The Nerd: You know, there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd... which is me. Yeah, all these years while I've been busy playing shitty games, people've been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. [referring to the game publisher, LJN] Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play is that I have to play them on a computer. (The Nerd looks at his Commodore 64.) Hmm... (He shrugs his shoulders.)
The Nerd: Well, anyway, the first AVGN game we're gonna look at is The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!
(An 8-bit version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays while the 8-bit Kyle Justin rises out of a logo that says "ERIC RUTH PRESENTS". The title screen shows up and there is an 8-bit sprite of the Nerd with a beer bottle, and the screen says: "THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME. PRESS START.")
8-Bit Nerd: Who the Hell thought to make a game of me? What were they thinking?
The Nerd: That wasn't me talking, that was the game. My voice is in this game.
8-Bit Nerd: Stage 1: Rock 'n Roll City. Ready? I sure am. Here we go!
The Nerd: That's me throwing beer bottles. I have to admit, I've done that before, but if I had that many beers, I wouldn't throw 'em, I'd drink 'em. But then again, I've never been on a rooftop getting attacked by Scrotum Cannons, blimps dropping bombs, and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! (An enemy in-game looks like a midget in a blue box, eyes popping out with a fish above him.) When would you ever see me jumping across a roof top? Who do I think I am, Jackie Chan?
8-Bit Nerd: Oh my God, there's fuckin' missiles falling down. Man, when the Hell does this ever happen in my life? This has never happened!
The Nerd: Exactly, just like I said in the game. I don't even need to talk, just listen.
8-Bit Nerd: Cannons, and, uh, Zeppelins and fish, w-what was that th--? What was that? I'm dead! What the Hell was that? Fuck!
The Nerd: My sentiments exactly.
8-Bit Nerd: Fuck, I'm dead as shit!
(The screen says: "GAME OVER ASSHOLE", and the end of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays.)
The Nerd: The stage boss... is a helicopter/guitar. And I wish I didn't already call the cannons Scrotum Cannons, because now the game is just mocking me. Have you ever seen the AVGN episode where a giant helicopter/guitar comes flying in and pisses all over me?
8-Bit Nerd: I'm dead! Fuck! (A tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word "FUCK" on it.)
The Nerd: Is that going to be my epitaph? (camera zooms in on tombstone) "FUCK"? The second stage, I'm in the water, where every random thing is trying to kill me: like a submarine/shark. And I can't beat the shark. I just can't. It may look like I'm suckin' ass at it, but what do you expect? I'm playin' on a keyboard. And the controls are the complete opposite of what's on a regular controller. Jump/attack is on the left, and moving is on the right. So I have to switch my hands around and get carpal tunnel.
The Nerd: The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fucking fish! Fuck! Dah! These beers are like the rock in Friday the 13th, and I already told you how bad that is.
(The Nerd's eyes widen in horror as he looks at the screen.)
The Nerd: Oh no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. This game is all my fault. (Sighs in disgust)
The Nerd: Time for another AVGN game. Let's try Pixel Land Blast by Kevin Barryman. This one came out the same year, back in 2008.
Pixel Land Blast Nerd: ASS!
The Nerd: Well, it looks like a bunch of shitty NES games have invaded the fantasy world of a familiar good game that we all know. [referring to Super Mario Bros.] So, I'm flying around like Superman, blasting every copy of these games in existence. This game is my ultimate fantasy. Fucking games, blast you all to Hell! DIE! (Grunts and growls) YEAH!
The Nerd: Needless to say, it's a 2D shooter. All you do is shoot the games, shoot the games, and shoot the games. There's not much else to say. You even get to take down the Power Glove or Power Gauntlet, and the Virtual Boy. Even Shit Pickle makes an appearance.
Pixel Land Blast Shit Pickle: SHIT PICKLE!
The Nerd: The first game was designed to make me angry, but this one is a lot easier, so maybe it's more like therapy.
Pixel Land Blast Nerd: ASS!
The Nerd: Maybe now I'm calmed down enough to play another AVGN game.
Pixel Land Blast Nerd: OH, SHIT!
The Nerd: This is AVGN K.O. BOXING by Devin Cook. It's made in the style of an Atari 2600 game, very faithfully. It's as if you took Punch-Out!! and put it into an Atari game. You control this anonymous, invisible guy, not the Nerd. So if you ever wanted to punch me in the face... there you go! (The anonymous guy starts punching the Nerd) (growls) Take that, Nerd! ... Me!
