Let me take you back when Capcom's Street Fighter II came out. I've never heard of the first one, but hey! It's an awesome game. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Then comes Street Fighter II': The Champion Edition. Oh, cool. Street Fighter III's up next, right? Nope, Street Fighter II Turbo. Okay. Awesome. Can't wait for Street Fighter III. Super Street Fighter II? Umm, cool. Uh, Street Fighter III? Super Street Fighter II Turbo. WHAT THE FUCK? At first, I thought all these updates were nice to hold you over, but how many times can you update the same fucking game? It's getting ridiculous. I'm not gonna buy it again. Well, then finally comes Street Fighter Alpha, then Street Fighter Alpha 2, and then after that, I honestly lost track. There eventually was a Street Fighter III, like nine million versions of it. But, there was also Street Fighter Zero, Street Fighter EX, EX2, and EX2+. Not to mention way back on the NES there was Street Fighter 2010. I couldn't tell you where that fits in.
And speaking of Capcom, Mega Man's another series where the numbering got confusing. There's Mega Man I through VI on the Nintendo, but on the Super Nintendo, there was Mega Man X, which at the time, I thought Mega Man 10. But then came Mega Man X2 and X3. Strangely enough, there was a Mega Man VII on Super Nintendo, after all. That's right. Two different series going on at the same time. Now, on the PlayStation consoles, there was Mega Man X4, X5, X6, X7, and X8. There was even a Mega Man 8, a regular Mega Man 8 on the PlayStation. Now, only if they made a Mega Man 9, it would come full circle. (NOTE: As of 2010, Mega Man 9 and 10 have since been released.) It doesn't end there, either. What's this? Mega Man: Battle Network series? Mega Man 64 (know as Mega Man Legends)? Did they really make it that far? No. That was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 after every fucking title.
Another thing that really grinds my shit is when Japanese and American releases of games differ. The results can also be pretty confusing. A good example is when Super Mario Bros. 2 in Japan wasn't released in America until later, but what we got in its place was a completely different version, though it was still called Super Mario Bros. 2. The Japanese version came later as The Lost Levels.
The Final Fantasy series is a prime example. Not being a hardcore fan, I'll attempt to explain it to the very best of my knowledge. From what I understand, Final Fantasy II, at the time of its Japanese release, wasn't released in the U.S. Neither was Final Fantasy III. But when Final Fantasy IV came out here, and because we didn't have II or III, it wouldn't have made sense to call it IV, so, what do they do? They just call it II. Now, Final Fantasy V wasn't released in here, either. So, when VI came out, that became III. Final Fantasy III also happens to be one of my all-time favorite games on the Super Nintendo. Now remember after that, SquareSoft started releasing the next Final Fantasy games on the PlayStation. Things changed, and now they weren't fucking with the titles anymore. So, when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII. And that's where the confusion began. I wondered, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO IV, V, and VI?" But what I really should have wondered, little did I know, was, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO II, III, and V?" Once I figured that out, I was all like, "So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about? I was playing VI all along and not III? WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULLFUCK!"
Now, let's talk about movies now. Cause I have a lot to say. One of the things that really brings my piss to a boil is when there's a movie that has a whole bunch of sequels, all conveniently numbered, but they suddenly decide to stop numbering them.
Take Halloween, for example: Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween III, Halloween IV, Halloween V, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween: H20 and Halloween: Resurrection, oh, god. If it continues like this, years from now, future generations aren't gonna know which order these films came in, unless they do a little research first. What I want to know is why was it okay to number the first five, but not after that. Like, they're embarrassed they made so many. Not to mention each one just sucks harder and harder. And if anything, the more fucking sequels there are, the more necessary it would be to just fucking number ‘em.
The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I through VI were all numbered. But, when they stopped using the original cast from the show, and starting using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection, and Star Trek: Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But, where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek: Generations Star Trek VII, then why couldn't call it Star Trek: The Next Generation off the show, and then call the next one Star Trek: The Next Generation II, and just start a whole new line of sequels. But, hey! Some of the original cast was in Star Trek: Generations, so, instead, they should have called it Star Trek VII/The Next Generation: Part I. (Dr. Spock: Most illogical.) Actually, never mind. Just fuck it.
I've always praised the Rocky movies. What a perfect string of sequel titles. Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, and Rocky V. No subtitles, all Roman numbers, consistent, perfect. But, they're gonna fuck it all up now by calling the new one Rocky Balboa. Seriously, are you kidding me? Rocky Balboa? (Rocky: (slurred) Hey, My name's Rocky Balboa.) Why can't it be Rocky VI? Rocky Balboa sounds like it's the first one, but just adding his last name. And, what if they made another one? Would they include his middle initial? And then his date of birth? What a shitload of fuck! What kind of stupid excuse for a title is this? Reveal more of the character's name. It's like making a prequel to Forrest Gump, and just calling it Forrest.
