(Guitar Guy sings part of the Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Song)
Guitar Guy: ♪ He's the Angry Atari-Amiga-CDi-ColecoVision-Intellivision-Sega-NeoGeo-TurboGrafx16-Odyssey-3DO-Commodore-Nintendo Nerd. ♪
♪ He's the Angry...Video Game...Nerd. ♪
The Nerd: Finally, it's time to play something on the Dreamcast, the final game console from Sega. The fact that I've never before reviewed a Dreamcast game is a testament to the greatness of the console.
The Nerd: There just weren't that many shitty games that I'm aware of. It was a good piece of hardware for Sega to go out with after many ups and downs, so what brings the occasion? Well, the fans have fished out this "gem" for me, ('Cause that's what y'all do; is feed me with game requests to keep me going.) and they say this is one of the strangest games ever made and it happens to be called... "Seaman." (pronounces it as "semen.")
(The Nerd shakes his head in disagreement)
The Nerd: No. I'm not going there.
The Nerd: So, what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say, "You're free to enjoy Seaman-" (The Nerd closes the booklet and slaps himself in the forehead with it) AW, NO, NO, NO, NO! IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN! Not semen. (awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds) AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN-BAZOOKA JUICE!
(The Nerd places Seaman in the Dreamcast)
The Nerd: The manual says "Go to meetseaman.com". The website no longer exists, but I heard it was once a porn site. I just heard, that's all. A Dreamcast game that sends you to porn. More like wet-Dreamcast.
(The Nerd flips the Dreamcast controller right-side up, noticing the cord that connects to the Dreamcast is on the bottom of the controller and clamps it onto the back of the controller, shrugging it off. A screen pops out indicating to set the time)
The Nerd: Set the time? Since when did video game consoles start telling time? I have a clock. A Rolling Rock clock. I don't need this shit; I can wear a watch! Or a watch is not cool enough? No, no, kids nowadays, they just look at their phones. (The Nerd holds up a rotary dial phone) Yeah, I'd look so cool telling time on my phone.
The Nerd: Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so AWESOME. Let's play this.
(The intro screen to Seaman appears. Note how the creature on the sign is breathing.)
Leonard Nimoy: You'll witness before you a phenomenon like no other. My name is Leonard Nimoy, and I will be your guide.
The Nerd: (amazed) No. No way. Leonard Nimoy? Spock himself is the voice of the Seaman game on Sega Dreamcast?
(Screen goes to darkness, with an AIR indicator appearing and rising slightly before switching to LIGHT; the light comes on revealing a murky tank. The Nerd fiddles with the controls, trying to figure out how everything works.)
The Nerd: In the name of fuck. How do I get involved in this shit? I-I-I gotta figure it out. I gotta do it. I gotta do it for Nimoy.
The Nerd: Okay, so to pick up the egg you have to hit X and the right trigger at the same time.
The Nerd: Why couldn't it just be X? Well, maybe the idea to go like this: (makes a grabbing motion) you know, like you're grabbing something? Yeah, well, grab my scrote! It's 2015, it's time to start sayin' "scrote".
Leonard Nimoy: Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
The Nerd: (amused) Yeah. When he says "Matrix.", he sounds like Galvatron. Okay, let's drop the egg in the tank.
(The Nerd drops the egg in the tank)
The Nerd: Now what?
The Nerd: Well, thank God for the instructions.
The Nerd: So you have to raise the heat up to a certain range, and then just wait for the egg to hatch.
(the Nerd waits)
The Nerd: Alright, while the game does its thing, let's read up on a little history.
The Nerd: According to the manual, the species that we will be raising was originally discovered in Egypt in the 1930s by a French anthro-bio-archaeologist Jean Paul Gassé. His hypothesis suggests that the creature was responsible for transferring knowledge and language across the land during the Third Dynasty.
The Nerd: The creature was said to be the reincarnation of a Pharaoh's son who fell in love with the Priest's daughter who was turned to a fish by the god Thoth, and the pyramids were built by the Priest as a beacon to guide the Pharaoh's son back where he was eventually found again!
The Nerd: (drops the booklet in shock and looks at the camera) Well, they definitely put a lot of thought into it. THAT'S A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR A GAME WHERE YOU JUST STARE AT AN EGG-- Oh, wait. It multiplied. (tapping on the glass) Now, this is getting interesting.
(A shellfish kind of creature (the Nautilus) appears and starts thrashing around. The Nerd squirms uncomfortably)
The Nerd: (Exclaims and groans) That's repulsive!
(The Nautilus starts spitting out tiny fish through a cloud of what appears to be blood)
The Nerd: Whoa.
(One of these fish swims up to the camera, revealing that it has the face of game creator Yoot Saito. The Nerd flinches at the sight)
The Nerd: (Starts shouting as he tries to look, but recoils) OH, MY GO- (Yells) AH! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! (gives the Vulcan salute) FOR NIMOY!
(Shot of a hand holding one of these fish as it makes child-like giggling noises.)
The Nerd: (exhales and removes his glasses.) Weird.
