Kyle Justin: (singing) He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
The Nerd: FUCK! Why do so many of these games suck ass?
The Nerd: I'm surrounded by them. All the time. Shitty games. Staring me in the face with their shitty (points) Don't you fucking look at me. (points) And you, you. I'm sick and tired of your fucking shit! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get rid of them. Just the bad ones.
The Nerd: (Takes out Contra) That one's good. That stays (Takes out Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest) This one, no. (Takes out Captain Skyhawk) This one, yeah. (Takes out Bible Buffet) This one, uh, yeah. (Takes out Bee 52) This one (raspberry). (Takes out Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout) This one, no. (Takes out Back to the Future II and III) This one, no! (Takes out Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure) This one, pretty much nothing LJN. (ET for Atari 2600) Oh, and this one's definitely going. (Big Rigs) And this shitty game. (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) And this shitty game. (Power Glove) And this shitty thing. (Virtual Boy) And this shitty thing! (Places all the bad games and accessories into a garbage bag)
The Nerd: They can't all just be thrown away. They can't just be destroyed. They need to go in space, because I don't want to live on the same planet where any charred remains of these filthy dung heaps reside!
(The Nerd loses the bag and takes it outside, throwing it into a ship with a pile of other full garbage bags. The Nerd starts up the ship and leaves Earth. In space, the Nerd pushes a button, releasing the garbage bags full of bad games into space. Only one game remains, Planet of the Apes for PlayStation. An explosion occurs and the ship goes haywire.)
The Nerd: Oh, shit! (The Nerd crash-lands.)
The Nerd: All right. I had a little maintenance to do. I gotta wait for my ship's computer systems to reboot. Meanwhile I'm all alone, on a planet, with only one game: Planet of the Apes, for PlayStation. You know that saying, if you're stranded and you had only one game to choose, what would it be? (Nods) Probably not this one. (Game title screen)
The Nerd: The movie, Planet of the Apes, was one of the greatest science fiction films of all time, but then here comes the game and you know what always happens when you make a great movie and turn it into (opening cutscene) Wait. It's based on the remake. Well, that's a new equation. I totally forgot there was a remake of Planet of the Apes. It was in 2001, it was a big deal for one weekend, and now nobody gives one quarter of a shit.
The Nerd: But hang on, now. Are these characters from the original, like Dr. Zira and Dr. Zaius? What mixed-up timeline are we in here? (Beginning of game) Is that Charlton Heston or Mark Walberg? Maybe Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle. Apparently this game took elements from each, creating a total hodgepodge. They didn't even know what to do with it. As soon as the remake was greenlit, so was the game. It was planned to come out around the same time as the movie, of course. But the movie had many setbacks, so the game had to continue without it, and invent much of the story on its own. But then, the movie got rushed, and got father along than the game, so I guess you could say the movie was really, ahead of the game. (Raises right fist) Here's the movie. (Raises left fist) Here's the game. Here's the head. The movie was ahead of the game.
The Nerd: So the movie came out first on July 27, 2001. The game came out on PC on September 20th, while the PlayStation debuted the following year, August 22, 2002. But it didn't debut, it debutted. That's when rancid feces are disengaged from the buttocks. (Starts stuttering) From the-- from the buttoc-- the bu-- the buTTOCKS.
The Nerd: Meanwhile there's a Game Boy Color and a Game Boy Advance version as well. Just some extra shit nuggets for you. Anyway, as soon as these cutscenes end, we can finally start playing the game. (Dr. Zaius walks on the cells, while The Nerd is knocking the coconuts on each other, bobbing his heads sideways)
The Nerd: First thing, the controls take some time to get used to. When you pick up an item by pushing X, it doesn't go to your inventory right away. You have to push Triangle to put in your pouch. And Circle put it back on the floor. Here, watch me pick up the key, put it away, take it back out, put it away, crouch, moonwalk... All I want to do is use the key on the door! (opens the door of the cell) How could something so simple can be so complicated? (Ulysses walks out from the cell, as a portion of the wall warps)
The Nerd: Whoa, what's happening here? The walls are moving, man. This is some freaky, deaky shit. Seriously, does that happen in Doom? Can you name any other game where the walls are warping themselves in a constant state of dimensional shift? This must be one of the hardest things to fuck up in a game, and again, it's only the year... 2002. Guess they haven't invented steady walls yet!
The Nerd: (Ulysses' leg passes through objects) What's going on with this game? My foot is going through the food bowl... (camera zooms into the missing portion of the table) There's a slice missing from the table... (Ulysses' legs are passing through the wall as he walks into it) my legs are disappearing... (zooms in to the portion) there's an unexplained shape materializing... (Ulysses walks on the air) and I'm hovering around like a crazy man! It's amazing in the evolution of games, how much de-evolving has taken place. Nothing is more primitive than the combat system. Whenever you encounter an ape, you just mash the button over and over until hopefully they drop dead. It's all the matter of luck. There's no strategy, at least not from what I've determined. You just keep punching, and sometimes the punch locks up for some reason. Come on, hit him, HIT HIM! Why are my fists so unreliable? And the apes block about 90% of the punches. (The Nerd shakes the controller) COME ON! Uh, come o-- Oh, ho ho! Finally I got one- but I'm almost dead. You have to be lucky to survive one fight. You can get medical kits, but they're not very common and they don't fill you up all the way. You can take the ape's club, which makes it a little easier, but it's not much better than your fists. Most of the time, it misses or they block it and after every three swings, there's a lag leaving you open to the ape's attacks.
