(The Nerd is seen looking at the Jaws NES game box. Then he puts it down, and turns to the viewers)
You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, and you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, Jaws, by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg, and then... (pulls the game out of the box) let's give it to the game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else. (points to the LJN logo on the game cartridge) You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. Now we're talkin' shit.
(He begins to play "Jaws" on NES) Ah, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty game-making machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all. (The boat suddenly stops) What the hell? I hit something? What did I hit? Oh. Nothing. That's what it was. I hit nothing. That's what happens. You're sailing around and you get stopped at pure random and you have to abandon your ship and fight jellyfish and stingrays. I guess they had to come up with some sort of idea of other sea creatures you can fight besides just Jaws, but that's all they could come up with? Yeah, just get some enemies that go vertical and some that go horizontal and you're all covered. There's no room to explore. You can go down 'til you touch the bottom and that's it. You might as well be trapped in a fish bowl.
All you're doing here is killing time until the game decides you can go back to the boat. Then you can sail around again until you hit something else. It's sort of like RPG-style where you run into battles at random, but here it's always the same undersea scenario. Nothing changes. Just fighting jellyfish, stingrays, and occasionally a baby shark.
(notices a fin coming up towards him in-game) Uh-oh, here comes a fin. Could that be...? BAM! (Zooms in on to "You've hit Jaws!" at the bottom of the screen) Yep. You've hit Jaws. It's funny how the shark's name has become known as Jaws, even though nobody ever called it that in the movie. Well, at first you're thinking: "How could this be Jaws already?" I mean, it's so early in the game. But yes, this is it. This is Jaws. You've only been playing the game for maybe 5 minutes, and you're already fighting the final boss. Seems like a short game, but there's one catch. Jaws' power meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose's scrotum. You can attack him all you want, but as soon as the game decides to bring you back to the surface, Jaws' energy is fully restored.
The only way to beat him is to level up your power so that you can inflict damage faster. You get power when you reach one of two harbors located on opposite sides of the screen. But these harbors don't give out power for free; you gotta pay. The general accepted form of currency in this square-mile patch of secluded water in the middle of God-fuckin'-knows-where is shells. Yup, shells. They like their shells a lot. Once you get enough shells, you trade them in at the harbor for another power level. You can't go to the same harbor twice in a row. You gotta keep going back and forth. That's the only thing that keeps the game going longer. The whole thing is just powering up so you can fight Jaws.
That's all there is to the game. What a waste of time. Isn't that the point of video games? To waste time? Well, the entertainment you get from this fuckheap is more shallow than a puppy dog's piss puddle. You'd have a more stimulating time separating a pile of whoppers from rabbit doodies. To make things even more tedious, every two seconds, you hit something and have to go back underwater. To a certain extent, this is helpful because you need to collect shells, but it happens way too often. (The boat halts again) Ugh! I didn't even move the length of a gnat's dick!
The underwater scenes are extremely easy, but sooner or later, you're gonna die just because your attention span's fading. It preys on your boredom. Also, if you let a shell fall to the bottom, you better be careful. (The diver gets hurt by a jellyfish) Ugh! Man! These jellyfish are coming up from Hell. And it's a long way from Hell for them to not make their mark, so you better watch it. It's best to avoid the ocean floor, as tempting as it may be. Oh, whoa! They lure you down there with bonus items like crabs and starfish. But no. You gotta tell that ocean floor to go fuck itself! I don't want your starfish and crabs! Asshole.
It's easier to rack up shells during the bonus stages, which also occur at complete random. So we're throwing bombs on jellyfish. Seriously? You can get a submarine, which always seems to happen as a surprise. It's one of those tiny orange submarines. Yeah, you know, the kind that are smaller than people and have an unlimited supply of torpedoes? (The submarine launches a torpedo)
As soon as you're ready, you fight Jaws. If you stay on the top of the water, Jaws can't hurt you, but you can't hit him either. It may be a glitch. I wouldn't be surprised. After you drain Jaws' energy, there's still one last part of the game, where you have to stab Jaws with the tip of the boat. It's like the fourth movie, Jaws: The Revenge. You have to wait for him to be at the right spot. It seems like something that just happens out of pure luck. Ugh, smile, you son of a-- (He stabs Jaws with the sharp point, and Jaws dies) UUUURGH! (Shows a "The End" screen with silhouettes of palm trees and the sun setting on the sea) And that's all there is to this game.
We're gonna need a bigger ass to shit out this fucking turd! (takes the game out of his Nintoaster) Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up in Hill Valley. (He's making a reference to "Back to the Future II".) They might take it.
(Picks up a box) Well, right here, I got a box of games based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. (He pulls out "E.T. the Extra Terrestrial" for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game) Ugh! (Looks away in disgust, and picks another game out of the box) Lookie, lookie, I got Hookie.
(Shows the title screen of "Hook") Yeah, they made a game of Hook. You may or may not like the movie, but you probably wouldn't say it's one of Spielberg's best. In a fair world, that might balance out, and mean the game is half-decent. But, no, life isn't fair. Isn't that fun? Trying to read text with a fairy flying in the way? Get the fuck out of the way, Tinkerbell! All I can read is "By collecting food thud butt has explosive results." What?!