The Nerd: (confused) Did it just say "fucker-belle"? (normally) No, I just always want there to be cursing in retro games.
The Nerd: Here's where the most important part of the game comes in; the speech. That's right, this microphone isn't just for decoration: This is how you talk to the Seamen. (to microphone) HELLO?
The Nerd: (gasps in amazement) It's alive. The creatures evolve slowly over time. This is a game all about patience. You spend most of the time waiting as things happen; you feed the fish, raise the heat back up, raise the oxygen, talk to the Seamen and keep them to live long... and prosper.
The Nerd: That's about all there is to it; you turn off the game, come back to it a day later...(the Nerd turns the Dreamcast back on)...or, 5 minutes later, like me...
(Back to the start screen.)
Leonard Nimoy: You visit often. If one didn't know better, one might assume you're quite obsessed. Or, you have nothing better to do.
The Nerd: (stutters) Oh, I have better things to do!
(The Nerd looks at the camera, and there's a quick cutaway to the Nerd playing with some shit in the grass. Cut back.)
The Nerd: (to microphone) Hello.
Seaman: (sarcastically) Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
The Nerd: (to microphone) I just wanna talk.
Seaman: (sarcastically) Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
The Nerd: (to microphone, annoyed) Yo, fuck-face.
Seaman: Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the ass.
The Nerd: (to microphone, angrily) Suck my dick.
Seaman: Hey, Seaman don't play that.
The Nerd: (to microphone) I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
Seaman: Are you coming on to me?
The Nerd: (taps the X button rapidly) Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle--
Seaman: (chuckles) I'm gonna pee if you don't stop. (chuckles)
Seaman: (sings as the hand picks him up) ♪ Oh, I come from Alabama, with my banjo on my knee. ♪
The Nerd: (uneasily) Okay.
(Back to the start screen.)
Leonard Nimoy: At the moment, the habitat contains... two... Gillmen.
The Nerd: The only Gillman I know is the creature from the Black Lagoon.
The Nerd: In order to advance the Gillman through his evolutionary stages, you have to answer his questions.
Seaman: Is your mom still working or not?
The Nerd: He'll ask you your birthday, your father's birthday, your mother's birthday, religion, politics, seriously, this little bastard wants to know everything about you, but he only ask the questions when he feels like it. So you have to wait until he's in the right mood, which could take hours!
Seaman: I'm mad at you right now. So go away.
The Nerd: (to microphone) Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
Seaman: Eh. Bite me.
(The Gillman throws some viscous substance at the glass of the tank. The Nerd watches in shock as it reveals itself to be shit.)
The Nerd: Did he just take a shit? HE JUST FLUNG SHIT AT ME!
(Pause. The Nerd shrugs.)
The Nerd: Well, there's nothing I can do right now. The instruction manual says it best: "This is not the type of game in which one can spend several hours in one sitting and expect to experience vast amounts of action or change. As with life itself, change only occurs over time and even then, slowly. Change is only evident through the accumulation of experience over time."
The Nerd: Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullshit! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to "Explosive Fighter Patton". Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out.
(He inserts the disk. The screen says: "TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!".)
The Nerd: (stunned) No. No way. It's an official Famicom Disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s, this is before Hong Kong 97. IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS "FUCK"! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK! (Shouting) IT SAYS FU....
(Brief montage indicating the passage of time)
Nerd: (Continues shouting) ...U-- Oh-oh, I forgot about Seaman!
(He quickly switches the Dreamcast back on.)
Leonard Nimoy: I regret to inform you, but Seaman has passed away.
The Nerd: (groans) So it's Game Over? I gotta start all over again? Aw! Man, I was too busy saying, "It says 'Fuck!'", I gotta... can I go back a day? Hmm. Why not?
(Brings up the Dreamcast BIOS settings.)
The Nerd: I'll go into the clock settings. Yeah. I'll just set the clock back.
(But the game shows an error message.)
Leonard Nimoy: The time setting of the Dreamcast internal clock does not match the time setting of your Seaman habitat file.
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Aw, it doesn't work. The manual says: "Note that you will be unable to return to a previous stage. Such as with life itself, you may only continue forwards." This isn't life! This is a game! "Forwards!" Mmm. We can go forward at least.
(He goes back to the BIOS.)
The Nerd: I'm gonna start over, and this time I'm gonna keep jumping the clock ahead a day, and that way I can hopefully play the game faster in one sitting.
The Nerd: Eh, it sorta works. You still have to spend lots of time waiting for the Gillman to ask you questions, and waiting for various other things to happen. It doesn't cut down on the total amount of time you need to spend, it just makes is that you can play the game in one long marathon.
The Nerd: The daily routines are: heat up the tank; turn up the oxygen; feed the Seaman; spray the insect cage - oh, right, I didn't explain the insect cage yet. Basically you have to keep the moisture level up so you can grow Mothra to lay larva eggs to provide food for the Seamen.
Leonard Nimoy: Did you see the moth emerge from the cocoon? It is quite amazing.
