Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid: Ikari Warriors on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes.
Two guys tugging at their crotches march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick 1 or 2 players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me, so I'm going solo, like usual. Your plane crashes in the jungle, and the game begins.
First thing I have to get out of the way: is it Rambo? That's what everybody called this guy, from the time this game came out up until the present day. He's shirtless, running around the jungle with a headband shooting people, so naturally everyone assumes he's Rambo. The real names depend on where you're coming from. In most of the world they're Paul and Vince, uh, but in Japan, they're Ralf Jones and Clark Steel, later to be featured in King of Fighters.
Anyways, Ikari Warriors doesn't seem so bad at first. It's a standard shoot-em-up game. Unlike Ikari Warriors 2 when you're on the fucking moon.
In-game voice: Welcome! (Though the game sounds like it's saying 'bath time'.)
Nerd: Did he just say "bath time"?
In-game voice: Welcome!
(the Nerd mimics the game saying "bath time".)
Nerd: Yeah, bath time.
They were many versions of this game, like Atari. (Nerd holds up the Atari 2600 box for the game)
That's right, Ikari Atari. I just wanted to be able to say that.
(Nerd throws the Ikari Warriors Atari 2600 game box away.)
Anyway, the frustration starts to set in real fast. You're surrounded by enemy soldiers, missiles fly out of nowhere without any patterns, landmines appear, everything explodes. Even when destryoing an enemy vehicle, you can't be near the blast radius. To put it simply, you die very easily. An average game of Ikari Warriors lasts maybe five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code: A,B,B,A. It brings you back to life. Oops, I'm dead again. A,B,B,A. A,B,B,A. Get used to that, you're gonna be doing it a lot. A,B,B,A.
It's real fair when the enemy bullets travel all the way across the screen, but yours stop within throwing distance. Aiming your gun is a real bitch. Instead of firing in a straight line, it's slightly off-center. So, how am I supposed to shoot this guy without stepping into his line of fire? I know that the reasoning for it being off-center is that he's holding the gun in his right hand, but come on, it's a game. Even the grenades that look like salt shakers don't help much. Look at this! I can't shoot this guy! It's like you have to be some kind of geometry genius to figure out the right position to hit your target. Fuck!
This is nothing like the smooth, fluid control of Super Contra. And that was NES, just as well. Here, every time when you want to face the opposite direction, you have to turn yourself around 180 degrees. By the time you turn around, you're dead. The arcade version used a special rotary joystick that made it more novel, but it didn't translate well to the NES. Even with the code, every time you respawn, you start at the bottom of the screen. So, if you didn't make the screen move, you haven't made progress. I just wanted to go up. Make the screen move. Um, um.
Man, and the problem is you move so slow. That's my main gripe with this game. It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck. And with only one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
(The Nerd goes behind the couch and sees the Guitar Guy's skeleton there, still wearing his hat and holding a guitar. The Nerd looks at the NES controller and decides to use the code to bring Guitar Guy back to life.)
(Guitar Guy's body slowly appears over where the skeleton was. He opens his eyes and looks around.)
Guitar Guy: (Groans in disgust) I guess somebody needs a favor.
Nerd: Yeah, I need your help. To beat a game.
(Guitar Guy sits up.)
GG: Let me, let me guess, a-a shitty game.
Nerd: Yeah, a shitty game: Ikari Warriors.
GG: Yeah, I know that game.
Nerd: Oh, yeah?
GG: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game, too.
Nerd: Uh huh?
GG: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, grease up the game and just take it and shove it up your ass. I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
Nerd: Yeah, the theme song, I thought people were getting tired of that.
GG: You thought wrong!
Nerd: Yeah. (He looks at the viewers.) I know. All right, so, If we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
Nerd: All right. Let's do this. Play the song.
GG: (singing) Do mi so mi do.
Nerd: Play the song.
(Guitar Guy clears his throat in an annoying manner.)
Nerd: (Shouts) PLAY THE FUCKING SONG!