(looks at the Peter Pan character in-game) Is that supposed to be Robin Williams? Yeah, it looks as much like Robin Williams as a woolly mammoth looks like three leprechauns carving the solar system into a northern red oak tree. His sword looks like a paintbrush that he's holding by the bristles. Couldn't they give you a longer sword?
(looks at some platforms in the water) What are these? They look like logs of shit. (sighs) Yeah, shit. It's getting old, I know. Well, maybe we'll just say they look like... soggy... granola bars? That are soggy because they've been thrown in a toilet bowl? Next to a log of shit?
The goal is to collect different kinds of fruit, or shoot basketballs into hoops, or do other stupid things. If you make it to the end of the stage without doing these things, then you fucked up and you gotta go back and do it all over. Whenever you touch these leaves, they always take you somewhere you don't wanna go. And you don't have the option to jump off. Why does Peter Pan's feet get stuck to the leaves?
It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be sidescrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with horrible graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass. Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones? ("Game Over" screen with Peter Pan walking the plank off Captain Hook's ship and falling into the sea appears)
(Takes the game out of the Nintoaster and picks up his box) Alright, let's play another game. Let's see what we got. (He stares angrily at the E.T. game, but shakes his head and continues searching the box. He picks up a game) "Super Schindler's List 3D"? Nah, just kidding. It's Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts. (inserts Jurassic Park into the Nintoaster and turns it on.)
Well, the graphics aren't bad. The dinosaurs on the menu screen, on the continue screen, and in the game all look good. But the ground lacks texture, and is only a few shades darker than what you'd call puke green. And who are you playing as, Smokey Bear? Well, that's pretty scary. Smokey Bear with a gun? It's one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs.
Touching question mark boxes is a gamble. Either they give you health, or they kill you. Even the smallest of enemies take multiple hits to kill, and you run out of bullets real easily. Good luck finding any more. The game is real stingy with ammo. Half the time, I get lost because I don't realize these are doorways. You should be able to see straight through rather than covering it up with a fucking wall. And what's the big deal with collecting eggs? Is he trying to make a giant omelette? I bet the ending of this game is Egghead from Batman saying, "Eggcelent!"
When it comes to Jurassic Park games, they're far from extinct. Way too many of these games to count. Let's step it up to 16-bit with the Sega Genesis version. (The T-Rex seems to say "SEGA!") Did the T-Rex say "Sega!"? (The T-Rex seems to say it again) The opening scene where the T-Rex breaks loose is actually terrifying. Yeah. Being a young kid, playing this game all alone in your room late at night with the lights out, and that crazy strobe effect starts making the room flicker? Yeah, that was some scary stuff. The graphics are appealing, and the animation is good, but sometimes it's too dark. It's a mess of gnarled vines and platforms. You're never sure exactly where you can go.
You have the option of playing as either Alan Grant or the velociraptor. It's tough playing as Grant because you have to constantly switch between different weapons, and it takes too long. The raptor is stronger and has better dexterity, but jumping always seems to be a problem. You never know when you're able to drop down safely without lots of trial and error. Not too bad, but very frustrating.
There is a sequel called the Rampage Edition. Don't you think they should've called it something different? The word "edition" implies that it's an updated version of the same game, but it's a totally new game. Unlike the other game that had graphics that were dark and dismal, this one's bright and cartoonish. The first screen seems to stretch on for infinity. I don't know where the hell to go, and every time I think I'm getting somewhere, this pterodactyl picks me up and carries me all over the place! Whoa, whoa! Geez! (Changes to the raptor) Pick the raptor, 'cause that shit doesn't happen. Wow, that's one gymnastic raptor.
The Super NES version is an updated improvement on the NES version. You switch between an overhead view and a first-person view. When I played this as a kid, I thought it was amazing. It wasn't too often back then when you'd see this kind of perspective. I was always interested in virtual reality. I took a refrigerator box and decorated it to look like a futuristic land cruiser. I cut a hole for a window and placed it against the TV while playing the game inside the box. It was, um... yeah, it sucked. I like how you get to hear elevator music. (Elevator music in the game plays)
These first-person views are so hard to navigate without any kind of map system. Another thing really annoying on the overhead view is that there's onscreen instructions that keep getting in the way! Couldn't they have put that on the bottom of the screen or in the corner somewhere? It's not a bad game, but there's one serious problem. One fatal flaw that ruins the whole experience: There's no save feature. This is a pretty long game we got here, and you can't save it? You have to beat the whole game in one sitting? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
Then we have the sequel, The Chaos Continues. It's a side-scrolling shooter. Looks self-explanatory enough. You just run to the right and shoot anything that moves. But only 15 seconds into the first stage you run into a dead end. I went back and forth looking for whatever I missed and then found out that if you hit up in a certain spot, it takes you to another screen. It's like Friday the 13th where you have to keep going along different paths. But look at this! How was I supposed to know this was a path? There's nothing there. But on the other screen there's a flashing red arrow. Now I know. That would've been more helpful to tell me the first time.