The Nerd: Or fascinating. The controls couldn't be any more tedious. The heater gains momentum the longer you hold the button. When you let it go, it keeps going for a bit, so you have to make sure you don't overshoot it.
Seaman: Hey, enough with the heater already.
The Nerd: There's no way to turn it back down; it only falls gradually on its own. With the water spray, you have to keep tapping it, but only works at its own pace.
(He taps Up repeatedly. The spray goes off at slow and somewhat irregular intervals.)
The Nerd: (groans)
(After a while, the water spray reaches 100.0.)
The Nerd: Alright, another round of that, time to set the clock forward again. (opens the Dreamcast, sets the clock to 2/10/2016) Alright.
(He pauses, looking up at the clock on the wall. He brushes dust off the armrest of his futon.)
The Nerd: Hmm. Something's not right. I think I'm losing my mind.
Seaman: Hey, guess what we're doing over here?
(Two Gillmen are interconnected; the top one is evidently pumping sperm through its rostrum into the bottom. The Nerd is shocked.)
The Nerd: Aw, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
(The top Gillman sinks to the tank floor.)
The Nerd: It dies? It got fucked to death?
Seaman: In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
The Nerd: (confused) Am I confident in myself? Well...
Seaman: You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
The Nerd: (lying on the futon like a therapist couch) It all started with my pet albatross.
Seaman: The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
The Nerd: I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
Seaman: (each line interleaving with one another) If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
The Nerd: I-I never thought of it that way.
Seaman: Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way.
(The review continues.)
The Nerd: Eventually Seaman will help you move a rock that drains all the water. He or she or whatever it is will crawl ashore, then spend five minutes making these wretched death sounds.
Seaman: (Groans multiple times)
The Nerd: (covering one ear) Oh, my God.
Seaman: (Exclaims in pain)
The Nerd: Finally, it dies, leaves behind eggs that hatch into turd-men, suck each other's blood until one remains, grows legs again, and swims ashore until it becomes the Frogman. This thing has an ecosystem more complex than Ridley Scott's Alien.
The Nerd: With all seriousness, I know I've been negative, and, yes, the game is tedious, mind-numbing and makes you feel like you're living in purgatory, but... it's very creative. It's basically a form of virtual pet game. A pet that happens to be a sarcastic wise-ass son-of-a-bitch, but also intellectual. It succeeds in making you feel like you're talking to a living being.
Seaman: I tell you, I exist just as much as you do.
The Nerd: Oh, come on, you're not real.
Seaman: People, places and things exist only because you perceive them! When you see me and listen to me, I exist as a part of your consciousness: I become real.
The Nerd: (uneasily) O-okay, okay, you do exist, you do exist... (smiles) and you're my favorite game.
Seaman: All hail Sega. Buy another Dreamcast.
The Nerd: (smile disappears) What did you say? Is that what this is all about? You've evolved into a Sega mascot? A piece of promotion? (to viewers) Just like the old Sega commercials. How they brainwashed kids with their blast processing. People play this game and get so attached to Seaman that the line between reality and unreality begins to blur. Just like how people are so attached to the Internet.
Seaman: Just don't come to me when you're biologically fused to your computer screen and haven't changed your underwear or talked to a real person in weeks.
The Nerd: That's right. People will all become mindless slaves to the Internet! Remember the Sega Channel? Sega was one of the first to offer downloadable gaming; by attaching this device to your Genesis, you were plugged into their network.
The Nerd: We're all caught in the spider's web, and the final part in the grand scheme was the evolution of the Dreamcast with Seaman.
The Nerd: Sega: Sentient Electronic Global Annihilator. It's Hell-bent on world domination! Why else would the Sega have tried to overtake such a big corporation as Nintendo with their "Genesis Does What Nintendon't" campaign? Why were the systems named after planets? The Saturn, the cancelled Neptune? The Sega was trying to consume the whole galaxy, eventually the universe! And why does Seaman wanna know so much about your family?
Seaman: Ha! My knowledge of you and your family grows ever more complete.
The Nerd: The Sega is trying to consume your identity! To learn all about you so it can become you! (Shouting) THE PODFISH ARE COMING! THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT! YOU'RE NEXT! I must destroy it! I'm gonna move the clock so far forward, you're gonna be ancient history again!
(And he does. Dust accumulates on the futon, buildings fall, cities rise, 2066, 2199, 2481, 3001. Suddenly, the Nerd is reduced to a skeleton surrounded by cobwebs.)
Leonard Nimoy: It is not necessary for you to lavish quite so much attention on Seaman. I hope that Seaman is not disturbing your every day routine.
(Time resets itself to Christmas 1982. Clips of the Nerd's history play under:)
The Nerd: (interleaved) As with life itself, change only occurs over time, and even then, slowly. (...do is feed me with game requests to keep me going.) Change is only evident through the accumulation of experience over time.
(We're back to the present, but this time, watching the Nerd through the fishtank. He looks around.)
Seaman: And because I can see you and hear you and... uh, smell you, you exist as part of my consciousness. See ya.
(Seaman swims away, and the tank light switches off.)
Dedicated to Leonard Nimoy