GG: (singing) He's gonna take you back to the past, to play some shitty games that suck ass! He'd rather have a buffalo, take a diarrhea dump in his ear. He'd rather eat the rotten asshole, of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer. He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard. He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd! He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd! He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
(Nerd selects 2 players as he promised.)
Nerd: OK, Ikari Warriors! You know what 'ikari' means?
Nerd: Anger. Yeah, in Japan, and, uh, it depends on, uh...
GG: Do you know what 'warrior' means?
Nerd: Warrior? No.
GG: Brave soldier or fighter.
Nerd: Brave soldier or fighter.
GG: So, who is this guy, Rambo?
Nerd: Well, if he's Rambo, then who's the other guy?
GG: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Nerd: Which movie?
Nerd: (Gasps) That'll be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last. Of course, it'll be Rambo and Commando. Say that three times fast.
Both: Rambo Commando, Rambo Commando, Rambo Commando.
Nerd: You die, hit A,B,B,A, that's how you come back. Oh, you died again. A,B,B,A. A,B,B,A.
GG: That's all you fucking do in this game is hit A,B,B,A.
Nerd: Pretty much. Don't bother to kill anybody, just keep going up, you just wanna get that screen to move. Just keep going.
GG: So slow.
Nerd: Yeah, we'll be old men by the time we'll make it there.
GG: Go, go!
Nerd: I know it's basic instincts, but pressing the D pad really, really hard, (Grunts) doesn't make you move any faster.
GG: Why is everybody dancing like a ballerina when they die?
Nerd: I don't know, they just--I mean, why do you spin around when you die?
GG: Why is that guy spazzing out? It looks like he's having a seizure.
Nerd: (chuckles) Ah, yeah, it's a glitch. What's the point of the bridge when you move just as slow as in the water?
GG: They're good swimmers.
Nerd: But they're slow as ass on the bridge.
GG: They're bad walkers. (laughs)
Nerd: Get in the tank, get in the tank! Aw, come on, why do I get the pink tank?
GG: Why do I get the baby blue tank?
Nerd: Those are great camouflage colors. Every time you think you're gonna get in the tank, it explodes. Boom. Look, there goes the tank. Boom. There goes the tank. And when you do get in the tank, all it does is give you a false sense of invincibility. You have to keep collecting these fuel canisters, or else the tank runs out of gas. And when it runs out of gas, it explodes. Why would it explode if it runs out of gas? Does that make any sense to you?
GG: Not to me.
Nerd: All right, you wanna get some beer?
GG: Uh, not particularly.
Nerd: Well, if you drive, I'll drink it.
GG: I'm sure you will.
(Nerd & Guitar Guy are inside a moving car, and look at the fuel gauge.)
Nerd: Oh, shit! We forgot to get gas.
GG: It's on-it's on empty! (Moans and stutters) What should we do?
Nerd: Get out of the car! Go, go, go!
(Nerd & Guitar Guy run away from the car before it explodes.)
(Scene changes back to the basement.)
GG: Does this level ever end?
Nerd: That's right. We're still playing the first level. You could beat Contra in the time it takes you to beat one fucking stage here.
GG: I'm sick of staring at the same terrain.
Nerd: Yeah, looks like we're walking on a giant chocolate chip cookie, growing mold.
GG: A chocolate chip cookie that fell out of somebody's ass.
Nerd: Why would it have been in someone's ass? All right, well, this has to be the end. Once we get to the other side of this bridge.
Nerd: Oh, my God, it's still going on. OK, w-well the boss. Uh, once we defeat the boss, that's gotta be the end.
(Guitar Guy shakes his head no)
Nerd: (sighs) It's still going. This is a fucking marathon. This is one level. This is the longest level in video game history. A checkpoint or something? It just, it just goes on, and on, and on.
GG: And that fucking music.
GG: Please stop. OK, I've had enough of this. I think I'm gonna blow my brains out.
Nerd: Just hang in there, OK?
GG: I don't think having two players is speeding this up at all.