The Nerd: Next opponent is Shit Pickle. How does Shit Pickle keep coming into my life? Next up is Jason Voorhees. Man, is he hard. (groans) FUCK! (grunts) I can't beat him. Quite honestly, it's a fun game. It's definitely better than any of the boxing games on Atari.
The Nerd: Next up is AVGN Planet by Davidi. The plot of the game is that all of my enemies, such as Bugs Bunny, Freddy and Jason, have been sent to a planet, and now I'm going there to fight them, once again. [quoting the game] "Is it just me, or does that not make sense?" It doesn't.
The Nerd: The game is in the style of Metroid, with me running around through caverns and collecting power-ups. It also uses the same kinda puzzle-solving where you have to find out how to open a door, and it's a good effort. The controls use the keyboard to move, and the mouse to aim. So I guess you could say: it's very PC. Here's that bunny bastard.
(Bugs Bunny appears, and The Nerd keeps shooting at him in-game, the battle goes on for a while.)
The Nerd: Come on, die already. Die already! Oh, my God! Die! Just fucking DIE! Who would've thought he'd be the strongest boss in video game history?!
(The Nerd defeats Bugs Bunny.)
The Nerd: Yeah! Finally! And I'm rewarded with beer. (A pile of beer pick-ups appear in-game after Bugs dies.) The second boss, I think, is Jason Voorhees, and if you thought Bugs Bunny was tough: look at this. Just look at this! I'll try the missiles.
(The Nerd uses up all of his missiles in-game.)
The Nerd: There goes my missiles. I can't kill this guy. After all, he is Jason Voorhees. Come on, Jason. He won't even kill me. He's taunting me. He wants me to die slow. Well, fuck him. If you can get past this force field, you can transport to the next stage. Again, good effort. But, one thing: I couldn't figure out how to quit the game, and killing yourself takes a long time. (Nerd sprite gets killed in-game with a large explosion.)
The Nerd: Next is AVGN: Game Over by Lord Gavin Games.
Game Over Guitar Guy: (singing) He's gonna take you back to the past.
The Nerd: The intro is really cool. It shows me beating up characters from the games I talked about, set to that awesome theme song cover.
Game Over Guitar Guy: (singing) He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear.
The Nerd: So, I get sucked into a video game world, and the first stage is based on Super Mario Bros. Rather than jumping on Goombas...
Game Over Nerd: FUCK!
The Nerd: ...I fight 'em like a man! Mmm! Punch 'em!
Game Over Nerd: ASS! PIECE OF SHIT!
The Nerd: (Talking to in-game Nerd.) Yeah, tell 'em.
The Nerd: Honestly, this is pretty fun, but unfortunately I'm having technical problems. (a Windows error message saying "AVGN Game Over has stopped responding" appears) The game crashed, and, to be serious for one moment, I'm not playing on a Commodore: it's a brand-new PC. The game crashed again and again within only the first 30 seconds of the game. And every time it crashed, I had to wait through the entire intro, I can't find a way to skip it. So, unfortunately, I can't play this one for some reason. Whether it be a problem with my computer, or whatever. And it's a shame, just when things were startin' to blow up.
The Nerd: Well, anyway, Lord Gavin strikes again with AVGN: Game Over 2. This sequel is done in more of a 16-bit style.
Game Over 2 Nerd: FUCK!
The Nerd: Feels a lot more like Super Mario World. What's really awesome about this one is that you can use an Xbox controller with it; that's right, a real controller. Don't try to play it with the keyboard, or else you won't be able to jump correctly. I found that out the hard way. I think this game is really well done, even though it may not be AVGN-themed that much.
Game Over 2 Nerd: ASS!
The Nerd: Now let's move on to consoles, which is more like my familiar territory. This game, I got on an actual Atari 2600 cartridge, simply titled The Angry Video Game Nerd. It was sent by Lodmot. Well, it definitely looks and plays just like an Atari game.
(The camera zooms in on a white sprite, which is apparently the Angry Video Game Nerd)
The Nerd: That's me, by the way. Damn! I'm lookin' good! The things on the bottom are Sega, Atari and Nintendo consoles. If you can wrap your head around a Sega or a Nintendo console being in a game that's being played on an Atari console.
The Nerd: The things flying in from the top are shitty games. The object is to shoot the shitty games before they get to your consoles. In true Atari fashion, it takes a lot of imagination and has lots of flashing effects.
The Nerd: Is that the music from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
(A large, purple box, representing the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" cartridge, slowly appears from the top of the screen, accompanied by the title theme of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" on the NES.)
The Nerd: All we need is some boom, gimme some BOOM, GIMME SOME BOOM! (explosion) ...BOOM! YEAH! (The boss explodes and flashes colors in typical Atari fashion. The Nerd is open-jawed with awe at this game.)
