The Town With No Name (CDTV) - Angry Video Game Nerd (Episode 163)
(Ominous music plays)
Narrator: Previously, on the Angry Video Game Nerd...
(The CD32 logo is shown. Various scenes of the games played by the Nerd in the last episode are shown, while ominous music continues. Cut to Nerd looking at the back of the Zool game case.)
The Nerd: (confused) Huh?
(Cut to back of game case. Nerd reads the text on the back.)
The Nerd: "Warning: Do not play Track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player." (cut to Nerd with confused expression) Why not? I have to find out.
(Loud, suspenseful, orchestrated music plays, as Nerd puts Zool CD into his Sony boombox. Nerd presses Play and static plays out of the speakers.)
The Nerd: I guess the reason they tell you not to do it is because this game has the soundtrack, and Track 1 is the game file, so it doesn't work. (tosses Zool game case on couch) Anyway...
(holds The Town With No Name game case up)
The Nerd: Today, we're gonna play [The] Town With No Name. But first, we gotta talk about the system it ran on, the Commodore CDTV, which was basically a home computer and a CD-ROM drive crammed into an aluminum coffin. Know what CDTV stands for? Compact Disc Television? No. It actually stands for Commodore Dynamic Total Vision. Wow. What a shitty, redundant acronym, because it's the Commodore CDTV, which means Commodore Commodore Dynamic Total Vision. Kinda like how DC Comics is technically Detective Comics Comics? Ever notice that?
The Nerd: Alright, just gotta go get my CDTV...somewhere over here. (cut to shot of shelf of consoles) Intelligames... Coleco...Famicom...where is it? (cut to Nerd) I don't have a CDTV right now to play it, although the CDTV is basically the same as the Amiga 500 PC, which I also don't have. The Town With No Name can be played on anything using the Amiga Advanced Graphics Architecture chipset, as found...in the Amiga CD32. You gotta be kidding me... (Nerd walks outside to dumpster where he threw out his Amiga CD32, and rummages through garbage to get it again.) Ugh, oh God!
(Nerd walks back inside and sits on couch.)
The Nerd: Alright, here we go again! But, before we can play the game, let's talk about the cover. Ugh, look at this ugly mess. Even the weird Mega Man from the NES cover would look at this thing and vomit. Oh, and it says on the back here, "Congratulations! You have been personally selected from literally thousands of possible candidates to experience The Town With No Name." Huh. THE Town with No Name. Well, the front just says Town with No Name, no "the". Let's see if the disc... (Nerd opens case) Huh, and the disc says, Town with No Name.
(Nerd opens up CD32 and puts a disc in it)
The Nerd: Okay, alright...let's pop this fucker in here. Ugh, good thing I didn't throw away the paint can. (he puts a paint can on the console)
(a fake ad for a paint can add-on starts up with hard rock music and footage of the CD32 games like Dangerous Streets or Beavers in the background)
Announcer: "ENHANCE YOUR GAME!!! ENHANCE YOUR LIFE!!! BECOME A TRUE CD32 MASTER, AND REACH A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF GAMING EXCELLENCE, WITH THIS BRAND NEW ADD-ON!!! Sold in these fine retailers."
(Nerd finally plays (The) Town with No Name)
The Nerd: Ugh, it looks worst than I thought it would! So the train stops, and this guy gets off and just squashes the happiest spider in the world. And why is there so much blood?!
The Man with No Name: "Say, old timer. What place is this?"
The Nerd: Unbelievable. The lip-sync is actually worse than Drake of the 99 Dragons.
(the title screen shows up saying "THE TOWN WITH NO NAME")
The Nerd: Oh, wait, hold on..."THE Town With No Name"? Okay, so if we assume that the title in the ACTUAL game is the one that's correct, that would mean the back of the box is correct, but... the front is wrong, which is actually worse; the disk is wrong, th-the spine is wrong, and let's see what it says inside the manual. It says...(opens up the manual revealing...)...NOTHING! "The Town With No Name"? More like "The Instructions With No Words"! Oh, I thought the instructions in "Home Improvement" was bad, where it's all covered up. This... is even LESS helpful!
(the title screen continues)
The Nerd: "From an idea by... Charlie Watts"? The drummer from Rolling Stones? Oh, was the game drawn by Keith Richards while he was on drugs?! "Music by The Jester"...heh! Oh, that's quite a jest!
(the main menu shows up)
The Nerd: Oh, boy. It's another menu. I can get back on the train, head in to town, or talk to the old timer. Fuck this, I'm getting back on the train.
(The Man with No Name, the main character of the game, gets back on the train squashing an already squashed spider with an obnoxious fart noise and is about to leave)
Random kid: "Come back, Shane!"
