(The Nerd picks out Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, his first game reviewed, then he puts it back) Ah, done that one. Let's see... Shitty, shitty.... (Picks out Fester's Quest) Ah, done that one, too. Shitty games... (Mutters)
This one looks pretty shitty. Yeah, it's shitty... Just flying around shooting frogs in bubbles... In space... No, that's not enough material work with... I'm moving on.
Kid Niki: Radical Ninja:
Here's one. Yay, this sucks. Kid Niki's jumping around like he's on the moon... it's ass, it's ass...
(Goes through a stack of games) Nah... Nah...
Dudes With Attitude:
Oh, now this looks hilarious. Uh... my mind... is a blank.
There's gotta be something...
Oh, Deathbots. How could you go wrong? Or right... or rightfully wrong... shooting robots... okay.
I got it, Mad Max. It was made by Mindscape, proving that not every NES movie based game was made by LJN. See, LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty, the cat shits somewhere else.
Now I'm on track. Well, you drive around, you run around shooting people, you drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I wish it were LJN because they would've given me more to talk about!
Call me an explorer, but I've been searching for the perfect shitty game. And I've seen just about EVERYTHING at this point. But you know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game on... (Turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16)
The TurboGrafx-16. Holy shit.
The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which is unique. It was technically the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans: the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES.
The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody gave a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers working for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games. The TurboGrafx library is less contaminated than the rest. That's why it's taking me so long to get to. There's no major stinkers that stick out.
But I might have found one. Darkwing Duck, based on the TV show. I remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most HORRIBLE GAMES that are humanly possible to make: Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, Big Rigs, Hong Kong 97... I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending on which way you look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory, let's get serious. Or should I say... "Let's get dangerous"?
(Nerd puts in game, turns the game on, and reaches for the controller, but the wire isn't long enough to reach the couch and the Nerd groans.) Fuck. (Under his breath) You son of a bitch. You piece of dog shit. (The Nerd reaches for the controller while straining, but finds it difficult.) (Under his breath again while the Nerd moves the couch) Fucking thing, you weakin' fucking pieces of shit.
(Game starts) It begins with the stage selection screen. You move a magnifying glass over a photograph of the villains. By selecting a villain, you load their stage. That's... pretty unique, I have to say. As you can see, it's a standard action side-scroller, nothing much to explain. The graphics look satisfactory for this era. (Darkwing tries to reach the floating "D", but he can't reach it.) I guess I'm not supposed to be able to reach that D. (Darkwing jumps at the D repeatedly without much success) Come on. COME ON! (The Nerd groans) Figured I can get a running start, but that doesn't work. Great, the game has just begun and they tease you with an item that you can't get! There's gotta be a way... (Darkwing bounces on the skateboarding penguins.) Oh, I see, you bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. (turns to the camera) How can I be so casual when I say "skateboarding penguins"?
(Darkwing bounces on the skateboarding penguins, but he hurts himself instead.) Uh, wait. Why it didn't work? (Darkwing bounces on the penguins again, but he kills himself instead. The Nerd is shocked.) What, was it a fluke the first time? Oh, maybe I bounce on this thing? (Arrow points to a gem, and Darkwing jumps on the gem, but he is unsuccessful.) Nope. It's not like I have to get the D, I don't even know what it does, but it pisses me off, I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I've feel like I've been fooled. It's like a test from the game programmers, a challenge, like, you put that D there, and I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it!
I believe this is possible. All I gotta do is bounce on one of these penguins. Why would it be so difficult? You know why? Because the penguins don't come anywhere near the D. No, you gotta walk way out there before they start coming, and at that point they're so fast you lose them. (Darkwing fires a gun at the penguin, stunning him.) (Exclaims) I stun them with my gun, then I bounce off them. I just got to get one over to the D...! (Darkwing fires the gun at the penguin, but they are far away.) Fuck - f(wheeze)uck! I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can suck my dick!
I have to mention the controls are very delayed. You never know just by looking at it, no, you gotta play it for yourself. Or how about listening to me hitting the button. (The Nerd hits the button, and it's delayed.) You hear that? That's how delayed it is.
Okay, here's Tuskernini. Immune to gunfire, apparently. I'm supposed to jump on him, or over him. And that's SO convenient when you're going uphill. (An arrow points up the hill. Tuskernini rolls towards Darkwing.) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO! NO! Oh, I have an idea! (Darkwing ducks at the ramp, but Tuskernini hits him instead.) Uhhh... nope. Gotta admit, it was a pretty smart idea.