The Nerd: It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist AVGN vs. Dr. Wily by ABOhiccups?
(The screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.)
The Nerd: It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. (A sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.) Yeah, that's me!
The Nerd: So basically, it's Mega Man 2, but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in Mega Man 2, one of the best games ever made, and I'm in it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game. So if you thought the game wasn't hard enough, and it needed The Fuckin' Nerd in it, then this is for you. Anyway, let's play some more AVGN games.
(Suddenly, Board James appears and sits on the couch next to The Nerd.)
Board James: Hey, Nerd, since you've been doin' AVGN games, how about an AVGN Board Game?
The Nerd: (shocked) Board James? What is this?! Why does everyone always drop in uninvited?!
Board James: Oh, come on, this is a great game! Check it out! Angry Video Game Nerd Monopoly by Matthew Nielsen. Everybody knows how to play Monopoly; It's the same thing, but all the properties are games that you've reviewed, Nerd! Like Superman 64, Deadly Towers and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, ooh! Instead of trains for the transit system, how about traveling around in the tornado from Simon's Quest?
Board James: There's Glitch cards and Used Game Shop cards. Some of my favorites are: "You break your TV out of rage from playing Wayne's World, and have to pay $150 for a new one." And how about: You achieve the highest score in The Terminator, and get paid $150. Cheating fine, for using Game Genie! Or check out this one: "You re-visit Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest. You're re-visiting it so that means you're going backwards and not past the 'Press Start' panel." A very elaborate way to say "go back". Or: "You accidentally use an Atari Jaguar console as the toilet and the shopkeeper charges you $50 for damages. Where does he get his prices from?"
The Nerd: Yeah, Jaguar CDs are way more expensive than that.
Board James: But isn't that awesome? Somebody made a Monopoly game about you. Everybody's got to have a Monopoly game, even AC/DC has a Monopoly game.
The Nerd: Yeah, that's cool, but... how'd you get here? Aren't you supposed to be in jail?
Board James: Oh, well... I used the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! (He makes a funny face at the audience.)
The Nerd: Yeah, but, didn't you kill your friends or something?
Board James: (He looks shocked and angry.) That wasn't me, that WASN'T ME, THAT WAS THE FUCKING PHONE! GOD-- (flips off the Nerd) FUCK YOU, AND EVERYBODY! (Board James storms out of the room.)
The Nerd: OK. Y'know, that guy looks familiar. Anyway, speaking of phones, next we have a game that you play on your phone. Well... OK. (The Nerd picks up the receiver of an old-fashioned telephone, giving it a funny look.)
The Nerd: This is Texting of the Bread, produced by ScrewAttack. I believe it's a spoof of Typing of the Dead, which is a spoof of Night of the Living Dead. Wow. A spoof of a spoof.
The Nerd: I just happen to be a playable character in it. I'm just sittin' around, minding my own business, when a zombie gingerbread man bursts in. I hate it when that happens. The idea is to type, or should I say, "text" as fast as you can to shoot all the gingerbread men. This is the weirdest game I've ever been in.
The Nerd: And at last, we have the recent Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures, also produced by ScrewAttack, developed by FreakZone Games, and officially endorsed by me, which means I better check it out, and make sure they didn't fuck it up.
The Nerd: In the intro, I get pulled into the TV by my balls. [Imitating the style of the opening to 'Cheetahmen' on 'Action 52' for the NES.] Story of my life. Next thing, I'm inside an 8-bit platformer getting nagged by Naggi, the patronizing firefly. "Press A to jump? Yeah, thanks. You're a fucking genius! Now leave me alone." My 8-bit self says it all.
The Nerd: After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluid. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so fuckin' awesome?!
(Awesome music plays.)
The Nerd: You can play as hidden characters like the Bullshit Man, (Is that guy dead again?) (Guitar Guy appears in his skeleton form in-game) and Mike. Who the fuck is Mike? I don't know anyone like that. Not to mention, there's lots of hidden cameos. See if you can find 'em. (The moon from "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask" appears in the night sky.)
The Nerd: There's also power-ups like Super Mecha Death Christ, which obliterates everything, and the Glitch Gremlin, who makes everything go berserk.
The Nerd: Y'know, I've heard a lot of people say this game is very difficult, but I'm not having any trouble with it. I mean, c'mon, it's my game! I'm the Fuckin' Nerd!
(The "Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures" characters die over and over again, and the Nerd gets more and more shocked and frustrated and angry.)