Nerd: Oh, finally, level two. ... It's the same fucking thing! Well, I mean, same terrain, the music is the same.
(Guitar Guy's character in-game appears to be inside of a rock.)
GG: I think I'm stuck.
Nerd: You're not stuck. Stop foolin' around. Get out of there.
GG: I'm trying!
Nerd: Uh... you're really stuck.
GG: Just-just kill me.
(the Nerd attempts to shoot Guitar Guy's character dead in-game)
Nerd: I'm trying. That's what I'm trying to do.
GG: No, kill me for real.
Nerd: Wait, wait, if we just wait for one of these missiles to come--
(The missile kills Guitar Guy's character in-game.)
Nerd: There, we go. All right! We're back in business now. Oh. Oh, shit! You respawned inside of another rock.
GG: I've had with this fucking game. I gonna blow my fucking brains out.
(Guitar Guy shoots himself in the head with a Nintendo Zapper gun, and 'dances like a ballerina' before he pops out of sight.)
(Guitar Guy is brought back to life and is stuck inside of the couch.)
GG: Ah, fuck!
Nerd: Yeah, you're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
GG: Get me out of this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
Nerd: Yeah! Made it to level 3, and finally, it looks different. But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different, it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into the Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
GG: (singing) White chocolate bars and scrotum guns? (speaking) Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.
Nerd: Aw, I'm stuck! What's holding me back? Oh, I get it. It's the green pipes. You can't walk through 'em. But you can walk over the yellow pipes, and the yellow pipes seems to be above the green pipes, so, the layout just doesn't make any sense.
GG: That's because Mario goes through the green pipes.
Nerd: Ah, so-so Mario's going through there. Yeah? Well then, who goes through the yellow pipes? Luigi?
GG: Don't be stupid, shit goes through there.
Nerd: Even the bad guys hover inside the walls. Anything goes with this game. And look at these guys--hiding inside barrels of flammable liquid. If you're in a gun war, would you hide inside a barrel of flammable liquid?
GG: (singing) Better than hiding behind-- (speaking) --a fucking couch for all these goddamn years!
Nerd: The layout of the stage is unsuitable for a tank. You can't even use the tank! Look, I'm stuck in the water!
GG: (singing) Tank in the water, can't get out! Pink motherfucking tank!
Nerd: And you can't shoot people who are up on a wall!
Nerd: I guess I gonna have to go through the doorway?
GG: (singing) Sounds pretty normal, if you ask me.
Nerd: Yeah, that's real fair.
GG: (singing) It's not fair at all.
Nerd: If you get the helicopter you'll be lucky if you can keep it for 2 seconds.
GG: (singing) That's a really bad rental.
Nerd: The enemies explode now, by the way.
GG: (singing) Spontaneous combustion.
Nerd: A hidden bomb under the doorway, that's real fair.
GG: (singing) That kinda sucks.
Nerd: And is it just me, or are my bullets going through people? I can't seem to hit anybody! Ugh! Fuck!
GG: (singing) It's another shitty game.
Nerd: Look at this, my bullets are going right through 'em, my bullets are going right through 'em! Look at this! (Grunting) (Exclaims) Yeah, finally!
GG: (singing) It's the game of life: A,B,B,A. It will bring you back today if you want it to.
Nerd: A,B,B,A! A,B,B,A! Fuck! (the Nerd's in-game character dies)
GG: (singing) It will save you today.
Nerd: It didn't save me now!
GG: (singing) And bring you back to life.
Nerd: Apparently, near the end of level 3, A,B,B,A stops working.
GG: (singing) Didn't save him today.
Nerd: OK, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives, then we're gonna use a stage select code, that way we can go back to level 3 and continue our fuckin' game. You can find the code in the classic book, "How to Win at Nintendo".
Nerd: Now, check out this code: right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select.
(Nerd looks incredulously at the camera.)
Nerd: What were they thinking?! Why does the code have to be so fucking long?! And according to the book you have to punch it all in right before the title comes up! Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, B, A, B, up, A, down, righ--(groans) fuck!
