The Nerd: (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day.
(He covers his eyes and picks out a random SNES game.)
The Nerd: Lester the Unlikely. It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game.
(Title screen for Lester the Unlikely appears on the screen. Lester gives out a Tarzan-like yell as he swings in on a vine.)
The Nerd: Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on vine. Like every other jungle adventure game.
The Nerd: Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... ugh. OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.
Now that is the most embarrassing walk cycle I've ever seen.
Lester: Ugh! Ugh! No!
The Nerd: What's he doing? (Lester cowers) What the hell's that about? Jump! Ugh, what is he, humping the air now?
Lester: Aah!
The Nerd: Oh, come on, he can't even jump without getting hurt? This guy needs to take lessons from Mario. You're not allowed to jump from too greater height. You have to stand on the edge, face the opposite direction, and gently lower yourself down. It's tedious, and it takes a while to learn. It's not that uncommon; there were other games with a similar control scheme like Prince of Persia, Out Of This World, and Nosferatu, which all used the same style of rotoscoped animation. But this is just annoying. Half the time, Lester does things against your own will.
Lester: (runs away from a crab) Whoa!
The Nerd: I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? (Lester runs from a turtle) Go near the damn turtle! Why does he keep running? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle? Run, Lester, run. Get away from that turtle. That turtle might charge really fast.
The Nerd: I figured out that you can kill these crabs by kicking. And yes, that puny little kick is your only means of attack. The air humping, I don't know what that does. But you can't hump the turtle. I'm trying to jump on this thing, but it's not working.
Lester: Ow!
The Nerd: Ugh, you can't jump on the turtle? (Lester kicks the turtle, making it withdraw into its shell) Oh. You kick it. Why didn't I think of it before? Heh. Jumping on the turtle. I really gotta stop thinking about Mario.
The Nerd: How am I supposed to get up there? Hm, can I push the rock? (Lester starts pushing the rock) Yes, I can. Alright, come on, get up on the rock. Okay. (sigh) Fuck. Push the fucking rock, push the fucking rock. Ah, here we go. Alright, this is as close as you can get. Ah, fuck! I'm stuck! Jump! Ugh! What? Ugh, fuck!
The Nerd: Get on the fucking rock! Hey, get closer! Fuck! Ugh, augh. Get closer. Aw, fuck! Geez, I feel like a fucking dumbass! Augh, get up there! Ugh! Get the fuck up there! Get the- oh man! Don't know how I did it.
(Bird caws)
The Nerd: Aw, shit! There's birds now? Ugh, duck! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! (Lester gets picked up by the bird) Let me go!
(The Nerd frantically taps random buttons on the SNES controller, hoping to be let go, but is taken back to the beginning of the level)
The Nerd: Argh, I have to do the whole level all over again? This game is ass gravy.
The Nerd: The next level's inside a cave, and now things are becoming very labyrinth-like. On top of bad control, I don't even know where to go. (Lester falls down a pit) Aw, doo-doo! The only way to find out what's below is to drop down.
(Lester falls again)
The Nerd: Oh, COME ON, that time I didn't even let go.
(Lester takes damage)
The Nerd: Augh, you can't even jump and grab on a ledge without taking damage? You know what it is? You're just not allowed to take shortcuts. It has to be as slow and diligent as possible. What a fussy game.
(Lester gets chased by bats)
The Nerd: Oh, no. Why do so many games have to have bats? (Lester dies) AW, DOODY!
The Nerd: I don't have time to climb down. This is the moment when being able to jump would be helpful. I hate bats. I fucking hate 'em.
Lester: Ow!
The Nerd: Get away from me! (The bats chase Lester) Ugh! I can outrun them! I can do it! (Lester takes damage when jumping and grabbing on the ledge, but the bats catch up to him and he dies) Oh, shit!
The Nerd: This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. (He puts the CD-i game in, and it starts. "The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe" is just a slideshow of pictures of flowers with soothing music. At first the Nerd is stunned, then he eventually gets pissed and shakes his head.) No. I wouldn't.
(Back to Lester the Unlikely)
The Nerd: What's this? I never noticed this rock before. Can I pick it up? (Lester picks up the rock) Oh, my God. Now I feel like an idiot. But I can't really blame myself. I thought the rock was just part of the scenery. How's anyone supposed to distinguish it from all this other crap?
(Lester runs into a dead end)
The Nerd: Oh, great. A dead end. (Lester throws a rock at the door) The rock doesn't do anything.
The Nerd: Okay, there's a treasure chest. I'll open the lock by just ricocheting a rock against the wall. (Lester obtains a ruby) A ruby. Cool. (Lester drops the ruby) Wait. I can't keep both the rock and the ruby? Are you kidding me? You can't hold a weapon and an item at the same time? Why even have two boxes then?
(Actually, Lester can carry two items. Either there was something wrong during development or something got cut and the Nerd and the crew didn't notice.)
(Lester places the ruby on a magic rock to open the door)
The Nerd: And there we go. Off to the next level. Now he's afraid of totem poles? This guy sucks!
Now we gotta jump earthquakes and fire and shit? This isn't the kind of game that should require platforming and jumping skills. Once you land on a sinking platform, you're stuck. You don't even get a chance to jump back to safer ground.
(Lester gets pulled by a smoke hand from the fire pit and dies)
Jump. Ugh!
(Lester lands on the sinking platform and dies)
The Nerd: Jump. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no -- Ugh! Jump. Ju- (smoke hands grab Lester)---fucking hands! Jeez!
The Nerd: Jump. (Lester lands on the sinking platform and dies) Aww, fuck! Why does he stand still? It's like he's asking to die. After all, it's the same guy who slept on a cargo platform. Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it. He's supposed to be a nerd.
The Nerd: Well, this nerd makes me look like Charles Bronson. Steve Urkel could beat the shit out of this guy! I think this whole thing was part of an experiment: to create the world's worst video game character.
The Nerd: No wonder he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start, and you couldn't even move. All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a shit.
The Nerd: The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (The Nerd shrugs)
The Nerd: The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo...(the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)...and it explodes.
The Nerd: (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the Lester the Unlikely 5 bag and shit is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd covers his nose afterwards.)
The Nerd: And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state of the art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.
The Nerd: And the original Lester will always be a classic that's improved like wine. Wine that's made from fermented rat piss with a fine aroma of the dead fly swarmed carcass of a 3-day-old deer, with the delicate crisp flavor of skunk farts with highlights of ass sweat. The palette is rich with hence of residual dry poop crust from a truck stop bathroom. It goes down with a long lasting finish of fly-covered summer horror trash.
The Nerd: Fuck this game. (the Nerd throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. (the Nerd turns on the TV, but all there is on the TV is static. The Nerd tries to change channels, but they all have static) Man, TV nowadays sucks.
Trivia
- It actually is possible to carry both an item and a weapon in this game, which means James made a mistake during gameplay and the editing.
- James does not know that Lester would become more brave and controls would be responsive as soon as you rescue a girl.
- James refers to Out of This World when talking about Lester the Unlikely's controls. It is also known as Another World.