that you bypass this game.
8. Jupitr Scope / Jupiter Scope
The Nerd: Number 8: Jupiter Scope. Nice. Another space shooter. This time you're a dead whale shooting at flaming condoms. That's what it looks like. The screen never moves. It's like Space Invaders, except without many invaders. Half of the time, you're just sitting around waiting.
The Nerd: Come on. Give me something to shoot at. Losing at this game is impossible. Just hold down the fire button and move back and forth. Okay. What's next?
9. Alfredo / Alfred N The Fettuc (Alfred and the Fettuccine)
Number 9: Alfredo. Or Alfred N The Fettuc. Yeah, fettuc. You never heard of fettuc?
(The Nerd expects a game, only to be greeted with a black screen because of the poorly-designed cartridge.)
The Nerd: What happened? Where's the fucking game?
(The Nerd gets up and resets the game; as he starts Alfredo again, there is no luck)
The Nerd: Well, there's no game here. What happened? Did the programmers pass out, or did they just figure nobody would check all 52 games? Well, that's $4 wasted. But I guess I can't say I'm really too excited over playing a game called Alfredo, also known as Alfred N The Fettuc.
10. Operat. Moon / Operation Full Moon
The Nerd: Number 10: Operation Full Moon. Now, that's puke green if I ever saw it. The nauseating hue combined with a texture of vomit makes me think that this game ate Silver Sword and barfed it out.
11. Dam Busters
The Nerd: Number 11: Dam Busters. Those damn busters. Well, it should've been called "Alien Beaver Tomato Fight". That's all it is. You're a beaver shooting tomatoes and navigating through a maze. Oops, dead end.
(The beaver is trapped in the dead end, and can't get out.)
The Nerd: What the shit? You can't go back? I'm trapped? You're shitting me! This game...is shitting me.
(scene shows Action 52 cartridge literally shitting him out)
The Nerd: Number 12: Thrusters. Another space shooter. Well, it's the same game as before, just different graphics. Where do they come up with these objects? I'm running out of imagination here. I can't decide for anything-(The game starts glitching up) Especially when the game starts having a FUCKING SEIZURE!
13. Haunted Hill / Haunted Halls (Haunted Halls of Wentworth)
The Nerd: Number 13: Haunted Hill. Wow. A human being. I can't believe it actually looks like something. Man, her boobs are bigger than her head.
The Nerd: It's a shitty side-scroller with the same bad controls as Ooze. Sadly, it's the best game so far. Outta the way, you fucking ghosts, here comes Mrs. Tits, jumping like she's on the fucking moon! Die, you onion face balloon floating... uh... thing. (It might actually be a spider, just you can't see the legs because they are the same color as the background.)
(The character dies in mid-air.)
The Nerd: I died by touching the AIR?!
14. Chill Out
The Nerd: Number 14: Chill Out. I wish I could chill out. This is horrendous. This one's basically an Eskimo snowball massacre. Climb down shits and ladders and throw snowballs. What's this? I died in mid-air?! That seems to be a theme we're running into here. This game... doesn't even care it sucks.
The Nerd: Gee... How much money did we waste so far? Like, $56, I think? That's already exceeded the average price of a Nintendo game.
The Nerd: Number 15: Sharks. Yeah. Sharks. Sometimes sharks. Most of the time not. Well, you're stuck on this one screen, but you sure have full rein. You can swim through the ocean floor. (The ocean floor may actually be part of the background.) And that's all it is. Just hope for sharks to come and shoot 'em.
The Nerd: Number 16: Megalonia. ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER?! Flying through McDonald's arches? No, thanks.
17. French Baker
The Nerd: Number 17: French Baker. Oh, man. You're a chef and the kitchen is really getting out of hand. Everything's trying to kill you: hoagies, envelopes, and doughnuts. (The Nerd pronounces it Dog Nuts) And what do you do? Hit 'em with your rolling pin and... don't drop down. You'll disintegrate. That's always nice.
18. Atmos Quake
The Nerd: Number 18: Atmos Quake. Agh! ANOTHER SPACE SHOOTER?! I pass.
The Nerd: (Sigh) I'm only up to number 19? Geez. Fuck.
The Nerd: Number 19: Meong. (The character advances four steps, then explodes, shocking the Nerd) What the fuck?! (replay) Okay, get this: You move from square to square hoping that the next square won't make you explode. So, it's like a memory game that can only be done with trial and error. Good Lord.