So why have arrows on all the paths except the first one? I think I may have the reason. It's hidden behind the bush. You might think, "Well, no game designer would be stupid enough to put a foreground bush in front of where an arrow is supposed to go. They probably just forgot to put the arrow there." Well, I can prove this, because there are some parts in the game where you can see an arrow going behind the bush. They covered the arrow with the bush! What a total fuck-up.
Even after you know about all the paths, it's still confusing to navigate. Every screen looks the same, so it's hard to tell where you've already been unless you draw yourself a map. This part, you have to walk into a rock which takes you to Hell. Yep, dinosaurs in Hell. And in this stage, all you do is shoot people. People? What is this, Jurassic Park or fucking Contra? (the in-game character cocks his gun) Shop smart, shop S-Mart.
The Sega CD version is a point-and-click game. This is a good game to play if you want to fall asleep, or learn dinosaur facts. (Scientist: Compy is one of the all-time smallest dinosaurs, about the size of a coyote. 10 pounds.) You click where you want to go, then you see a movie screen and the game automatically takes you there. I would much prefer being able to control myself walking around freely, but instead you have to point and click. Now, I don't have anything against point-and-click games. I just suck at them. I can't figure out where to go. I've been searching around this room for an hour and all I can find are locked doors and a crate that I can't open. I found some pliers. Hmm, maybe I can use them on the crate? (Derp! Derp! Derp!) No, that doesn't work. Can I use them on the door? (Derp! Derp! Derp!) No! Can't do that either. Can't go here, can't go there. Can't do this, can't do that. Ughh, I suck at these games.
The 3DO version is the strangest by far. Who are these people? That supposed to be Sam Neill? That supposed to be Jeff Goldblum? They were able to license Jurassic Park but couldn't use images from the movie? What we have here is a bizarre series of minigames. What is this? Space Invaders with Jurassic Park characters? Yeah, shoot all the Dennis Nedry's. (sarcastically) Wow. They really came up with good ideas for these minigames. Didn't you always want to be a dinosaur footprint bouncing an egg around? This should be an 80's arcade game, not a cutting-edge 3DO game! Super Glove Ball was better than this shit.
There's a driving stage with a vehicle that's impossible to keep under control. One faint tap of the button sends you flying a million miles per hour and there's no brakes. Even the rivers and different terrain don't slow you down. Ugh, the music and sound effects are beyond godawful. They're Satan-awful. ("Hey!") Is that the triceratops saying, "Hey!"? ("Hey!")
Oh, look at this. You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit chip land shooting 3 1/2 inch floppy disks. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH JURASSIC PARK?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! Wait a minute, what does it say on the floppy disks? "Dump"?! It says "Dump"?! How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.
Sadly, the best part is sort of a rail shooter where you're zapping dilophosaurus with lasers. There's also a first-person stage where you're running around like a rat in a maze from cardboard-cutout raptors. (Woman screams as the dinosaur attacks, frightening the Nerd) Whoa, whoa!
There's a driving stage where you're trying to outrun the T-Rex. It's nice to be playing what resembles an actual scene from the movie, but who's driving the car? I don't see any hands. Are you a ghost? Why would a T-Rex be chasing a ghost? There'd be no meat to eat. (Thinks) I guess the hand could be like on the bottom part of the wheel, y'know, or like maybe driving with the knee or something? But that's some pretty casual driving for somebody who's being chased by a fucking T-Rex. I could see it like, (pretends to be talking on the phone) "Hey, I'm stopping at Dunkin' Donuts. You want me to pick you up some coffee? Oh, what's that? Oh, it's just some fucking T-Rex behind me, yeah. What an asshole."
By the way, remember the pirates in the movie? How about a tutu-wearing pink angel-winged... what the fuck?! Jurassic Park on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet "Jur Ass" it sucks! In the words of Ian Malcolm, "That is one big pile of shit."
The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slap) they sold it.
Here's an Atari 2600 game I got, and it's probably the strangest cover in my whole collection. E.T. Go Come? What the Hell does it mean by E.T. Go Come? And is this supposed to be E.T., next to a piece of purple toast with blueberry jam? A balloon? What are all these things? What kind of game is this? It doesn't work properly on my TV. I can only see half the screen. I'm guessing this is because it's a European game. So let me try it on an older TV. Now I can adjust the vertical hold... aaand, there we go. It resembles Pac-Man, but is actually the European version of a game called Aliens Return. It doesn't live up to the cover in any way. The idea is to keep touching these horseshoe-shaped rooms to make pieces of your ship appear, while avoiding evil aliens. That's pretty much it.
Now even though this game says E.T. Go Come on the cover, it is not the E.T. game. Oh, no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's one game I never play. (He stares at the E.T. game again, while a choir sings in the background eerily. He picks it up reluctantly and pulls the game out of the box, but it's too much for him. He throws it down in disgust.) Ugh! (looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the E.T. game, and hides his face again with texts appearing saying "To Be Continued in Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie")