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Transcript of 2016 AVGN Episode MEGA MAN Games

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(Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays as the camera shows The Karate Kid YouTube video, and zooms in on it's published date: April 8, 2006, and the camera has an arrow point to the year James D. Rolfe first joined: 2006.)

The Nerd: It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... (Check it out.) (he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone, and the Nokia fanfare plays) ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. Yeah. Now let's play some 8-bits.

(Angry Video Game Nerd theme music plays while presenting a montage over the past 10 years)

Kyle Justin: (singing) ♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪

♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass♪

♪ He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear. ♪

♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer. ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard. ♪

♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd. ♪

♪ He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd. ♪

♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd. ♪

(Title card appears, the first one since Episode 100.)

The Nerd: BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. It ain't Superman or Ultraman, it's Capcom's Mega Man, a robot hero built by Dr. Light to battle against the Evil Dr. Wily and his never-ending supply of robot villains in the year 2...whatever. The 2D gameplay is as classic as they come with a little bit of Contra, a little Metroid, but still stands in its own right with its stage select system and the ability to steal each of the boss character's weapons. Oh, we can't forget about those disappearing blocks! One of the many rules of gaming: Never trust what's under your feet.

The Nerd: Mega Man 2 is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these type of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows, just like another Capcom game, Street Fighter II, which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.

The Nerd: It's the simple things that make it so appealing. For example, Mega Man's run cycle: he's constantly at full sprint. You can see the determination, the pure gallantry, but that doesn't even graze upon why the gameplay is so addicting. The jumping, the midair shooting, it's a science that triggers a phenomenon in your brain. It's so bad ass!...

(The Nerd pauses his speech, focusing on playing Mega Man 2)

The Nerd: Oh, sorry. I was just playing the game. When you do catch yourself a break to stop and listen, you'll realize you're hearing some of the most rocking video game tunes of all time! If only the idea of video game soundtrack albums caught on back then. You'd get 21 hits in one fantastic collection, including (The Nerd belts out the Crashman Stage Music.) and... (He belts out the Dr. Wily Stage Music. A fake infomercial screen appears) This offer's not available in stores; order today.

The Nerd: I remember when Mega Man was a trilogy, but then it became a motherfucking hexology. 6 classic 8-bit games on the NES! With each installment, there were upgrades. 3 added the slide, 4 added the mega buster, and of course, each time they had to come up with more robot villain names; Snake Man, Needle Man, Hard Man, Dust Man, Charge Man, Tomahawk Man, Kimmy Gibbler Turd Salad Man, it wouldn't stop! The series was impressively consistent. There was a point where it seemed like the team behind making these games were not human. They were machines themselves, pounding out each sequel in an assembly line.

The Nerd: Sure, by the time 6 came along, it got a little stale, but it was rejuvenated with the Mega Man X series on Super Nintendo, featuring a new Mega Man robot called X. Man, oh man, if the franchise's foot wasn't already so far up your ass from kicking it, now, you were about to have your balls blown off 'til they orbit Uranus!

The Nerd: X3 had a lot of cutscenes and dialogue boxes. But that's cool.

The Nerd: X4 is when they moved to the PlayStation consoles, and now the cutscenes were getting a bit out of hand. But with every new-generation console, they wanna show off the technical capabilities. I get it, that's okay. But the dialogue... (groans) But I can see how they're trying to keep the story and intriguing part of the experience to keep it fresh and interesting.

The Nerd: With X5, it starts right up with text. You know, uh... Yeah. After a long introduction, the game starts, or... or... (A box of texts interrupts the Nerd, who tries mashing buttons in order to skip it) Okay, alright. We're off now. And things are starting -- (Another box of text interrupts him) Oh, my God! It's no joke! Every 5 seconds, there's more dialogue! "Can you see a red rope ahead of you?" I don't know! Can I move? CAN I PLAY... THE FUCKING GAME?! I was just starting to have fun, and it goes to SHIT!!! FUCK! Now everything's exploding! I just started playing the game! Have freaking mercy! Every screen, there's a bomb you have to defuse, but they don't give you enough time to reach it! Explosions! Dialogue! EXPLOSIONS AND DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME! (Shouting) OH, MY GOD!!!

(Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying "This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?" interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells)

The Nerd: This is fucking horseshit. I've had enough shitty games! I've dedicated myself to this for too long! I've had it! I quit.

(The Nerd proceeds to put away his controllers, take down his collection and take it to the dump, before unbuttoning his over shirt and heading off in a manner similar to "Mega Man 2." Suddenly, The Nerd travels through time. The aspect ratio shrinks to 4:3 as the Nerd travels back to 2007 where the Independence Day episode was being filmed)

2007 Nerd: Like, I gotta get away from this game. I gotta get out of this room. I gotta go out somewhere and do something wild: Like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis.

(The 2016 Nerd steps into the 2007 Nerd's room)

2007 Nerd: ...and, most important, celebrate your independence not to play shitty, fucking, games. (The 2007 Nerd tosses the game disc and hits the 2016 Nerd) (Exclaims in shock) My God. Who are you?

2016 Nerd: I'm you.

2007 Nerd: I can see that: How'd you get here?

2016 Nerd: I don't know, but... (looks around the 2007 Nerd's room) I remember this. Yeah. I don't know how else to say this, but, I'm from the future. There, I said it.

2007 Nerd: Really? Do I get the goat tattoo?

2016 Nerd: Obviously not on your face. Look at this old setup... You know with the original NES model, you can't play European games. You gotta get your RF shit modded into composite. Still blowing in your cartridges, you gotta get your -- oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. (points at R.O.B.) Why is that there?

2007 Nerd: I don't know, it just sits there.

2016 Nerd: Get rid of it.

2007 Nerd: Why?

2016 Nerd: You'll know by Episode 100.

2007 Nerd: Uh, Episode -- (Stutters) What?!

2016 Nerd: Oh, yeah. Trust me. Just quit right now.

2007 Nerd: Why? It's my d... It's our duty to review bad games and warn people from playing this shit.

2016 Nerd: What's this here? There's a Mega Man PC game on DOS? MEGA MAN ON DOS!! This is something that'll make ya wanna quit.

2007 Nerd: Okay, I'll give it a try.

The Nerd: First of all, I can't get it to work on a controller. Even after installing all kinds of shit, Mega Man won't stop running to the left, so I'm gonna have to use the keyboard. Imagine playing a Mega Man game on a keyboard. Where's the jump key? (gets hit by a dog as he grunts and yells)

2016 Nerd: What's up with the colors? You have it set to CGA. You know if you were playing it on the most up-to-date computers at the time, it would have looked much better.

2007 Nerd: Have you forgotten? We gotta bring people back to the past.

The Nerd: There was a time when it was common for computer games to look like this. Why, of all colors, did they pick baby blue and magenta as the norm? I don't know, but that's how it was. These are the colors of our childhood.

The Nerd: Why is there a toll booth? Mega Man can't pass without paying a toll? Does he have E-ZPass? I can't outrun this dog! Oh, get away! GET AWAY! (the dog lands on Mega Man again)

2016 Nerd: Shoot him!

2007 Nerd: I can't get far enough away!

2016 Nerd: Then run! Just run, run, run!

2007 Nerd: I can't! He jumps so fucking far! Eat a bowl of fuck, you assholian! (Grunts angrily) It's the first screen of the game. You can't get him off you, you can't outrun him, and if you do kill him, he respawns!

2007 Nerd: Well, I guess that's as far as we can get. Good! No more of that. (Mega Man beats the dog again and manages to advance towards a building)

2016 Nerd: (Exclaims excitedly) You did it! You gotta keep going now.

2007 Nerd: Alright.

The Nerd: So after that, you get the classic Mega Man stage select screen with only 3 selections. No matter which stage you pick, you're always fighting bats, frogs, spiders, bees and rodents. No creative robot enemies, nothing like that! Just kill a bunch of animals. And they're all too short to hit! If you can't shoot on the ground, why are all the enemies on the ground.

The Nerd: Why are the E-Tanks always in a puzzling spot, as if the game was deliberately designed to tease you and piss you off? They even put arrows telling you to move to the left, so not only do you get to die, you get to feel like an idiot too. These things are like magnets, they pull you toward them. And I'm trying to get through this electrical hazard at the same time. Did both of these things have to exist in the same place? And once the disappearing blocks start happening, it's all over. Remember, I'm playing on a keyboard.