20. Space Dreams
The Nerd: Number 20: Space Dreams. (sarcastically) Oh, my. What's this gonna be? (normal voice) Why, of course. Another space shooter. This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game. (2 seconds later) Where do they come up with this stuff?
Action 52 Designer: (played by James D. Rolfe, who plays the Nerd) Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (he sees a safety pin that was lying on his table and picks it up) Ahh! Safety pin! That'll be perfect! (he puts the safety pin down and types in the computer) Next game. [ :) ]
The Nerd: Number 21: Streemerz. You're a clown climbing up platforms like Spider-Man. Ooh, a rabbit in a hat. What does that do? Nothing at all. A bag of money? How about that? It turns into a green frowning face. Is that supposed to teach you a lesson that taking money is greedy? No, I think I'm reading way too deep into it. Oh, then the game crashes. Good.
22. Spread Fire
The Nerd: Number 22: Spread Fire. What is this?! They should've called this "Shooter Games 52"! This time, you're a lobster. You don't go anywhere and half the time, there's nothing to shoot at. These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Make a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.
23. Bublgum Rosy / Bubble Gum Rossie (Bubble Gum Rosie)
The Nerd: Number 23: Bubble Gum Rosy. Or Bubble Gum Rossie. (sarcastically) Yay! I've always wanted to play a game where I'm a little girl shooting bubbles! (normally) Wait a minute. You can't even kill people? Well, what do you expect? They're bubbles. You can jump on the enemies. Or wait... can you? And falling in spikes...doesn't hurt you. This game... has no rules.
24. Micro Mike / Micro-Mike
The Nerd: Number 24: Micro-Mike. Wow. Look out, Micro-Mike. You're going too fast. Even if you have the quickest reflexes, you'll never be able to avoid the walls or other random objects that stand in your way. If only Micro-Mike would slow the fuck down!
The Nerd: Number 25: Underground. Well, at least it looks like underground. (Dies by touching the mushroom) Wait a minute, this guy can fall down 50 feet and survive, but if he touches the mushroom, he spins around like a bowling pin and dies? (ends up with an obstacle of enemies, that would be impossible to avoid) And what am I supposed to do here? What do I do?
(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock)'
The Nerd: Wow. 25 shitty games...and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make? Out of all these, there's got to be at least one that's... tolerable.
26. Rocket Jock / Rocket Jockey
The Nerd: Number 26: Rocket Jock. Or Rocket Jockey. (sigh) You're a cowboy on a rocket with a lasso. If you actually use the lasso, that would be...kind of cool. But I guess they figured they didn't have enough games that SHOOT. Yeah, kill those cows. Turn them into, uh... a bowl of cereal with a puppy dog. (it's actually a cow upside down, bleeding)
27. Non Human
The Nerd: Number 27: Non Human. Well, isn't that an appropriate title? Everything about these games are non-human. Except for that very human-like face. Or are they aliens? Or what are these for? Other than the faces just being the area where you die, which takes up half the screen. (annoyed) Augh, you know you're playing a "great" game when you can't even jump over a hole. Augh, you can try all day, but you'll always fall down into the purple dimension of green faces.
28. Cry Baby
The Nerd: Number 28: Cry Baby. By now, you'd be crying. So it's like the game is mocking you. Okay, what's wrong with this picture? (switches between the baby and an enemy) Baby? Adult? Baby? Adult? And what about him, huh? What the Hell is going on here? Why does the floor look like ice cube trays? What are you attacking with? Why do you die when you fall off the furniture? Why? What? Why?
The Nerd: Number 29: Slashers. Uh... Slashers? I thought it would be like a horror game. Instead, it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous. It makes Bad Dudes look like a masterpiece.
The Nerd: At least the backgrounds change. What are these? Beer steins? You're not even allowed to walk past anybody. When an enemy appears, you stop dead in your tracks and can't move until you have a punching match to the death. There's zero strategy. You just mash buttons. And what are these? Hookers? I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Die, boob lady! Ugh!
30. Crazy Shufle / Crazy Shuffle
The Nerd: Number 30: Crazy Shuffle. Could the characters be any smaller? You're a tiny, indescribable object shooting tiny dots at other tiny objects. Sounds like fun? Well, guess what? It isn't.