The Nerd: Okay, whoever came up with this is-- (The in-game Nerd's text says: "Whoever came up with this level is an asshole!") Exactly, it read my mind. They're an asshole, which means the asshole who made this game acknowledged that they're an asshole, and that I'd call them an asshole! (You asshole.)
(The in-game Nerd jumps onto a flying surfboard, avoiding many quick-flying obstacles.)
The Nerd: Great, do I really need to be reminded of Silver Surfer again? Why does everything look like a dick? Oh, no, not the "Where'd you learn to fly?" bitch! (He's referring to Skylar from "Cybermorph" on the Atari Jaguar.)
The Nerd: Then, there's the happy land where everything is smiling. No matter where I die, or how I die, there's always one of these things making fun of me. (Smiling, happy-faced sun faces are bouncing all over the level. The Nerd stares at them hatefully and angrily.)
The Nerd: The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try Dungeons & Dickholes.
(In-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap! The Nerd is shocked!)
The Nerd: Now THIS is going TOO FAR! When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. I came up with this! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
The Nerd: WHAT THE FUCK? No way. They didn't. It's the Giant Claw. It's as big as a battleship. How did it get in this game? It just barged right in, like a battleship crashing into a harbor. It's takin' so many hits, like bullets on a battleship. It's a flying battleship!
The Nerd: This isn't the first time the Giant Claw appeared in a video game, it was also in another FreakZone game based on another terrible movie: Manos: The Hands of Fate. So, it begs the question: "When will the Giant Claw strike again?" Hmm.
(The Nerd refers to a map of the U.S.A., drawing on it as he thinks.)
The Nerd: The movie was filmed in Hollywood, Manos was filmed in El Paso, I originally broadcast out of New Jersey... hmmm, I don't see any pattern... Oh, of course. (The Nerd draws a curved line to connect all three places.) A perfect pattern.
The Nerd: Next is a level based entirely on the Atari Porn games. Who would do that?! Don't look, kids. Then there's Assholevania. It's as if you took all the things that were frustrating about the Castlevania games and the Mega Man games, and put them all together. The biggest obstacle are these Death Blocks: you touch 'em, you die. It's all about getting these patterns down, and there's hardly any room to fuck up. (Groans) Undershot it! (Yells) Overshot it! You think there's enough Death Blocks?!
The Nerd: Then there's Blizzard of Balls, a Christmas snow level. Nothing says "Christmas" like shittin' chickens. The best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled. (The Nerd rides Santa down a snowy hill in-game.) On the polar opposite, we have the Hell level: Thy Farts Consumed, where you fight Cacademons. (The Cacademons make farting sounds in-game.) And ride on a shark shooting lasers! This is ridiculous. Then, of course, you fight the Devil himself.
The Nerd: And don't you love the intentional typos? "CONGLATURATION !!" Is that the new, hip way to spell it? Is that what the kids are doing now?!
The Nerd: The remaining level is: Boo! Haunted House! You have to play the whole stage in tunnel vision, and this is where they really get carried away with the Death Blocks. Even when you know it's there, it's still hard not to touch it. Oh, WHAT?! Oh, no. Oh, jeez... Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, oh, God! I-- (Exclaims) Fuck!
The Nerd: After you've conquered all the stages, one last, final stage appears: Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts, the bane of my existence. This is deliberately designed to be one of the most unfair stages in video game history. For example: you have to shoot this gear to make the platform move, but then you're killed by the Death Block. So, you have to jump faster than your own bullet. And after that, more Death Blocks appear out of nowhere. Meanwhile, there's all kinds of shit flying everywhere. There's not one stable spot to stand to catch your breath. You gotta keep moving, you don't even have time to think! Look at this: LOOK AT ALL THESE DEATH BLOCKS! I hate 'em. I hate 'em as much as the fucking Medusa heads in Castlevania, or the grass in Bill & Ted. Every game has its thing, and this one's thing IS TO PISS ME OFF! It was made...to PISS ME OFF.
The Nerd: And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's... IT'S... Fred Fuchs. [Spelled "Fred Fucks" in-game.] It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs.
(The Nerd fights Fred Fuchs in-game)
The Nerd: Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! (Growls) FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH! (Screams and grunts as he beats Fred Fuchs) Got 'im! (In-game Nerd's text says, "Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!")
The Nerd: (He blows a heavy sigh of relief.) I feel like I played every bad game I ever played all at once. And now others are playing it because of me. It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! (Loudly) FUCK THIS GAME!
(The Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous shitty game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a command to delete the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key. The Commodore's screen reads: *FILE DELETED*.)
The Nerd: Take that, game.