I accept that I have to take a hit. Can I just get past him? (Darkwing passes by Tuskernini.) Whew! Thank God! (Darkwing dies from the penguin crashing into him) (Shouting) NO! NO!
I've been playing on "Normal Mode". I'm changing it to "Easy". Huh. "Easy" and "Normal". Should be called "Hard" and "FUCKING BULLSHIT"!
(Darkwing shoots at an enemy with his gun, but he doesn't die.) Is this guy gonna die or what? Finding ammo isn't that common, and I just wasted it all on ONE GUY. What a shitload of fuck!
Here's the final showdown with Tuskernini. Okay, so the idea is to jump on him. (Darkwing tries jumping on Tuskernini, but it hurts him instead.) I did it once, why can't I do it again? (Grunts three times and shits himself) Aw, sorry. I shit myself.
(Darkwing stands between the dropping bags, but they hit him.) How did the bags hit me? I was standing perfectly in between them. The hit detection in this game seems to be spontaneous. I can usually adapt to crap, but this game is a rare breed where I legitimately can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. It's a type of game designed to make it appear that you're playing real poorly, to make you question, is it REALLY you? But it's the delayed controls, and strange hit detection. (Darkwing tries jumping on Tuskernini, and it finally works. The Nerd looks shocked.) (He kills Tuskernini) Now all of a sudden it worked?
Nothing has any rhyme or reason, things go on diagonal slants so you can't tell what part you're allowed to jump on, hazardous objects still harm you even when you clearly jump over them. It's as if there's an invisible electric barrier around them. Don't you'd think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? (Darkwing jumps up to the cable) How 'bout hanging on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on, but it never happens. It messes with your mind. It's a psychological sucker-front, a facade. It's the equivalent of an open door that you can't go in.
Another brain-teaser they throw at you is this puzzle. As you progress in the game, you get more pieces of the puzzle to work with. The annoying part is that they put two characters behind the puzzle, so sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at the puzzle or at a piece of the background. JUST HAVE A FLAT COLOR! JEEZ! IS IT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE?!
Oh, look at all those goodies up there, jump on the bat, JUMP ON THE BAT! (The bat kills him as the Nerd groans) I give up! Huh. (Nerd scoffs and gets killed by an enemy) What a kick in the ass. What kind of game is this where you can SOMETIMES jump on things and other times CAN'T?! So much shit coming at me, SO MUCH SHIT!
(The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. The Nerd is shocked.)
What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, you go to the dungeon, bitch! What is this thing, anyway? A pizza that turns into a capybara? You can't duck and shoot, great. Well, at least you can duck. You ARE a duck. I don't know what kind of fucked up duck can't fuckin' duck. (Nerd tries to jump up, but fails.) Get up there. Get up there! GET THE FUCK UP THERE!!!! (Grunts multiple times With these kind of controls, you should NOT be required to do platform jumping. (The Nerd tries to jump on a moving platform, but fails) And..... Just about..... NOW! (Grunts angrily) Fuck! Let's try again. Wait for it.... Nope. Not now... Next time..... And here it comes....
(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.)
(Screams angrily) FU.....!!!!!!!!!! (this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd who screams; the final shot is an explosion)
(angrily) IF YOU STAND STILL FOR TOO LONG, A SAFE DROPS ON YOU, LIKE THE GAME IS SAYING "FUCK YOU!" Might as well just be a giant middle finger, and it should be the only part of the game in 3D. Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!
This could've been a decent game. Darkwing Duck is NOT one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before. (Footage of the NES version of "Darkwing Duck" is shown) There's an NES version which was basically like Mega Man but with a duck. It was made by Capcom, who of course made the Mega Man games and DuckTales. Those all turned out great. So what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's uniquely bad. In an indescribable way.
Every game with bad control has it's own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform, it's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or a pellet of bird poop. To explain exactly how bad it is, I've invented "The Shit Scale."
It begins with "Games That Are Debatably Bad." Somewhat good games with serious flaws. Not part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.
Then you get to the "High Level of Shit Contamination." Games that are possible to play, but nobody in their right mind would.
Then you get to the "Very High" category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.
Next is the "Severe Zone." This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it.
Then we have "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." Enough said.
Finally, at the EXTREME end of the scale, "MAJOR CODE RED," we have games that don't even qualify as games at all. They shouldn't even be on the scale, but they are. And that's so you know to beware. NEVER play them, NEVER talk about them.
So where does Darkwing Duck fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ("Very High" category)
Of course, that means there are games that are worse, but so far, from what I have seen, Darkwing Duck is the WORST game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the Fuckin' Nerd, I'll see you next time. (The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)