31. Fuzz Power
The Nerd: Number 31: Fuzz Power. Well, fuzz is right. You're some guy with a big nose, big feet, and lots of fuzz. You roll around fighting blow dryers and haircombs. What's that? Popcorn? Oh, no! I'm getting hit! I'm losing my fuzz! Now I'm... naked. Yeah.
The Nerd: Whoever came up with this is an asshole!
(screen shows the Nerd on TV. Below the TV is a caption reading TV Version)
The Nerd: Whoever came up with this is an ass[bleep]! Ass! Hole? Ass[bleep]! (shrugs and shakes his head) Television makes a "lot" of sense.
32. Shooting Gal / Shooting Gallery
The Nerd: Number 32: Shooting Gallery. The easiest shooting game ever. The targets never disappear until you hit them, there's no time limit, you never run out of ammo, and you can't die. Which means the game will never end. Fortunately, you can go back to the menu by pausing the game and hitting Select. (black screen) Augh, except for this game. The one fucking game that doesn't end crashes when you try to quit. Reset. (yet again, being because of his cartridge.)
33. Lollipops / Lollipop
The Nerd: Number 33: Lollipop. Are you kidding me? Why not a sword or a machine gun? Who wants a fucking lollipop?
The Nerd: How do you climb up a ladder? Wanna take a guess? Pushing Up on the D-Pad? No, you jump. Who the Hell jumps up a ladder? And you know what? The controls in all these games are so bad, I've forgotten that B is jump and A is attack. I've been playing for so long, I've sort of adapted to its crap factor. I swear, next time I play a regular platformer, I'm gonna try jumping with B.
34. Evil Empire
The Nerd: Number 34: Evil Empire. Augh. Game sprites so small you need a magnifying glass? That seems to be a theme here too. Look at that. There's some crazy shit going on over there. I wanna join the party. Oops. Dying in mid-air. I can understand dying because you're jumping from too high, but can't they at least make you die when you hit the ground?!
The Nerd: Number 35: Sombreros. Well, I guess you're wearing a sombrero, shooting at vacuum cleaners on the street. Not much to say.
The Nerd: I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like, Little Red Hood, that's a horrible game, but at least it's ONE horrible game, not 52! You know what's more fun than playing Action 52? (the Nerd picks up his deck of poker cards) 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? (the Nerd scatters the cards onto the ground) PICK UP THE CARDS!
36. Storm Over D / Storm Over the Des. (Storm Over The Desert)
The Nerd: Number 36: Storm Over the Desert. Ooh. Another title screen. So you're an army tank shooting at other army tanks, which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fucking pussies.
The Nerd: What the Hell? A giant Saddam Hussein? How did they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why Saddam? Now I'm getting tired of this. Can someone at least try to kill me? Hey, you! You! Get over here! Mmmmmmmmgh! Pause and Select, get me out of here.
The Nerd: Well, at least we're in the home stretch. The third and final menu screen. Another thing that gets incredibly annoying: whenever you die or reset, you have to go back to the first menu every single time. So, it's hard to keep track where you left off.
37. Mash Man
The Nerd: Number 37: Mash Man. Well, Mash Man looks like Fuzz Power with clothes on. Jumping on eyeballs in front of Lego Land. Ugh. Next game.
38. They Came / They Came...
The Nerd: Number 38: They Came. They came... from where? From space? No, that can't be. Ugh. Next.
39. Lazer League
The Nerd: Number 39: Lazer League. Well, I'm glad they spelled laser with a Z, because that's how you say it. You don't say "lacer." By the way, horizontal 2D space shooter. Next.
40. Billy Bob
The Nerd: Number 40: Billy Bob. This is different. It's like Indiana Jones, except it's Billy Bob. I'm kind of stunned that this game has some fluent animation here.
(Billy Bob dies in mid-air.)
The Nerd: Of course. I should've learned. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You will hit the air so hard you will die. You can't jump to the ledge either. That doesn't work. And if you stand there too long, you die. So, how do you get over? I don't know. Second screen of the game, and it's a dead end.