The Nerd: Fortunately with the sequel, the controller works, but Mega Man 3? No, I didn't skip 2. They did. There was no Mega Man 2 for PC. They jumped straight to 3. Probably because the real Mega Man 3 on NES was already out. That would've made sense if this were the same game, but it's totally different.

The Nerd: You can say it's a big step up form the first DOS game, with twice as many stages, but for some reason, they decided to make the stages as confusing as possible. Typically in the Mega Man games, the challenge is in your platform jumping, your combat strategy and knowing when to use your special items, but this is all about navigating a maze. If you want a good "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of game, try Mega Man 3 DOS.

2016 Nerd: See? This shit is a waste of life! Don't believe me? Play some of those awful Simpsons games.

2007 Nerd: I think I will. And you know what, Nerd? (2016 Nerd disappears) You should play more of those bad Mega Man games. Nerd?

(2016 Nerd travels back to 2006 when the Nightmare on Elm Street episode was being filmed)

2006 Nerd: Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person. I have a better chance of cloning myself.

(Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fucking shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", and "What a piece of fucking shit.")

2006 Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait! I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playing this fucking game?

Left Nerd: Yeah!

2006 Nerd: So, the Hell with that shit!

Right Nerd: Yeah, the Hell with that... damn shit.

Middle Nerd: The Hell with that damn fucking shit.

Left Nerd: THE HELL WITH--

2016 Nerd: (Yells) THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!!!

(The other Nerds are surprised by the 2016 Nerd and react to him)

2006 Nerd: (Stutters) What?!

Middle Nerd: Nobody tell me what's going on here!

Left Nerd: What is this?!

Middle Nerd: Who invited this asshole?!

2016 Nerd: Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sort of been time-traveling around through AVGN history.

2006 Nerd: Yeah, that's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.

Middle Nerd: What's AVGN?

Right Nerd: (with an idiotic smile) "Audio Video Graphic Network."

2006 Nerd: (sarcastically) "A vagina."

(2016 Nerd facepalms)

Middle Nerd: So what time did you come from?

2016 Nerd: From 10 years into the future.

Middle Nerd: That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?

Left Nerd: (sarcastically) Not confusing at all. Time traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! Makes perfect fucking sense!!

Middle Nerd: Relax.

2016 Nerd: Alright, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all ya, (Freddy gives the middle finger) but I'm gonna show ya how much worse things could get. Here is Mega Man Legends on PlayStation.

Middle Nerd: PlayStation? We're the Angry Nintendo Nerd.

2016 Nerd: THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time.

2006 Nerd: How about "Angry Nintendo Commentator"?

(2016 Nerd facepalms)

Right Nerd: (with an idiotic smile) How about "Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shitseeker"?

2006 Nerd: How about "Nostalgia Critic"?

2016 Nerd: (in disagreement, as if saying, "That's not gonna happen.") Now that's fucking stupid.

Left Nerd: How about "Angry Video Game Nerd"?

(The Nerds agree on the name)

Right Nerd: Yeah, that's good.

Middle Nerd: I agree with that.

The Nerd: Mega Man Legends was when the series made the jump to three dimensions. In the late 90's, it was almost like a law. Every 2D franchise must try 3D. So the game begins, and --

Roll Caskett: Wait a second!

The Nerd: (Groans) That explains it all.

Roll Caskett: Watch out! There's something right in front of you!

The Nerd: Don't you think I can see?

Roll Caskett: Hold it! Don't move!

The Nerd: Don't worry, I can't move. Every time I try, it's another text box!

Roll Caskett: Turn right there. Do you see a door?

The Nerd: Oh, what? That thing in front of me?

Roll Caskett: It's not far from your current position.

The Nerd: Not far from my current position? "Use the circle button"? Really? I would've never thought of that. That's not at all what I was just about to do.

The Nerd: The control is horrific. You know how in Mario 64 and Zelda: Ocarina of Time, how natural the controls feel? You push the joystick in the direction you want to go, and it responds perfectly. In Mega Man Legends, it's nothing at all like that. Instead, the D-Pad moves you two-dimensionally left and right while you rotate your viewpoint with the L1 and R1 buttons. At least, that's the best I can explain the controls.

The Nerd: The game was later released on the Nintendo 64, calling it, what else? Mega Man 64. In this version, the controls are slightly better, but hardly anything else has been updated. Despite coming out 3 years later, and 4 years after Mario 64 would set a very clear standard on how three dimensional controls should feel. Hey, Link wants his Rupees back.