Now, with talk of Rambo IV coming out, what are they gonna do? Call it John Rambo? (Rambo: Your worst nightmare.) And speaking of Rambo, that's a series that somehow completely changed its title. The first one was called First Blood. That's it. First Blood. The second one was called Rambo: First Blood Part II. And then, the third one was called Rambo III. So, what? They just forgot about First Blood? (Rambo: Fuck 'em.) The correct title would be: Rambo II: First Blood Part III.
The Alien series is also pretty fucked up. They start with Alien, then Aliens, which makes sense. First, there was one alien, and now there's many. The title's consistent with the plot, and it works. But then, uh-oh. They make a third one. Oh, gee, what are we gonna call it? It can't be Aliens's. That won't work. Besides, there's only one alien again. So, let's just call it Alien 3. That works. There's not really much else they would have called it. But now, you think it's time to start numbering the sequels from now on. Ya think? Or, would that be too traditional? Well, the next one's called Alien: Resurrection. At first, I thought it was a fucking joke. Apart from "Resurrection" being one of the most overused words to be found in a sequel, there's no reason not to use the number 4. I mean, you numbered the last movie. Why can't you number this one? So, what do you want to do? Do you want to number them? Or use cliché words? I don't care which, but make up your fucking minds! You don't start numbering sequels, and then go back to not numbering them, and there's more than one alien again! So, why isn't the title plural, like in Aliens? What were they thinking?
The title of Bruce Lee's first major film was called The Big Boss. But, when they released it here in the U.S., the American distributors, or whoever was responsible, decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. Okay, well that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called Fist of Fury. So, uh-oh. We fucked up. What are we gonna call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection. And from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.
Jackie Chan made a movie called Armour of God, and the sequel was called Armour of God 2: Operation Condor. Well, when that came out here in the U.S., there was a little difficulty. Armour of God wasn't out yet, so they decided to release the sequel here first, and change the title to just Operation Condor. Well, after that, Armour of God actually did make an American release, and it was called Operation Condor 2: Armor of God. A complete reversal.
Now, let's talk about the Zombie series. If you live in America, and if you're trying to follow the series, you'll find Zombie 1 through 6, but there's no Zombie 2. What the fuck? A movie series with a missing sequel. Well, here's the explanation. It started with George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Yes, that's right. The sequel to Night of the Living Dead. The European release of Dawn of the Dead was recut and the title was changed to Zombie. Then, there was an Italian made sequel called Zombi 2. Yes, that's right. A sequel to a sequel which spawned another line of sequels. Geez. Well, when Zombi 2 came out in America, they couldn't call it Zombie 2 because there was no Zombie. Calling it Dawn of the Dead 2 would have been wrong because it has nothing to do with Mr. Romero's original version. So, they just called it Zombie, instead. Yes, Zombi 2 is now Zombie. Not to be confused with the Italian version with Dawn of the Dead, which is also called Zombie. So, when Zombie 3 came out in America, they figured, "OK, fuck it. It's only going to keep getting more confusing. So just fucking call it Zombie 3 like it is. But, there's no Zombie 2. Fuck it! Don't change the titles anymore." Now, the UK, caught in between this mess, just decided to leave the title of Dawn of the Dead alone, and change Zombi 2 to Zombie Flesh Eaters. Then, Zombie 3 would become Zombie Flesh Eaters 2. And so on, and so on.
Speaking of movies with missing titles, whatever happened to the Naked Gun movies? First of all, why is the sequel called Naked Gun 2 1/2? What's half about it? After all, I assume they incorporated half the script from the third movie into it, and therefore includes half the next movie. I guess that makes sense, except for the fact that I never saw Naked Gun 3. Or 4. Or 5. Or any of them up to Naked Gun 33 1/3. I mean, how the fuck did I miss that many sequels? I couldn't even find them anywhere. They aren't even listed in Leslie Neilsen's filmography, so, I guess he wasn't in them. Somebody help me! I can't find them anywhere! Where's the other half of Naked Gun 3? And all the others up to 32? I can't fucking find them. Where are they? I think it's pretty impressive if they're all numbered, and that's gotta be a record for amount of sequels to a comedy. But, damn. That one just blows my mind.
Well, I gotta calm down now. So, that's enough of my gripes. Thanks for listening to my rants, and good fucking night.
(Final Fantasy VI Victory Fanfare begins playing.)
[at the end of the credits]: (fanfare stops) By the way, I'm just fucking around. (Implying he knows the weird Naked Gun sequel titles were deliberately done as a joke.)