(The Man with No Name shoots away a kid with his revolver, creating a sound like a clap instead of a loud BANG)
The Nerd (shocked): He shot... a kid?!
"NotShane Kid": "My name's not Shane, kid!"
(A short, furturistic looping tune plays as the train flies away to the stars and "The End" shows up)
The Nerd: This is just...oh, boy! That's a new one! I-- I thought I was hallucinating, I-I-I thought it was the paint fumes coming from my CD32 add-on, but no! It's the game!
The Nerd: So here it is, for real this time. So you walk into the town and some asshole immediately starts shootin' at you. From what I can tell, he can't kill you. So, all you have to do is... click on 'im.
(The Man with No Name shoots with his revolver and hits the bad guy)
Bad Guy (bleeding all over the place and falling down): "Dang! That's torn it! ÆUUUGH!" *dies*
The Nerd: For Fred Fuchs' sake, what's with all the blood?! This game has more blood than Mortal Kombat! And the front of the cover, says: "Entertainment For All Ages"! Where's the ESRB when you need 'em?
The Nerd: Turns out the guy you killed is the little brother of Evil Eb, the leader of the Hole-in-the-Head gang, and now he'll stop at nothing to hunt you down. So on to yet another menu. That's pretty much all the game is - navigating menus. It's basically "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties", but in the Wild West, and way worse, believe it or not. Alright, let's go get a drink at the Saloon.
(awful Wild West music plays while the camera aims at the saloon)
The Nerd: Uhh...! Another ear-splitting hit from the Jester. So in the saloon, you get a drink... if you can catch it.
(The Man with No Name doesn't catch a pint of beer and it falls down breaking)
The Nerd: You can also play this shitty card game. It's just Three-card Monte, but you can't get out of it until you've played three whole games of it. And it goes on forever. You can also go upstairs and check out the rooms. One room has a hooker that you can sleep with. Yeah, "entertainment for all ages".
(a hooker falls down, probably fainting)
The Man with No Name: "Oh, no! What a time to discover I have a hygiene problem!"
The Nerd: But she'll reject you until you take a bath, and then...
(The Man with No Name and a hooker kiss and somebody off screen starts yodeling)
The Nerd: Well, that was horrifying. The last room is some guy throwin' knives at you, and I'm dead.
(the noise of either tires screeching and engines revving or an airplane falling down while the camera flies through the town and stops at the grave with a CRASH. The grave says "YOU ARE HERE")
The Nerd: Well, the Evil Dead reference is a nice touch, but trust me, you're gonna get sick of it. Oh, cool; I'm back at the beginning. At least Plumbers Don't Wear Ties lets you start where you left off, but this game...has no mercy!
The Nerd: So after playin' through the same shit, over and over, I found out something. Basically, all you have to do to progress the story is to walk into a location, and then leave. Every time you leave, you get a cutscene with the "Back to the Future" font, for some reason. I guess because the third Back to the Future takes place in the Wild West? Then a new guy comes to town, and you duel him. You don't need to do anything; just walk in, walk out, and that's it. Each location has absolutely no bearing on the story, except for the Saloon, which we'll get to in a bit. They're just pointless diversions meant to waste your time.
The Nerd: There's a store with this creepy fuck who sells you a special offer.
Creepy Clerk (speaking faster than Eminem in Rap God): "Step right up, sir, step right up, and take advantage of today's once-in-a-lifetime never-to-be-repeated mega special offer!"
The Nerd: Yeah, a special offer; it's one baked bean. Man, I hope that's a joke. I can't imagine anyone putting themselves through the torture of collecting all 425 of these.
The Nerd: There's a jail house where you can see the rogue's gallery. It's supposed to be the guys who try to kill you, but I'm pretty sure it's the creators of the game. Honestly, for creating this shit, they deserve to be put in jail!
The Nerd: Alright, next is the Church.
(loud organ music, way louder and more annoying than the saloon tune)
The Nerd (he drops the Amiga CD32 controller, and covering his ears): AHH! That Jester! That-- Mmmh! That... fuck! So here you can talk to this priest, who mumbles something, and then... um... flies into the ceiling?
The Nerd: The stable has this googly-eyed horse, and I love that damn horse; it's hilarious! You can try to steal it, but it kicks your ass all across the town! Still love it, though.
The Nerd: There's the blacksmith, where this Clint-Eastwood-lookin' guy is just hangin' out. You can talk to him, or you shoot 'im. Whatever you want.
(the blacksmith shoots The Man with No Name in the head blowing it off without single drop of blood)
The Nerd (shocked): I don't know what I expected... but it wasn't THAT! My head gets blown, CLEAN off, and there isn't a SINGLE drop of blood. I mean, th- the spider bleeds like it's nobody's fuckin' business, but your head...like, c'mon!