The Nerd: Treasures? What is this, Mega Man Legends of Zelda Wannabe? Some say this game is good, in the same way people say anchovies on pizza is good. You could do much worse.

The Nerd: It's an adventure game that serves as an alternate to the traditional Mega Man format. It's more about exploring and watching a story unfold. But still, when I think of Mega Man, I never imagine I'd be talking to a monkey and a mustached man dressed like Dick Tracy.

The Nerd: Go to the shopping area? (Chuckles) Imagine Mega Man walking into Staples.

The Nerd: But wait, that's not that far off. Here, Mega Man is walking into a clothing store, a bakery, a toy store... Mega Man's shopping! (laughs) He's walking into a CD store! REALLY? What kind of music would Mega Man buy? Does this place have all popular crap, or any of the obscure good stuff? Like Witchfinder General.

The Nerd: Look! He doesn't have a reflection in the mirror! Mega Man's a vampire! He can't even walk right. How is everybody so casual? Try that sometimes. Walk into a department store, turn around in circles and see if anyone looks at you funny.

(Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack)

The Nerd: "There're some dirty magazines on the racks..."?

(The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing)

The Nerd: "It might be fun to look at them."

(The Nerds all exclaim thing such as "WHAT?!" and "OH, MAN!" and "OH, MY GOD!" and having various looks on their faces, ranging from laughing to disgusted)

Left Nerd: MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!

Middle Nerd: My life is complete!

Right Nerd: (laughing) Mega Man X. More like Mega Man XXX.

2016 Nerd: Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge, and empty your ass all over it.

2006 Nerd: (in embarrassment) I wish you would've said that earlier.

(The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd shit his pants.)

Left Nerd: (Groans) You diarrhea fiend!

Right Nerd: It's nasty!

Middle Nerd: (moans) Oh, God!

(2016 Nerd disappears)

Middle Nerd: (moans) Oh, (stutters) your shit's so nasty, it just -- it reminded Future Nerd of the shitty Back to the Future games, and sent him back to the future... or I just overthought it.

Freddy Krueger: Overthink this, bitch! DIE!!

(Freddy goes on to kill the Nerd clones as he did in the past. Meanwhile, 2016 Nerd travels back to 2004 where the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde review was being filmed.)

2004 Nerd: You'd rather super glue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather -- You know -- The-the thing is --

(The 2004 Nerd takes a swig of Rolling Rock.)

2004 Nerd: You'd think I'm jokin', like I'm trying to be funny or somethin'. But, no, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fuckin' horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fucking serious.

(He leans forward and talks to a teddy bear and an extreme close-up of the 2004 Nerd's face is shown.)

2004 Nerd: Dead... fucking ...serious.

2016 Nerd: Yes, you are.

(2004 Nerd turns around and sees 2016 Nerd.)

2004 Nerd: I must be drinking too much. I ain't seeing this, man.

2016 Nerd: Drinking too much? (he holds up an empty Rolling Rock bottle and lowers it.) Yeah, but, you are seeing this. I'm you, from the future.

2004 Nerd: Right.

2016 Nerd: And I need your help.

2004 Nerd: Does this have anything to do with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

2016 Nerd: No! But it concerns shitty games.

2004 Nerd: Good. Anything but Jekyll and Hyde. So tell me, how far into the future do you come from? A month? A year?

2016 Nerd: About 12 years, almost.

2004 Nerd: What, are you fucking kidding me? And you're still playing shitty ga -- You didn't play Jekyll and Hyde again, did you?

2016 Nerd: (shakes his head) No, never. Mm-mm. (He notices Mega Man X7 and picks it up) What's this? Mega Man X7 for PlayStation 2?

2004 Nerd: Yeah, that just came out...last fall.

2016 Nerd: (shocked) Oh, man. I'm retro.

The Nerd: Mega Man X7. The first thing to note is that you don't even play as Mega Man X, at least not until much later in the game. Instead, you switch between Zero and a new character named Axl. Now, think about that name and go back to Mega Man X5. I noticed Izzy, Duff, Adler and Slash! Beyond any coincidence, they've been naming the characters after members of Guns N' Roses. That is awesome.

