Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

The Nerd: This game is the unholy fuckness. You probably remember it as my first game review. That was 5 years ago before I took on the regular duty of playing shitty doodie. Back then, I wasn't as hardcore. I used a code, and I skipped over a lot of the game. So now is my second chance, 'cause I'm gonna do it for real this time. I only scraped the surface off this smelly turd, and after that... it really starts to stink.

The Nerd: Just to clarify, though this game is terribly flawed, it still has a lot of nostalgic value for me. The graphics and the music are fantastic, and it still has that Castlevania atmosphere.

(montage of "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" with music) (the day-to-night transition text box)

The Nerd: (Groans) Then there's parts like that. Why is it necessary to interrupt the game like that so often?

The Nerd: You need hearts to buy stuff, and when you die, you lose all your hearts, and you have to start from scratch. So if you're trying to buy something, your best bet is to stay in one spot that you feel safe, and just keep killing the same enemies over and over. I mean, what fun is that?

The Nerd: When it's nighttime, you're just totally screwed, because the stores are all closed. So the only thing you have to do is just wait for daytime, and chase zombies around. (Exclaims) Get over here, you fucking zombie piece of shit. It's times like this when you get real bored, you find glitches, like at the door. Why does the holy water just stop? For some reason, I always found that amusing. I could do that for hours. (And believe it or not, he did.)

The Nerd: This is the first Castlevania game to adopt a non-linear style, where you have to roam around and explore. It's a neat idea, just not executed too well. The whole plot is that after Simon destroyed Dracula in the first game, all his body parts were scattered into different mansions.

The Nerd: Now, Simon has to rid the curse of Dracula once and for all, and to do this, he has to go into each mansion, and throw a fucking oak stake at an orb. ("You now prossess Dracula's Rib" text box appears) "You now possess Dracula's rib." Oh, wait. Prossess? Prossess? Are you kidding me? Well, anyway, it boggled my brain at no end. How is anybody supposed to know to throw an oak stake at an orb?

The Nerd: So I found this one clue. It reads: "A symbol of evil will appear (appaer) when you strike the stake." Gee, that really helps. Couldn't it at least mention, like where you're supposed--(The Nerd noticed a spelling error before he could finish his sentence) A-pee, A-puh, A-puh, Appaer? (A-Pear) Appaer?! Does anybody proofread this shit?!

The Nerd: It only goes to show how much effort they spent on the game when they can't even get the fucking text right. The text itself seems to be one of the main issues. Not just spelling errors, but the information too. It seems like they're giving you clues, but they never make any sense, and most of the time, they're just flat out lies. In adventure games, especially RPGs, getting clues is a big part of the game. So as a gamer, you're inclined to regard what they say as true. After all, why else would it be in the game? To confuse the shit out of you, that's why!

The Nerd: The part that's disturbed me the most is that when you walk in this house, you find this old creepy bitch sitting on the floor. Looks like roadkill with a mop on top (referring to the old lady sprite). She says, "Let's live here together." Okay. Fine. We'll just... live here. Yeah, so... nice place. To sum things up, reading anything in this game is just as useless as the guy in Zelda II who says "I am Error". That's why this is what you called, a Nintendo Power game.

(the Nerd plays the game, and looks up information about the game in his "Nintendo Power" magazine)

The Nerd: Of course there's the wall, where you have to select the red crystal, kneel down, and then wait for a tornado. But that's just the beginning.

The Nerd: There's a part where you have to go under a lake. I can just barely see the platform, so I get the idea that I'm supposed to go down there. But if you touch the water, you die. You have to select the blue crystal, then you kneel down for a few seconds, and then, you can go through the water. Who the fuck is supposed to figure that out?! There's another spot where you're supposed to go into a cemetery, and drop a piece of garlic so you can get a silver knife. Who is this person in a robe who waits in a cemetery for someone to come by and drop garlic?

The Nerd: So there's the cryptic parts, but then there's parts that are just plain annoying. Some of the jumps are outrageous.

(Montage of the Nerd trying to get onto an upper platform, but failing)

The Nerd: (Groans) Man, get up there!

(grunts for a bit)

The Nerd: (Grunting angrily) GET UP THERE!!

The Nerd: Then there's these blocks. It doesn't look that hard, seems like you can just hop on over, but if your timing isn't 100% accurate, your jump doesn't reach. I'm gonna try again.

(falls again)

The Nerd: (Grunts angrily and exclaims) This game is poopy.

The Nerd: The most annoying enemies in this game that I never forget are the blobs. They just bounce all over the place. You can't get away from 'em, especially if you're on the stairs!