GG: (singing) Up, down, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up...
(the screen fades to black briefly, white letters say: "One hour later")
Nerd: So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To really find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, "Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies". Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is during the title screen, not before it. Let's try again.
GG: (singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
Nerd: So here we are, back in level 3.
GG: (singing) We might be past the scrotum guns, but I haven't forgot them, because they are so hairless. Where did their hair go? Whoo-hoo! Where did their hair go? Where did their hair go? Where did their hair go?
Nerd: Oh, fuck, I'm stuck! I'm barricaded by all these green pipes! That means I have no choice but to reset the game and put the code in again.
GG: (singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down... (fades out)
Nerd: Ooh, red carpet. I smell boss. Okay I guess I'm at the final boss and it's a dead guy sitting behind a desk.
GG: (singing) Dead guy behind a desk, looks so... dead.
Nerd: OK, he's even deader now because I blew him into oblivion, but now--what do I do? Where am I supposed to go?
GG: According to this book, you have to bomb the floor and a staircase appears.
Nerd: 'Bomb the floor and a staircase appears', yeah, that's really great, how the fuck would anybody figure that out!? Alright just bombing the floor here!
GG: (singing) Bombing the floor! Bombing the floor!
Nerd: And all the missiles are coming down!
GG: (singing) Bombing the floor! Bombing the floor!
Nerd: Let a guy look for a staircase in peace!
GG: (singing) Bombing the floor! Bombing the floor!
Nerd: Alright, there we go!
GG: (singing) Floor is bombed!
Nerd: And... level 4, really? Alright, this is the last stage?
GG: Uh... (He refers to the "How to Win at Nintendo" book.) ... this says it is.
Nerd: Alright, classic. Instead of many stages offering lots of variety, just have four really long, boring-ass stages.
GG: (singing) Guys dancing around, guys stuck in the walls, tanks getting blown up, pink fortress, fuck! Rambo Commando, where are you when I need you? You motherfucker, you're stuck in the wall again! Guys dancin' around wearing pink suits and baby blue sky suits, I just want to ask you, the fuck is wrong with you!? Who picked out your outfit!?
Nerd: Anyway, the last stage is hard as fuck. I hate these guys who swim underwater, you can't shoot them when they're submerged and they're too fast to outrun! What are these: human beings or fucking torpedoes?
GG: (singing) Throw milk at them. Just try it, might work.
Nerd: Also, they run over the islands like it's nothing, but if I try to do that: look how slow I am! And if you go under a doorway, you can count on there being a bomb there! That's real fair! Look at this: I'm gonna go through the doorway. How much you wanna bet there's gonna be a bomb there?
GG: Let's see.
Nerd: Here it comes, here it comes, BOOM! See?
GG: (singing) Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. These pink motherfucking tanks! They're making love to all the scrotum guns, it's a different part in the game, you haven't noticed it yet, but it's a level that's hidden! Just trust me, you motherfucking Nintendo dork! Don't question me, I live behind the couch, I live behind the couch, and I'm now back in front of the couch and I saw scrotum guns! And they're hairless. Where did their hair go? Sing it with me, where did their hair go? I asked Rambo Commando, Rambo Commando, where did their hair go?
Nerd: Now here's the real final boss: just some weird robot face on a wall that looks like Skeletor's cousin or something. You just throw a few grenades at it, and that's it. There you have Ikari Warriors.
GG: (singing) Beat the game, congratulations, Nerd!
Nerd: Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
(Guitar Guy sings the words to the tune of the AVGN theme.)
GG: You have accomplished the mission. You are the very prevailer that protect right and justice. I would express my sincere. Thanks to you. Take good rest! General Kawasaki
Nerd: Get back behind the couch.
GG: (singing) He's the Angry Video Game Nerd!
Kyle: (singing) ... but I never forget them, they just look too hairless to me. Where did their hair go?
(Kyle and James both laugh.)
Kyle: I told you, that's the chorus! (singing) Where did their hair go?