The Nerd: Like I said, all you have to do is enter a place, then exit and duel. The first guy is Nasty Ned. He's really easy; just click on 'im when you see 'im, and he's dead.
Nasty Ned (gets shot in the heart): "¡Caramba! That really hurt! Oh, I am gonna fall over now, so byyyeee..."
The Nerd: Zippy Zeke, on the other hand is a bastard and a half. He pops up all over the place and you only have like a second to hit him, which is almost impossible, because the cursor on this thing is slower than a turd coming out the asshole of a constipated snail. The only way to win here is to watch the pattern, figure out where he'll be, and put your cursor there, Then you hit that button faster than diarrhea comin' out the asshole of an unconstipated cheetah. (after clicking the button, Grim the Reaper shows up)
The Nerd: The third guy you fight is Crafty Clint, but he ain't that crafty. He just comes in at the bottom corner of the screen, and you shoot 'im.
The Nerd: Eventually, you'll get stuck. I ran around every single location, clicking every single option, before I finally found out what to do. The next guy only comes out when you head to the Saloon and choose to play cards. But seriously, how was I supposed to know that? He explains the rules for like an hour, and it's really obvious that the voice actor was just reading a cue card because he stumbles in places.
Wildcard McVee: "The loser has to pay 1¢ per point. 10... picture cards and aces all cost 10¢."
The Nerd: Eventually, I win, and he gets pissed off.
Wildcard McVee: "Nobody beats me, and nobody cheats me. And you've been trying to do both. Let's settle this, now. Out in the str--"
(loud gunshot and The Man with No Name's body shatters like a broken glass)
The Nerd: And then I'm back at the beginning again. Y'know, with this game, you make one tiny step forward, and then it sets you all the way back. It's like a friend comes over and says, "Hey! You wanna play 'Rock-Paper-Scissors?" So you're gonna play it, but then instead, he just punches you right in the face, and then he says, "You wanna play again?" And you're like, "Okay...", and this time you're ready for it. So this time, you go to punch him in the face first, but then he kicks you in the balls, and he says, "You wanna play again?" And you say yes...
The Nerd: ...but this time as soon as the motherfucker starts talkin', I SHOOT HIM!
Wildcard McVee (gets shot in the heart): "Oh, no. This waistcoat is ruined (...and it's gone right through the shirt, as well!)."
The Nerd: So now he's dead, and it plays a dramatic cutscene.
Bad Bart: "Do you have the right time, old ma- (n?)"
(Pop Goes the Weasel plays in the background fading into dramatic organ version)
Old Man: "...no."
The Nerd: So finally, after killing the last two guys, you face the main bad guy: Evil Eb. He jitters around and... whispers his lines. [whispers] It's like the voice actor didn't want to wake his parents in the next room.
Evil Eb: "Let's get started!"
The Nerd: "It's a anti-climactic, to say the least." So this time, you spare Evil Eb, and get the thrilling conclusion to the story. If only the audio would stop cutting.
Evil Eb: "Go on then, Billy Bob. Finish me off."
The Man with No Name: "Billy Bo- (b?)"
Evil Eb: "You mean you're not Billy Bob?"
The Nerd: So it turns out, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You showed up to the wrong city, and Eb thought you were someone else, so you walk off to the Saloon with Evil Eb ("The End" shows up) to grab a whiskey, and then the game just kicks your ass back to the beginning!
The Nerd: Well. That's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD32 ever again, and just to make SURE this time, I'm sendin' this thing back to the depths of Hell!
(Nerd picks up a Nintendo Super Scope and a Sega Menacer and starts firing on the Amiga CD32 like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.)
The Nerd: HADOUKEN!!! (6X) FINGER FIRES!!! (3X) FUCK-FIRE!!! (3X)
The Nerd: You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because this thing, needs to be destroyed, for real; I'm not jokin' around. I'm goin' practical! I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal!
(in the backyard, 'Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD32 on the table, brings an ACTUAL FLAMETHROWER and fires at the console)
The Nerd: HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?!
(Amiga CD32's battery explodes)
The Nerd: YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN!
(Amiga slowly melts down)
The Nerd (maniacally): YEEEAAAHHHH!!!
(Nerd fires some more at the console)
The Nerd: WHEW, BOY!
(Nerd keeps on firing at the console)
The Nerd (even MORE maniacally): YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!
(Nerd puts the paint can add-on on the Amiga CD32, which has already melted down, and extinguishes it all with a bucket of water)
R.I.P. Amiga CD32. Oh wait... actually no.