The Nerd: (taps on the controller hard repeatedly) Geez. why can't I hit him?! WHY CAN'T I HIT HIM?!
The Nerd: You can also get a knife, but it doesn't do much better than the club. In fact, I think it's worse than the fists. It doesn't seem to do any more damage, and it hardly hit its mark. I mean, look at this. Is he blocking my knife? How do you block a knife? So, my advice, I have three tips here: don't get the knife, don't get the knife, don't get the knife! Then they start coming out doing karate kicks. What is this, King Kung Fu?
The Nerd: (tapping control rapidly) Oh, I almost got him. (Ulysses turns against the enemy and dies) Oh what?! Ohhhhhhh, fuck! (The Nerd grunts as Ulysses dies on a montage)
The Nerd: Also, you want to know what happens when you die? Take a guess, check any that apply: extra lives, continues, checkpoints, what do you think? NOTHING! The only thing you can do is to save to a memory card- but only after you've beaten a level and even then, it'll start you at the beginning of the level, no matter how far you've made it, and if you lose on the first level, it's back to the menu and the opening cutscene, all over again! You know what I miss? I miss THIS so much! Such a simple thing you can take for granted.
The Nerd: The camera angles, oh boy... we've been here before. You already know the deal and the deal keeps getting worse all the time. The camera is too sensitive- every time I make the slightest turn the camera reacts by zigzagging from side to side to follow my movement like a kid with a shopping cart following too close behind the parent. And if a foreground object gets in the way, you're pretty much screwed.
The Nerd: (camera blocks the view) No, no, NO! GET IT AWAY! You might as well play blindfolded. Also, there's parts where you have to interact with things like buttons on the wall. To do that, you have to put your weapon away first. Why couldn't that be automatic or couldn't he just use the club to push the damn button?
The Nerd: The navigation? Well, it's one of those "where the fuck do you go?" kind of games. To my knowledge, there's no map and nothing to help guide you through. Here, I got SO stuck I had to look up a walkthrough and apparently you're supposed to jump into the ceiling. Jump? You could jump in this game? So I had to look that up, too. Yeah, there's Wi-Fi on this planet. So, you jump by pressing spacebar. Yeah, that's for PC. What about PlayStation? (Looks in manual.) So, the old-fashioned way never fails. The instruction manual. Jump is R2. It says it right there. Okay, so I try it and (Ulysses fails to jump) nothing happens. R2 works for running, but it does not jump. So, what's going on here? I press every button combination I can think of and (Ulysses finally jumps and holds on to the ceiling) Oh, my. (Ulysses pulls himself up) You have to press R2 and X at the same time. Wow. Real helpful manual. (Throws down the manual) You have three buttons assigned to using, taking, and dropping items, but you can't have one for jump? L1 isn't even used!
(Ulysses walks perilously close to the edge of the beam)
The Nerd: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! My gosh. The worst sign of bad controls is when you have trouble doing something that would be easier to do in real life? All I'm trying to do is climb a ladder. (Grunts) All right. Made it. (Ulysses falls off the edge) Aw, come on!
The Nerd: Okay, so I have to turn this heat valve. (Ulysses turns the heat valve, walks away, and the valve explodes, and the Game Over screen appears. The Nerd is stunned and scoffs.) (Ulysses picks up a detirium violet.) I found something here. Just put it away. (Ulysses consumes the item.) Oh, fuck. I used it. Whatever. Seems I wasted it, whatever it was. (Ulysses coughs.) What? (Ulysses faints and the Game Over screen appears again. The Nerd is surprised) Can I get through this game without being a hazard to myself?!
The Nerd: So in this lab there's all kinds of different-colored pills laying around. You can take everything in sight like a drugged up rock star, but what you need to do is read the letter you find on the desk. (reading) Subject 1, red bottle. Temporary cardiac arrest. Whose idea was it to block the text with the letter? That would be like having a page of an instruction manual with a picture of the instruction manual plastered on top of it.
The Nerd: So anyway, you're supposed to take the red pill, then sound off an alarm to call an ape over. And I looked it up and confirmed that this is exactly what you're supposed to do. The ape will come into the room, just in time to see you collapse. He'll think you're dead, he'll take you to the morgue, and that's where you wake up and escape. Pretty elaborate. But hey, should be easy. Right? (Ulysses pulls an alarm) Guess what. The ape won't come in. I tried taking the pill before I hit the switch, after I hit the switch. I tried standing by the door. I even went outside the door. But there's no ape. I'm just faking my own death for my own amusement. Just an asshole in a room falling on the floor again and again. Somebody, come in and watch me die. Somebody! (Ape approaches) Oh, shit! Take the pill! Take the (Ape punches out Ulysses) Oh! (Game Over screen)
The Nerd: (shouting) OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!
(The Nerd gets back in his ship and returns to Earth. Back on the Planet of the Apes, apes pick up the Virtual Boy, the Power Glove, and go through the bags of games. Lightning bolts surround the Nerd's ship and it disappears, reappearing near Earth. The ship flies over a freeway, past a billboard advertising Big Rigs, the LJNWOOD sign, the Leaning Tower of E.T., the Virtual Boy atop the Eiffel Tower, Superman flying through a Ferris Wheel, the Statue of Liberty bearing the Power Glove, and crash-lands in the Washington Mall. The Nerd leaves the ship, walks into the Lincoln Monument, and sees Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on Lincoln's face.)
The Nerd: Oh, god. (Kneels down in front of the statue)