(Simon falls through the platforms)

The Nerd: (Groans) What?! Let's take a look at that again. (Replay of last few seconds) I'm on the stairs, totally defenseless, the blob knocks me off, and I fall through the fake block. That is so fucking cheap.

The Nerd: The most annoying hazard in this game is water. Seriously, water? Why is that such an issue? (Moves to next screen, and falls in the water) Oh, come on! That wasn't even on the same screen!

The Nerd: The last thing to mention are the bosses. There's very few of them, and let me tell you, they got lazy with these bosses, I mean real lazy.

(Cut to fight with the Grim Reaper in the first "Castlevania" game)

The Nerd: You know how hard the Grim Reaper is in the first game? Well, if you do, then wait 'til you see how hard he is here. (Cut to fight with the Grim Reaper in "Castlevania II"; Simon effortlessly walks underneath the Reaper and his attacks and exits to the right. The Nerd is relieved) Damn, I'm lucky I got past that Grim Reaper.

The Nerd: Then, of course, you walk through an empty castle, to fight the easiest end boss in video game history. (Defeats Dracula) And there you have Castlevania II.

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

The Nerd: Well, that was a mouthful, but we should conclude this episode with the last in the NES trilogy: Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse.

The Nerd: In this game, you take control of Trevor Belmont, an ancestor of Simon's who battles Dracula for the first time, making this game a prequel.

(montage of "Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse" with music)

The Nerd: It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, who you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, Son of Dracula.

Dracula: The name's Count Alucard.

Harry Brewster: D-R-A-C--

Frank Stanley: What are you mumbling about?

Harry Brewster: Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

The Nerd: With these innovations, I think it's the best Castlevania game on the NES. But it's also the hardest.

The Nerd: There's a stage where the screen keeps moving up. If you're caught at the bottom, you die. What kind of logic is that? In Trevor Belmont's world, what killed him? The TV screen? So you can't waste any time; you gotta keep going up. (Trevor gets hit by a knight as soon as he goes up) Oh, what the shit was that fuckin' nonsense? Tell me that's fair to make you have to hurry, only to have knights appear out of nowhere.

The Nerd: Your greatest hazard in this game is not pits, not water, or spikes, or anything like that. It's the stairs. The fucking stairs are your worst nightmare. If you're next to the stairs, and you try to use your special attack, the attack doesn't work. Instead you go up the stairs. Look at this. Like, God, get down! I want to attack the knight. God, get off the stairs...! (Grunts) God, you're defenseless. When you're on the stairs, your ass is fucked.

The Nerd: How 'bout the floor? Let's make the floor a death trap too. Okay, that's fine, if you wanna play shit like that, but how in the holy God-damn mother shit-fucking Christ of cunt fuck am I supposed to attack the enemy when the fucking floor's falling down? Did the game developers expect you to be some kinda miracle multi-tasker? Thank God for Alucard. See, I can cheat too, you rotten bastard. Oh, and when you're using Sypha's Freeze spell, whatever you do, DON'T FREEZE the enemy projectiles. That was a disaster. And that's the way this whole game is, just an ongoing train wreck.

(montage of deaths)

The Nerd: This fuckers got no mercy! This is the reason why Game Genie was invented. But I'm not doin' that, because I'm gonna do this legit. Now where's that extra live code? "HELPME". That's it. You spell "HELPME". Isn't that the most appropriate password you ever heard? Because anyone who plays this game, that's exactly what you're thinking.

The Nerd: I've made it to Dracula, but never beaten him. Wherever you stand, two towers of fire come up, trapping you, while another tower comes up in the middle. How are you supposed to dodge that?! It gets you every time!

The Nerd: The worst thing about this is that when you die, it doesn't start you back at the stairs. No, not like the other games; instead it sends you all the way back to the beginning of the stage. It's fucking relentless! And Dracula has three forms. You're telling me you have to make it all the way through the stage and fight three forms of Dracula without any fucking continues or power ups? Are you mad?! How are you supposed to do that?!

(Trevor dies, and the Nerd throws the controller to the side and drinks some Rolling Rock)

The Nerd: If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's Castlevania III. You know, like if you want a game that'll piss you off, putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss.

The Nerd: You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a hyena's asshole?! Well, good luck.

The Nerd: Well, that finishes off the Castlevania trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is going overtime, it's a Castlevania-thon! (Howls)


James D. Rolfe: This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while having a hyena's head up your ass... or your head up its ass! (chuckles)

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