The Nerd: The game doesn't even know whether it wants to be 2D or 3D. It keeps switching back and forth. I guess you could say it has variety, but the camera angles are a cruel inhumanity. I can't see a damn thing! According to the manual, you can adjust the angle using L1 and R1, but only in designated spots. Like how my cats shit in designated spots.

The Nerd: Zero uses a lightsaber but Axl is equipped with a gun. You'd think this gun would operate the same as Mega Man's arm cannon. It should almost make you forget that you're a different character, the same way Mega Man and X always felt the same, right? Well...no. They turned it into a steaming pile of goat shit. Now there's an automated targeting system. Gone is all the challenge of aiming and shooting. Now, it's all about mashing buttons. When I see a bunch of targets, I tap the button repeatedly. As soon as one target is destroyed, it immediately locks on to the next one until they're all gone.

The Nerd: Changing the established gameplay so drastically was a bad move, a BM, a really shitty move.

Axl: Somebody please tell me I'm through with the worst of it!

The Nerd: I've seen the worst. I just got done playing Jekyll and Hyde. Well, you can't say they didn't try anything new because every stage feels like a completely different game. In some ways, that's cool, but not when this happens: Get me out of Neon Hexagon Land!

The Nerd: I don't even understand how to play this... Then it flips upside down and not only that, the controls are reversed! What a piece of shit, the progression of the Mega Man series was like shitting on an escalator. Once it reaches the top, it gets a whole lot shittier and then it comes back around for more.

The Nerd: You'd rather super glue your dick hole shut. If you ever find a copy of this game, do yourself a favor and bury it under the fragments of the Jekyll and Hyde cartridge that you previously smashed with a hammer.

(The 2004 Nerd turns off the game)

2016 Nerd: So there you go, proof that it sucked...back then.

2004 Nerd: Yeah and I know by your time, they're probably up to Mega Man X20.

2016 Nerd: No, Mega Man kinda stopped. (Picks up a Rolling Rock and peeks inside before he turns the bottle upside down) The franchise has been dormant lately.

2004 Nerd: Well, that's good. You never rush out anything just to meet consumer demand, otherwise, you end up putting out shit. Some franchises get done to death. You can't keep beating the same thing into the ground.

2016 Nerd: Yeah. But, I do miss the Mega Man series. People want it. Hmm. If you had a series, what would you do?

2004 Nerd: I couldn't imagine. I wish I had something like that. (The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme plays in the background) If people wanted it, that'd be a great thing. You can't do the same thing all the time or else it gets old, but every now and then, it's good to bring it back.

2016 Nerd: (smiles) Thanks.

(The 2004 Nerd watches as the 2016 Nerd leaves and picks up a shoe box full of NES games. He almost picks up "The Karate Kid" cartridge and begins to rub his chin in contemplation and does his trademark frown. The 2016 Nerd arrives back to his own timeline and finds to his shock that Bugs Bunny, dressed in the Nerd's clothing, is hosting his series and playing "The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout" while sitting on the futon.)

Bugs Bunny: This game fucking sucks! Nyah, what a shitload of fuck! What were they thinking?

The Nerd: Hey, what's going on here?

Bugs Bunny: Nyah, I got ya covered, Nerd. You quit, you said, "So long, Screwy. See you in St. Louis." It's all good, you never have to play a bad game ever again. You're off the hook.

(The Nerd nods and walks away, seeming to think about something. He walks back over to Bugs Bunny and pats him on the shoulder.)

The Nerd: (falsely happy) Hey. You know what? Thanks, thanks. I appreciate it. (The Nerd punches Bugs in the stomach and begins to fight him while he does various things such as strangling him with an N64 controller and throwing his head through the ceiling. Bugs then slaps the Nerd, surprising him.)

Bugs Bunny: Nyaah, now cut that out!

The Nerd: (Mocking Bugs) Nyaah, FUCK YOU!!!

(The Nerd punches Bugs in the face, sending him flying back into a shelf of games which fall. He punches him two more times, sending him through the wall. The Nerd then puts back on his Angry Video Game Nerd shirt and sits on the futon.)

The Nerd: (Faces the camera and smiles) I'm back. It's yours truly, the fucking Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here -- (The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is "Mega Man Soccer." He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.) (Stutters) WHAT! WERE! THEY! (Screams) THINKING?!? (He runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.)

Kyle Justin: (singing) ♪ He's the Angry...Video Game...Nerd. ♪

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