(Day 10 of the "12 Days of Shitsmas." The Nerd opens up the 10th gift to reveal the Hyperscan console along with some trading cards.)
Looks like we're in for a treat today. The Hyperscan by Mattel. The same company that made the Intellivision, and the Power Glove. They also made every toy from He-Man to Barbie. LJN made toys. Hmm...
Let's see how this piece of shit holds up. It was released in 2006. It's hard to believe a specimen like this would exist at the time when Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii were the current gaming consoles. (Inserts X-Men CD into the Hyperscan) Nobody ever talked about this. Let's find out why.
The instructions are blinking. That's annoying. (The Nerd tries to read the blinking instructions) Player 1... scan your... character card. You have to scan cards to make the game go? Having a disc isn't enough? How about a character select screen? That would've been fine. (The Nerd tries to scan the Wolverine card) Scan... Scan, you bastard! (The instructions tell the Nerd to scan a mod card as well) Scan a mod card now?! What's with all these cards? Just start the fucking game! Goddamn!
(The screen loads and there's a timer at the bottom of the screen to show how long it takes. During this time, the Nerd continues talking.)
The cards were sold separately, so the idea was to combine card collecting with video gaming. Yeah, how about fucking Pogs too? The fact that you always need to scan cards now means you have to keep the game console on your lap calling back to the Atari 2600 days where all the switches were on the console. (The game is still loading) It's still loading. (sarcastically) Hyperscan... yeah, it's really hyper!
(While the game is still loading, the Nerd looks around the room with "Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy" playing in the background. He first sees the broken fluorescent light back when the Nerd fought Bugs Bunny in the "Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle" episode. Next, he looks at the vomit and shit-covered Toxic Crusaders cartridge from the "Toxic Crusaders" episode. The Nerd looks at it in disgust. Then he stares at the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" T-shirt and poster in anger. Finally, the game finally starts after 1:02;23 [one minute, 2 seconds and 23 milliseconds] of loading time)
After a long load process, that's only rivalled by the Commodore 64, the game finally starts. Well, it's a fighting game, a very average one. Average for the early 90's, but this is much later. At least you could say it's better than Shaq Fu. (The Nerd defeats his opponent and he has to scan a card to finish off his opponent. The Nerd tries to slash at it but no luck) "End it"? I guess you're supposed to do some kind of finishing move. If only I had the card. I guess "Finish him!" was already taken, so let's call it "End it!" Then you wait for another load screen just to see the character stats, then it's another load screen just to select the character, and yet another load screen before the next fight starts! Three fucking load screens between matches!
Next up, let's try Marvel Heroes. You can already tell that the Hyperscan was all about Marvel. Here, you can apparently take control of Avenger characters, as well as X-Men, depending on what cards you own. It's a standard side-scrolling action game. The graphics and sounds are fair enough, but the control is kind of slippery, like you're running on grease. The attacking is delayed and the hit detection is terrible. (tries to hit the enemy but fails) UUNNNHHH! COME ON! HIT 'EM! HIT 'EM! I also find it hilarious that if you hang on to the side of a building, everyone jumps at you like dogs after a cat in a tree. There were much better games of this variety on Sega Genesis. Nothing to see here, folks.
Then there's Interstellar Wrestling League. (Idaho Joe is speaking very quietly) It's strangely quieter than the other games. I've never encountered that issue before where the games have inconsistent volume. (The Nerd turns up the volume on his TV)
Even the scanning is inconsistent. This time it seems like I have to hold the card in place instead of swiping it. Here, we have a humorous fighting game with controls way more awkward than X-Men. It sort of reminds me more of Clayfighter with its comedic elements, but instead of being charming, it comes off as just plain weird. ("I like pie. I like to have pie everyday!") Besides, why are they calling it wrestling when they're not even wrestling? (His opponent transforms into a cheeseburger, much to the Nerd's disbelief) And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.
At last, we have Ben 10, based off the TV series. (The "Ben 10" theme song plays so loud, the Nerd covers his ears and quickly lowers the volume) It's another sidescroller. You take control of Ben, and using the different cards, you can transform into different alien creatures. (Zooms in on a white rectangular box which looks somewhat like a Wii) By the way, what's that? A Nintendo Wii?
I like the concept. The graphics and character animations are great. This could've been great, almost awesome, but half the time you're not even playing the game, you're just waiting through text boxes. Use the jump button to jump over the rock? This game treats you like an idiot! You can't do anything! Every step you take, the game pauses and another text box comes up. It's like Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest, but multiplied a thousand times! It's like they took the most annoying part of one game and made it the whole game 20 years later. This game is so recent, it came out after I critiqued Simon's Quest. Couldn't anybody learn? I was already 11 episodes in by the time this shit hit the market in October 2006. The text boxes can freeze you in mid-air as you're trying to jump over a hole. When it unfreezes, you lose your momentum and fall to your death. I'm trying to jump! Leave me alone, let me play the game! I can't read it anyway, because they somehow put the text on the background layer. How did somebody let this game get so fucked up?! These text boxes are your worst enemy and unholiest of gaming nightmares. (The Nerd jumps across the hole but dies) FUUUCK!!
You know, I played almost the entire library for it. There's also a Spider-Man game that I don't own, but that's five games. They made five games total for this piece of garbage. That's less games than the Virtual Boy. Well, at least it's not as bad as the R-Zone. Hyperscan... Hyper fucking shit!
(The Nerd reaches for the Day 11 game as the episode ends)