41. City of Doom
The Nerd: Number 41: City of Doom. You're climbing the tallest building in the world while the tenants throw bowling balls at you. That's it. It goes on...and on...and on. How tall is this building? It must lead into outer space-- oh, no. Please, please, not space. (it actually does)
42. Bits N Piece / Bits and Pieces
The Nerd: Number 42: Bits and Pieces. Ooh, a monster game. You're a guy in a cemetery jumping over monsters. That's it. You jump... and jump... and jump. You know what would be nice? An attack? Or how about a health bar? How about anything like a NORMAL FUCKING GAME?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
43. Beeps N Blip / Beeps and Blips
The Nerd: Number 43: Beeps and Blips. You're a shape shooting at other shapes. What are these? Reject sprites from other video games thrown together?
44. Manchester (Manchester Beat)
The Nerd: Number 44: Manchester. A guy jumping on music boxes punching in the air. I don't get it.
45. Boss (The Boss)
The Nerd: Number 45: Boss. Who would think "Boss" means a frog running around with a gun getting ambushed by falling bombs? That's what they should've called it: "Bombs".
The Nerd: There's no way to avoid them. If you go too early, the bomb gets you. If you go too late, the next one gets you.
The Nerd: Number 46: Dedant. You're an ant trying to make other ants "Dedants". Like the Pink Panther. (The Nerd starts singing the Pink Panther Theme: Dedant. Dedant. Dedant, dedant, dedant, dedant.) But, if the ants make it to the bottom of the screen, you're fucked. Because you can only move left and right.
The Nerd: What makes this ant different from the rest? Oh, it's pink. And anything pink in this game sucks.
47. Hambo / Hambo's Adventures
The Nerd: Number 47: Hambo. A pig version of Rambo? No, that would've been too clever. It's just a guy jumping over 8-balls and shit. Or trying to jump over.
The Nerd: This is fucking horseshit. How did they fuck up the jumping controls so bad? Have the programmers ever played another video game? Moving on.
48. Timewarp / Time Warp Tickers
The Nerd: Number 48: Time Warp Tickers. (The Nerd is shocked when he sees the game) You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard land with upside down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? "Time?"? When you kill things, it says "Time?"? What does that mean? Time to play another fucking game?
The Nerd: Number 49: Jigsaw. (The Nerd is greeted with another black screen.) It crashed. (sighs) (relieved) Oh, thank God! Next game.
50. Ninja Asault / Ninja Assault
The Nerd: Number 50: Ninja Assault. Another beat 'em up, if you even call it that. No strategy. You just mash buttons. (Imitating the attack cry from the game: Hah!) Hough! (Hah!) Hough! (Hah!) Hough!
51. Robbie Robot / Robbie N The Robots
The Nerd: Number 51: Robbie the Robot. More like "Robbie the Sunglass Wearing Bart Simpson Look-Alike in a Blue Dress". Guess how this game works? You move to the right and shoot. That's all. Nothing can stop you. You could literally play this game with your eyes closed. Until the second level when there's holes. Now you're screwed.
(The Nerd gets enraged and throws down the NES controller)
The Nerd: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You could take $199, stand on a bridge, and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything then spend it on a broken down, dysfunctional disaster of video game programming!
The Nerd: With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things!
The Nerd: It should've been ILLEGAL for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Could they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity: That's our lesson here.
(The Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: Well, there's one game left. So it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this be the one that all the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of this shit sundae? We can only hope.
(To Be Continued)
- It actually is possible to die in Storm Over The Desert, which means the only game you can't lose is Shooting Gallery.
- In Billy Bob, on the second screen, you have to do a running jump instead of jumping from a standstill. In addition, if you beat the levels, you gain access to a Cheetahmen stage.
- Alfredo is where you play as a chef attacking pasta, while in Jigsaw, you play as a carpenter attacking toolboxes and tools.
- The green face in Streemerz means you took damage. In addition, the pick-ups (the money bags and magic wands) AREN'T actually supposed to hurt you, but a bug in the code causes them to do so.
- The Nerd doesn't mention that there was a contest prize of $104,000 if players beat level 5 of Ooze. It is unwinnable due to the game crashing on level 2.
- Rolfe doesn't mention that some of the music in Action 52 was taken from Atari ST.
- The "Yeah! Woo!" drum break was actually from Think (About It) by Lynn Collins.
- The building in City of Doom actually does lead into space.
- At Chill Out, when the Nerd talks about how much money was wasted, his guess was correct.